Ok, so let me give you the background of my case. I’m an alumnus of a fraternity at an upstate NY college. My brothers call me Hermes, named after the Greek Messenger God. My parents named me Patrick, (Pat for short). I’m a rather big guy. My last physical at work had me at 250 pounds. I do have a bit of a gut, but my crew leader always knows that I can handle any "bull work" he has to have done, (I guess being a Prop on the college rugby team and a shot and a discus thrower had left me with some good strength.)

I went back to visit the school for Hell Night, (for those of you who aren’t members of a Greek organization, Hell Night is the night when the people who want to join, show what they have learned of the house’s past and that of Greek tradition. If they show that as a group they have learned what they were supposed to, they earn their Colors.) I won’t bore you with the details of that night, (only brothers and alumni are privileged to what ACTUALLY happens there anyway.) I’ve been known to be a bit of an asshole. One of the things we do as brothers is play a game called "cup check," in which one guy yells cup check, claps twice and then backhands another guy in the nuts, (barbaric, and childish I know. But it’s all in good fun, and we're usually drunk at the time right?) The clap is meant to give everyone else a chance to cover up. However, I am known to be VERY quick with my claps and have gotten more than my share of brothers this way, (sorry about that time at Psi D, Hulk.)

Anyway, we are the newest fraternity on campus and there are only so many houses to go around so we hold our festivities on top of the hill behind the other campus in the town, (there is a private school and a State school in the same small town, across the main street from each other in the town. We are from the State school.) The ceremony went on without a hitch and we decided to back down the hill after the celebration and hit the all night Chinese food restaurant. We usually snake our way down the hill because it’s not QUITE legal for us to be where we are, and it’s about a 60% grade, so walking straight up is almost impossible. Then when you add to that the facts that it was mid March, the schools are in western NY state, and in direct line with the usual belt of lake effect snow off of Lake Erie, you see why we don’t go straight up. Well, as you can imagine, when you mix alcohol with high spirits you tend to get a lively bunch of drunks. So we were walking back down the hill for the night, and I was reaching for a tree to help keep my balance, since it was winter and the path was covered in snow over the fallen pieces of the trees that were there, when one of the younger guys who was (as we like to call it) "bombed off his ass" decided that would be a good time to retaliate on me for the earlier cup check. So he yells, claps and swings faster then I can let go of the tree.

I remember tumbling, and I do remember bouncing off some trees and rocks as I made my (quicker then I would have liked) descent. I woke up in a hospital bed, just as a nurse was sticking me for a blood draw.

I jerked my arm back just before she stuck me and asked her, "Where the fuck am I?" (I warned you I have a mouth on me.)

This is when my inner monolog kicked in. "What the hell is wrong with my voice? That sounded like a chick. But I know I said it. What the fuck is going on here?"

She apparently noticed my direst, and told me, "I’m Nurse Smith. You are in the hospital. Your brothers brought you here after you tumbled down a hill. You are lucky to be alive. They found you face down in a ditch behind the University’s chem. lab, and there were toxic waste barrels leaking into the ditch with you. You’ve been out for two months. Let me go get your doctor." She left the room, leaving me to ponder all that had happened.

The nurse came back with another woman who introduced herself as Dr. Erica Mathews. I shook her hand and gasped as I saw the hand looked like that of a woman. (You see, I’m a mechanic by trade, and my hands have for the better part of the past 10 years been pock marked with scars and cuts from me working on race cars, and recently fork trucks at the metal rolling plant I work at near home.)

"What the fuck is going on?!" I exclaimed, then thought to myself, "there’s that god damn voice again. Just what the fuck happened to me?"

The doctor instructed the nurse to leave, and then pulled a chair up next to my bed. I went to sit up and realized there were now two rather large globes of flesh attached to my chest, visible thru ever the loose-fitting hospital gown. She looked at me, took a deep breath and informed me that over the past months I had changed into a woman.

"I’m sorry doc. but you can tell Opiee and Pete, that this is not funny. And whatever you gave me to get my voice to sound like this, is a nice touch, but this sounds like something a bad fiction writer would write. This can’t be real."

She nodded and helped me up from the bed.

"Why do I feel lighter then I did before? And why are my arms thinner? Speaking of which, where the hell is the hair that is usually there?"

My mind was racing now. So many questions, as she lead me over to the door and the floor length mirror that hung on the back of it. To say I was shocked would be like saying Hitler was mildly confused. (I know, get your hate mail going folks, I can keep this up all day.) What I saw staring back at me next to the doctor, (who was quite the looker herself I might add,) was a young woman, who looked in her mid 20's, (I just turned 30 in actuality.) The gown did little to hide the fact that the woman standing next to the doctor was in amazing shape. I’d have put her at about 115- 125 pounds. She was about my height, (5'10" according to the last physical I had for work) and her hair was down to the middle of her back. It was that sexy auburn that has always got my motor running. The Doctor undid the tie on the back of the neck of my her gown and it fell to the floor. My eyes were riveted to the large mounds of womanly flesh on the girls chest. I’d have put them near double D cups for sure. I felt myself starting to get aroused, and smiled at the vision in front of me when it hit me.

I looked down at "my body" and realized I was naked just like the girl I was looking at, and those lovely breasts I was ogling were sitting on MY chest!

I looked at the mirror again and saw that the doctor had her hand on the shoulder of the girl in the mirror like she had on my shoulder. That was when the world went black.

I woke up back in my bed with the doctor taking my blood pressure, and the nurse from earlier taking more blood.

"Where am I?" there was that voice again. "And what happened to my voice?"

The doctor finished taking my vitals and then retold me the story from earlier. I looked at her and shook my head trying to wrap my brain around what she was saying.

"You mean to tell me that some chemical spill from the University caused me to change genders? BULL SHIT!"

She pulled out a photo book and showed me the dated pictures. The first one was of a guy that looked kind of like me, but his hair was gone. I don’t just mean the hair on his head, but his eye brows, arms, chest, legs, and his pubes, were all gone, and he look like he got into a fight with a train and lost. The next few showed the same guy growing back the hair on his head, over a couple days. I looked at the face again and realized it was me. Those same pictures showed his body fat just melting away. You could actually make out the different muscled throughout his body, although they looked A LOT smaller then they had been before all this happened, but I still looked good, all things considering.

Then I looked between my legs in the pictures, and was dumbfounded. Granted, I’ve never been a "BIG" guy, but I could hold my own, and never had a woman say she didn’t have a good time. The pictures showed my cock getting smaller and smaller as the days progressed. My face started to loose all color as I kept going along in the book. The day my penis was no longer visible in the pictures, was the same day I saw the first signs of breasts on my chest. I kept turning pages and the breasts just kept getting bigger and bigger, (it was like watching something you’d find at www.expansionmansion.com.)

I finally broke down. I heaved the book across the room and started to sob into my dainty hands.

"Why is this happening? Why me? Why now? What is my family going to say? Oh GOD! DAD!!! I have his Jeep!"

Looking up at the doctor with water streaming down my face. "I gotta call my dad, he must be out of his mind!" she pulled me into a hug and patted the back of my head, saying, "Shhh, it’s ok, your dad and mom have already been here. They know all about what has happened."

I looked up at her and just stared blankly. "Are they still here?"

She shook her head and told me, "no, we called them this morning when you woke up. Your mom said she and your step dad would be down this after noon."

I nodded to her. "And what about dad?"

She looked down to me. "Uh, he wasn’t home."

My mind started asking questions again. "Dad never leaves the house. What the hell? She looked down and to the left, they told us in staff training when I was an RA, (I was a Residents Assistant when I was in college. Basically we are the ones who the students interact with in the dorms incase of problems, questions, or concerns,) that means she’s not telling me something. What’s wrong with Dad?"

I heard a knock at the door and turned to see my mom standing there, crying, so that got my water works going again, as my mind kept up asking questions. "Why the hell can’t I stop crying?"

"Hi Mom."

She just hugged me tight and cried. After what seemed like a while, she wiped the tears away, and sat in the chair in the room, as the doctor left us alone.

"Mom, what’s going on? The doctor’s not telling me something."

I’ve always been able to read Mom like a book, and today was no different. She just looked at me like she was about to drop a bomb on me, but didn’t want to.

"Mom, where’s Dad?"

She started to cry again.

"MOM! Where is DAD?" I asked her again in a sterner tone.

She sniffled and looked me in the eyes. "Ok, here it comes, mom only looks me in the eyes when it’s BIG." "Your father hasn’t handled this well at all. In fact, he and the rest of the family think you are the devil."

"WHAT!? MOM! NO!"

She just nodded to me. "They think that what happened to you is not natural."

"NO SHIT!"

She just waved her hand for me to be quiet. "Your father acts like you are dead."

I started to cry again. "Why? I didn’t ask for this to happen. It just did. It’s not my fault."

She got up and hugged me again and wiped my tears away. "We’re here for you honey," she told me. I looked up and there was my step dad standing there in the doorway, holding back tears of his own. I looked at them both and nodded.

"Does Sarah know?"

"I know what’s gone on Pat" came a voice behind me. I turned to see my fiancé.

"Sarah, I just wish you didn’t have to see me like this."

"You know I love you, no matter what Pat."

"Just leave. You can’t love a... what ever the hell I am now. It’s not fare to you."

"You can’t say that. I love you. I love the person on the inside, the outside doesn’t matter to me."

"What about your dream of kids? How can I be the father of your children when I don’t have a penis?" I shouted at her more out of frustration then anger.

"I know you’ve been thru a lot, buy I want you to know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it." she told me as she kissed my cheek, then walked out of my room in tears.

My mom walked over to her and they talked in the hall for a while, as I just buried my head in my hands and started to ball my eyes out.

"That wasn’t fare of you Pat. She loves you, and I thought until a minute ago you loved her too."

"It’s not fare to ask her to give up her dream of having kids because of me. I can’t be anyone’s father."

"You’re your father’s son. Both of you are pig headed fools. What about adoption?"

"I just don’t know what to do mom."

She hugged me and I let my mind wander to what had taken place the night of the party.

"What about the guys? Do they know?"

She told me. "They guys have been under a lot of scrutiny from the school and the police."

"Why mom? They didn’t do anything?"

She went on to tell me. "The police think they beat you up and dumped you there. They are treating this like a "Hazing Crime."

"What, Mom, NO! Come on, you know the guys, they would never do that. Not to me. Not to anyone."

As if on cue, a familiar face walked in the door, knocking as he did.

"Captain Brown? What are you doing here?" I asked him.

He looked puzzled that I knew his name. (You see when I was attending school there and being on staff, we had to keep a weekly meeting with Captain Brown, the head of Campus Safety. During my tenure I talked a lot about what was happening both on my floor and in my dorm.)

"Um miss, I’d like to talk to you about what you remember from that night."

I couldn’t help but giggle a little when he called me "miss" but being as I no longer looked like the guy I once did, I guess it fit. "Cap, it’s me!" I stated, "Patrick, remember, fall ‘95-97, MacKenzie North?"

He turned the same shade of white I did earlier when looking at the pictures of my transformation.

"Um, no. I mean yes, I mean." He was stammering for the right words. "PAT! I thought the name looked familiar."

He looked at me, trying to first see if there was any similarities to the old me. (There aren’t, I already looked.) Then he paused as if trying to make sense of it all. So I handed him the book the doctor left in my room. He carefully looked thru the pages and you could see him blush as he saw EVERYTHING that made me the woman I am now.

"Wow, you look nothing like the guy I met 10 years ago."

He got that look on his face I remember so well from back in the day. "Well we have reports of Hazing in your Fraternity."

"WHAT!? You’re kidding me right? Come on Cap, you can’t be serious."

The look on his face told me he was serious as a heart attack.

"Pat, how did you end up in the ditch behind the University Chem lab?" He asked me in that same stern tone I had heard him use so many times on other students when I was going to school.

"I was out looking for nocturnal wildlife when I lost my footing."

He shook his head. "I already talked to Pete, and Opiee, they told me you were at a party on the hill."

I blushed. "I didn’t want the guys to get in trouble for trespassing."

He nodded. "That is a separate matter here. How did you end up in the ditch?"

I gulped and took a deep breath. "We were walking back down after the party, to get Chinese food, when I tripped and fell. I know I hit my head a couple times, and the next thing I remember I woke up with the local vampire, (that would be Nurse Smith) trying to stick me for a blood draw. Honestly Cap. the guys have nothing to do with this."

He pulled out a pad of paper. "Would you mind making an official statement?"

I nodded. "As long as you can get the DA to agree to not press charges for the hill party."

He knew I had him. It was going to be one hand washes the other, and if he wanted to close my case, he was going to have to play my way.

"Ok, I’ll talk to him and see what I can do."

He picked up his cell phone and dialed a number. Apparently he was calling the DA, because he told who ever what on the other end what I had just told him. He nodded and hung up.

"Ok, done. All charges against your house for the party are dropped. Now, about that statement."

I took the pad from him and wrote about the deal with the DA first. That way it was on record and there was no way to back out now. Then I wrote down just what I told the Captain earlier, about the party, and walking back down, losing my footing and grabbing a tree, (I left out the part about Tugger slapping my balls) then the tree breaking and me going down the hill the fast way. I handed him the pad back after I signed it and as the nurse came in I asked her to make me a copy of my statement after the Captain signed it. (If watching all those cop shows with Dad has taught me anything, it is to always get it in writing, and keep a copy for yourself.) The Captain shook my hand and left, telling me to stay in touch, and stop in to see him next time I was in town.

"Hey, cap? Can you do me one more favor?"

"I can try. What’s up?"

"I don’t want anyone in here that I don’t know, and I DON’T want any media."

"Yeah, about that. You know the alumni at the U are some powerful people in the world of business right?"

"Um, I guess. Why?"

"They have been doing their best to keep everything out of the papers and as far under the radar as they can in regards to TV, and radio. But if it’ll make you feel any better, I’ll post a guard outside your door. OH, and you know Dee is back on the force, right?"

"Can I have her? We have a lot of catching up to do." I smiled as he nodded, and I thought back to my first days at Alfred.

"Antonia" I said as I looked at mom.

She just looked back and tried to comprehend what I just said.

"My new name, I want to be Antonia. But you can call me Toni for short."

She nodded and smiled a little, knowing where it came from. Visiting hours came to an end and my cell phone rang, right after Mom and Doug left.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Oh, I’m sorry I think I dialed the wrong number." the caller stated, as I checked the ID.

"Opiee?"

Dead silence on the other end.

"Um, is Hermes there?"

"DUDE! It’s me!" To which I was again greeted with dead silence. "Hello?" I asked.

"Um, is this the same Hermes who is my little brother in the fraternity?" he asked, not knowing what else to do.

"Well I guess you are still my big brother, but I think you should call me your little sister now." I told him giggling slightly.

"Um you don’t sound like Hermes."

"NO SHIT!.. ok, I’ll prove it to you." I went on to tell him about the night in Cougar’s room when she joined our sisters. I mentioned about him playing with hair spray, and me pissing on her roommate’s bed. I even told him about us doing community service afterwards and fixing his step dad’s fence.

And again a long pause. "Pat?" he finally asked.

"Well for the most part, yeah, it’s still me."

He asked me what happened, and why I sounded like a woman. So I gave him the "readers digest" version of what happened. He went on to tell me about all the problems with the DA, and Campus Safety, and how the school didn’t know what to do, they were going to wait to see what happened with the DA first.

I then told him that it was all taken care of, and about the deal with Captain brown.

"Always playing an angle aren’t you?" he laughed.

"Well I wanted to protect the brotherhood as best I could, after all, you guys have always been there for me."

He told me that some of the guys had Friday off and that they wanted to stop by and see me. I went white as a sheet, and didn’t know what to say.

My heart didn’t give my brain time to think and I blurted out, "Absolutely. I’ll tell the nurse."

My brain finally caught up. "FUCK! Now what? FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Too late now to back out."

He babbled about something and told me he’d see me Friday. I hung up and tried to get some sleep. But my mind kept racing.

I picked up my cell again and dialed my dad’s house, (it’s weird not calling it home anymore).

"Hello?" dad answered.

" Dad?" I replied, which was met with a quick hang up. So I dialed back thinking it was a dropped call, and got the answering machine. Oh yeah, it was dropped alright. He dropped the receiver back on the cradle faster then Britaney Spears trying to hold her baby. (I know, get your hate mail ready folks. But I make no apologies.)

So I laid back down and shut my eyes. Sleep was uneasy that night. I kept replaying the night in my head. More the fall then the rest of it, and I kept dreaming about the guys showing up Friday.

The next few days were filled with a whirl wind of test, of poking and prodding with needles, and ultrasounds. Then I was introduced to the wonderful world of the OBGYN. (These sick bastard’s get paid to look at the parts of women the rest of us would get arrested for asking to see.) She ran some tests, and this tube up my, vagina. (Wow it seems weird to actually call it my vagina) She told me it had a camera in it to see how everything was looking, and that she would be taking a biopsy to make sure everything was normal.

"Define normal Doc? Because my definition has been rolled up into a ball, lit on fire and then pissed on over the past few days."

She looked at me and half smiled and nodded. Then after she did her thing I was able to go back and try to sleep, the guys were coming in the morning. When I got there, I saw the chiseled face of the woman I grew to respect both as a cop, and a friend from my days at school.

"Hi Dee."

"Um, hello miss. I’ve been assigned by Captain Brown to look after you for the rest of your stay."

"Dee, you don’t recognize me do you? Pat... remember the roller blade speeding ticket?"

All the color drained from her face and finally the name Cap gave her clicked. She just stood there with her jaw hanging and looking at me. I invited her into my room and we talked for a while. I showed her the pictures the doctor had given me and she was almost as stunned as I was at the transformation. She got up to go back to stand duty as my dinner arrived, and I asked her to make sure no media shows up, I just hate having my picture taken. She nodded.

"So that’s why in most of the pictures I’ve seen of you, you have your middle finger in the air. Good way to make sure they wont be used in print. I’ll be in the hall. Just yell if you need anything."

I was relaxing watching the NASCAR practice after dinner when I looked at the door and saw a woman I hadn’t seen since I was at the AM stations back in Syracuse.

"Leila? What are you doing here?"

"Ah, Miss Trepasso, you’re awake, good, I have a few questions if you don’t mind."

"What the hell? How did you get in here?"

"So is it true that you used to be a man?" she asked as she pulled out a small video camera and a tape recorder."

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM! DEE!" she ran in just as soon as I called for her.

"You’re not supposed to be in here. I’m sorry Toni, I had to use the head."

"Wait, Dee. Take her camera, and the tape deck. Leila, I’m surprised at you. What happened to the scared little girl that had her first night on the air at ‘News radio 750'? You’ve changed. You can stay, and we can talk, but it’s all off the record. For now anyway."

She took a seat and pulled out a pad of paper. I told her that off the record means off the record, and if she didn’t like that, she could leave. She put the pad away and I explained to her what had happened.

"How did you know I was scared my first time on the air?"

I made a motion like I was pushing a button. "Smile will you? You look like you’re about to throw up."

It took her a moment to remember, but it finally clicked and her jaw dropped as she lust stared at me.

"PAT? Pat Trepasso?"

"To answer your earlier question, yes I used to be a man. And YES, I am, or rather WAS, Pat. I go by Toni now."

"You’re the same Pat that used to produce my news when I was at 750?"

"The one and only."

"This isn’t possible. You’re a... a..."

"Woman? What did your boss tell you when you were told to come here?"

"Just that there was a woman who used to be a man at this hospital."

"Ok, again, strictly off the record, I’ll give you some of the story. I was at a party behind Alfred University. NO, it wasn’t a hazing incident. NO, I wasn’t beat up. And HELL NO, my brothers didn’t do this to me. They actually saved my life. I fell down the hill when I tripped and ended up in a pool of toxic waste."

I held up the photo book for her to see, but not touch, and she just had a deer in the head lights look the whole time.

"A lot to wrap your head around isn’t it?"

"Um, yeah. You have to let me do a story on you. This could make my career."

"I don’t want to be a freak. And you know as well as I do, that your story will make me a freak. So I have to decline. But I promise you this, if I ever do anything note worthy, you’ll get the first crack at the story. Deal?" I asked as I held out my hand to her.

"I’m going to hold you to this, Pa... I mean Toni."

"Ok. Look Leila, it’s been a long day, and I need to get some sleep. Good seeing you again."

"You too, and sorry for sneaking in on you. Night." She waved as she walked out, and I closed my eyes for some needed sleep.

I woke up as the nurse came into my room with breakfast, and noticed a sign on the door, "Please call me Toni." I smiled to myself at the joke being the one person who this was meant to honor wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire now. I sighed and ate. A little while later there was a knock at the door, and a familiar voice

"HERPES! You in here?" Opiee, is always pulling that crap.

"FUCK YOU OPIEE!" was my reply.

He and Pete, came around the corner and just stared at me.

"Hermes?" they asked in unison.

"In the flesh, well what’s left of it that is." I laughed.

Opiee was staring and starting to drool. That was when Pete punched him and reminded him of who I was.

"Still the dirty old man I see, eh big bro?" He just laughed.

"WOW! You look..." he paused to find the right word.

"Hot?" I offered, causing him to turn more shaded of red then I thought possible.

Pete interjected, "Man we though you were dead. What ever you landed in burned my boots and Opiees gloves."

I just nodded and smirked. "Yeah, think carefully about what it did to me." I replied.

The look on his face told me I struck a nerve, he was just trying to see how I was doing.

"It’s not your guy’s fault. I don’t even blame Tugger really. Although I would like to get the fucker back somehow."

Pete smiled. "Well you could come to Alumni weekend and lead him on."

"Um, short answer, NO, longer answer, HELL NO!, longest answer, OH HELL NO!" I laughed. "It’s bad enough to know Opiee wants to fuck me." I looked at my big brother. "DUDE! Snap out of it, you’re not my type."

He started to laugh. "Sorry man, er, uh..." It was fun to watch him stumble to find the words.

"Just call me Toni, or Hermes. I’d cut that herpes shit out if I were you, or I might start telling people you gave me it." I laughed.

They both sat down and we talked about that night, and they asked me what happened. I just handed them the photo book the doctor gave me and they both flipped thru it in silence. They came to the last pictures of me naked and they both started to blush more then I’ve ever seen them do before. That was when Mom came back in with a big shopping bag from one of the local women’s stores for me.

"Mom, you remember Opiee, and Pete." I offered to her as they shook her hand, and stood up to get ready to leave.

"So who else came with you guys?" I asked.

"Maria, Jamie, and Brit."

"Well, send them in on your way out." I told them as my mom set the bag down. "What’s that Mom?" I pointed to the bag, obviously filled with clothes.

"Oh just some things to get you by till we can go shopping." She pulled out a bra, and matching panties. "You’ll need to ware one of these so your breasts don’t sag." she explained as she tossed it to me.

I took off my hospital gown and started to get it on like I’ve seen so many ex girlfriends do when they had to put one on. I was dumbfounded finally realizing just how real this all is now. I was brought back to reality by a knock and the high pitched shrill of a voice I can only describe as Rosanne Barr on helium.

"What up fucker?"

I snapped by head back up from the task of putting a bra on to see her jaw drop as Maria saw my double d’s jutting out from my chest. Before I was able to cover up, Jamie, and Brit walked in and both just looked at me. You’d have thought my head was on fire and my ass was catching to see me scramble to pull the gown back on.

"Nice tits Hermes." Brit stated with a devilish smile, as I turned more shades of red then Opiee did earlier.

"Um, thanks?" I didn’t know what to say.

"Are those real?" Maria, always direct.

"Um, YEAH! I grew my own because you won’t let me play with your’s." I joked back at her, then pointed to the book of pictures and they reacted like everyone before them had.

Their attention averted gave me time to finish putting on my bra. I motioned mom to come close, and whispered to her,

"How did you know my size?"

she smiled, "They measured you before you woke up."

I just nodded, and pulled the gown back over my now restrained breasts. The girls looked at me and were awe struck.

"Hermes?" Maria asked?

"Don’t make me prove it to you too. Ok, the weekend I met you we were putting Mac Duff thru, and we were in Sarge’s room making him his shirt, we went shopping at Wally World, (Walmart for those of you not in college) and we talked about who in the house actually understood what it meant to be a brother." She just looked at me and her eyes got wide. "OH MY GOD! HERMES! It is you." I turned to Jamie, "How did you ever let this rocket scientist be president for as long as she was?"

She laughed and shrugged, not really knowing what to say.

"What do you think Brit?" I asked.

