TGFiction.Net

this story in my opinion is poorly  structured. its sounds too much like an information dump. it also reads too much like a news report. where is the perspective? i.e. first, second or third person points of view. and if this is in the third person omnipotent view you might want to reconsider transferring it to a thrid person or first person narrative. where are the dialogs both internal and external? and what about conflict and epiphany? also, try brining your audience closer to the action. introduce us to the scenes. give us the sounds, the feelings (both emotional and physical), the smells, the tastes, and the sights. don't tell us a story, put us into the story, make us feel like we are a part of what is happening. also who is/are the main character(s)? introduse us to them. what are his/her obstacles? Is there a nemesis for these characters?

as you can see there is a lot going on in your story that you are not showing us. I have taken a few courses in creative writing and publishing and my teachers told me not to tell me about the action but show themit. to make it feel like they are right there with the characters. seeing every detail of the scene. so try to describe every miniscule detail then worry about toning it down. a good story usually takes 10 to 15 edits, sometimes more to get it smooth. as of right now I see a great idea for a story and a not to shabby first draft. there is a lot of room for growth and I see at least 20 to 30 more pages from just what you have written here.  good luck on the next draft. I am looking forward to reading more of this.

More of a story sketch than an actual story. Its a good idea that should be expanded upon. Introduce some characters and explore their feelings for a start.

Mr. Ram