"I think she smokes too much pot." she responded in a giggle, causing me to laugh too.

"Um, I mean about me, and what’s happened?" I instructed. She blushed and I could see her nipples harden thru her shirt. (Brit and I have always joked that we had the same taste in women.) I just smiled and nodded. When Jamie broke in.

"You really are Hermes, you have your Tattoo." I looked at my right arm and looked at the promise I had made to Loki about getting the crest inked into my skin when they finally got the charter. Just too bad he never lived long enough to see the day.

"Yup, I’m still me, well on the inside, I’m still me. On the outside, I’m..."

I paused to think of what to say when Brit broke in. "My next girlfriend."

We all laughed, and it dawned on me that mom had never met the girls before.

"Mom, the one with her forearm pierced is Brit, she’s a Pi Nu sister. The cute one with the glasses is Jamie, she’s one of our’s, and the short one with the big mouth is Maria. She’s one of our’s too, unfortunately." I laughed and she gave me the bird.

"Love you too sis. Speaking of which, does this mean I’m one of you now? I suppose you can’t call me a brother anymore." I giggled again.

They all smiled at me.

"You know Hermes," Maria started. "You’ve always been there to go to bat for us, so I don’t see why not."

Jamie nodded, and offered, "We do run things different then the guys do."

"Well I kind of figured that. I guess I need to find a new catch phrase for Hell Night. ‘Sound off like you got a pair’, just doesn’t fit anymore."

We all had a good laugh over that, even mom finally smiled. The girls all gave me big hugs as they left and told me that they would talk to the others and see what was going to happen. They passed the doctor on their way out and she looked at me.

"Ah, your friends came by to see you eh Toni?" I just nodded not even thinking she was using my new name. "How would you like to go home today?" she asked.

"What?" I replied.

"I said how would you like to go home today? Your blood tests indicate that there is nothing more to keep you here. We’ve set it up that you can do your Physical and Occupational therapies in Syracuse. So we can have you out of her in a couple hours."

I just looked at her. "I don’t even know where home is anymore."

I started to tear up again. I’d been living with my dad, I told you I was a mechanic and jack man in the Nextel Cup. Well Dad had a stroke, and I came home with out thinking twice about it to take care of him. Yup, gave it all up to be there for the same fucker who won’t even take my call.

"MOTHER FUCKER!" I yelled as I started to ball into my hands.

Mom came over to comfort me and gently rocked me as she stroked my long hair.

"Shhh, it’s ok, you’re coming to live with me and Doug." I heard her words, but it took a while for it to sink in.

I think I fainted, because I opened my eyes and mom what shaking the doctor’s hand as the doctor left the room.

"Mom?" I asked. She turned to face me. "Mom, am I a freak?" I asked with tears once again in my eyes. Mom came over to comfort me, and held me tight as she told me that I was her baby, and would always be. This made me feel a little better, but it still ate at me about Dad.

A little while later a different doctor came in, she told me she was from Syracuse, and would be my OBGYN. I just looked at her like a monkey reading a map. Then it dawned on me.

"OBGYN? Why do I need an OBGYN?"

"It’s ok, I’m sure you have a lot of questions, this is normal."

"BITCH I WAS A MAN 2 MONTHS AGO! Tell me that’s fucking normal!" I snapped at her, then realized what I had said and apologized, balling my eyes out again.

"You didn’t deserve that, I’m sorry, this is all a lot to take in. It’s only been a couple days or so since I woke up."

She accepted my apology and told me about the tests they ran while I was still under. She showed me that I in fact now do have all the right things to make me a fully functioning female, and that I would need to be careful.

"What do you mean?"

My mom leaned in and whispered in my ear. "She mean’s you can get pregnant honey."

My jaw dropped, as yet another thing I hadn’t thought of came into the forefront of my mind. "I just want to go home. Please, let me go home?"

The doctor nodded and went to see how my release was going. I just hugged my mom and cried. I was scared, now I had to worry about things that I never had to think about before. This is starting to suck more and more. I won’t bore you with the details of the release, just that I had to see the Doc’s in Syracuse the first part of the next week.

So Mom, Doug, and me, all drove back to their place and when we got there, I realized they had set up their computer room as my new bedroom. My bed was there, and my dressers. Then I looked at mom.

"Uh, what will I wear? All I have is guy clothes mom." She gets that look on her face when she has a good surprise for someone. (Think Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland).

"Open your dressers up and see hun."

I looked confused for a moment, then opened the top drawer of one of the dressers, where I usually kept my boxer briefs, and was floored when all I saw was bras and panties of all colors and styles. I looked at some and held up a thong.

"You’re fucking kidding me right? You actually expect me to wear something that causes a wedgie on purpose?"

Mom just laughed. "They really aren’t that bad hun. Just try it, you might like it." I just gave her "the look." (She know’s the one)

The rest of the weekend went pretty easy, we did go shopping. Nothing major, just for some new shoes, (apparently, my feet shrank when I had the change), and some summer styles that I thought didn’t look too girlie. I know I’m a woman now, but my brain still thinks it’s in a man’s body sometimes. Mom took special pleasure in teaching me how to walk like a woman. It took all day Sunday before I got rid of the masculine gate I’d had for almost 30 years.

We met the doctor for the appointment Monday and she went over the tests they did with me at the other hospital. I was still trying to wrap my mind around all she was telling me, then it finally dawned on me.

"When can I go back to work Doctor?"

She looked at my file and then explained to me that I was going to meet with the Physical and Occupational Therapists the following day and they would evaluate me and see what was the next course of action to take.

"What is it you do for a living Toni?"

"I’m a fork truck mechanic."

The look on her face was classic. It took her a moment or two to realize I wasn’t screwing with her, and then she remembered that I used to be a man.

"I see, well the Therapists will look at your new body and see when you can be ready to go back."

I sighed, "That’s if I actually have a job to go back to."

Mom, took this time to tell me that after she found out about what happened, she called work and told them and that my lawyer had contacted them and taken care of everything. Also that they agreed to wait to see how I was when I woke up as to if and or when I was coming back.

So that being settled we left for home right around lunch time. Mom asked me where I wanted to eat. I looked at my watch and saw that if we hurried we could miss the lunch rush at the Dinosaur. As we pulled up I took a deep breath, and started to sweat. Mom told me that they kept it out of the papers about what had happened, and that she and I would be the only ones who would know here.

As we went in our hostess was someone I used to work with when I was behind the parts counter at the local Hardly Dangerous dealer, (you think I’m that nuts to get sued for copyright violations?) so I had to play it cool and not do anything stupid. Surprisingly, lunch was rather un-eventful, well, other then the fact that I couldn’t eat half of what I used to be able to do. The Dinosaur has this platter called the "Tres Grand Hombre’s" it’s half a chicken, a ½ rack of ribs, and ½ pound of pulled pork, two sides and corn bread. I used to pound one of those and then get a piece of home made pie. I took my "to go" box and we headed back "home."

Sleep was not easy that night. I kept thinking about everything that was happening to my life. When morning finally came, I woke up to the smell of bacon cooking. I got up as I normally did, still in the shorts and t-shirt I went to bed in, and walked into the kitchen of mom’s apartment. Before I rounded the corner, I announced my arrival.

"Wow mom, that smells great!"

As I turned the corner and entered the kitchen, I was shocked to see my step dad standing over the stove, flipping the bacon, and making fresh cut home fries.

"Oh, sorry Doug, I thought mom was in here."

"No, she is in on the computer. Besides, I usually do breakfast on our days off."

"Oh, well it smells good anyway"

"So Toni, how do you want your eggs?"

"Um.... I’m allergic to them, just like mom is. Sorry Doug."

"No sweat, there’s bread in the bread box, and cereal in the cupboard. So help yourself. The rest of this will be ready shortly."

"Ok, thanks."

I hugged him and then went to see mom, in the computer room. She took one look at me and knew I had a rough night.

"Wow, you look like shit." She laughed as she looked at me.

"Love you too mom. Besides, I kept thinking about everything all night."

"Thought this might happen. After breakfast I have a surprise for you."

"What is it mom? Come on, tell me. You know how I hate surprises... especially lately."

I gave her a half smile, and she just grinned back at me like the Cheshire Cat. Doug’s timing was impeccable, as he called us to eat, right before I was about to lay into my mother for keeping something from me. I won’t bore you with the meal, since nothing really happened.

After I helped mom load the dish washer she told me to put on a pair of jeans, and the black boots we’d bought over the weekend. I gave her a look of confusion and shrugged while I went to change. When I came out she lead me out to the garage area of the complex they lived in.

"I know all this has been hard on you Toni, so when Doug and I picked up your things from your dad’s we decided to bring an old friend back with us."

I just looked at her like she was speaking in a different language, as she lead me to their garage unit, and opened the door. I just stood there in complete shock. The woman who never wanted me to have a motorcycle had taken the time, effort and given up the garage space she used for her new car to bring the bike I had spent all winter building out of a used ‘78 Honda 750 and a rigid frame I bought off the internet. My emotions got the better of me and I started to cry as I threw my arms around her and cried.

"Come on, wipe those tears away and try on the new chaps and jacket Doug got you."

"But mom, what am I going to do for a helmet? I doubt my old one will fit me at all."

She pointed to the box on the seat of the bike and I just looked back at her not really knowing what to do. She nodded at me and I went to open it up. As I pulled out what was in it, I saw the most beautiful helmet I’ve ever seen. She had a brand new helmet painted to match the mural I had painted on the tank of my bike.

"But mom , how do you know if this will fit?"

"Trust me. They measured your entire body at the hospital, and you and I have the same size heads now. So try it on and see."

I did, and she was right, it did fit perfect. She handed me the chaps and light weight leather riding jacket and both fit as if they were tailor made for me. (Remind me to thank Doug later.) I threw my leather clad leg over my old friend. ( I call it that, because it’s taken me 3 years to get the parts to build it the way I wanted to. Since I bought it, I’ve ridden it over 10000 miles, and turned all the wrenches to keep it running in the mean time.) I turned the key, jumped on the kick start, and just like it always does, it fired right up, and settled into a low grumble. (It’s an inline 4 cylinder, so no throaty rumble like one of those beasts with the V-twins.) I let it warm up a bit and went back over to mom and gave her a big hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks. Maybe this will help clear my head."

She just nodded and watched as I climbed back on, and checked the gas to see how much was in the tank. (Easy job, just unscrew the gas cap and look in. If you see fuel, you’re good to go for about 200 miles. If you don’t, it’s time to fuel up.) I waved to her one last time and put the bike in gear slowly easing out of the garage. I found my way out to the main road and pointed the bike west to go ride the finger lakes for a while. Beautiful area to ride, even in a car. A lot of wineries, and other scenic spots.

It was still early in the spring, so there was a crisp bite still in the air as I started down Rt. 20, heading toward the finger lakes. I knew that if anything was going to make me feel better, even if for a little while it would be a good ride. It’s the best way to get your mind clear. My new frame being what is called a rigid, meaning there are no back shocks, so the rear tire is bolted right to the frame, as is the seat. This can lead to a bone jarring experience if you don’t keep an eye out for bumps and potholes, but it’s the best way to feel as one with the bike. Every vibration in the frame in felt in your body, so it’s not for the "tender ass."

I turned onto Rt21 south and ended up stopping in Penn Yan for fuel. I got off the bike, and stretched one of those good stretches you do after you’ve been sitting in one place for too long, when this redneck comes swaggering over and starts putting his cow pie handling meat hooks on my new paint. (For those of you who don’t know anyone with a bike. NEVER touch the paint, chrome or leather, without asking. You’ve now been warned.)

"Excuse me? What the hell do you think you’re doing?"

"Relax babe, I’m just admiring your old man’s bike."

I now realize I need to educate this poor boy in the finer art of manners. I swipe his grubby paw off my tank and glare at him with a clenched fist, as his hand slings out to his side.

"1.... this is my ride. I don’t have an "old man" nore do I want one. And 2, you better make sure who you’re calling babe, you redneck inbred hick. Now why don’t you climb back into your truck, and go crawl back into the corn field that you came from."

Then it dawned on me. This guy was now at least twice my size, and most likely stronger then I used to be, let alone am now. So I put on my best poker face and just glare at him. He started to say something but his buddies in his truck blew the horn and yelled for him to come on.

"This ain’t over you dike bitch!"

"Oh, I think it is!"

There was a voice from the other side of the pump from me that I recognized. Captain Brown! Talk about timing.

"And if you ever come near my daughter or her bike again, you’ll have me to deal with."

It took a second for his words to sink in for me, but the redneck understood loud and clear as he stomped back to his truck and pealed out of the station. That’s when the word "daughter" sunk in. I turned around and rubbed the back of my neck.

"Thanks Cap. That could have got pretty ugly back there."

"I didn’t know you ride Pat."

"Um, yeah... I’ve been in the saddle for about 5 years now. Oh, and I changed my name. Please call me Toni, with an ‘I’"

He nodded and smiled, as he looked at my bike.

"You always looked like a Tony to me... so I guess Toni is fitting. So what are you riding? A Honda what?"

"It’s a ‘78 cb750k with a Super Bob frame from a shop out of Michigan. Most of the parts are from the swap meet. And I finally finished it this past winter."

"Nice job, who did your paint?"

"I did, I hand brushed the mural on it and even pin striped the fenders myself."

"Wow, Pa... er, Toni, I always knew you had a lot to offer the world. You think you could do something with my ride?"

I didn’t know what to say. I only did this for my own use, and here was a man I respected from the day I met him 10 years ago, asking me to do his bike for him.

"When can I take a look at what I’d have to start with?"

"Right now if you’d like. We’re heading back to Alfred right now, you remember my wife Cindy?"

I nodded and waved.

"Ma’am." I nodded to Mrs. Brown "Ok, let’s go then, I want to try to get home before too late tonight."

I followed him to his house, which meant another hour in the saddle for me. It was just like I remembered it from when I was a student there, a small red colonial with a small front yard and even smaller back yard. We walked down the drive way to the old garage and he showed me his ‘69 pan head.

"Wow, is this stock?"

"Yeah, mostly. I’ve been meaning to do something with it, I just didn’t know what, till I saw your’s today. Can you do some custom paint for me?"

"I suppose I could, it just depends on what you want. I’m not THAT good of an artist. Hell, I traced the mural of my fraternity crest onto my tank."

He pulled out an old photo album and showed me the pictures of when he was in "Nam." As we looked thru the book, I could see in his face that he was a very caring man, and each of the men he served with held a special place in his heart. I started to see him in a new light. What he did for me back at the fuel stop started to make more sense. I was one of the people he cared about too.

My thoughts were broken up when he pulled out an old patch from the binder.

"This is what I want on the tank."

I looked at the old military patch and nodded as I studied it’s lines.

"I think I can do this for you Cap. Though it might take me a while."

"It’s ok, I don’t have ALL that much time to ride anymore, but when I do ride, I want something to remember the guys I served with, with me."

"I got it cap. I know how you feel. I never was in the military, but I feel the same way about my brothers. That’s why I got this." I pulled off my jacket and pulled up my right sleeve to show him my house’s crest on my arm.

"Then it looks like I found the right woman for the job."

I looked at him funny at first. It took a second to register that he meant me. All day on the bike, and the only time I felt like a woman what at the gas station and now. However of the two times, this was the easier one to handle. I offered my hand to him.

"Just let me know when you can get me your tins, and I’ll get right on it when it get them."

He shook my hand, and asked for my address. He’d ship them to me ASAP. This is when it dawned on me that I had no idea what my new address was. So I called mom, and told her where I was, and what was going on. She was stoked about the idea, because she helped me paint the bike before I put it on the new frame. It used to have this awful ‘70's era faring on it, painted robins egg blue. We changed that quickly.

So I said good-bye to Captain Brown and his wife, and started for home, since it was getting late already.

I did a quick top off in Almond for fuel and then pointed myself back toward home. I ended up stopping at the same gas station as earlier for fuel again, I probably could have made it to the Thru-way, but why risk it. Besides gas off the interstate is always cheaper.

I fueled, went in to pay, and started to walk out the door when I saw the same beat up truck from before, pulling in. I sprinted to my bike, and kicked it over with one kick again. Gunned it, and stomped it into gear, laying a patch of rubber behind me as I tried to put as much distance between me and that truck as I could. I blew thru 2 red lights on my way out of town and looked in my rear-views to see a set of head lights gaining on me. It was still dusk, so as I glanced over my shoulder I could make out that it WASN’T a cop car, but that damn truck and most likely that same redneck.

"What’s the matter hot pants? Daddy not here to bail your ass out?"

This is when I was glad I put that extra loop of metal on the bike, to carry my "attention getter." (It’s a 4 pound ball-peen hammer. I use it for when I’m in traffic and someone isn’t paying attention to where they are going. As you can guess, a shattering window can get your attention REAL quick.)

I pulled the hammer out of it’s loop and first hit him in the arm, hoping to stun him enough to not expect what was coming next. I glanced up and saw that he was holding his left arm with his right, but his left arm was still out the window since he had just been gesturing to me moments before, leaving no hands on the steering wheel.

I told myself this is my chance. Better make it good cause I doubt you’ll get a second shot."

I plunged the big end of the hammer into his windshield and then kicked the front of his tire as I gunned it again to shoot past him. I looked back over my shoulder just in time to see the truck go airborne as it hit the ditch on the side of the road and vault into the field next to it. I didn’t stop or slow down for fear he might still be after me. I quickly found my way to the thru-way, and stopped to tell the officer at the booths what had happened. I showed him my ID, and the paperwork from the lawyer and doctors telling what happened. I called mom, and told her that I was going to be late, and not to worry. As the State Trooper called the county Sherif near by to see what he knew. He said the driver had a broken shoulder from what he claimed was a bitch on a bike, with a hammer. The Trooper told him that he had the woman on the motorcycle, and I had stopped to report they tried to run me off the road. The Sherif told the Trooper that the guys buddies corroborated my side of things saying that he also used "sexually derogatory" slurs toward me as well. The Trooper ended his call, took my statement and told me I was free to go. He also asked if I was free for a ride this coming weekend. I told him that I wasn’t from around there, and that I had a lot of family issues going on that I needed to clear up, and that my ride today was just to clear my head. He gave me his card and told me to call him if I changed my mind.

I thought to myself, "Not a chance in hell. I’m not into guys." but said, "We’ll see, officer...." I glanced at his card. "Brown? Any relation to the Captain Brown from Alfred?"

"Oh you mean DAD."

I just looked at him in shock. I knew Cap had kids this old, but he never said what they were up to these days. Hell, 10 years ago I scared the crap out of this kid on Halloween, when I handed out candy for the local kids in my dorm. I had cut a circular saw blade to fit my neck, so it looked like it had gone in. I put fake blood on the edges of it, wore dark glasses, and a hat to hide them from being able to see my eyes. I hung a sign from the bowl of candy I held that read "please take only one piece." Well, Cap’s son reached for a second piece and I grabbed his wrist. You’d have thought he’d seen a ghost. I think he might had wet himself. I feel bad if he did, but I think it’s funny if he didn’t. Now here was the same kid asking me out on a date.

"Um, you might want to talk to your dad about this. Besides, doesn’t it freak you out that I used to be a guy? I mean, HELLO! You have my ID there."

"I know all about you Toni. Dad and I talk all the time and he warned me after you left his place to look out for you. He said you had a run in earlier, and he had a feeling it might have happened again." He looked at me. "Look, I’m not asking to marry you, I just think you have a nice bike, and I like to ride on my days off. Nothing more. Deal?"

I felt like a total bitch now, as I just nodded and put his card in my pocket with the rest of my ID and papers.

"Sorry Jake, it’s all just so new to me. I mean don’t get me wrong, you’re a good looking guy and you have a great family to vouch for you being kind to women, but you know how it can be right? I mean how would you react if you had a guy walk up while you were trying to do business, and ask you for what sounded like a date?"

"I see your point Toni, but my offer stands. Just call me and we can set something up, maybe I can drag dad away from campus long enough to join us."

"Only if you both promise to play nice. I need to get home Jake, good seeing you again. Oh before I forget, I have to ask you something personal."

He looked at me funny as I started to giggle, and then nodded.

"Remember about 10 years ago when you came to campus for trick’s and treats?"

He nodded again.

"When you went for that second piece of candy out of my bowl did you piss yourself?"

You could see the light come on in his head as he realized who I was. "No, I didn’t but I came damn close to. I thought that name sounded familiar. And if I may say, I do like this packaging better then the big burly jock who was in that dorm. Have a safe trip Toni."

I waved and headed for home, thinking about nothing but how much I hate riding at night. Cars don’t see you enough during the day, it’s 10 times worse at night. I only have one light in the front, and people LOVE to pull out in front of me. Then there’s those asshole’s that love to follow too close. (And you wonder why I carry the hammer.)

I pulled into the garage back home at around 10 pm, and mom was there to meet me at the door. She hugged me tight and told me Captain Brown had called and told her what had happened. I told her it was no big deal and I knew how to handle myself.

"I’m just glad you left the hammer on the bike when you brought it here mom."

"I was wondering what that was for. You want to tell me the real reason for it?"

"No, that’s it, just to get the attention of people who either don’t want to, or are to busy to pay attention to what’s going on around them. That’s all."

I kissed her, and went in to take a shower. I let the water wash away all the aches that riding a rigid motorcycle can give you. I went into my room, and after putting on my shorts and a clean t-shirt, I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

My dreams puzzled and worried me as my exhausted body lay in slumber. I kept seeing a woman who’s face I could not see. She and I appeared to be married?

My mouth went to the cleft between her legs, and just as my tongue was about to part her lips, I was brought back to reality by my mother shaking me.

"Come on Toni, get up, we have to go to the Physical Therapist’s this morning."

"Fuck" I mumbled under my breath and got up to make my way to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and the woman standing back at me looked like hell. Actually she looked more like someone who had gone thru hell, came back, then had to go thru more hell. (No shit right?)

I finally got a good look at myself as I washed the morning out of my face. For the first time since I woke up from the coma, and found out I was a woman now, I could see that I actually did look a lot like the old me. My cheek bones were softer and a bit higher like they would have been had I been born a woman. As I looked at myself I thought how much I looked like my mom, no, more like my mom’s late sister, my aunt Patty. Then I looked into my eyes, and started to cry again. I still had dad’s eyes. All the thoughts and pain came rushing back as I just stood there and looked. I thought of all the good times. Everything he taught me. I remember learning to ride a bike, and going fishing for the first time. I remember his surprise for me when he built me my first race car at age 4. (Yes kids that young race, www.QMA.com.) Him teaching me to throw a ball and how to hit a baseball. Learning to drive a car, and even having "the talk." My daze was broken by a knock on the door.

"Toni, you alright in there?"

"Yeah mom, just have to pee."

"Well hurry up and get dressed, we have to leave shortly."

I finished the morning ritual and quickly threw on a pair of capri’s and a loose t-shirt. I put on my new sneakers and joined mom as we got in the car to drive to the hospital for PT.

I started to think about how the old me would never had worn something like this. I had on pink pants and a purple shirt. (Ok, my fashion sense still sucks so sue me.) The old me usually wore blue jeans, and most of my shirts were black, with either a bike shop or race team logo on them. But this felt right. I was comfortable in the outfit and it looked good on me. My inner monolog started to hold a conversation on it’s own.

We pulled up to the hospital and made our way thru security, to the Physical and Occupational Therapy wing. Shortly after we got there a woman came over and introduced herself as Kristie my PT, and lead me away for some tests.

"So I’ve been reading your file since I got it this morning Toni. And I must say, you have an interesting medical history. Tell me, how did such a slender woman like yourself ever jack for a Nextel Cup team?"

"Uh... you don’t know what’s going on do you?"

She looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"

I waved mom over and handed the therapist the photo book they gave me when I woke up. She looked at it with astonishment, and awe. Flipping back and forth several times between the male and female pictures.

"You mean this is you? YOU’RE the one I heard about from my sister in Hornell?"

I looked at her name tag. I saw her last name and realized her sister was my doctor when I was in my coma.

"Yes. And to answer your first question, THAT is how I was a jack man for a Nextel Cup team."

She smiled and closed the book. "So tell me, what’s Junior really like?" (90% of the women I tell I was in the Cup ask about Dale Earnhardt Jr.)

"He’s a lot like his dad. A real down to earth guy who understands that the fans are what make the sport. Hell he even sat outside the Nascar office trailer one day and signed autographs for over 3 hours." (I didn’t tell her that he did it as a form of protest against some of the officials who were trapped in the trailer for the entire time he sat there.)

"So what is it you do now for a living?"

"Well I WAS a fork truck mechanic in Oswego."

"Ok, lets check your strength and see what we can do to get you back in the salt mines."

She lead me over to a series of machines that would test my physical strength and endurance. I won’t bore you with the details of the tests. It’s just, lift this, push that, pull this, squeeze that kind of stuff. She took me into another room where another lady sat at her desk.

"Bonny, this is Toni. Toni, this is Bonny, our Occupational Therapist." I held out me hand for her.

"Pleasure to finally meet you Toni." As she shook my hand. "So what do you do for a living?"

"I’m a fork truck mechanic."

Kristie chimed in. "Don’t forget to tell her you used to work in Nascar, Toni."

I started to blush when Bonny smiled.

"Nascar huh? So, what’s Brian Vickers like."

"I never had the chance to meet him. But that’s really in my past now. So what am I here for?"

"Well were going to test your manual dexterity, and see how well you can handle simple household tasks."

I just nodded and she led me to a kitchen to open a can and then make a pot of soup. Then she had me fold laundry. Mom, always trying to be funny tells her that I was now doing something I usually never did at home. I just stuck my tongue out at her. The tests went on, with me working with smaller and smaller items ending with her having me make a paperclip necklace, which I did one handed to be a smart ass.

"Well Toni, I don’t think your accident has caused any harm to your fine motor skills, and I think you can return to work as soon as you want to."

I smiled, and thanked her. Then she saw the book of pictures that Kristie had left on her desk, and started to look thru them. She really didn’t show any emotion as she flipped thru the book and then handed it to me.

"I was wondering how you were able to crew for a Nascar team. I guess that explains it, don’t forget your book."

"Yeah, what a spring it’s been." I took the book and told her the short version of what happened. Then I thanked her and we left for the lawyers office to sign the final papers to make my name change official. (Pretty standard stuff, "sign here, and here, and here.") Then, we headed over to the DMV and got my licence changed over and had a new picture taken. I called work and told them that I would be in, in the morning to start my job again. They told me that tomorrow was just the safety meeting and I didn’t need to be in till 7.

I walked in the meeting room and you could have heard a pin drop as I took a seat with my crew and re-introduced myself. All the guys could do was just look at me and try to figure out which hidden camera show they were on.

As the meeting started the plant manager welcomed me back and reminded everyone that I was still the same knowledgeable person I was before and then pointed to my crew leader to remind him that no pranks would be tolerated. As the meeting ended some of the mill operators came over and shook my hand to welcome me back. Then Ed, my crew leader pulled me aside.

"You really doing ok as you look like you are? I mean, come on, that was one hell of an ordeal you went thru."

"No, I’m fine Ed. I still have nightmares, but they say they’ll get better over time. We have night’s this week right? So tomorrow at 5pm?"

He nodded and shook my hand as I left to go get new work boots. I forgot about them when mom and I picked up new clothes. So on the way home I stopped at the mall and picked up and new pair of steel toes in my new shoe size.

I did the best I could to get on the night schedule, (working swing shift can suck sometimes.) and went in to work the next night a little early, so I could see if anything was waiting for me at my work table. There was nothing major going on so I just unlocked my box, and then went to the team briefing for the shift. I ended up in remelt for the night working on one of the 25000 pound trucks, so I loaded up my tools. I took a look at the work order to see what I might need, and drove my golf cart to the area of the truck and started to go thru it like I always did.

I was bent over the rear fender leaning into the engine bay, when I heard a rude comment and felt a slap on the ass. I jumped off the truck and there were two big guys standing there with shit eating grins on their faces, and there was me, with a big mag light in one hand and a big box wrench in the other.

"Alright, which one of you scum bags touched me?"

They both just smiled and started to close in on me. The ugly one made a lunge for me when I caught him straight in the nuts with the toe of my steel toe boot. The other one made a grab, but I ducked and connected with both the wrench and the mag light into his crotch.

I was looking around when I heard a beep from one of the scooters and looked up to see my boss.

"What’s going on here?"

"That bitch attacked us!" The first one said in a high pitched pained voice.

"One of these asshole’s wanted to play grab ass with me while I was looking in the engine bay, Ed."

He instructed them to leave and then helped me finish the job. All it was, was a loose fitting on the hydraulic pump for the forks, and we had it fixed and back in action in no time.

"Maybe this isn’t such a good idea."

"What isn’t Ed?"

"I mean you’re a great mechanic, but this is all just too weird. Maybe it’s best if you didn’t work here anymore."

"How can you say that?"

"Oh come on. Tell me you wouldn’t be weirded out by one of the guys on your crew who you actually grew close to and considered a friend, suddenly changed into a woman?"

"You act like I asked for this to happen Ed? I’m not a trans-sexual, or a cross dresser. I’m still the same person I was a couple months ago. Just my body looks different."

"I’ll say. Lucky for you I still think of you as Pat, and not a hot piece of ass."

"You asshole! That’s sexual harassment."

"Oh come on. Have you taken a look at yourself? I can’t say I blame those guys for doing what they did. I’d probably have done it myself if the thought of seeing you naked right now didn’t bring back memories of the fat bastard you used to be."

"You piece of shit! I want a transfer, right fucking now!"

I stormed off to the managers office and found Helen, our department head there finishing up some paperwork.

"Can I help you?"

"Helen, it’s me. Toni?" I sighed. "Pat Trepasso? Remember I had an accident? I need to talk to you about a shift change."

"Oh right. So how is your first night back going?"

"Shitty, thanks for asking."

"Why, what’s up?"

"Well, lets see, I’ve been molested while trying to fix a truck. Then I found out my shift supervisor thinks I’m a freak, and then made a sexually derogatory statement about me being a, how did he say it? Oh yeah, ‘a hot piece of ass.’ I’m not working for that asshole another second. So either fire me, or transfer me to another shift."

"Wow, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry that happened Toni. Can you please shut my door, and have a seat please?" I did and she offered me a coffee.

"So what are you going to do? Ed’s usually a good guy Helen, but I just can’t work for, or with him anymore after what he just said to me."

"I understand completely. You see, you and I are a lot more alike then you think."

"Yeah, like you changed into a woman and then got sexually Harassed by your boss." I laughed.

"Actually when your dad worked here, did he ever talk about an apprentice he had named Harold?"

"Yeah, he said that kid was a lot like me. Only had to show him once, and he got it. Why?"

She just smiled at me, and pulled out a photo album. "That’s me and your dad when I finished my apprentice program."

I looked at the picture and saw my dad with a young man. I looked back at Helen, and then at the picture and realized it was the same person, only a few years older, and A LOT more feminine looking.

"You’re messing with me right? What is this your brother?"

"No Toni, that’s me. You see, I had a sex change in 1973, right after your dad left for the chocolate factory. I was a trans-sexual. I always thought I was born in the wrong body. So when I could afford to fix the problem, I did."

I was floored. I would never have guessed that Helen used to be a man. Granted, she always had a commanding presents about her, but I’d have never guessed this. I just looked at more pictures and there was even one of her with my parents at one of my birthday parties when I was a baby. This got me thinking.

"I know this is a lot to wrap your mind around Toni. But I’ll do what I can to help you. What shift would you like to go to?"

Her question brought me out of my daze. "Huh? What? Oh, um, well how about ‘B’ shift? I’ve always gotten along with Rachel when I filled in on my days off."

"Ok, let me call her."

She dialed her phone and had a short conversation with the person on the other end who I could only assume was Rachel. She smiled at me and as she hung up the phone, she told me I could start on Monday, that shift had days that week, and were on their week off right now.

"So what do I do about Ed?"

"Oh, you let me handle him. Besides, I just traded you for Josh."

"You mean ‘Mr. Fix It Again?’ wow, how does that guy still have a job with all the screw ups he’s had?"

"His uncle is the plant manager."

"That would do it. Look Helen, thank you for helping me, and for sharing your story."

"Hey, we girls have to look out for each other. So have you had any other problems since your change?"

"Well let’s see, my father won’t talk to me, or even answer the phone when he see’s my numbers on the caller ID. I got attacked by some asshole in a truck when I took my motorcycle out for a ride the other day. I got my ass grabbed by two thugs in Remelt. Then had to physically defend myself when they both wanted to touch me again. My supervisor, sorry, EX-supervisor, thinks I’m a freak, and told me that he’d like to jump my bones if he could ever forget what a fat fuck I used to be. His exact words mind you. Oh, and my big brother in my fraternity wants to date me. How’s that for the short list?"

"Wow, that’s a lot to have on your plate. Just know that I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to." she said as she handed me a piece of paper with some phone numbers on it. "That’s my cell, my pager, and my home phone."

"Thanks Helen. By the way, do you ever get wicked cramps? I woke up this afternoon, and could barely walk."

"That’s probably a sign that your going to start your cycle hun. Yes I do get them too. The hormones they have me on gives me some of the same feelings, but I don’t bleed. I suggest you stop at the store on your way home and pick up some pads. They sell a multi-pack so you can try different ones till you find out how much you’ll flow."

"Um, thanks." I offered blushing. "Wow, where did the time go? It’s almost midnight. You should probably get home, your family must be worried."

"Nah, Rachel is fine, and she knows I’m taking care of some important business. You can take the rest of the day off with pay, and if you feel up to it, come on over for dinner tomorrow. We’re having Bosco and Geers sausage on the grill."

"Wait a minute, you live with Rachel? I thought you told me once you were married?"

"I am, we got married before I had my sex change. You can meet my girls too. Maria, and Jen are home from college for the weekend. Hey, didn’t you used to go to Alfred State?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well you said you go back to visit your brothers a few times a year. My girls are both in a sorority. Maybe you know them."

"I don’t know until I meet them. I’ll call you tomorrow and find out what time, right?"

"Have a good night Toni, and have a safe trip home."

I just smiled as I changed back into my street clothes to head for home. I hopped on my bike and started to put my helmet on when I saw one of the guys from earlier driving right at me. I quickly gunned it and stomped it into gear, just before he would have hit me, with his big new truck. Since I was parked next to the guard shack, and he just couldn’t stop that fast, the truck buried itself cab deep into the new building. I started thinking to myself "Why do people keep trying to hit me when I’m on my bike?"

The guard saw the whole thing, and called the cops. It was the same guy’s who had attacked me earlier and Helen had them fired for sexual harassment. Just as the cops were showing up, Ed was pulling thru the gate with his tool box in the back of his truck. The guard told me he was also being escorted off the premises and being dismissed. I called Helen’s cell and asked her to reconsider. I reminded her that Ed was for the most part a good guy, and he had saved me from being attacked by the other two guys. She informed me that the company had a no tolerance policy when it came to that sort of thing and as a manager he had just gone thru training again for it. Every manager had since my lawyer had pressured the company to hold my job, and had made sure they were well aware of my situation. I just sighed and gave my statement to the cops, then pointed my bike home. I managed not to wake up mom or Doug, and drifted into a good sleep.

I settled back into the routine at work. The swing shift still sucks, being on days one time, and nights the next, but the fact that they give us what works out to 8 days off in a row each month makes up for it. Plus the most you work in a row is 4 shifts of 12 hours each. So when you look at the schedule, and ad up the time we only work around 15-16 days a month. So it’s not all bad right? This gave me plenty of time to give Cap’s tins the mural of the military patch he wanted. I even put the Campus safety emblem on the fender for him.

My new crew leader is a real sweetheart. She treats me like one of the guys but also has taken the time to get to know me, and I’ve found myself over to her and Helen’s house for dinner on the days off more and more. It’s almost like I have 3 mom’s now. Helen and Rachel both look out for me like I was one of their own.

OH, and how could I forget. Maria and Jen, their daughters? I was having a beer with Helen in the back yard when a car pulled up, and I heard two giggling girls get out. A chill went up my spine when I recognized one of the voices. It was that shrill that reminded me of Rosanne Barr on helium. I turned to watch Maria from my fraternity’s sister sorority walk in the gate, and hug Helen.

"Hi mom. HOLY SHIT! HERMES! What are you doing here?"

"Ah, so you do know my daughters?"

"You could say that. Screech and I go back a couple years. So how are things with you and Sarge?"

Maria hugged me and told me Sarge had asked to marry her. She then introduced me to her sister, and one of our newest members, Jen, or as she called her Rosie. I guessed from the girls build that they named her after the AC/DC song ‘Whole lotta Rosie.’ We ate and talked then I went home and Maria pulled me aside.

"You are coming to Alumni weekend next week right?"

"Um, YEAH! How could I miss a chance to write on the first one to pass out like we always do?"

"Ok, just checking. See you then." she said hugging me. I got on my bike and headed home.

My lawyer called me a couple days before the end of April and told me that the University has offered a settlement. They really don’t want a lot of attention that a court case would bring so they offered half of the $25 million my lawyer was suing them for. I told him that I could live with that since I really don’t have many bills. Student loans were paid off a couple years ago, and I own my bike and van outright. Plus I’ve kept myself on a cash only basis for everything else, so no credit card bills staring me in the face either. I signed the papers at the lawyers and the lawyer for the University handed me a check for $12.5 million like we had agreed. I had my lawyer follow me to the bank where I cashed it and gave him his fee, plus a tip big enough for a good vacation for him and his wife.

I told the bank that I was going to be going car shopping and would be calling in a bit from a dealer because I was going to write a check for the amount of the new car. The manager informed me that I should probably pay with cash or a bank check that way there would be less of a problem, and asked me how much I would need. I told her I planned on buying a truck and gave her the price I researched on the internet plus about $10000. She got my money for me, and thanked me for my business. So off I went, back home to get changed into something nice to go shop for my new truck.

I pulled into the dealership in my old ‘96 Plymouth van and walked into the Dodge dealership. It kind of felt funny to ware a green sun dress and 2 inch matching heals for the first time, but I wanted to make a good impression on the sales staff when I picked out my new ride. So I started to browse the new trucks they had in. I immediately fell in love with the forest green half ton with 4 wheel drive and yes it does have a HEMI. I turned around after looking at the sticker price, and here was a sales man walking toward me.

"Shopping for a new truck for your husband, little lady?"

I shot him the look of pure contempt.

"Nope and you just lost a sale today."

I walked past him into the show room, found the first woman who worked there, and introduced myself.

"Hi I’m Toni, and I want to buy that green half ton out there."

"Welcome to ‘Driver’s City’ I’m Cathy, let me get you a sales person."

"You don’t understand Cathy, I’m going to buy that truck from YOU. Is that a problem? Because if it is, I’ll take my cash and go home."

She told me she was just the receptionist, and would have to speak to the manager. I nodded and she went off to his office. A couple minutes later they both came out and the manager introduced himself to me. I already knew who he was, I was one of his sales guys when he was selling Mitsubishi’s.

"Toni? Mike Gould, Cathy tells me that you want to buy a truck from us today?"

"Yes Mike I do want to buy a truck today, and I want to buy it from HER. Is that a problem?"

"Well Cathy isn’t one of our sales staff, let me get one of my best guys on it."

"No. That won’t do, good day Mike." I started to turn to leave.

"What’s wrong miss?"

"One of your sales monkeys insulted me out on the truck line earlier. Let me tell you this. I am here for MY new truck. Your salesman asked if I was shopping for my husband. THAT Mr. Gould is a dangerous assumption to make in this day and age. Now, if Cathy won’t be handling my sale, I will just take my money else where."

The look on his face was priceless, as he asked me to point out the offending salesman. I refused and asked him again if we had a deal or not. He begrudgingly gave in and the three of us walked into his office to begin the paperwork. I told him I wanted $100 for my trade, it’s a real beater, and that I would pay sticker price for the truck. He just smiled and worked up the papers for me to sign.

"So do you want to finance with one of our banks or thru your own?" as he slid a credit application in front of me.

"No, I’ll pay cash thank you." As I pulled out the bundle of cash the bank had given me.

His eyes nearly popped out of his head as he looked at the money. But we finished the deal, I made him put it in writing that Cathy would get the commission, and as he was wringing up the bill in the office I pulled Cathy aside, handing her $500.

"Here, this is for having to put up with the assholes you work with, I know how hard it can be, I used to work in car sales myself. You handled yourself as a true professional today. You did everything I asked. You remembered the golden rule of sales. ‘The customer is always right.’ You earned this."

She just looked at me and slowly took the money from me. She kept saying it wasn’t necessary, even as she put it in her purse. I told her to never look a gift horse in the mouth and that I would be back to help my mom buy a car from her when mom’s lease runs out.

Two hours later, I had my new truck all washed, gassed, and ready to go. So I made a beeline for the nearest camping store to buy a tent and other things I would need for the upcoming Alumni Weekend for my fraternity.

My next stop was to the ‘Party Source’ for what else but BEER! I always brought down some local brews from around Syracuse whenever I went back to see the guys. I saw that it was the time of year for my favorites to be back on the shelves. So I got a couple cases of some area beers for the guys and a 12 pack of Wailing Wench for me. I packed up and off I went to Alfred to see the crew again.

My first stop was to the Campus Safety building to drop off Captain Brown’s tins to him. He was ecstatic at the job I did, asking me how I got such detail in the paint. I just told him I used some pin stripe brushes and other fine tip ones to get the right effect. He thanked me and I was off the meet up with the guys at the camp site.

I got there just as Opiee and Pete were setting up their tents. So I parked close and started to set mine up like I had planned in the bed of my new truck. I put my air mattress in and then pulled out the beer to get it to start chilling till the rest of the guys and galls showed up. Opiee and I started a fire and Pete collected some wood from the back of Opiee’s truck. We all sat there and just chilled.

The rest of the party started to trickle in as classes let out for the weekend and more and more people showed up as the alumni who could take half days from work started to show up as well. I started to just zone out, even as some of the founders showed and someone started to cook burgers on the grill. I just sat there and had a chance to reflect on all that has happened in the past 4 months. I’ve had a couple periods, and the lovely cramps that go along with them. Two separate brushes with death on my motorcycle. Mom and I are a lot closer now then we ever have been, but dad still won’t talk to me. This made me start to cry, but a familiar voice brought me back to reality.

"You going to go to bed, or just sit by the fire all night?" It was Brit.

"Huh? What?" I looked at the clock on my cell phone.

"I said are you going to go sleep in your tent? Or are you going to sit by the fire all night? Have you been crying? What’s wrong Hermes?"

She was the first one to call me anything but Toni in a while. So I offered her a seat next to me.

"I’ve just been thinking how much has changed in the past few months."

"Like what?"

"Well for one thing, you remember that girl I was seeing when I was Pat right?"

"Sarah something right?"

"Yeah, that’s her, well she and I broke up when I was in the hospital and now she won’t even return my phone calls let alone agree to see me and let me at least talk to her. I just feel so alone sometimes."

"Yeah, Jess and I broke up back at Day of Heaven*, She said she wanted to concentrate on her racing, so I feel you Hermes, I do."

She put her hand on mine and I just looked at her with the tears still coming down. She stood up pulled me to my feet, and kissed me. I was a bit shocked at first. I mean Brit is into girls, then I had to remind myself that I’m now one of them. So I guess it’s all good.

"Where are you sleeping tonight Brit?"

"I have a tent in my car."

"It’s too late and dark to put it up now, how about you grab your sleeping bag and join me in mine. I have an air mattress."

She nodded and we walked over to get her things to carry them over to my tent. We climbed in, and she started to take her shirt off.

"Um, I’ve never done this before Brit."

"What? Slept with a girl in the same tent?"

"No, slept with a girl in the same tent AS a girl in the same tent."

She put her hand on my shoulder. "You have nothing to be ashamed of, or fear. I promise, no funny stuff tonight. Deal?"

"Deal" I shook her hand as started to pull off my grungy t-shirt and put on a clean one to sleep in, as well as some shorts, before climbing into my sleeping bag.

"Night Brit"

"Night Toni"

I don’t remember drifting off to sleep that night. However I do remember waking up in the middle of the night with Brit’s arm draped over my chest, as she softly snored in my ear. I just closed my eyes and thought how lucky I was to have such good friends around.

I was brought back to the world of reality when someone touched off an air horn in my tent and started screaming for me to get up. I stumbled out of the tent still in my shorts and t-shirt, (both embroidered with the fraternity crest on them) and proceeded to fall right on my ass off the tailgate of the truck.

"What the hell Maria? Give me one good reason not to hurt you right now."

"Because BITCH! You’re now a pledge of Psi Sigma Psi!"

"I’m a what? Uh..... no? I’m an alumni of Mu Theta."

"You’re one of us now!" Jamie shouted in my face.

"Now wait one minute here. Don’t I get a say in this?"

"NO!" All the sisters shouted at the same time I felt like I was in an IMAX theater.

"Ok, what do I have to do?"

They put me thru my paces. Again I can’t tell you everything that went on, but I can tell you that it was the most fun I never want to go thru EVER again. As night fell I had to make sure that everyone had a beer in their hand or a set of car keys, and that no one had both if they were planning on going back to campus that night. Then the shrill of Maria’s voice broke the calm drone of the large group by the fire.

"SHUT UP BITCHES! I need our new sister front and center!!!" (Remember, Rosanne Barr, on helium.)

I made my way thru the crowd and took my place where I needed to be. Then the girls had me get down on my knees and they put me thru the final ceremony of becoming a sister. They decided to leave my name as Hermes, because I do have quite a story to tell now. I was sung to by the brothers just like I have sung to them so many times before but they finally had a chance to use the female version of the "Drink Mother Fucker" song.

I made my way over to the pond and sat there by the banks for a while by my self, just looking at the water in the full moon light. I didn’t really think about much, I just enjoyed my beer and just relaxed for the first time since this whole thing started. I have no idea how long I was there, but I do remember Brit sitting next to me after I was there for a while.

"You knew about this didn’t you?"

"No Hermes, this is one secret they didn’t let me in on. Are you happy though?"

"Shocked is a more appropriate word. All I thought was going to happen this weekend was just chilling out and drinking beers with old friends. I never would have thought they would put me thru a hell night."

She snuggled under my arm as I leaned on a tree, and I hugged her, then offered a toast.

"To friends. May they help all your problems get licked."

Brit just giggled, realizing I was a bit buzzed from drinking the beer I was.

"Come on Hermes, I have something for you too."

I followed her back to my tent. Once in side she kissed me full on the lips and I felt the cool metal of her tongue piercing parting my lips. It felt right, it felt good to be touched. Her hands went under my shirt and she pulled it off me as she broke the kiss for a moment. I pulled hers off and we entwined there on the air mattress as she became to explore my new body. Then I got scared.

"Wait." I gave her a gentle push and we stopped. She looked at me concerned. "This is a first for me, and I don’t know what is happening, or going to happen... or... " she cut me off.

"Toni, we’ll only go as far and as fast as you want. Just say stop at ANY time, and we will. Deal?"

I nodded and she kissed my lips again, as she held the side of my face in her hand. She turned my head and pushed me gently down onto my back. Her kisses were getting me excited in ways I’ve never felt before. As a man I know I would have been hard and ready, but this was different, it was like an old diesel engine warming up and getting ready for a long haul. Her hands were caressing my smooth skin and gently placed her mouth over my sensitive nipples. She kept sucking on them switching back and forth between the two. She reached for the tie to my warm-up pants and stopped to look me in the eyes. I nodded and helped her to get them off. I had a tingle all over as she kissed my belly, and made her way to my thighs. She paused once more and asked if I was ok. I nodded again and she pulled my thong aside and kissed my lower lips. I went rigid as I felt sensations I’ve never felt before. It was as if I had plugged into a 220 volt outlet and just let the juice flow thru my nether regions.

She stopped for a moment to let me calm down, then she kissed me there again, this time I felt her tongue piercing scrape along my hard clit, and I felt like a bomb had gone off in my body. I convulsed, and screamed. She did her best to stop and try to help me, but it was just something that had to run it’s course. I finally caught my breath and looked at her with my eyes nearly popping out of my head.

"Let me guess, that was your first orgasm with this body Toni?"

I nodded, and she giggled. I just pulled her into a tight hug, and caressed her body as she had done mine earlier. I pulled on her nipple rings, as she removed her pants. Then as I was kissing my way down her body, my mind flashed to the dream I’d been having about the mystery woman, when Brit broke the silence.

"YOU!" She gasped.

"Me? What did I do?"

"You’ve been the one I’ve seen in my dreams for the past month."

"You’ve had that dream too?"

"What do you mean too? You mean?"

"Yup, I’ve been having a dream of holding a woman like this, and you taste and feel just like she did."

"You do too. But I always wake up just as she’s about to kiss me there."

"I wake up just before my lips meet your cleft too. Let’s not wake up this time."

I smiled up at her as I kissed my way along her inner thigh and I finally make it to her moist soft lower lips I let her musky scent fill my nose and I kiss her there. She threw her legs over my shoulders and I let my tongue part her lips. For the first time I get to taste the rest of the dream, only this time it is real, and we both know it.

A while later as we both cuddled and relaxed, I kissed her on the forehead.

"I guess you were right back in the hospital Brit."

"Oh, how’s that?"

"Jamie asked if I was me, and I told her that I was still me on the inside but on the outside I was, and you cut me off to say."

"My next girlfriend." She cut me off again. I giggled and kissed her again.

"If that’s an invite I might have to take you up on the offer. Just promise me that you’ll be gentle. After all, I’m a virgin again... or at least I was until tonight."

She just laughed and hugged me tight till we both fell asleep.

It’s been a while so I’ll give you the update. Brit and I have been seeing each other exclusively for the past year, since that night we shared our dreams in that tent. My mom simply loves her, and what’s not to like? She’s a very intelligent woman. She is finishing her Bachelors Degree in Mechanical Engineering and she’s asked me to marry her. This is not the problem I thought it would be since talking to a few friends I met during a golf tournament for work with one of our other plants in Canada. One of the other women in the foursome of myself, Helen, and Rachel, told me that her and her life partner were from the states originally too, and they moved to Canada because they recognize same sex marriage there. I spoke to Brit and told her my idea. She kissed me and told me it sounded like the perfect plan to her, so I put in a transfer to the plant in Canada. I got news that I can start 3 weeks after Brit takes that walk across the stage at graduation, and we will have that week to move to Brunswick to start our new life together. Mind you, it’s not that I need to work for the money, I already have more then enough of that to get the two of us thru the rest of this life and most of the next. But I have had one period of time where I was out of work for an extended period of time, when I was helping my dad recover from the stroke he had that made me leave working in the Nextel Cup. To say that I was getting a bit bored would be an understatement. I was going crazy from not having anything to do. I had fixed everything in the house that was broke after one week, and there are only so many times you can wash a floor. So I work to keep busy, and have something to do. I hate not having something to do.

On the scheduled week off from work I get once a month, I went to visit the plant I was transferring to, to meet my new boss, and to make sure I knew how to get there. I also, as luck would have it, found a nice house near the plant and sent pictures to Brits phone using the camera in mine. She called me back in a couple minutes and told me that it looked perfect, so I called the realtor, and I bought the house.

Brit was busy for the next couple weeks with finals and getting ready for graduation, so I had plenty of time to make the final preparations for the move. I had gone to her parents house in Pennsylvania and her mom and I packed all her things into the moving van I rented. I just love her mom, she reminds me so much of Brit it’s scary. They have the same laugh and similar mannerisms. After we finished packing the van she offered me a drink. As we sat there drinking a soda together, she told me that she was happy Brit finally found a woman that treated her like a woman instead of her last few girlfriends who treated her like she was a man without a penis. This shocked me that her mother would say that to me and I actually did a spit take, spraying my soda all over the deck behind their house.

"I’m sorry, what?"

"I know my daughter is gay, but you treat her like a woman. Those other girls acted like she was the man in the relationship."

"Wow, Mary, I don’t know what to say. Um... did Brit tell you how she and I met?"

"Yes, she has told me the whole story, about how you both shared the same dream and how she was your first."

"Um..... did she tell you anything else?" I wasn’t sure how to approach the next question I had.

"Yes Toni, I know you used to be a man. She called me that day she came to visit you in the hospital, and since then, I’ve put two and two together to realize you are the same "Hermes" she was talking about."

I bet my face was glowing red with embarrassment right then. I mean I didn’t want to be the one to tell her mom, and the woman surprised me by figuring it all out by herself.

"And you’re cool with me being with your little girl Mary?"

"Like I said Toni, you treat her like the woman she deserves to be treated like."

"I really care about her, and I would never knowingly do anything to harm her. I want you to know this. She means the world to me, just like I’m sure she does you. I’d never had even considered moving to another country just so I could be with a woman before.... well you know."

"I know Toni, and I think it’s wonderful you were able to find a solution to that little problem. Sometimes this country scares me in how narrow minded it is. And can you believe the reasons they give in congress for denying same sex marriage?"

"Yeah, what ever happened to the whole separation of church and state that this country was founded on?"

She just shrugged and we sat there watching the sun go down, and finished our soda’s. Brit’s dad, John came home a while later and we all had pizza together since we were all too tired from the day for any of us to cook. After dinner Mary went for a swim, while John asked to have a word with me.

"What’s up John?"

"I just want you to know that if Brit is going to share her life with anyone, I’m glad it’s you Toni."

I just stared at him and started to cry, realizing that he was accepting me into his family. He pulled out a tissue for me, and pulled me into a fatherly embrace.

"Thank you John, it means so much to me." I tried to wipe the tears out of my eyes.

"I mean it Toni, you really are welcome in this house anytime, and I’m happy to have you as my new daughter in-law."

"John you have no idea what that means to me."

"Brit told me about the trouble with your dad. I’m here if you ever need to talk about anything." He just hugged me tight and let me sob into his shoulder.

"Thanks John. Did brit tell you what I am doing for Father’s Day for dad?"

"No, can’t say she mentioned it."

I started to tell him about how my dad’s first car was a ‘54 Plymouth Savoy, and how I had found one on line. I bought it and restored it mostly, but as for running gear, I knew if dad had something like this he would drive it every chance he got. This reason caused me to put a fuel injected 318, and new transmission out of a pickup in it. I also updated the suspension, and brakes so it will be able to take day to day driving if needed. I even painted it the same factory color dad used to have.

John told me that my dad was a lucky man, and didn’t know what he was missing. I told him that I wasn’t just trying to buy dad’s love. I had been working on this project since well before my change. He nodded and explained that Mary had told him all about me.

"Do you have a picture of what you used to look like?"

I pulled out my wallet and showed him the picture of me and dad at my cousin’s wedding a couple years ago. He just looked at it, then back at me, then back at the picture. He didn’t believe it was the same person, so I went out to my car, and got the photo book from the hospital. He was awe struck looking at the photos. Mary came back from her swim and asked to look at the book when he was done.

"Wow, you were a big boy, weren’t you?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that Mary. I played rugby and threw discus all thru school."

"When Brit first told me you used to work in NASCAR, I thought she was pulling my leg. But looking at these pictures I can see how you could have done it."

"Yes John, I get that a lot. I mean there aren’t that many women in that field to begin with and I don’t know of any that actually go over the wall on race day. It’s fun though for me to watch the reaction of people when they find out about my racing days."

"Do you miss it?"

"Well, yes and no. I miss being at the tracks. But I don’t miss the 20 hour days in the shop. I worked for smaller teams so we all went both ways. At the bigger shops they have a designated track crew and guys who only work in the shop to get the next batch of cars ready."

We talked some more about the upcoming wedding and I showed them pictures of the house we were going to be living in. I then let them in on the gift I was getting Brit for graduation, a brand new Jeep. They both just smiled and said Brit would love it. I went to bed early since I had to drive to the new house to unpack in the morning.

The move went pretty smooth and I picked up the new car for Brit the day before the ceremony at the school. I put on my best suit skirt and matching heels, to meet her parents for the ceremony. Much to our shock Brit was giving the Valedictory speech. John and Mary asked me if I knew this was going to happen. I told them no, and then asked them if they had known. They too didn’t know, so we all just sat there beaming with pride as Brit made her speech and then received her well earned diploma. Brit met up with us out in front of the gym, and we all hugged, then I told her I had a gift for her. I lead her over to the Jeep that I had tied a big pink bow around.

"TONI! IT’S WONDERFUL!"

"Yeah, you can retire that old beater of your’s now." I laughed as she continued to hug me.

"You didn’t have to do this. My car could have gotten me thru till I could afford something different."

"You forget. We’re moving to Canada. So you’ll need something to get thru the snow."

She agreed and we picked up her things at her room, then after a quick dinner with her folks, we were off to start our new life. We pulled up to the house a little after 8pm in the evening and made quick work to get her things into the house. We both agreed that we would just bring them in and then put them away in the morning. We went to bed and just cuddled all night. We’d be married in a week and tomorrow I was going to surprise my dad for Fathers Day.

We both got up early and had a light breakfast of coffee and toast. I pulled the car out of the garage and gave it one last once over with the wrenches, as Brit finished putting her college things away. We were off for my dad’s a bit before noon, with me in the Plymouth and Brit in her Jeep. I have to say, the old car handled the trip quite well. We got to my dad’s house, just north of Syracuse around 5pm. I had decided that I would just park out front and then tape a card with the keys inside to the back door. Things were going as planned but as I reached for the back door he stood there looking at me just staring.

"Can I help you miss?" He didn’t seem to recognize me.

"Um yes sir, I have a delivery for you." As I handed him the card and then walked away to Brit in the waiting Jeep.

I asked her to drive off as dad came running out of the house trying to flag us down. Brit just rolled down the window, to see what he wanted. Damn her, I just wanted to make this as painless as I could.

"Brit can you please just go! Come on!" Then I heard dad call to me.

"Toni wait!"

This was the first time he’d even acknowledged my existence since my change, and all I could do was just turn in my seat to look at him as the tears started to roll. He opened the door and gave me a big hug, which I returned.

"Oh daddy."

"Can you come in and stay a while?"

I nodded and Brit parked her Jeep in the drive way. We went inside and the place hadn’t changed a bit since I was last there. I couldn’t help but notice that there were a lot of pictures of me, apparently from time spent with mom. She must have sent them to dad to keep him up on how I was doing.

"Toni you don’t have to do this. I don’t deserve your gifts. I’ve been a fool."

"Dad, I’ve been planning this since well before any of this happened. Remember when I told you I had bought a car in Arizona when I was out there working for that sprint car team. Well, I didn’t get my money back, I just had him ship it to a friend of mine’s shop, and we restored it. Oh, and dad, this is Brit, we’re getting married next week."

Dad was floored. Apparently mom hadn’t told him about the engagement, and here I was after he hadn’t spoke to me in over a year, dropping the bomb on him that I was getting married, to another woman.

"I thought New York didn’t recognize same sex marriage?"

"They don’t dad, we’ve moved to Canada. We’ll be having the ceremony there next week. You’re welcome to come if you want."

He smiled, and told me that he would call mom and see if he could ride with her and my step dad. He hugged Brit and welcomed her to the family, as we went outside so I could show him the car. He was impressed that I was able to do all this and keep it secret from him for so long. I told him that he made it easy when he stopped talking to me for a year, and laughed as I said it. I missed him so, and I know how much he had to be hurting inside. We hugged in the street and then I told him I’d call him when we got back home to give him directions to our new house. Then Brit and I just drove on home.

"I don’t know if I should be mad at you for making me go thru that back there, or if I should just hug you and kiss you all over for forcing me to stay and talk to my dad."

She laughed at me. "Who are you trying to kid, you know you can’t stay mad at me."

I just hugged her as she drove. "True, and don’t you forget it." I kissed her on the cheek.

We got home sometime after midnight and both just poured ourselves into bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and realized I had a weight on my chest. I soon found out it was just her arm as she had rolled over and draped it over me, while she just softly snored. I thought to myself how truly lucky I was to have her. She helped me get thru some rough times when I first changed and now she’s helped get my dad and I back together. I can’t help but wonder what I have done to deserve such a great girl in my life, as I rolled over and fell asleep with her holding me in the spooning position.

Things were going well as far as the wedding was going. The crews from Alfred are flew in yesterday. They got their hotel rooms and are coming over to the house today for a big party. Brit and I are planning on taking her new bike out tomorrow for a tour of the country side. It’s so beautiful here. It kind of reminds me of the Finger Lakes region back home. She’s excited to finally break out her new "toy" as she calls it. I wouldn’t call a Honda RC51 race bike a toy, but she’s funny like that. I just hope she’s careful on it. I know that crotch rocket’s can be more dangerous then bikes like mine.

"A toast to the brides!" I’ll never get used to that high pitched squeal of Maria’s voice.

"Here’s to our dear sisters, our dear sisters, our dear sisters. And here’s to our dear sister who’re with us tonight. They eat it, they beat it, they really mistreat it. So here’s to our new sisters who’re with us to night... NOW DRINK MOTHER FUCKER’S! DRINK MOTHER FUCKER’S! DRINK MOTHER FUCKER’S! DRINK! NOW DRINK MOTHER FUCKER’S! DRINK MOTHER FUCKER’S! DRINK MOTHER FUCKER’S! DRINK!"

It was deafening when the whole party was chanting to us like that. Brit’s and my parents just stared in awe of the whole debacle, not really sure what to think when they saw their baby girls chugging fresh beers with our arms locked elbow to elbow. We held ours up and shouted the Alfred chant of "BOOZE FACE!" This causing everyone else to drink as we did. We made our way over to the parents and all sat down for a quieter moment.

"I take it that was you’re doing Toni?"

"Heh, yeah mom, I used to sing that to the new guys at hell night, right after they got brothered."

Mary broke in. "You have quite a daughter here Michelle, (Mom)."

"Yes I do, I thought she was a handful when she was a boy, but that was a cake walk compared to the past year."

"Brit was the same way. We always worried about the girls she brought home. That is until we met Toni. She’s just a sweetheart. I can’t believe she was ever a man."

Brit noticed me turning shade after shade of red and took my hand.

"Come on mom, they all weren’t THAT bad. And besides... Toni and I were friends before she changed. So that counts for something doesn’t it? Come on dear, let’s go see what trouble our friends are getting into now."

"Probably beer pong and flip cup like always." I said as we got up and lets the old folks talk.

"My mom can be so....." Brit struggled to find the right word.

"Direct?" I offered

"Yeah. I guess that’s it."

"But that is one of the things I like about her. You always know where you stand with your mom. My folks used to never tell me what they thought of my girlfriends, until after I had broken up with them. But I can assure you, my mom simply LOVES you, just like I do." I told her as she softly kissed my lips.

The party died down around 1am. NO, they didn’t burn the house down. NO, the cops didn’t have to be called to break up anything. It was just a nice gathering of friends and family. After they all left and Brit and I went to bed cuddling together like we had done since we started seeing each other.

"You know, I could get used to this Brit."

"What’s that?"

"Falling asleep with you in my arms and waking up with me in your’s"

"You’re such a dork, go to sleep." she said as she kissed my cheek and snuggled into my arm.

Morning broke and we cleaned up a bit before we made our way out to the garage to give the bikes the once over safety wise. It was hard to concentrate with Brit dressed in her leather race style suit. It really hugged her slim body and really accentuated the curves. We both strapped on our helmets and fired them up. While we let the motors warm up I showed Brit how to use the two way radio I had installed in the helmets so we could talk to each other without having to yell. I had her take the lead, since she only has her permit and I have to keep her in eye sight since I have my licence.

We made our way north and she started to get the feel of her new ride as we both started to pick the pace up a bit. I relaxed and just let the road come to me, as my mind started to think about the wedding and everything else that has happened over the past year. I probably shouldn’t have to tell you that this is not a good thing to do at 70 miles an hour on some back country roads. I never saw the truck pull out in front of me. But I do remember sailing over a stopped Brit as she had swerved to miss it, (I didn’t).

I woke up just as the paramedics were getting there. Brit was kneeling over me screaming for me to wake up.

"What happened?"

"OH TONI! You’re alive." She hugged me tighter then she’s ever done before, and the medics had to pry her off me so they could give me the once over.

The truck I hit was carrying building supplies and ran a stop sign. The owner of the company was pulling up just as the paramedics said I should get looked at in the hospital. Brit insisted I do, since she didn’t want me passing out during the wedding tomorrow. She had already called our parents who were just pulling up in my truck as they helped me to my feet. I looked over at the twisted pile of metal that used to be my bike and started to cry. Our dad’s loaded the bikes, or at least Brit’s bike and what was left of mine, into my truck as Brit and I rode away in the ambulance.

They ran a battery of tests on me at the hospital and determined that I only had a mild concussion, and could go home. I thanked the doctor and went to find Brit and our folks in the waiting room.

"Ok, let’s go."

"Wait a minute. What did the doctor say dear?"

"That I had a concussion, and shouldn’t ride for about a week."

She hugged me and we left the hospital, just as the police showed up.

"Toni Trepasso?"

I raised my hand and of course dad always being a smart ass did the same. The cop looked at us and asked which one of us hit a truck on a motorcycle today?

"That would be me." I told him.

"Ok miss, what do you remember?"

"I remember riding along following my fiancé, and the next thing I know, I’m flying thru the air over the top of her. Then everything went black."

"Were you wearing a helmet?"

I just held up what was left of the brain bucket. What once was a beautiful green helmet with a nice airbrushed mural on it, was now a broken, and badly scratched mess.

"Ok miss, the driver claims full responsibility, and the owner has agreed to pay for any damages to your motorcycle and personal effects."

I laughed. "The bike, that I built myself is toast, the helmet was a gift from my mom, and the leathers were from my step dad. How does he plan on paying for the memories?"

"You’ll have to take that up with him miss. Here’s his card."

I took the card and turned pale white. The card was from MY company. I had hit one of OUR trucks, and the man who the officer spoke to was going to be at my wedding tomorrow. Could this get any worse?

We went home and I got to bed early. I was bushed from the day I had, so I just took a hot bath, and turned in, in one of the guest rooms. (That whole thing about not seeing the bride before the ceremony) I made sure I was out the door early before Brit was up. Not hard to do since she went out with some of the girls for a bachelorette party. I drove to the grove where we were going to have the wedding and started to get ready, by doing my hair. This was something I hadn’t done yet. I’ve been a woman for a little over a year and this was the first time my hair was going to be anything but it’s normal straight or in a ponytail. My stylist showed up right on time and she did wonders. I told her I didn’t want to cut it, since I liked the long look. So she put it in a reverse french braid as she called it. Then she added beads to the front and top, and curled my bangs a bit. It all took about an hour, and I must say it looked good. She left and went to do Brit’s hair, who had just arrived. This gave me a chance to do my makeup and nails just right. I made sure everything was dry before I put on the dress. Britt and I thought it would be fun to get matching dresses, and shoes.

As the time drew near, my maid of honor Jamie came in to see how I was doing. She looked stunning in her green evening dress. I’d never seen Jamie in anything other then jeans and sweatshirts before today, so to see her done up like this was nice. (My maid of honor would ware green while Brit’s wore Red, since green was our house color for the sorority, and theirs was red.) I finished getting ready with Jamie helping me put on the garter and my 2 inch heels. (Brit would be in 4 inch ones to help make us look closer in height)

My dad showed up to help me put my vale on and we walked out of the room just as Brit and her dad came out. We had decided we would both walk down the isle together with our dad’s to "Here Comes the Bride." The organist started and all eyes were on us as we made our way thru the throng of family and friends who had gathered, to stand in front of one of my brothers, Bean’s mom, Janet who I found out after we got engaged was an ordained minister and she was looking to do a same sex wedding as a form of protest. We exchanged vows and rings. I’ll never forget the look on her face, when he got to the part, ‘I now pronounce you...’, she wasn’t sure what to say. I just couldn’t help myself and started laughing. That got Brit laughing and then the rest of the party joined in. We just shook our heads and kissed our first kiss as a married couple.

As we rode to the reception hall in the horse drawn carriage that the girls in our sororities had gotten for us, Brit started to cry.

"I thought I lost you yesterday." I just pulled her tight and wiped her tears.

"It’ll take more then that to kill me. Think about all that I’ve been thru hun. I’ve been hit by race cars, thrown down mountains, landed in toxic waste, chased on my motorcycle by a deranged lunatic, and you think that a little fall will be the end of me." I tickled her to get her to laugh.

"Hey! Come in Toni, I’m serious."

"I know hun, I’ll be more careful from now on, I promise."

She and I just hugged and enjoyed the rest of the ride to the party. I couldn’t help but think that she was right. I did need to be more careful now. I had a wife to look after.

The reception was beautiful. Our mom’s had hired the caterers, and we had a great sit down dinner. Somehow, Brit had talked Chameleon, one of the founders of my old Fraternity, to play with his band for the entertainment. Right after both daddy, daughter dances, a man I’d never met before came up to me. He introduced himself as George Townsen the owner of the company I worked for and that he wanted to pay for the repairs to my bike.

"That’s awful nice of you, but I doubt it’s salvageable. That was a hard hit yesterday, and I doubt I can save anything but the seat off it."

"I kind of figured that. You tool box is the one with the pictures of Billy Lane’s ‘Mis-Behavin’ bike all over it isn’t it?"

I looked at him confused. "Yes, that’s mine. Why do you ask?"

"Can you please come with me?" he asked as he offered me his hand and lead me out the door. We stepped outside just as a truck and trailer with "Choppers Inc." pulled up, and Billy himself climbed out to shake George’s hand. George introduced me to Billy and I actually got kind of weak in the knees, finally meeting one of my idols after buying every magazine with his bikes in them, and watching every show on TV about him.

"George tells me you had a little run in with one of his trucks yesterday Toni."

"Um, you could say that Mr. Lane." I stammered in response.

"Please call me Billy. Mr. Lane is my father." he laughed as he told me to close my eyes. Which I did, and could feel and hear my heart pounding as I heard the trailer door open. I heard what sounded like ratchet straps being undone, and the distinct sound of rubber rolling across a linoleum floor, (most trailers for carrying motor vehicles have this.)

"Ok, you can open your eyes now." George told me.

I opened my eyes and had to pinch myself to make sure it was real. I was actually standing in front of Billy Lane and "Mis-Behavin" together, in the flesh and steel.

"I know it’s not the same bike you spent years building, but I hope you’ll accept this as a small token of an apology."

I just looked at George and it took a few moments to realize he was giving me the bike I’d lusted after since I first saw it in the magazines.

"You mean she’s mine? George, I can’t. This is too much. I mean, my bike couldn’t hold a candle to this beauty."

"No, I’ve seen the pictures, and you had a beauty yourself."

"George is right Toni, he sent me the pictures last night, and I must say, I’m impressed. I can’t think of someone I’d rather have ride this bike. Well, other than myself of course."

I just blushed and thanked them both. We all went back into the reception and Brit cornered me as I came back in. She had seen Billy in my magazines and knew who he was, so I introduced my wife to the bike building god, and to the man who’s name is on my pay checks. She shook both their hands and asked me where I had gotten off to. We all went back outside and showed her my new "toy".

"Hell if I knew this was available for the one who hit your truck, I’d have never swerved when I saw it George." she laughed to them, as I just nudged her in the ribs. We all went back in and celebrated with our family and friends, both old and new.

As the party died down, we told Billy where we lived and he agreed to drop the bike off there. Later that night as we both sat in the hot tub and relaxed, I had to ask Brit, who told George about my tool box covered in Billy’s work? She of course got that shit eating grin she always gets when she tries to keep a secret but can’t. I just hugged her and we went to bed for the first night as a married couple.

I woke up the next morning with Brit’s arm draped over me like it usually is when she sleeps next to me. We didn’t have anything to do, so I just rolled slightly to face her and snuggled with her, pulling her gently toward me tighter as not to wake her. She looks like an angle when she’s asleep, but I know she can get wild when she wants to. I just closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep, thinking about how lucky I am to have her in my life.

The sun was steaming thru the window as I woke up to an unfamiliar sensation in my crotch. I opened my eyes and realized Brit wasn’t in my arms anymore, and I was on my back. I looked down and saw her between my legs thrusting her crotch into mine. She had a series of straps around her waist, and crotch, then I saw her pull out of me, as she smiled. She was using a strap on dildo on me.

"What the hell???" I asked her confused as all hell.

"What? This? Well EVERY married couple has sex on their honeymoon. "

"Britt? Where did you get that thing? OH MY GOD! IT’S HUGE!"

I just laid there in shock as she held the faux penis with one hand. It was nearly as thick as her wrist, and looked about a foot long. I was dumbfounded that she actually had that monster in me. What I found more disturbing was I did actually like it, A LOT.

"I bought this for a wedding gift for us. I have another one if you want to use one on me later. I can show you how to use it."

"I used to have one hun, I think I know how to use a cock."

"No you dork, the straps. Your old one never needed straps before."

"Oh. Um, I have to ask, why did you get one so big? I mean, that thing is a monster."

"What? Afraid of a little cock?"

"A little one, no. THAT beast, yes."

She just laughed at me and pushed it back into my vagina. To say I felt full would be an understatement. I felt like she was trying to shove a telephone pole into me. She went slow, only giving me a little at a time, only going deeper as she felt me relax to what I had. I just watched as more and more of the monster she was using went into me, until our hips met, and I felt the thick head brush my cervix. I winced with pain as she leaned into me.

"OUCH! What the fuck Brit? That hurts! I think it just hit something. Careful with that thing, you know I’ve never done this before. Did you have to get one so big? Don’t they make any smaller then that?"

"Sorry hun, I just thought that if it was going to be your first time, why fuck around with a dinky dink."

"Well we should go shopping later for a smaller one. This one hurts. I think you’re hitting my hip bone."

"No, it’s probably your cervix. I’ll be careful. I just want to make you cum before we start the day."

"You could have just licked me like you usually do. You know THAT always gets me off."

"Yeah, but this way, you have ammo to use on me after."

She pulled out and put her hand around the base of the dildo. She told me this way she could make sure it didn’t go too deep. She started to thrust into me and I could feel the fire building in my crotch, and spreading throughout my body. She saw I was starting to get into it and picked up her pace. She went faster and faster as I put my legs over her shoulders. I started to pull my nipple rings and scream. She started to double pump me as my body went rigid, and with one final scream of pleasure I went limp on the bed. I was usually happy with one climax, but she kept up her thrusting forcing me thru 5 more before she let me catch my breath.

"What the fuck was that all about Britt?" I panted.

"Well I thought it was time to show you what a multiple orgasm felt like."

"Holy shit. I couldn’t breath during that last one. I guess 4 is my limit, or are you trying to cash in on my life insurance?"

She pulled out quickly, causing me to wince in a mix of pleasure, pain and the sudden feeling of emptiness. She undid her straps and climbed next to me, snuggling in my arms and kissing my cheek.

"When you get your strength back, it’s my turn."

We spent the rest of the day playing with the new toys she bought for us to use in the bedroom. The only break we took was to eat the pizza we had delivered, and the occasional potty break. He both passed out around midnight. Both of us exhausted, and sexually satisfied.

My cell phone woke me up the next morning, and it took a couple rings for me to find it.

"Hello?"

"Um, I’m looking for a Toni?" the woman on the other end asked, sounding not sure what to do.

"The male one or the female one?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want me, or my father?"

"Um, I think it was your father I spoke to, to get this number, so I guess it’s you miss."

"Ok, you got me, so what can I do for you?"

"Ok, um..... this is Jessica Zimkin. I got your dad’s number from Kahline Verville."

"How is Kahline doing these days?"

"She’s doing well. It seems she’s getting ready to step out of the car and put some kid from Arizona in."

"You must mean Brendan. Yeah, good kid. Father’s an asshole, but the kid has a good head on his shoulders. So what can I do for you Jessica?"

"Um, Kahline and I met at the World of Outlaw’s race at Manzanita, in Phoenix. I told her I wanted to find a good mechanic from Central New York, I’m from Cato myself and believe in keeping it local. So she told me about Pat Trepasso, and gave me the number she had for him. I guess that would be your dad too?"

I didn’t know how I should approach this. I could just tell her about the accident, or I could just make something up, and hope she goes away. The truth is always the best policy. Then it dawned on me who she might be.

"Are you the same Jessica Zimkin that joined Pi Nu at Alfred this past spring?

"Um... yeah?"

"You know my wife then. Britt Stephens."

"Oh my god! You’re the Toni she was talking about? Wait a minute, didn’t you used to be a guy?"

"Yes. I used to be the guy you are looking for." to which I was met with dead silence on the other end. "Jessica? Are you still there?"

"You’re the guy who got into that toxic waste over at the "U" right?"

"Yes. So what can I do for you?"

"Well, you... er... that is to say Pat... came highly recommended by Kahline."

"I’m still the same brain I was when I was with her, and I still turn wrenches for a living Jessica. So what is it you want to ask?"

"I’m looking for a mechanic that can take me to the next level, and I know you have Cup experience. I want you to come work for my team for the remaining Outlaw season."

"Wow, I’m honored, but I’ll have to talk this over with my wife and see what she says."

"Is Bunny there right now?"

"Honey, wake up. Jessica Zimkin is on the phone." I shook Brit and handed her the phone, as I got up to pee. I came back just as Brit was ending the call and telling Jessica I’d call her later.

"She really wants you as her mechanic bad dear."

"Yeah, but I’m not sure how I’d like working for my wife’s ex, and I can’t throw away what I have with this company. I mean, they are giving us both full health, dental, and eye coverage. Plus the pay is great, and who can pass on 15 days off a month?"

"You didn’t hear what Jessica and her dad are offering."

"Oh? What did she say?"

"$60000 for the rest of the year, and you can re-negotiate, at the end of the season. Plus they’ll pay all the travel, and food on the road. They’ll give you a car to use while you’re with them, and you get to call all the shots with the car."

I just looked at her for a moment, trying to take all this in. I could tell she was excited for me to do this, but I was still uneasy about making such a big change. I know we don’t need the money, but I like working at the mill. Who am I kidding I really miss the track more then anything besides when I’m away from Brit.

"What about you hun? Did she say what I should do about you? I mean, come on Brit. The Outlaws run 200 races a season, plus there’s the Nationals and the winter Australia Tour. I can’t be away from you for that long."

"She said I can go with you. So you and I will be living and working together just like we would be if I joined you at the mill in the engineering department."

I looked into her eyes and could tell she was excited about seeing the country and I knew she was a race fan already. So I hugged her and asked her to call Jessica back and tell her she has her girls, then I called Kahline.

"Hello?"

"Kahline, so nice to talk to you again."

"Who is this."

"Um, you got a couple minutes?"

"Quit playing around. Did Alan (her husband) put you up to this?"

"You knew me as Pat Trepasso. I now go by Toni."

I told her about the accident and how I had changed. She didn’t believe me, so it told her about the time I helped her clean her shop and as we were pulling the motor mounts off one of her engines I found that all 6 mounting bosses on the block were broke. She finally believed me since she’d never even told Alan about that incident. I told her about the call from Jessica and how she’d offered me a job. She asked me if I was going to be at the Nationals in Iowa, and I told her that was going to be the first race with Jessica’s team. (Talk about trial by fire.) I asked her how things were going with Brendan and if Breck was still and asshole. She told me that Melissa left, and took the kids. She then told me that they had moved in to her house and that next season Brendan would be racing her car around Arizona to get the seat time and then the next year they were going to try to run with the "Outlaws."

"That’s cool. We’ll have to get together at the Nationals. I’d love to see Melissa and the kids again."

"I’m sure we can set something up. I’ll see you in the pits, and they’ll be with us for that race, so just stop by."

"Ok, I will. Oh, and thanks for setting me up with this deal."

"It’s all good. You’re a good mechanic, and who knows, maybe I’ll hire you away when we start racing Brendan. He always got along good with you."

"We’ll see. I’ll let you go. See you in Iowa."

Our plane landed in Iowa and we were met at the baggage claim area by Jessica and an older man she introduced as Tom, her dad. Tom shook my hand as Jess and Brit hugged. We collected our bags and followed them out to the SUV they had rented for us. We made small talk as we drove to the hotel.

"You look nothing like the picture Kahline showed me Toni."

"Yeah, I get that a lot. When we get to the hotel I can show you the photo’s from the hospital right after the accident. So what do we have planned for the rest of the day? You mentioned something about sponsors yesterday?"

"Oh yeah, we just signed with Gillette for their ‘Lady Gillette" brand, and they want to meet my new crew chief. I hope you have something nice for dinner tonight."

"Um, not really. I was expecting to just go to the track and work on the car. How formal do I need for tonight? We should have time to hit a mall right?"

"Sure. Just business casual. Nothing formal. I’m wearing a skirt suit I have, if that helps."

"Ok, then we’ll just pick something up quick and go back to the hotel and freshen up a bit. ok?"

We pulled into the mall and did what Brit calls ‘Commando Shopping’, where you get in, get exactly what you need, and then get the hell out of there before you start to look for things you don’t. We drove to the hotel, and unpacked for our week long stay for the upcoming ‘Nationals.’ I showed Jess and her dad the photo book from the hospital and they just looked awe struck at all I’ve been thru. I told them that I am still the same person on the inside, just with different packaging on the out. Brit took this time to comment that she liked the knew body work better then the old design. (Can’t blame her for trying to get into the automotive theme, right?)

We women met the sponsors for dinner, Tom had to go see the engine builder about some new tricks for the upcoming weekend. We ladies were dressed like three mafia hit-women. All three of us had on pin striped suit jackets and matching skirts. Erica, the lady from Gillette couldn’t believe I had the experience I had in racing, so I just told her that I’ve been at this game since I was just 4 years old. I wasn’t that good a driver but I knew how to make a car go fast, so I became a mechanic. (I didn’t bother to tell her about the accident or that I’d won a couple track championships as a driver before I started to work for some professional teams.) She told us that she wanted to sign Jessica to a 5 year deal, and that they wanted to try to do something with the ‘young guns’ campaign they were using in NASCAR. We all agreed that this was a big opportunity for both their company and Jessica. We had made arraignments for Erica and a couple of the other exec’s from Gillette to watch the Nationals from the top of the hauler. She shook our hands and told us she’d see us at the track the next day for the press conference.

Media day at the Nationals is like a 3 ring circus. Photographers and reporters everywhere you look. Before the press conference Erica has set up I had a chance to find Kahline. She was in her hauler and watching a movie with Melissa, Brendan, and his sister Braden. I knocked on the door and she just looked at me for a moment before realizing who I was.

"Pat?"

"It’s Toni now, but yes, it’s me."

She hugged me and brought me into the lounge. Melissa introduced herself and I just started to laugh, and ask her how Buddy, Dotty, and Pugsly, (their dogs) were doing. She looked at Kahline and gave her the "WTF" look. Kahline asked her why she didn’t recognize me, then told her who I was.

"Pat?"

"I go by Toni now, but yeah, it’s me."

Braiden was the first to speak, saying there was no way I was the same burly guy who used to let her do dives off my shoulders in their pool. So I pulled out my now well traveled photo book from the hospital, and handed it to Melissa. I told her that some of the photos might not be suitable for the kids. She and Kahline looked thru the book and just kept looking at the photos then back at me, then back at the photo’s. When they finally finished the book she told Braden that I was in fact the same person who had stayed at their house while I worked on Brendan’s race cars. Then Brendan who’d been just staring at me, finally spoke up.

"There is no way you’re Pat."

"Ok, then how about this. If you check the engine on that R/C car I sold you, you’ll find a small dab of epoxy on the bottom of the block."

He pulled the car out of his bag, and pulled the motor out then just looked back at me as if to ask how I knew.

"Remember I told you when I sold it to you that there was a hole in the block, and that if the epoxy didn’t hold to have Alan weld the hole shut?"

He just looked at me and finally it sank in that I wasn’t screwing with him. Then he started looking at me like I would have looked at me if I were a 15 year old boy.

"Cut that out young man, I’m a married woman."

I passed around a photo of Brit and my wedding. We all just talked and caught up on what’s been going on since I’d left. I told Melissa I was sorry to hear she and Breck broke up, and that if she needed anything to let me know. I looked at the clock and saw I had to get to the press conference, and asked them to come with me. So we all made our way to the press tent.

We met Erin for the press conference, and they announced that Jessica was the new face of Gillette. She then pointed out that I was her new crew chief, noting that I had spent some time in the Cup, and in other forms of racing. That was when all hell broke loose. There were flash bulbs going off everywhere. It seems that everyone wanted to be the first to interview the first woman driver, and crew chief combo in motorsports history. We just pushed our way thru the crowd to the waiting hauler in the infield, and tried to catch our breath, as Jessica and I sat down over a soda.

"Can you believe all that Toni?"

"I thought it would be bad, but I never thought we’d get swamped like this. Damn! Everyone wants to talk to us now. We need to get your mind right for the race though. You have a qualifying heat tonight, and I want to get you into Saturday’s show tonight. None of this farting around with having to run Thursday and Friday, just wearing out equipment. Let me go see if I can find someone who will give us a fare shake on this."

She just nodded as I went back out to the sea of reporters trying to all talk to me at once. I looked at a young woman in the crowd and realized she was Leila from back home. I motioned for her to follow me, and I lead her into the lounge where Jess, and Brit had started playing video games.

"Leila, I promised you the first crack at a story if I ever did anything note worthy, well this is your shot. I know you’ll tell it like it is. You know Jessica, and Tom, her dad. This is my wife Brittany."

The look on her face was classic. I guess she hasn’t met too many same sex couples before but she seemed cool about it. She pulled out her note pad and started firing questions at us all. She wanted to know where Jess, and Tom had found me? Where I was from? How long had I been in racing? Was it true I used to work in the Cup? What plans we had for the future? The she got a bit personal. How Brit and I met? How long had we been married? I let Brit answer those, since I was not being sure what she was comfortable talking about. She then started asking about my change. I told her I’d rather not talk about that at this time, but I’d call her when I was ready. We talked with Leila for over an hour. Then Tom told me we’d better get the car ready for qualifying. I called the office and asked if they could send security down to clear the crowd so we could do our job with the car, and they sent down half the Knoxville Police to help us.

Before we unloaded the car, Tom and I took a lap in the utility cart they used to push the car around the pits with. The one thing I noticed was all the standing water on the track, and I remembered watching on the weather channel that the area had gotten a lot of rain leading up to the race. When we unloaded the car I asked Tom what shocks and springs were in the car, and where they last ran. I decided to put a stiffer right rear spring on the car to loosen it up, as well as other changes to help with the sticky track we had to work with tonight, (gotta love dirt racing.)

Jessica was starting on the outside of the front row for her heat race, via a pill draw earlier in the day. We had some real heavy hitters in our heat. The series point leader, the defending race champ, and the all time leader in wins for the series, as well as 2 Cup drivers that were making one race starts for the Nationals. I just told Jess to drive her race, and forget who was on the track with her.

When the green flag flew, she shot thru the first turn like a rocket. I had guessed right on the setup and she obviously liked the way it felt. She pulled away from the rest of the field and put a lap on both the Cup drivers before the 10 laps were over. She pulled into the pits and the reporters started to swarm again. Thankfully the cops did their job and we could clean the mud off the car to get it ready for the nights feature race, a 30 lap event with the top 3 qualifying for the 50 lap Nationals on Saturday.

I snuck away and watched as the rest of the heat races ran. My hunch from that lap with Tom was looking to be right. There was so much water in the track, the track was getting stickier as the night wore on. I caught Kahline just before she strapped in for her heat and told her what I’d seen. She made a quick change and ended up winning her heat as well. By virtue of Jess having the quickest heat, and Kahline having the second fastest, they both started on the front row of the 30 lap feature. I had one extra trick up my sleeve, knowing Kahline was more experienced then Jess was. I put a slightly lower gear in the car to help get off the corner better, and it worked.

Jess to an early lead, with Kahline in second, but a couple lengths back, and losing ground little by little every lap. I was amazed that the race went all 30 laps without a caution, (not a usual occurrence for a dirt race, let alone a qualifying race for the Nationals.) Jess ended up lapping the whole field, except Kahline, who finished second, a half a lap back. It made me feel good to know that the two women who helped me get here, were both safely in the show for Saturday night.

The next couple days were a blur as we did interviews and photo shoots for the sponsor and track. When the race finally came around Saturday night, I was happy it was almost over. The track looked just like it did Wednesday, and I set up the car with what I thought would work well over the next 50 laps. I told Jess that if the track starts to dry out to just raise her wing and it would be ok.

They did the traditional 4 wide parade lap with Jess and Kahline right next to each other. I was a nervous wreck. I always am when I work on someone else’s car. I know if I drive I can have a say in what happens up until the checkered flag falls. But when I work on someone else’s car, it’s out of my hands as soon as they get in that car. I’d know in 50 short laps if I’d guessed right with the setup for tonight.

The pace car pulled off and the green came out with the ground shaking as 30 cars with 900 horsepower each roared to full song. My girls put some good distance on the rest of the field when the first caution came out 5 laps in. Someone had been too excited and spun out causing a pile up that took out half the field. They got the race back underway, and again Jess and Kahline put a sizeable lead on the rest of the field. They quickly got into lap traffic and started picking them off one at a time. I was watching Kahline and it looked as if she was either toying with Jessica, or just couldn’t pass her without hitting her and possibly taking them both out of the race. As the laps wound down they had lapped the entire field together, so as long as they didn’t crash it would be the first all woman 1, 2 finish in sprint car history. Kahline made one last run as they came to the checkered flag, and Jess just held her off. If I’d thought it was a media circus before, was I in for a shock. With Jessica becoming the first woman to win the Nationals, and me the first female crew chief to win the nationals, we were sure to be in for a lot of people wanting face time.

They interviewed Kahline and she told the reporter from ‘SPEED’ that the worst mistake she ever made was letting me go as her mechanic. I just smiled at her and the reporter turned to me, asking if it was true.

"Yeah, I used to work for that old broad... " I just laughed. "No seriously, I loved working with Kahline, she taught me everything I know about sprint cars, and I wouldn’t be here today without her help. Hell, she’s the one who hooked Jess and I up."

The reporter asked Jess if it was true and she explained how she met Kahline in Phoenix, and was given my name. She then thanked Kahline for hooking us up together, then the obligatory sponsor plugs. We stayed for some more pictures and then went back to load up the trailer, when a man I’d seen somewhere before came up to us and started to talk to Jessica. I helped Tom finish strapping the car down, as it dawned on me the man Jess was talking to was Richard Childress, the NASCAR team owner.

"Was that who I think it was Jess?"

"If you mean Richard Childress, then yes it was Toni."

"What did he want?"

"He wants to offer me a test with his Busch team." she giggled as she tried to remain calm about it all.

"Congratulations, I’m sure you’ll do fine as a stock car driver. I mean, hell if Jeff, Tony, and Kasey can do it, why not you?"

"You sound as if this is all over for us Toni?"

"Well you won’t need me around once you make it to that level."

"You don’t get it. THIS is the reason I hired you as my crew chief. YOU’VE been there. You’ve been in NASCAR. You know how it works. You’re not going anywhere. I won my first Nationals because of you, and I’ll win my first Cup because of you too."

I didn’t know what to say. She wanted me to stay with her for the whole ride, and I was ready to see how the better half lived since I’ve worked for the smaller shops before. Now I’d get to see how a real NASCAR team does it.

We showed up at Irwindale speedway in southern California for Jess’ test. They had already fit the seat and placed the peddles right for her in the car. I started to get a bit nervous when Kevin Harvick showed up. They were going to do some follow and chase once she got used to the heavier car. Everyone was a bit surprised at how quickly she adapted to the much heavier stock car, but I reminded Kevin that she cut her racing teeth back home racing big block modified’s before climbing into sprint cars. We brought her in for some fresh tires and to tell her what was going to happen. She was to follow Kevin for 10 laps then he would pull over and then follow her for 10 more. She was right on his bumper from the drop of the flag. She actually bumped and tapped him for the entire ten lap period. When it was her turn to lead, she pulled away from him and kept adding to the distance. You could tell from the attitude of his car that he was driving his ass off to catch her, but just flat out couldn’t. On the other hand she looked like she was out for a Sunday drive. She actually waved to me a couple times. We brought her back in and Kevin bee-lined it for Childress, grinning ear to ear as he spoke to his car owner, pointing to Jess as he did.

Needless to say, she passed her test with flying colors, and after a quick talk with Erin from Gillette, they agreed to sign on with RCR for the remainder of this season and all of next. Jess still had another trick up her sleeve. She told Richard that she’d only drive if I were her crew chief. He surprised me when he didn’t hesitate in saying yes.

We raced the final 8 races on the NASCAR Grand National West tour, and earned enough points to qualify for the All-Star shootout that pits the top drivers from the Busch East and the Grand National West against each other. I had the motor tuned just right for the thin California air, and Jess took fast time, putting her on the pole. However, they do a dice roll to see how many cars get inverted for the start. She rolled a 6 and we were going to go off from the outside of row number 3. I was pacing like a caged tiger when the green flew, but I relaxed when Jess made a nice pass for the lead on lap 20 of 150. A caution came out on lap 80, and I brought her in for some gas and two right side tires. (That’s all they’ll let you change in that series.) We left the pit in third place and she again made quick work of the two cars in front of her. My only heart attack happened when two lap cars spun right as she was trying to pass them. She somehow avoided them and when the green flew again she sailed to an easy win, by almost half a lap over second place. Richard was amped, he told us that he wanted to put us in a couple Busch races to finish the season.

We found success early and often as we won at our first race at Wisconsin. Then backed it up at Phoenix, and Miami. No rookie had ever won their first three starts before and everyone wanted a piece of both of us. Lucky for me I had Brit to keep me grounded, and Jess had her dad. As the season ended we had won 5 times in our first 10 starts and with 3 straight against the best in the Busch series, and that All-Star shoot out win. We were both on cloud 9, until we got word that Richard wanted to see both of us. It’s usually not a good thing when both a driver and a crew chief are called into the owner’s office at the same time.

"... and that’s really how it happened DW."

"Now Toni, there is a lot of talk in the garage, some say you used to be a man, and others say you’re gay. What do you say about these rumors?"

"I say let them talk. Why is it that when a woman is successful in a field that is considered a male dominated one, they immediately start to be a target for the rumor mill? Yes, I am a lesbian, and I love my life partner, but I don’t know where people get off thinking that a person’s sexual orientation should have anything to do with how well they do their job. Let them think what they want. My results speak for themself."

"Thank your for sharing your extraordinary rise to the top of a mostly male industry with us Toni. That all the time we have for this week, join us next week when we’ll talk to The King Richard Petty. I’m DW, saying BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY! LET’S GO RACING!"

I got a call from mom, right after the NASCAR banquet. My dad had another stroke, but this time he was behind the wheel of his car when it happened. He was driving back from his doctors office after a routine check of the kidney transplant he received a few years ago. Everything was looking pretty good. However, he had a massive stroke while driving back home from Syracuse, and plowed head long into a bridge abutment on the highway.

"The police said the witnesses told them he actually accelerated after he slumped over. They think he was already dead when he hit." she told me. I was in shock. How do you respond to your mother telling you that your father just died in a fiery car crash. After all he went thru, getting the kidney transplant, and the doctor not using enough anaesthetic, causing him to feel everything. Then having the first stroke, and recovering enough to live a normal life. Now he dies in a car crash.

"Toni? Are you still there?"

"Yeah mom. I’m still here. I’m on my way home now." I told her as I was wiping the tears away.

"Just be careful honey. It’s snowing pretty bad here right now."

"I’ll be there in the morning mom."

I told her I loved her as I hung up and turned to Brit and Jess with tears streaming down my face. They both knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what, or even how to ask me. So they both just hugged me tight while I tried to regain my composure.

"What did mom want Toni?"

"Dad’s dead, Brit."

She just hugged me tighter and started to cry with me. She knew I loved my dad, even when he wouldn’t talk to me, I still loved him. Brit told me once that I was a lot like him. We both were honest as the day is long, and would never knowingly hurt someone. You always knew where you stood with dad, but he always told you in a way so as to try not to hurt your feelings. I guess I am a lot like him. It makes sense, since he was my idol when I was growing up.

"What happened?" Jess just sat there trying to figure out what else to say.

"He had a stroke when he was driving back from Syracuse. He slammed head long into a bridge abutment, and was pronounced dead at the scene."

"Oh Toni, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Not really, just be there for me as a friend, ok Jess?"

She just hugged me, as we rode in the limo back to the hotel, to get our things, and head to the airport.

When we got off the plane I started to think about all the trips I’d made when I was younger. Always going to job interviews, or races, and how dad was always waiting for me at the baggage claim to pick me up. I was half expecting to see him there this time, hoping it was an evil joke they were playing on me to get me home sooner then Christmas. As we rounded the corner after the escalators, there was mom and Doug waiting for us. Mom just ran to hug me as the tears rolled down her face. We got our bags and they drove us back to their place. I didn’t sleep that night. I hadn’t slept since mom’s call about dad, but that night I just thought of all dad and I did together. All the good times we shared, and how after his transplant he was like the guy I’d remembered from my childhood. Always doing things, and on the go. We’d been to a lot of races together, and many of the Syracuse University football games. The thoughts came fast a furious as all the images came flooding into my mind. I must have passed out at some point, because I woke up with Brit gently shaking me.

"Come on Toni, wake up. We have to get ready for the wake."

"Huh? What time is it?"

"Almost noon, the wake starts at 3, with family visitation at 2."

"Ok. Wow, I guess I needed some sleep."

"Yeah, you’ve been out since around 3am. I figured I’d just let you sleep. You needed it."

"Thanks hun."

I got up, and took a long hot shower. Trying to collect myself for seeing the rest of my family for the first time since my change. My inner voice was arguing with itself again.

Brit knocked on the door and asked if I was alright. I told her I was fine, and I’d be ready shortly. I wore the same suit skirt set I’d worn to meet the sponsors when I’d started with Jessica. It seemed fitting since it was all black, and gave a professional appearance. Mom gave me a black vale to wear, but I told her I’d do that at the funeral. Today was not about morning, it was about celebrating dad’s life.

We pulled up to the funeral home, and the rest of dad’s side of the family was already there. You’d have thought Hitler had pulled up, from the nasty looks I was getting. I know I was never the favorite of the family, but from the way they were acting towards me, you’d have thought I had killed my dad. I just nodded to them as I walked into the parlor where dad was on display. I tried to hold it together, but started balling my eyes out from the moment I looked in the casket. I only wanted to see him one more time, and be able to tell him I loved him. Just then, the funeral director came up behind me and asked me to leave.

"Why?"

"Miss, this is for family only. The public viewing is not until 3."

"This is my father!"

"I was told by his sister that he only had one son who died a couple years ago."

I was furious. Brit noticed this and pulled the funeral director aside to tell him the whole story. She even showed him the photo book from my stay in the hospital. He looked at her, and shook her hand. Then he came over to me.

"Ms. Trepasso, I’m sorry about that. I was only going on what I’d been told."

"I don’t blame you. The family treats me like I’m dead, so I guess this makes sense. Since I’m his only child, do I have a say in who can see him?"

"Yes, that is the policy."

"Ok, then no one out there right now gets to see him."

"Miss, I can’t do that."

"You just told me you could."

"I mean, your aunt and uncle are the ones who reserved this parlor for the wake."

I reached in my purse and pulled out my credit card. "Refund them their money, and put all the charges on this."

He looked at me for a moment then took my card and did as I had asked. You could hear the uproar as he told the family that they weren’t allowed to see my dad. My aunt was outraged and threatened to call the police. He informed her that these were my wishes and that she was going to have to leave. Just as I walked over to stand in the doorway.

"You little slut! Who do you think you are?"

"I don’t think. I KNOW I’m my fathers only child, and YOU aren’t going to see him until you respect me as the same person who used to baby sit your kids, and mowed your lawns, and help you set up your trailers when we’d go camping."

"You aren’t Patrick. He’s dead."

"You’re right. Patrick died when you killed him, and every memory of him from your lives. And just like you killed him, you can just kill the memories of my father."

My cousin Julie came up to me and asked to talk in private. Jules and I were like brother and sister growing up. We were the closest in age of all my cousins and always hung out together all thru school. She was a nurse and knew some of what had happened to me, so she was a bit more open minded then the rest of them.

"Pat... er.... Toni? Is it?" I nodded to her. "Look, we’ve always been close."

"Yeah, we have Jules."

"This isn’t right. My father is your father’s brother, and she’s our aunt." she said pointing to aunt B. (No whistling, and her pies suck.)

"And?" I asked.

"Would your father want this?"

"Probably not, but what else can I do? The funeral director was trying to ask ME to leave. I just wanted them to see what it felt like. I plan on letting them stay, but this shit has to end. HERE, AND NOW."

"Let me handle this"

She went back to the family and told them all that they were being stupid about what had happened to me, and how they were treating the whole situation. She reminded Aunt B, that she was still my god mother, and that I was still the same person on the inside as I’d always been. Julie always had a way of convincing people to see things her way. I always told her she should run for president.

Aunt B came over to me. I could see that Jules’ words had touched her, and she hugged me.

"I’m sorry for being an stubborn old bag, Pat."

"It’s Toni now Aunt B. And we’re still family. There is nothing to forgive. Come on, lets go say good bye to dad." I told her as I hugged her.

We held dad’s funeral a couple days later in the same church he’d grown up going to. Since the ground was frozen and it was the middle of December, we’d have to wait to burry him till spring. I stayed around and tried to get the house in order, packing dad’s things away, and cleaning up almost 40 years of belongings from the place. A lot of it went to the Goodwill, and Salvation Army, I had the family come over and take what they wanted since I’d already done the same myself. The I contacted a relator, and had them put the house on the market. Brit and I went back down to North Carolina to get back to work.

I was going thru an old box of cards dad had saved. I guess I just couldn’t bring myself to throw them out since they were so important to him. While glancing thru them a little picture fell out of one, and I picked it up. It was of my Ex, Sarah holding a small child and on the back were the words, "First Christmas." I thought it kind of strange for dad to hold on to it all these years but Brit informed me that we needed to get to the shop soon, so I put it back in the box and tried to think about what needed to be done for Daytona.

We were having a pit crew practice when our catch can man showed up on crutches. He said he was skiing, and broke his leg in 3 places. We were in trouble now. The season was fast approaching and we needed someone fast.

"I can do it." came a voice behind me. I turned to see who it was.

"Brit? You want to go over the wall?"

"Why not? You did it?"

"Yeah, and I also got hit by my share of cars along the way too."

"But I’ll be at the back of the car not running around the front like you used to."

She had a point, and she had been filling in during practice when our regular guy couldn’t get off work. I talked to Richard about it and he agreed to have her do it. So it was set, and now all that was left was get the cars ready for Daytona.

We unloaded and were the car to beat right out of the box. The guys in the body shop gave us just what we needed for the cool February Florida weather. We didn’t take the pole in qualifying, but we did get the other front row spot. We’d be starting next to our teammate Jeff, in the 31. We both raced well in the 150 lap qualifying races that set the rest of the field. Jess kept the car out of trouble and showed she could race well in the pack. On the day of the race I saw on Brit’s face she was nervous, so I tried to calm her a bit before we left for the track.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"God Toni, I don’t know if I’m ready for this."

"You’ll be fine, you’ve done it thousands of times in practice."

"I just wish I had your confidence. You look like a woman who’s calm and cool when you’re sitting on top of that pit box."

I laughed. "If you only knew. I’m usually so nervous during a race that I almost pass out from the stress. Look, you’ll do fine today. Trust me."

She smiled and we headed to the track. The race was going well, with all 4 cars on our team in a break away pack from the rest of the cars. We all ducked on to pit road for a green flag stop. I’d talked to all the other team crew chief and we all were going with 4 tires and pack it full of gas. A few guys from the chase pack came in for their stops. Apparently they were going to try to tack on to our group and see what happened later in the race. Our stop was going well. Brit hit her marks just like the rest of the team did, and they were dumping the second can of fuel in just as all hell broke loose.

I heard over my radio that I had set to the broadcast coverage that there was trouble coming out of turn 4. I looked up just in time to see cars scattering with smoke and the sound of screeching rubber. Some of the cars had shot down pit road to try to avoid the crash, but a couple of them tangled as they tried to do this. I looked up in time to see one car slam into the back of ours, knocking it off the jack, and pinning one of the tire changers under the car. I looked around to assess the casualties, but couldn’t find Brit.

The rescue team got to us and they lifted the cars apar with a couple tow trucks. Under the rubble was a limp lifeless body in a fire suit, holding the remnants of a catch can. I tried to see if she was alright, but the officials and rescue workers held me back. All I could do was watch as they pulled off her helmet and check for her pulse. I could see from the looks on the faces of the workers that it wasn’t good. They didn’t even bother putting her on a stretcher as they loaded her in the ambulance. Richard had one of the guys drive me to the hospital, as we followed the ambulance in my car.

I sat in the waiting room a nervous wreck. Brit was my everything. She is the main reason I’ve kept as sane as I am over the past few years. I just couldn’t think about life if she were gone. A doctor came out and pulled me into a private room. He told me she was dead. For what it’s worth, he told me, she died at the moment of impact, having been crushed between two cars, with one stopped and the other going over 100 mph.

I wish I could remember more about that day. I kind of went numb from the shock of losing my soul mate. I know I left the team in the days following the crash, and that Jessica helped me get thru as much as she could. She was always around when she didn’t need to be at the track, and we’d just sit there talking.

I just kind of fell into a funk, not wanting to leave the house, or do anything. People would call and I’d let the machine get it. People would stop by and I’d just not answer the door. Then one cold November day, as I came out of the bathroom, Jessica was standing there.

"You look like shit."

"You know Jess, you’re not the first person to ever tell me that. How did you get in here?"

"You gave me a key a while back, remember? How have you been holding up?"

"I live."

"You call this living? When was the last time you left this house?"

"Um, last week, I had to go to the store for milk."

"This isn’t healthy. Besides, what would Brit say if she saw you this way."

I started to cry. "I miss her Jess. It’s my fault she’s dead."

"You didn’t kill her. It was an accident."

"I might just as well have. I never should have put her on the crew."

"You know as well as I do that if she hadn’t joined our team, she’d have pestered Jimmy, Buzzy, or Greg to get on theirs. She was a lot like you are. Strong willed and thick headed sometimes. Have you even seen the footage of what happened?"

"No, I just can’t bare to watch it."

"You need to see it. Trust me."

She put the DVD in the player and brought up the part of the race when it happened. The rear tire changer was coming around the car just as the accident happened. I saw Brit look over her shoulder, and then shove the tire changer out of the way. She had saved his life, as she gave up her own. I was floored. My late wife, who I’d been morning all these months was a heroine. She had saved the father of 3 from being crushed by the car careening toward them.

"I didn’t know."

"Neither did I till my dad showed me the footage. NASCAR wants to re-name the sportsmanship award, the Brittany Stephens-Trepasso Memorial Sportsmanship Award."

"Wow, so they want to honor her that way?"

"Mike Hilton said she gave the ultimate sacrifice to save a fellow competitor. They want you to present the award next week at the banquet."

"I don’t know Jess. I haven’t done anything since Brit died, and I don’t know if I could hold it together long enough to make a speech."

She placed a hand on my shoulder. "Girl, if anyone could pull it off, you can. I’ll even help you."

"Alright, what’s first?"

"Your hair. When was the last time you had it cut or styled?"

"Um, before last years banquet."

She told me to get dressed and took me to a little salon near my home. She had the girls give me the full treatment. I’ve never had a full salon experience before. The facial, pedicure and manicure. They had to put acrylic nails on since I’d been biting mine for the past few months. I had to admit it felt good to get out and be pampered for once.

"Wow, you look good girl."

"Thanks Jess, I needed this."

"Come on, we have to go shopping. You need a new dress for the banquet."

So we went to a little shop Jess knew of near the shop, that a wife of a driver started so the wives and girlfriends of the drivers would have the latest fashions to wear for special occasions. I tried on a few, but a nice business style black number spoke to me when I tried it on. I ended up with that one and a nice pair of shoes to go with it.

"So I’ll see you in New York?"

"I’ll pick you up in the morning at 7am Toni. We have a 10 am flight."

"You already booked my ticket? You didn’t even know if I’d say yes to this whole thing."

"In the three years I’ve known you, I had a hunch you’d say yes to this. I’ll see you in the morning."

I hugged her, and she drove off back to her place to finish packing. I got busy doing the same, since I’d be in the city for a whole week. I packed a bag of casual things, to just bum around in, and then put my suit skirt and the new dress in my garment bag. I went to bed that night and woke up with a start at a bright light in my room.

"Who’s there?"

"Just me hun."

"Brit? Oh wow, I just had the wildest dream. It really scared me. You had been killed at a race."

"Um, it wasn’t a dream Toni. I am dead. I just wanted to thank you for doing this. I’m glad you are presenting the award named for me." I started shaking as her words sunk in and I realized I was talking to a ghost.

"This isn’t funny Brit. This has to be a dream. Either you’re dead, and I’m hallucinating, or you’re alive and messing with my head. What did I have to drink last night? My head is starting to hurt."

"You had a cola, and a glass of water before bed. I’m not messing with you. This isn’t a dream, and I really am dead. I know this is hard for you to comprehend, but I just wanted to see you, and tell you that I’m glad you have a reason to stop mourning. I’ve been able to move on from limbo now, and I’m finally at peace knowing you can start to move on with your life."

"Brit, I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never forget what you mean to me."

"I know, but there are ways to do that without feeling sorrow. Remember the good times, and all the fun we had. Use that as a tool to move on and be happy with the rest of your life. You have a lot left to do before your time is up hun. And I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get here."

"How do you know all this?"

"You’ll just have to trust me. You have a lot more in store for you then you’ve ever dreamed possible. One more thing before I go. Jess really likes you a lot. She is the key to the rest of your life."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You’ll know when it’s time. I have to go. Remember, I love you."

"I love you too Brit."

And just like that she was gone. The room was dark again and it was still the middle of the night. I tried to get some sleep, but my mind kept racing about what Brit said.

My alarm went off and I quickly got dressed and ready for the airport. Jess showed up a little before 7am, and we got my things in her car, then headed off from my home in Conover, (just outside Hickory) to Charlotte to catch our flight. I dozed off on the two hour jaunt from Charlotte to JFK. I woke up just as they made the announcement for final descent. I looked over and Jess was snuggled against my arm, holding on to me like a teddy bear. I woke her up.

"Jess, come on wake up. We’re almost in New York. We need to get our seatbelts on."

"Huh? Ok, I’m awake. I had a nice dream Toni. I’ll have to tell you about it sometime."

"Ok, by the way, which hotel did you say we were staying at?"

"The Four Seasons"

"Nice. How can you afford that? What, did you have a good season or something?"

"You didn’t follow the tour did you? I won my second cup."

"Congratulations." I hugged her as we started to land at JFK.

We got our bags and the rental car then headed off for the hotel. Jess told me that we were going to be sharing a room. I told her it was fine with me.

"It’ll be like when we were running with the Grand National West guys. Remember those dives we used to stay in?"

"Yeah, how can I forget that time in Phoenix Jess?"

"Oh yeah, I wonder if that guy at the hotel bar ever got his nuts out of his throat?"

We both laughed as I started think back to that race in Phoenix when we had a problem with some local red necks at the hotel bar. This one guy saw Brit and I kissing and he started making drunk comments about the "fag girls." I got up to have words with him and he ripped my shirt at the chest, exposing my breasts to the whole bar. I just reeled back and kicked him as hard as I could in the balls with the toe of my steel toe boots. He fell like a sack of wet mush to the floor and we just left him there, holding his crotch and gasping for breath. Brit suggested that his nuts must be in his throat by now.

We started to unpack in our room. We spent the rest of the day just relaxing and playing video games. It started to feel like the old days when we’d get rained out at a track and spend the day just playing games at the hotel to pass the time.

Jess told me that we had to meet Richard for dinner that night, so I put my suit skirt on and we went to meet my old boss. Richard hugged me and complimented me on how good I looked.

"Well I haven’t really done much over the past few months."

"Look, I’m sorry about what happened at Daytona. If there is anything I can do, just let me know."

"Thanks Richard. I’m doing better now, and Brit’s in a better place. I’ll always love her, but I know my time isn’t up just yet."

We sat down and they caught me up on what I’d missed over the past season. They told me that Jess was going to be leaving for CHIP GANASSI RACING for the next season, and as if on cue, Chip showed up and sat with us.

"Toni, good to see you again. I’m really sorry about what happened at Daytona. All the guys in the garage thought of you and Brit as the little sisters we never had. Where have you been hiding?"

"I’ve just been home. I kind of fell into a funk after it all happened. Jess finally got me out and back into society again."

"Well good to have you back with us. Let’s eat."

We had a nice meal, with some light hearted conversation about nothing in particular. When we finished eating, Richard excused himself and left for the night. He said he’d see us tomorrow at the banquet. Chip looked at me and asked me if Jess had told me the news.

"Yes, she just told me before you showed up that she’ll be driving for you next season."

He looked at Jess. "You didn’t tell her the rest of it?"

I just looked at them both. "The rest of what?"

"Jess is going to drive for me at INDY next season."

"She’s WHAT?" I turned to Jessica. "You’re WHAT?"

"I’m going to take my two Cups and move to the IRL."

I was dumbfounded. Usually it happens the other way. Drivers usually leave other series like the IRL, (Indy Racing League) and come to NASCAR. Hell, Juan left Formula 1 to come here. This is something you don’t normally see in the world of racing. I was just sitting there trying to take it all in.

"I want you to come with her Toni. I want you to be Jess’ crew chief at INDY."

"Wow Chip I’m honored, but I know nothing about those fragile toys you guys call race cars."

"It’s the same basic stuff really. Just make the car go fast, and handle. It’s the same things. 4 tires, 4 shocks, and 4 springs."

"And three wings." I interjected.

"It’s not that bad. Tell you what, how about you come to the test at Homestead and try it out."

I thought it over for a second. "Ok, just to see what it’s like."

We shook and Chip paid the check. Jess and I went back to the hotel and relaxed in front of the TV.

"You could have warned me."

"What?"

"I said you could have warned me about all that."

"Oh, come on. When have you ever backed down from a challenge."

"That’s not the point. I don’t know if I can force myself to get back on top of a pit box."

"You’ll do fine. For what it’s worth. Chip is right."

"How’s that?"

"You and Brit are like the sisters I never had."

I started to cry and we just held each other for a while. The hotel was playing "Le Mans" with Steve McQueen on there movie channel and we just sat there watching all the classic old iron being pushed to the limits. I don’t remember falling to sleep, but I woke up around 2am, and Jess had snuggled against me, again holding me like she would a teddy bear. I tried to wake her up to go to bed, but she was out like a light. I did my best to extract myself from her grasp and then placed an arm under her shoulders and the other under her knees, and lifted her off the couch. This was so much easier when I was a man, but even now, she wasn’t that heavy. Lucky for me, most race drivers are in good shape, and many are smaller in stature. I laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers over her. We had both changed into our PJ’s before sitting down to watch the movie. I looked at her laying there and started to think about what Brit had told me. I knew something was about to change in my life, again, but I was too tired to try to figure it out. I just climbed into bed next to Jessica and drifted off into dream land.

I awoke with a start when the phone rang. It was our wake up call, and just in time too. I was having another nightmare. This was a new one. It had started a lot like the one Brit and I had shared a while back, but this one was ending poorly.

Jess had again snuggled against me in the middle of the night and I could tell from her face she was having a bad dream too. I shook her gently to wake her.

"Jess. come on Jess, wake up. We have to be at the Today show in an hour."

"Huh? What time is it?"

"Almost 6am. We have to get going."

"Oh Toni. I had the worst dream last night."

"Yeah, I had one myself, but let’s not worry about that. You have to take Al Roker for a ride in your car today down broadway."

She hugged me and we both thrashed to get ready for the appearance on the Today show. We both looked like casual business women as we raced down stairs to the waiting limo. We were met at the studio by the show producer and ushered into the studio where they were filming the live broadcast. They were in a commercial break and Jess was going to be on next, talking about winning her second cup. Then after a short break she was going to take their weather guy on the ride of his life thru down town.

"Joining us now is two time Nextel Cup Champion Jessica Zimkin. Welcome Jessica."

"Thank you for having me."

"So what’s it like to be a woman at the top of a traditionally male game?"

"Does it matter if I’m a woman? I just love to drive, and I’ve proven that I’m just as good as most of the men out there."

"True. So two cups in your first two seasons. Has that ever been done before?"

"No, not as far as I know. But then again, most rookies never had the crew and crew chiefs I’ve had along the way."

"You bring up and interesting point. You started the season with the crew chief you won last years championship with Toni Trepasso-Stephens right?"

"Yes I did, but she left the team after her life partner and my good friend Brit Stephens was killed at Daytona when she jumped in front of a car heading toward our car to shove another crew member out of the way. NASCAR is re-naming their sportsmanship award in her memory, and Toni will be giving out the award tonight."

"Is Toni with you here?"

"Yes she is. Toni? Come on out here."

I was trying to find a hole to crawl into when one of the stage managers pulled me out of the back and shoved me in front of the camera. They handed me a cordless hand mic.

"So Toni, where have you been? I’ve been told you were in hiding since the crash."

"Not hiding, more along the lines of mourning. I just didn’t want to deal with anyone since I’d lost my soul mate."

"Have you seen the footage of the crash."

"Yes I have. Jess forced me to watch it a couple days ago." I shot her an ‘I’ll get you for this’ look.

"So you know that the entire sports world has been dubbing Brittany as a hero."

"No I didn’t know that, but I can see why. The man she pushed out of the way is a father of three, and he and his wife had another on the way at the time. I’m sure they’ve had it by now, but I haven’t had the chance to talk to them. I hope Jim and Kathy will be there tonight so I can talk to them both."

"So Jessica, you’ve won two championships in one of the toughest series in the world. What’s next."

"Well, I’m leaving Richard Childress Racing and going with CHIP GANASSI RACING next season."

"So you’re going with a competing team then?"

"Not exactly. I’m leaving NASCAR. I’ll be driving their INDY car next season in the IRL. Chip was going to make the official announcement later today."

"You heard it here first. Nextel Cup Champion Jessica Zimkin is leaving NASCAR to chase her dream of an INDY 500 win. We’ll be back after these messages with Jessica taking Al for a little trip down Broadway."

The hosts shook our hands and we went outside for the next segment. The team had fitted one of the cars with a passenger seat and Al was being strapped in when we got there. Jess started to climb in and I stopped her for a moment. I kissed her on the cheek.

"What was that for Toni?"

"For making me do all this."

"You deserve it. I’ll be back in a few."

She strapped in and put her helmet on. They came back from break and Al talked up the ride he was going to get. They had patched the mic in his helmet into the air feed. He and Jess were chatting about what it was like to drive one of those cars. She fired up the engine and gunned it a couple times. The noise was deafening with the exhaust noise echoing off the tall buildings around us. She asked Al if he was ready.

"No, but that’s never stopped me before. Hit it."

And she did. She left like she was leaving a pit stop. The tires smoking as they rocketed down Broadway. The crew had set up cameras along the route to follow them, and they had put the cameras in the car to capture the whole thing on tape for later. I was watching in a monitor as the NYPD started chasing them. Jess pulled over to the curb and the officer walked up to the car. You could hear the whole thing on the mic from her helmet.

"Is there a problem officer?"

"Do you know how fast you were going miss?"

"Sorry, no officer. They don’t put a speedometer in here. They say it’s not safe to look at that when you’re going as fast as I do."

"Ma’am, we clocked you at 150 mph. That is five times the legal limit in the city."

"But officer isn’t there something I can do?"

"Well, I’m in a good mood, I’ll let you off this time with a warning, just slow it down and get this thing back to where ever it came from."

"Ok, thank you officer."

She fired it back up and dumped the clutch spinning it around in a 180 to head back to the studio. The cop was in shock as she had just spun around him and was off like a shot. They pulled back to the studio and she slid in to a stop right where she’d started from. Al tried to get out of the car, but his hands were shaking too much to undo the seatbelts. We left as they went to another break, and headed to meet up with Richard for the parade down Broadway with the rest of the ‘Chase for the Cup’ top 10.

"You know, I think you made that poor guy piss himself."

"Nah, I didn’t push it that hard. He’s fine."

"What am I going to do with you?"

"Love me?"

I just looked at her in shock. Brit had used that line on me before, and in my dream last night Jess and I were a couple. I know she’s a friend, and I have grown very close to her since the crash, but am I ready for this?

"Go on, you have a parade to lead."

This time when she drove down Broadway, she was following a police escort and idling as they made their way to the Waldorf, where the Banquet would be held tonight.

We made our way back to the hotel after a short press conference, and autograph session. I must say Jessica looked stunning in her baby blue evening dress. I put on a bit of makeup and helped Jess with her hair, then we got in the limo and headed to the Banquet. I was just like it was last year, except for me missing Brit. We both sat with the crew at the head table and ate as the show started. The TV crew went to a break and one of the people running the show came to get me. I was going to be handing out the sportsmanship award next. I had no idea who was getting it, but I did have a little speech ready.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm round of applause for last years Nextel Cup winning crew chief Toni Trepasso-Stephens."

I made my way to the podium. "Sportsmanship. Webster’s defines it as ‘ a person who takes part in a sport, especially as a professional, or a person who behaves sportingly.’ What it means to us is a competitor that goes above and beyond the call of duty to help a fellow competitor in a time of need. We see it every day in the garage. One team is having trouble or breaks a part, and another team lends them a new part or a tool to help get that team back out on the track. In my life I had never met someone who exemplified this more then my late life partner. She was always willing to lend a hand to anyone who needed it. Even if there was friction between herself and that person. She had helped me thru one of the most difficult times in my life, and for that I will always be thankful to her." I started to cry. "So I present to you this years recipient of the Brittany Stephens-Trepasso Memorial Sportsmanship award."

I looked over my shoulder to the large screen behind me as the presentation started. I was shocked to see Brit’s baby pictures start to show. I didn’t really pay attention to the words being said, all I could do was think back to all the good times. Then they showed pictures of Brit and I at Alfred, then of our wedding. They showed a picture of her at Daytona in a team uniform, and I heard the voice over.

"Brit was taking from us this past February as she was saving another crew member from being hit by a car that was skidding out of control toward him. She gave up her live so he could live his. This years recipient of the Brittany Stevens-Trepasso Sportsmanship Award is Brittany Stephens-Trepasso. Here to receive the award for her late wife is Antonia Trepasso-Stephens."

I turned back around and the whole room stood up applauding. That was the last thing I remember before everything went black. I woke up sometime later on a couch with a paramedic looking me over. I pulled the oxygen mask off my face, and looked around. Jess, and Richard were standing there.

"What happened?"

"You fainted."

"You could have told me they were doing this Jess."

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

"You’ve known me for over three years now. You know I hate surprises."

"I’m sorry. Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, it was all just a lot to take in."

"I’ll leave you two alone." Richard told us as the paramedics left with him.

"You could have at least given me a heads up. It was almost painful to watch all those images on that screen."

"I know. She was a great girl, and so are you."

"You know, I should be pissed you did all this. But I’m glad you finally got me out of the house, and back in the flow of life. Thank you."

"I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for you. Thank you Toni."

We hugged and then she helped me up. We hailed a cab, and went back to the hotel for a good nights sleep, at least we tried to get a good nights sleep. I had the same dream again. Jess and I were getting along great, and I’m not sure but I think we became lovers in the dream. Then we were at INDY and all I remember before I woke up was her car went airborne at over 200mph. I woke up at the same time Jess did, and she was holding me tight as she did.

"OOOF! What the hell Jess?"

"Sorry, bad dream."

"Yeah, I had one too. It’ll be alright. Come on, let’s try to get back to sleep, we’ve got an early flight in the morning."

She kissed my cheek, and snuggled against me as she drifted off in to sleep. I just lay there thinking about everything Brit had told me before this trip began. Was I ready for it? Could I handle anymore trouble in my life? I just hope I don’t loose it and go crazy after all these years.

I showed up at the IRL test in Homestead not really knowing what to expect. I found Chip and Jess and they introduced me to the rest of the team. The thing that caught my attention first was that all the guys working on the car were engineers. In the other forms of racing I’ve worked in, there was one engineer and the rest of the guys were mechanics. I started wondering what I had just gotten myself into. I know I have a mechanical engineering degree myself with a minor in aerodynamics, but as I started picking the brains of some of the guys, I learned that most of them had their masters in engineering, where I just have my BAS, (Bachelors of Applied Science.) This didn’t worry me as much as the fact that they were all using computers to make the decisions on what to do to the car. I usually just go off my notes from past races at different tracks for an idea of what works and doesn’t.

The track at Homestead is a high banked fast oval, and since we ran there with the cup cars I had an idea of what the track would do when the sun when down. Jess went out for some easy warm up laps, then started picking up the pace. The first thing I noticed about the attitude of the car was that it looked like it was "dirt tracking," or sliding sideways like a drift car in the turns.

"How’s it feel out there Jess?"

"Her ass is all over the place Toni! I can’t drive this piece of crap."

"Ok, bring it in."

She brought it in and I found out she was having a problem getting it to turn in at the entry to the corner, then from the middle out it was loose as all hell. I grabbed one of the engineers and told him what I wanted.

"James, take 5 degrees out of the rear spoiler, and a full turn out of the right rear shock. Then a half turn out of the rear sway bar."

"What are you nuts? That will never work."

"We tried it your way, and that didn’t work. Now it’s my turn. Either YOU make the changes to the car, or I make the changes to the car. And I assure you that if I do it, I’ll make sure Chip knows we don’t need you around. Got me college boy?"

I hated being this way, but he was testing me, and my patients. I had a similar problem when I started with RCR, some of the guys there resented taking orders from a woman, but I soon changed their minds when we started showing results on the track. James ended up doing my changes to the car and we sent Jess back out for another run. She set fast time for the session and came in raving about how she loved the feel of the car. James and the tire engineer came over to me after they finished their down loads of the car and were shocked.

"We’ve never had tire temps that low before, and the right rear is hardly showing any wear."

"I kind of figured that would be the case. You guys had some things on the car that it just didn’t like. But don’t worry, we’ll get there. I saw some things I want to try tomorrow. So be here bright and early."

I found Jess and Chip in the hauler. Chip asked me what I did to make the car so fast.

"Last year that car was out to lunch. What on earth did you do?"

"I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you." I said laughing. "It was just some minor tweaks. Nothing major. But to listen to some of your so called engineers you’d have thought I wanted to put the engine back in the front of the car."

"Well I see we have some work to do on attitudes."

"Just let the race results do that Chip. The biggest moral booster is a race win. Right Jess?"

"Keep giving me cars like that and I’ll give you more wins then you can handle."

Jess and I were both beat after a full day of testing so we picked up some fast food on the way back to the hotel. We sat there and watched the lights of the city as we just ate our food and then went to bed. I woke up the next morning to the phone signaling our wake up call, and like it usually is when we’re in the same bed, Jess had her arm draped over me and was snuggling tight to me. She looked like she was having that bad dream again, so I tried to wake her.

"Jess, come on hun, wake up." I said as I gently shook her.

"Huh? What? Oh wow, Toni. I was having that damn nightmare again."

"I’ve been having one myself hun. What was your’s about?"

"Well, the bad part was when I was driving at INDY."

"And you launched over someone’s wheel? Then hit the wall?"

She was shocked that I was having the same dream. "Well you usually wake me up just before I hit, but yeah, that’s the one. How did you know?"

"I’ve been having the same dream. But you’re right, the rest of the dream is pretty good."

She just smiled, gave me a hug and we both got ready for the track. Once there I instructed the crew of the changes I wanted to try. They made them and I told Jess what she could expect from the car. She went out and took it easy for a couple laps to let the tires get some heat in them, then she started cranking off laps that blistered the track record. She came in and was all grins as she climbed out of the car, raving about how well it drove. If she hadn’t seen the scoring tower with her number at the top she said she would have thought the car was slow, from how well it handled. We left the team to pack up the car, since we’d gone as fast as we could, while Jess and I went back to the hauler so she could change.

"So are you going to do it?"

"Do what Jess?"

"Be my crew chief? I know I wouldn’t have been that fast if it weren’t for you."

"Wow, you’re gonna make me blush."

"I’m serious. You saw how much of a dirt tracking dog that thing was in the first session. I need you Toni." she told me with a Cheshire cat grin on her face.

"Well if you put it that way? How can I say no? And don’t look at me like that. Brit always did that when she had some hidden double meaning to what she was saying."

"Who do you think she got it from silly?" she asked me as she unzipped her drivers suit and I saw as she pulled it off that she had nothing on under it.

"What the hell are you thinking? Where’s your nomex underwear?"

"I didn’t put it on. I wanted to surprise you."

"Shock is more like it. Are you nuts? You know better then to not put those on when you’re driving a car that burns alcohol. You could have caught fire and we’d never had been able to see it."

She moved closer to me and hugged me. "I’m glad you care, but I did this so I could try to persuade you to join the team." she said as she kissed my lips.

I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react. She was a good friend, and we HAVE become close over the past year since Brit’s death, but was I ready for this? My body didn’t let my mind get a word in as I relished in the touch of another woman for the first time in a year. It felt so right. I couldn’t fight it if I had wanted to. My mind was screaming for me to stop, but my body didn’t listen, as I put my arms around her and held her close. We stood there like that for what seemed like a lifetime and finally when we broke off the kiss I got a little light headed, so I sat down as she finished changing.

Chip came in just as the guys finished loading the car into the hauler, and was happy as a pig in slop that we’d set fast time for the session again, and had a new track record in our pocket.

"So Toni, I see you adapted quite well to these cars."

"It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be Chip. You were right, it’s basically the same things as before."

"So I have my crew chief then?"

I nodded and we shook hands. He told me that he had to pay for dinner that night since he’d lost the wager he and Jess had made. Apparently he didn’t think it would be this easy to get me to sign on.

"I can’t let my good friend here drive for you without someone who knows what is going on with the car. Those monkeys you had set that thing up could have gotten her killed."

He laughed and Jess hugged me, as we left for the hotel. We met Chip in the lobby and he took us to the Hard Rock in Miami for dinner. Cool place, I’d never been to one, and we were in luck since they were having The Dropkick Murphys play live that night. ( I swear to you dear reader that as god as my witness I will get back at Chip and Jess for what they did.)

The Murphys were in the middle of their set when they announced that we were in the audience. A spot light shown on our table when the Ken Casey the bassist and singer called for me to come up on stage. Jess had mentioned to Chip that I was always playing their cd’s and singing along with the songs, so he set it up with the bands manager to let me sing with them on stage. I kept shaking my head and saying no even as Ken and Al Barr, the other singer took me by the arm and drug me up with them.

"What song do you want to do Toni?"

"Uh.. No. There is no way I’m going to be able to sing with you. I can’t."

"Well it’ll look pretty silly for you to just stand on the stage and not do anything. How about we do ‘The Dirty Glass?’ You know the part Stephany has been doing?"

"There is no way I can pull that off. She’s great. I just sing in the shower and the car."

"Come on give it a try."

Ken announced to the crowd that we’d be doing "The Dirty Glass," as he handed me a mic. The band went in to the intro of the song and I belted it out as best I could. "Murphy, Murphy, darling dear. I long for you now, night and day. Your pain was my pleasure, your sorrow my joy. I feel now I've lost you to health and good cheer."

I somehow managed to make it thru that song without losing the dinner I’d just eaten, and we got a standing ovation from the audience. They asked me to sing another song with them. So I said lets do Spicey McHaggis Jig." That was mistake number 1, mistake number 2 was not running for the hills when they told me I had to sing lead if I wanted them to play it. Don’t get me wrong, as a man I did that song many times a karaoke, but as a woman I didn’t know if I had the voice to pull it off. I’ve been told that my voice sounds something like a cross between Gwen Steffani, and Nelly Furtado. Before I could make a break for it, the band started the song, so I had to at least give it a try.

"I'll tell you a story, beleive me it's true. A tail you best hope never happens to you. Of Spicey McHaggis, how he met his fait. You I can save, but for him it's too late.

The crowd seemed to really enjoy it. The crowd singing with me actually relaxed me, so I poured more into it. When the song ended they all cheered and Jonathan kissed my cheek, as I walked off stage. Jess was standing there with her hair all a mess from head banging with the music, and I just shot her a look of total contempt.

"How could you do that to me?"

"Oh get over it, you said it yourself, it’s always been a dream to sing with The murphys."

"It’s a good thing I love you, or else I’d probably want to kill you."

She pulled me tight and kissed me full on the lips. I didn’t stop her, in fact, I kissed her back. We broke off the kiss when Chip walked up and told us he’d see us at the shop by the end of the week. We stayed for the end of the show and then went back to the hotel. Jess turned on the TV as I went to use the bathroom. I heard her call for me, and I hurried to finish. I got there just as they were showing the show from that night on MTV2. The host was saying that if anyone had any info on how to contact me to call the studio, and they flashed the number on the screen.

"Why me... just when I was hoping I could just go on living my life in semi-obscurity, shit like this goes down. I knew I should have just thrown up on stage and gotten it over with."

"You worry too much."

"How can you say that. I never wanted to be famous. All I’ve ever wanted to do was work on race cars. Now because of your and Chip's stunt, MTV wants me, for only god know’s what."

She put her arms around me and pulled me tight into a hug. We laid back onto the bed and cuddled for a while. My cell phone went off and I forced my way free of Jess’ grip to answer it.

"This is Toni."

"Hey, it’s Chip. My son just called me and said you should turn on MTV2."

"Seen it, and before you even ask the answer is no. Not only no, but HELL NO."

"Then you’re going to be pissed that I already called them and gave them your cell number."

"YOU WHAT?!"

"Take it easy. They just want to interview you."

"The music channel wants to talk to me, and you’re telling me to take it easy? I knew I should have bolted for the door when they called me to the stage."

"Oh get over it. You have a good voice. Besides, they told me all they want to do is just talk to you about what you do."

"Since when is MTV into racing?"

"I don’t know, but maybe you could talk them into putting some money into the team. Just talk to them tomorrow when they call. I’ll see you in a couple days at the shop."

He hung up, and I started to shake. It was one of those shakes you get like when you were a kid and you are looking face to belt with the older brother of the kid you and your friends just kicked off the playground. (I told you I was an asshole as a male.) Jess saw I was shaken and she put her arms around me and pulled me into her, like a mother would do her daughter.

"I’m sorry Toni, I never thought it would upset you so much. All Chip and I wanted to do was give you a present for helping me out on the car."

"Yeah, it’s my fault too. I could have just said no."

"But how could you have lived with yourself for passing up a chance to sing with The Dropkick Murphys?"

"I know. But it’s too late now to change that. Chip already gave them my cell number. MTV is going to be calling tomorrow and they want to set up an interview. I just have the un-shakeable feeling this is going to end nothing but poorly."

"Shhh, you’ll be fine. You’re a strong woman Hermes."

She was the first person to call me Hermes since Brit. She always used to call me that when she wanted to be playful or when I was scared, and she wanted to remind me that as a man I was always up for a challenge. Had Brit told Jess this? Am I really being that paranoid?

We changed into our pj’s and cuddled as Jess drifted off to sleep. I on the other hand just laid there and stared at the ceiling wondering what MTV wanted with a 33 year old female mechanic. I don’t remember falling asleep, but when my cell went off around 8am, I realized I had actually slept some that night. Not as much as I would have liked, but I did get some sleep.

"Hello?"

"Is this Toni Trespasso?" (People are always doing that with my last name.)

"No, this is Toni TREPASSO. There’s no extra ‘s’."

"Sorry miss. This is Suzanne Pak with MTV News. Do you have a couple minutes?"

"What time is it?"

"8am miss. Is this a bad time?"

"No, it’s no worse then it would be if you called later. Let’s get this over with. What does Chip want me to talk you into?"

"Um, Mr. Ganassi just gave us your number. I caught your set with The Murphys last night. I must say, I’m impressed. Where have you been singing?"

"My shower and my car. I’m not that good. Besides I’m just a mechanic."

"Just a mechanic who lead the first female driver in Nextel Cup history to win the championship. Now really, where do you sing? Local bars?"

"I used to sing at a local karaoke bar, but nothing professional."

"Wow, I have to tell you Ms. Trepasso, you are wasting your talent by not sharing it with the world."

"I’m a mechanic Suzanne. And please, call me Toni."

"Ok, Toni, would you be willing to come to our studio’s and talk to one of our VJ’s?"

"That all depends. What would I be talking about?"

"We’d love to talk to you about what you do."

"You mean the old ‘what’s it like to be a woman in a man’s field?’ bullshit?"

"Well, yeah, basically. Many of our viewers watch racing too, and since our audience is mainly girls between the ages of 15-25, we feel it would be good for them to see what you've been able to do."

"Ok, who would be doing the interview?"

"Well if it’s alright with you, I’d be honored to speak with you more."

"Ok. When do you want me." I sighed, knowing I was going to have to do this or be labeled a bitch by the media.

"How about tomorrow? We can have the promo’s up by noon saying you’ll be here for TRL."

"Ok, but I’m not introducing any of that bubble gum pop BS. Any chance you can get them to do an all rock show?"

"That can be arranged. We can even let you pick the videos if you want."

"Just book my flight out of Miami, and I’ll be there."

"See you tomorrow Toni."

"Oh, Suzanne, one more thing. I’ll need 2 seats on the plane."

"Oh? Is Jessica coming with you?"

"If she knows what’s good for her she will." I laughed as I hung up the phone and shook Jess awake.

"Huh? What time is it Toni?"

"8:30 am. I just got off the phone with MTV. We’re going there tomorrow."

"We? What’s this ‘we’ pail face?"

"Cut the crap. You got me into this, you’re coming with me."

"Ok, if you put it that way. I don’t want to piss off my crew chief."

"Not if you want to win any time soon." I laughed and she hugged me.

We spent the rest of the day shopping on South Beach, and just enjoying the sights of a day off in Miami. It was kind of fun to watch heads turn everywhere we went. Maybe I forgot to mention it earlier, but even as big as I am, I feel flat chested next to Jess. (Remember I did tell you that Brit and I had the same taste in women.) Every shop we went to, the sales clerks couldn’t help but stare at the cleavage bulging out of both our bikini tops. Lucky for both of us that either no one recognized the two of us, or there are just so many famous people hanging out in South Beach that no one really cares anymore, so we weren’t inundated with requests for autographs. The only one was from a couple on vacation sitting at the next table at a little café we had lunch at. She had on one of Jess’ NASCAR shirts. She was using it as a cover up, not wanting to get burned from sitting in the sun at the café. Jess signed the shirt and posed for a picture with the woman as her husband took the shot. We made it back to the hotel just after dark and both got packed for the trip to New York City.

The flight was pretty un-eventful other then me shaking like a leaf the closer we got to JFK airport. Jess noticed my nervousness and took my hand.

"What’s wrong?"

"What if they ask me to sing again? It was one thing to do it after I had a couple drinks in me at the show, but this will be live TV."

"You’ll do fine. Just relax."

"Easy for you to say. I’ve heard you sing."

"So I can’t carry a tune in a bucket." she said sticking her tongue out at me. "You have a great voice. You’ll do fine. Just pretend you’re back at Michelle’s singing for the crew at karaoke."

"If you say so. I feel like I’m going to yack."

"Just don’t blow chunks on stage. That would be embarrassing."

"Thanks. THAT makes me feel better."

She hugged me as we started our final descent, into New York’s JFK airport. There was a limo waiting for us to take us to the studio in time square. Once there I met Suzanne, the girl I spoke to the day before, and she took me to the control room so I could pick out the videos for that days show. She was shocked when I started picking mostly heavy rock and metal songs.

"I never would have put you as an Anthrax fan Toni."

"Well they are from just outside Syracuse, so I have to support the local boys made good right?"

"Let’s see, Anthrax and Public Enemy, ‘Bring the Noise’, Primus, ‘My Name is Mud’, Metalica, ‘One’, Quiet Riot ‘Metal Health’ and Korn with Amy Lee, "Freak on a Leash"? Wow you sure like the hard stuff Toni."

"I can’t stand that watered down crap they cram down the kids throats these days. If you listen to the lyrics to those songs they say something. It’s not just ‘hey, look at me, I’m cute.’ Those songs actually talk about something."

"I know what you mean, I’m a fan of those bands too. But this station pushes what they think the kids want to hear."

"That was the one thing that pissed me off when I was growing up. For a while there, it was alright, you played Korn, Limp Bizkit, and Metalica, but then Brittany Spears and those other tramps started corrupting the minds of our little girls. It’s bull shit. It has no soul." as I started singing, "hit me baby one more time. Ok, but this time I’m using a bigger hammer. Maybe that will shut you up."

Sue laughed and took us to the dressing room so they could put some make-up on me and get me looking presentable for the camera’s.

The show started and I was introduced. Suzanne said it would be a special addition of TRL and that the video’s were my favorites.

"Toni, why don’t you throw it to the first video."

"Ok, here’s Solvay, New York’s own son’s Anthrax with their good friends Public Enemy. Bring the Noise." I stared head banging and my hair flying to and fro as I did.

When we came back from the video we talked about me being Jessica’s crew chief and what it was like in the garage area with the majority of the people there being men.

"Well, they really treat us like their little sisters. Sometimes it’s annoying, but for the most part, if you can prove to them that you know what you are doing, they give you the respect you deserve."

"Winning a cup in your rookie season in the Nextel Cup must have done that huh?"

"Well, I can’t take all the credit. I had one hell of a driver behind the wheel."

"You’re talking about 2 time Champion Jessica Zimkin?"

"The one and only. In fact we work together so well that Chip Ganassi hired us to win the INDY 500 for him this year."

"That’s a pretty big order to fill isn’t it? I mean there are a lot of good teams racing in that aren’t there?"

"Yes, but those other teams don’t have my secret weapon."

"What’s that?"

"Well I’ll tell you what it is, but promise you won’t tell anyone." I laughed. "It’s Jessica. With her driving, we can’t lose."

We broke for commercial and then came back with more videos. Suzanne asked me about how I felt music was going these days, and what I would do to change it.

"Well first of all, I’d strap every boy band and bubble gum pop princess to a rocket and shoot them to the sun. No, just kidding, but I would make sure that the music actually said something more then, ‘oh, look at me, I’m cute. Buy my record.’ What ever happened to the days of bands writing about what they lived in their lives? Give me Hank Williams Junior or Kid Rock any day."

"You bring up a good point, you said you feel Kid Rock. I’ve been told you can play his songs quite well, and that you could be talked into singing for us here."

"Remind me to stop hanging out with Jessica."

"Well folks would you like to hear Toni sing for us?"

The audience cheered and Suzanne handed me a guitar. It was either sing, or throw up and make a fool out of my self. So I did what would be less embarrassing, and sat down on the edge of the stage with the acoustic 6 string in my hands, and started strumming the only tune I knew.

"I’ve been sitting here. Trying to find myself. I need to get behind myself, I need to rewind myself. Looking for the pay back. I listen for the play back. They say every girl bleeds just like me. I feel like number one, even when I’m last in line. I watch my youngest son. It helps to pass the time. I never took any pills, to ease the pain. I made a bunch of dollar bills, but I still act the same. And everybody knows my name. They yell it way out loud. People like to fuss with me, whenever I hang out in a crowd. But I guess that’s the price you pay, to be some big shot like I am. With out stretched hands and one night stands, still I can’t buy love. And when your walls come tumbling down, I will always be around. People don’t know about the things I say and do. They don’t understand all the mess that I’ve been thru. And it's been so long, since I've been home. Don't 'cha know that I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long. Well maybe I’ve forgot all the things that I miss. Somehow I know there’s more to life then this. I’ve said it too many times, and I still stand firm. You get what you put in and people get what they deserve. Still I ain’t seen mine. No I ain’t seen mine. I’ve been givin’ I just ain’t been gettin’ I’ve been walking that thin line. And I think I’m gonna keep on walking with my head held high. I’ll keep movin’ on, and only god know’s why...."(remember think if Gwen Steffani, or Nelly Furtado sung the song.)

The audience cheered louder then I’ve ever heard them on that show. A couple of the young girls had tears in their eyes. Suzanne sat down next to me and handed me a hand mic again.

"Wow, that had a lot of feeling in it Toni. I can see what you meant earlier."

"Well that song has always been one of my favorites, but over the past few years it’s had even more meaning to me."

"Ah, another interesting point. Do we have the picture?"

On the monitors flashed a picture of me when I was in the cup the first time, as Pat. Total shock hit me and my jaw just dropped. Here I was opening up to these people and they were pulling this shit on me?

"So Toni, we have it under good authority that this was you 4 years ago."

"Where did you get that idea from?" I asked trying to keep my cool.

"Yes or no, was that you?"

I leaned in to whisper in Suzanne’s ear that if she didn’t go to a commercial break, I’d sue her personally for defamation of charicter.

"We’ll be back with the answer after this break."

I just glared at her, as we walked to the side of the stage where the director was standing.

"Where did you get your information?"

"I can’t say, just that it is a reliable source."

"I will tell you this. If you don’t find a way to fix this, I will personally sue this station. True or not. This information was never supposed to see the light of day. Now I will ask you again, who told you?"

"Then it is true?"

"You are going to not tell anyone. If you do, I will own you. Got me. Now get my mother on the phone, she’ll cover for me."

"We can’t keep this from the world."

"You can and you will, unless you want to be my personal bitch for the rest of your life. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. Not get my mom on the phone."

They were able to reach my mom, and as we came back from break, I told Suzanne that if she knew what was good for her she’d play along.

"Ok, and we’re back. So Toni, about that picture?" she asked as they showed it again. "Was that you?"

"Well why don’t you call my mom, and ask her if she gave birth to a boy or a girl?"

"We have your mom on the phone right now. Hello?"

"I’m here. And I’m not happy that someone is spreading rumors about my little girl."

"Love you too mom."

"She is my little girl and will always be my little girl. If anyone want’s to say otherwise, just call me and I’ll put you in touch with our lawyer."

"Ok, so that pretty well sums it up. We here at MTV deeply apologize for any accusations that have been talked about. They are not true, and the young lady next to me is completely female. Please accept my apology Toni. I was just given this info an hour before the show by the producers and didn’t have time to check the facts. I assure all of you this will not happen again. Join us tomorrow when we’ll have Justin Timberlake on."

When we were clear I went back into the dressing room with the producer, director, Suzanne, and Jessica.

"Alright, spill it. Where did you get that picture?"

"We can’t say." the producer told me.

"Ok, you want to play that way. You either tell me, or you tell my lawyer, and the judge that put a gag order on the whole thing back when it happened."

Their jaws dropped. "So it is true?" asked Suzanne.

"It doesn’t leave this room. There are a hand full of people who know, and trust me when I tell you this. The people wanting to cover this up, can and will make you disappear, permanently."

I pulled out the well worn photo book from the hospital and handed it to them as they sat on the couch. I told the story about the party, falling down the hill and landing in the toxic waste. They all shared the familiar look of awe on their faces that I’ve grown to expect from that picture book. Suzanne looked at me.

"The world needs to know the truth."

"The world needs to know SHIT! You want to get yourself killed over this? You have no idea who you’re dealing with. The people behind this are more powerful then the Mafia, and the Arian Brother hood put together. And they have the way’s and means to make it so no one finds an atom of your DNA."

"You’re joking."

I pulled out the copy of the gag order I had and showed them the signatures at the bottom. They all turned white as a sheet when they read the names.

"Now, I’ll be taking that picture you showed and you WILL never speak of this again. They have ways of finding out."

They gave me the hard copy of the picture and the disk the file was on. Jess and I left for the airport and she was uncomfortably quiet around me.

"Penny for your thoughts Jess?"

"What is going on Toni? I know you had the accident, but why all the cloak and dagger stuff?"

"You know some powerful people went to the U right?"

"Yeah, but what’s this got to do with them?"

"How would it look if senators, congressmen, and other people of power were found to be large contributors to a school that dumped toxic chemicals illegally? They’d be run out of office. So they put a gag order on my case, and we settled out of court. I just want to live my life as a normal woman. Damn, now there’s something I never thought I’d have to say. I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want to be a freak, or be treated like a science experiment. I just want to work on race cars and live my life."

"I understand Toni. I know you used to be a guy, but for some reason that doesn’t freak me out. To me, you’re just one of the girls."

"That’s all I ask. Nothing more, nothing less. Just let me be me."

She hugged me as we pulled up to JFK for our flight back to Charlotte. Since I live closer to the airport then she does, she spent the night at my house and again we shared the same bed, like we did on the road. I felt myself starting to get used to the idea of being with her more and more, as more then just friends.

To be continued.

I was roused from my sleep by my cell phone ringing. A glance at the clock told me it was almost 10AM, and I tried to shake the cobwebs from my head. I hadn’t slept this late in a long time, but it felt good. I picked up the phone and saw it was a 607 area code.

"This is Toni."

"Hey fucker..." came the unmistakable voice of Opiee.

"What the hell man, the sun isn’t even up yet. Someone better be dead." I joked to him.

"Mu Theta Weekend. Were getting a list together of Alumni who are coming."

"Oh, so someone’s GOING to die." I kidded back to when we had to rush Hulk to the hospital for a case of AP.

"Hopefully not this year. So you coming?"

"When is it?"

"Hold on let me check my day planner."

"What the hell... little miss super star doesn’t have a PDA yet?" he asked with a laugh.

"Piss off, I prefer it on paper, it’s harder to steal that way... May 2nd? That’s an off weekend so yeah... put me down. It’ll be good to see the old crew and find out what kind of brain dead pot smoking tree huggers we have running things now." I said laughing.

"Nah, it’s a good group now. I’ll see you then." He told me as he hung up.

Time passed quickly between that call and the weekend. Jess finished 2nd in her first race in the IRL, but only because we lost a lap in the pits with a fuel rig malfunction. Her first win came at Texas, and then backed it up at Chicago. So we had good momentum heading into INDY.

I had asked around the shop if anyone knew where I could get some white lightning. One of the local boys told me his grand-pa made the best hooch in the state. So I got a few bottles from him for the gang and went up to NY for one last weekend of fun before the insanity that is the month of May at INDY.

I pitched my tent like I always do in the bed of my truck and then helped the guys start the bon fire. I had brought a few gallons of racing gas with me to help things along and before the first beers were finished we had a blazer going. I was sitting there playing cards with the guys when Opiee came up and grabbed my shoulder.

"Come with me. There’s someone you need to see."

"What is Thumper finally shown up to one of these things?" I asked with a giggle, as none of the original four founders had been heard from since we got our charter.

"Just follow me." he said dragging me out of the pavilion to the camping area.

Once there I saw a woman finishing pitching her tent. She stood up and tossed her dark hair over her shoulder and it dawned on me that I knew who it was.

"Mandy?" I asked, thinking it was my ex, Sarah’s younger sister. "Where’s Hawkeye?" I asked inquiring about her fiancé.

"Mandy and JD will be along in a few. It’s me... Sarah you dumb bitch." She told me with a glare.

My mouth dropped wide open and I just looked at her. When we were dating, Sarah had a couple extra pounds on her. I always referred to her as a BBW, but she kept insisting she was too heavy. She was my best friend before we started dating and I always thought she was perfect as she was.

"Wow, you look.... amazing." I told her trying to bring myself back to reality.

"Thanks, I’ve been losing weight for Mandy’s wedding. I want all three of us sisters to be in the same size dress." She was of course making reference to Marah, the now 20 year old baby of the family.

"So how is everyone doing?" I asked trying to make small talk.

"Oh, Mar is in Harvard studying law, Mandy and James finally set a date. Dad made department supervisor, so he and mom bought a house down in PA. And I’m teaching English as a second language, back in Syracuse."

"Wow, congrats. I’m sure your students love you as their professor."

"It’s fun. I really take pride in knowing I’m making a difference in someone’s life."

"Good. Hey, can I get you a drink? We have cola. I also brought some Mountain Dew." I joked as to the last time I saw her on Dew, she about killed Opiee from the sugar over dose.

"Actually I brought water with me. So I’m good."

Just then one of the guys called that the food was ready. So we went and ate. Sarah and I sat by the fire and chatted about our lives and how they were going. I was feeling pretty tipsy from the beers and the few swings of Grand-pa Howard’s home made hooch. So I bared my heart to Sarah.

"You know the worst mistake I ever made?"

"No, Toni, what’s that?"

"Giving you up."

"You’re drunk."

"Yeah, but I still think it was the worst mistake I ever made."

"Oh really? You seemed pretty damn sure about it that day back in the hospital five years ago."

"That was out of frustration. Besides, I wanted you to be able to live your dream of having a family. How was I going to be able to give you kids of your own."

"You already did dumb ass." She told me taking a swig of her water. It took a moment for it to register in my brain cells that were marinading in malted hops.

"What do you mean I already did? You never had a kid with me." I looked at her confused.

"Shows what you know. What do you think I needed to tell you that day you woke up and then pushed me out of your life?"

"Wait... what?" I was trying to clear my head, and trust me nothing sobers you up quicker then someone hinting that they had your child.

"That weekend we celebrated our 2 year anniversary, the weekend before you went down for hell night." she glared at me. "Remember? We made love about 10 times in Niagra Falls."

"You mean... that you... and I.... we..." I was trying to find the way to say it.

"Yes Toni, I got pregnant." she told me as she started to tear up. All I could do was just look at her dumbfounded. It was worse news then being told my father died, or when Brit died. Here I was going on like a happy asshole and she was raising my child, ALONE!

"Sarah, I didn’t know. You should have told me."

"I tried but your mom just ushered me out of the place then had a nurse escort me out of the hospital. Didn’t your dad tell you? I sent him pictures."

"No, he never said a word. But I did find a card after he passed with a picture of you holding a baby. "First Christmas" I think it said on it."

"Yeah, and I sent him one every year until he passed. He also came to every one of Patrick’s birthday parties."

I started to ball my eyes out at having missed the first five years of my child’s life. Then it dawned on me what she had just said. "Patrick" a son. I had a son.

"You named him Patrick?" I asked not really sure I heard her right.

"Yes I did. Patrick Michael Trepasso-Hogan Junior." she told me with a cold look on her face that sent a chill down my spine. She named my son after me and I never even knew I had a son.

"Excuse me, I need to be alone." I told her as I grabbed my beer and wandered off into the woods.

I walked over to the cliffs that were on the outer edge of the grounds we were on and just sat there as the sun went down, thinking and drinking. My bottle went dry just as the last bit of light faded from the sky.

"FUCK!" I yelled as I heaved my bottle into the side of the cliff.

"Feel better now?" a female voice asked from behind me. I turned and it was Sarah.

"No, I feel like a complete ass now."

"Don’t be. For what it’s worth, I told Pat the whole story and he watches you every week on TV."

I let out a laugh of frustration. "Oh, great, my own kid thinks I’m a freak. Well you see son, your dad fell face down in a puddle of toxic waste and turned into a woman. Great one Sarah. Scar the kid for life."

"Shut up you drunken bitch. I told him that you had a sex change. Willingly. I didn’t tell him about the other shit." She looked at me with pity, and shaking her head. "I think you’ve had enough excitement for one night. Why don’t you go to bed." she told me, helping me to my feet and steadying me as I staggered to my tent.

"Sarah?"

"Yes Toni?"

"Stay with me tonight? I don’t think I can stand to be alone." I asked her thru my tear soaked eyes.

"I’ll grab my sleeping bag." she said as she went to get it from her tent.

She came back and I crawled into my bag, as she did hers, and drifted off to sleep. I woke up with a start, from having a weird dream. I don’t remember exactly what it was just that it was weird even for me. I was in the dark and found a female arm draped over my chest and softly snoring. I didn’t think anything of it and just closed my eyes and went back to sleep, and again having weird thoughts racing thru my head.

I was one of the first ones up the next morning. I looked over to see Sarah sleeping like a baby next to me on the air mattress, so I quietly got up and started to re-kindle the fire, to cook some breakfast. Apparently the smell woke Sarah and a few of the others as I was soon joined eating my meal of biscuits, home fries, bacon and the rest of the orange juice I had squirreled away from the guys making screw drivers. When we finished eating I asked Sarah to go for a walk with me, and we headed off into the woods.

"I want to be a part of my son’s life." I told her as we walked.

"I think he’d like that. But what about... what’s her name? Jessica is it?

"She’s a friend. She helped me get thru the time when Brit got killed and that was so soon after losing dad. Besides, she’s Brits Ex, how weird would that be to be dating your late spouses ex?" I asked with a slight chuckle.

"Yeah, I guess that would be a bit awkward."

"You know I meant what I said last night Sarah."

"What’s that?"

"The biggest mistake I ever made was pushing you out of my life." I told her as I started to tear up again. "I tried to call you but all I got was voice mail."

"What number do you have?" she asked looking puzzled.

"380..." I rattled off the rest of it to her.

"Mar has that phone now. I’m on my own plan with AT&T."

"So you mean I was calling her, and not you?"

"Yeah, that was another thing I was going to tell you in the hospital, but..." I cut her off.

"Did she tell you I called? Any of the two hundred and thirty six times?"

"No, she didn’t. She was probably mad at you over what happened with me."

"I can see that." I said looking ashamed and crying. "Look, INDY is coming up, how about I fly you and Pat out and I can take you both to your first race?" I asked her wiping the tears from my eyes.

"I’d like that. When is it?" she asked not knowing, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

"Memorial day weekend. Come on, you’ve never heard of the INDY 500?" I asked in disbelief.

"You know I’m not big into racing. But with a kid like ours... "she sighed. "I can’t take him anywhere without his cars and one of his racing DVD’s that James bought him.

"Good ole’ Hawkeye. Always looking out for a fellow gear head." I giggled. " you know I was the same way when I was a kid. We didn’t have in car DVD’s back then. But I never left home without at least a couple cars with me."

"I know Toni, your dad told me all about it."

"You know, my dad started a little tradition with me that I’d like to pass along to Pat if it’s alright with you."

"What’s that?" she asked me puzzled.

"Well my dad built me my first race car when I was 3, and Pat’s what 5? Going on 6?"

"Yeah. What are you saying? That you want him to race at that age?"

"QMA has classes for kids as young as 4. And I’ll have you know that they make sure the drivers know how to handle the car before they turn them loose on the track alone." I told her.

"I don’t know. It all seems so dangerous to me."

"He’ll only be going about 5 miles an hour to start, and I’ll build the car myself so it’ll be the safest it can be for my boy. What do you say? At least let him try it to see if he likes it. If he doesn’t like it, I won’t push him."

"If you promise that you won’t push, and he’ll be safe, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it." She smiled at me and I just threw my arms around her and hugged her tight.

I looked into her eyes and all the old feelings I had for her came rushing back at me like a MACK truck. I leaned in and she met me with her lips to mine. I don’t really know how long we were there kissing, and truth be told, I really don’t care if we had ever stopped. For the first time in over a year, it felt right to kiss like this.

There’s one more thing you should know. I also adopted a little girl from Ethiopia." she told me as I held her close. I smiled and rubbed her back.

"That’s wonderful. So Patrick has a baby sister? Good, now he’ll never have to know what I went thru being an only child. That’s great, what’s her name?" I asked smiling like I had just won the lottery.

"Her name is Isabelle, and she’s just adorable."

"Do you have any pictures?" I asked and she pulled out her wallet, and flipped down about 20 snapshots of the kids. She was right, Isabelle is just the cutest little girl on the planet. Then I saw Patrick. It was a more recent shot and I started to tear up again as I realized just how much like I used to when I was his age. Sarah hugged me again, and we went back to the party, and had a great rest of the weekend. We exchanged numbers again and I told her I’d call her when I had the flight and hotel booked. Then after one final kiss for now. I pointed my truck south and headed back to North Carolina.

To be continued....

The next few weeks were a blur of activity getting the cars ready for the big dance at INDY and trying to get my personal life back in order. Jess pretty much moved in with me, at my place. I lived closer to the Shop then she did, so it made sense for her to do it. We got her fitted into the cars and set the seats right for her to be able to see over the dash. This can be a problem when your driver is only 5'5" tall, but we moved the pedals up and back, then mounted the seats higher in the car. I made sure to have a complete download of the settings we left the test day with so we could start there when the track opened for Rooky Testing.

I set up a flight for Sarah and Patrick on a flight to Indianapolis, and a rental car when they got there. She told me her mom would take Isabelle for the weekend since she was just too young to know what was going on. I made sure the flight was early enough before the race so I would have time to meet them at the airport and get them settled in without any trouble. I watched their flight land and held up the sign I made with her nickname from back when she joined the co-ed chapter of my fraternity in Syracuse. She giggled when she saw it and hugged me tight. Pat just looked at me like I was a super hero. I guess it is how I would have reacted to meeting one of the crew chiefs of a race team I looked up to when I was his age, let alone the person your mother told you used to be the man who is your father. I bend down to shake his hand.

"Hi, I’m Toni, and you must be Patrick. You’re mom says you’re a big racing fan."

He just blushed and grabbed onto Sarah’s pant leg to hide behind it. There was no doubt in my mind at this point that he was my son. I can remember doing the same thing at that age when I met any of my parent’s friends. I helped them get their bags then found the car I had rented for them. I thought it would be a treat for Patrick ro have his mom drive a mustang convertible. We drove to the hotel and got them checked in. I told Sarah that Jess and I were right down the hall and if she wanted we could all go to dinner that night. The look on her face told me that she was disappointed in the news of me sharing a room with Jessica.

"Hey, it’s not what you think. We’re the only two women on the team, so it makes sense for us to share a room. Right? I mean, Richard’s daughter roomed with Jess, Brit and myself when we were working in the Cup."

She nodded and I left her to get their things settled away. I rang their room around 3pm, to let her know I had reservations for dinner at 5pm. She agreed to go with us and assured me that Patrick would be on his best behavior. I told her before I hung up that it wouldn’t be a problem.

Jess and I went to get them at the agreed time, and took their car to dinner. Jess drove and Patrick sat shotgun in the passenger seat. He was in heaven to be sitting next to one of his hero’s as they drove the car he was in. Sarah gave me a look of ‘WTF’ when we pulled up to ‘Lava land’, a restaurant with an attached family fun center. Jess took Patrick to go play some games, and Sarah and I went to get a table.

"She’s good with kids isn’t she?" Sarah noted.

"It helps that she refuses to grow up herself." I laughed.

"So what made you think of this place?

"Well it was Jess’ idea. She thought she could keep Patrick occupied while you and I had a chance to catch up on old times." I told her as I took her hand in mine.

We talked more about what had happened since my change, and how each of us was getting along. I thanked her again for taking the time to allow me back into her life.

"If I knew then what I know now, I never would have let you go. I only pushed you away so you could live your dream of a family Sarah." I told her as the tears started to well up in my eyes.

"And I simply waited for you. I loved you then and I still love you now."

"Yeah, a 35 year old widow, who works 70 hour weeks and is gone every weekend."

"I knew what I signed up for when you started working with that Hooters Cup team back in Syracuse."

"Yeah, but neither of us ever thought I’d be able to take it THIS far."

She took my hand in hers and gave me a squeeze. "I did. You never gave yourself enough credit for what you know. You’re like a sponge. You soak in all the knowledge from everything you see and do and use it to make you a better person."

"Yeah, well if I’m so damn great, how come I pushed away my pregnant fiancé, and didn’t know I had a son until a couple weeks ago?"

"It’s alright. I could have called you too you know."

"No, that’s not the point Sarah. I should have let you be there for me, just like I should have been there for you when you needed me the most."

"You’re here now, and it’s never too late to start over."

I smiled at her and wiped the tears from my eyes. I looked up just as Jess and Patrick came back to the table with a HUGE stuffed teddy bear they had won. We ate and Jess told stories of our times on the road. She left out the dirty parts, like the time I kicked the guy in the balls in Phoenix, or the times Brit and I kept her up at night making out.

We all got tired out chasing after Patrick and headed back to the hotel when he finally ran out of gas just before they closed the family fun center. We headed back to the hotel and I gave them their passes for the weekend. Jess and I would have to be at the track to sign in at 7am and I told Sarah that the pits opened at 8am, but they could get in any time. Jess fell asleep and cuddled up to me tight like she always did when we were in the same bed. Her gentle snoring put me out in a short time.

We arrived at the track refreshed and ready to go. For the first time in a long time, neither of us had a nightmare, so we both had a good night’s sleep. The team was setting up the garage and unloading the last of the equipment as we made our way into the lounge of the hauler.

"Ok, rookie meeting is at 9am, and the drivers meeting is at 11am." I told her as I looked over the schedule they gave me at sign in.

"Ok, who’s the rookie trainer?"

"Al Senior"

"Wow, they don’t mess around."

"No they don’t. Just listen to what he says. I know you’ve been her before in the Cup and for the open test, but don’t get cocky."

"Yes mom." she told me rolling her eyes.

"I mean it Jess, you’ll be doing over 220 out there and it’s dangerous. I’ll give you the safest car I can, but don’t drive like a fool. Promise me."

She smiled and looked at me "I promise. I won’t do anything stupid."

"Too late. You’re fly is open."

She zipped up and then flipped me off. We found where they were holding the rookie class and Jess absorbed everything Big Al had to offer. During practice we found some speed that the other teams couldn’t, and ended up with fast time in practice and the pole for our first race with this team at INDY. The media frenzy was intense. Reporters wouldn’t leave either of us alone. Then came the talk of cheating. We both got called into the big blue trailer for a sit down with the league officials. They said they were impounding our car and wanted to see if we were hiding traction control. I pulled the wrench out of my back pocket and handed it to the head tech official.

"Knock yourself out Billy. So does this mean we have to go to our back up car, or are you going to give me the car back in time for me to be able to put it back together so we can make the race?"

He just looked at me and informed us that they were taking the car back to Headquarters for the official look. So while we did set fast time, we would be starting shotgun on the field in the back up car. On the way back to the hauler Jess looked at me and started to laugh.

"I thought you were crazy when you told me you wanted to scale both cars with me in them at the shop. Now I’m glad I went along with you on that."

I told her. "I’m not as dumb as I look sometimes. I didn’t think this would be the reason for us having to dig out that car though. I figured someone would have collected you in an on track incident. But now all we have to do is make the same changes to this car that we made to the one being impounded, and you’re good to go."

The reporters were swarming around the hauler waiting for us to get there. It was a sea of flash bulbs and microphones as they all were shouting for a comment. I took a deep breath and pushed Jess into the truck, before turning around and facing the see of media.

"The only thing I have to say is that the IRL officials are welcome to look as hard and as long as they want at the car they are taking back to their shop. The only driving aid on that car is the one that wears the helmet. Jessica does not need a computer to control her car for her. She is that good of a driver. I would have thought her record in sprint cars and what she did in NASCAR would have spoke volumes to that fact. Rest assured that the officials will get to the bottom of these accusations and there is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that they will find that the ONLY reason the Lady Schick, Tequila Patron car went as fast as it did was due to the superior driving skills of Jessica Zimkin." I told them as I turned and went into the hauler to meet with Jess and Chip in the lounge.

"You should go into politics Toni" Chip told me with a Cheshire cat grin. "By the way, good idea to plug the sponsors. That’ll get at least a few plays on sportscenter."

"It just pissed me off that they immediately assume she’s guilty until proven innocent."

"Just go relax the rest of the day. We’ll get the car ready for the race. You two go back to the hotel and get a good nights sleep. Remember final practice is at 9am thursday." Chip told us and we headed back to the hotel.

On the way out Sarah and Patrick were waiting for us at the main gate. So we all stopped at Hooters for a quick bite and it felt good to just spend time with friends and my son. I didn’t sleep a wink that night. So I caught a cab and headed to the track at around 6am. Security let me in and I went over the car with a fine tooth comb. When all is said and done, it is the crew chief who is responsible for the car being ready to race and I made sure I double checked every nut and bolt on that car. I wasn’t taking anything to chance with the media already looking over our shoulder. I also made sure the security guard stayed with me as a witness to me not doing anything under handed to the car.

When the IRL officials arrived I was sleeping on the creeper under the car. I don’t know how long I was out, but they woke me up and informed me that tech was starting in 30 minutes. So I found the rest of the team and we made our way thru the tech line. We passed and then fueled the car at the pumps. Jess made her way out to the grid for final practice and we got her strapped in.

"You really need to relax a bit Toni." she told me. "I was worried sick when you weren’t in bed and Sarah hadn’t seen you. Where did you go?"

"I was here, making sure I kept my end of our promise. I was just making sure that your car is ready to race today. Now what I want you to do is go out and just take it easy. Don’t go crazy, just get the feel of this car, and don’t go all out. Just cruse around and make sure everything feels right. Then pull it in and we’ll do the final nut and bolt before the race. Got it?"

She nodded and I tapped her helmet like I always do before she goes out. She did as I asked and was the first car to pull back into the garage area. She parked the car in our stall and climbed out.

"It’s just as good as the other car. We definitely have something for these boys today." she told me.

I had the crew go over the car and make sure everything was tight before the race. We headed back to the hauler and just relaxed. We didn’t have to do anything until Sunday so we just headed back to the hotel and then grabbed Sarah and Pat then went on a tour of the area. I took my son thru the Indianapolis Motor Speedway Museum and showed him some of the historic cars that had graced the hallowed grounds of The Brickyard. We headed back to the hotel and just relaxed for the next few days.

On race day Jess and I got to the track early and made sure we had good seats for the drivers meeting. The officials told us all about what was going to happen. Jess would be on the pole for the parade lap then she would drop back to the tail of the field and everyone would move up one spot. We headed back to the hauler and had a little lunch then she laid down in the lounge and took a little nap. I woke her up at 10am and we made our way to where they were holding the drivers introductions. When she went to the drivers introductions and I went to double check the car, as the crew was pushing it out on the grid. I must say that the IRL goes all out for the pre-race ceremonies. They had a color guard from the local Air Force base and Cypress Hill to play for the crowd. The pre-race winded down and they did the invocation and singing of "Back Home Again In Indiana," and the national anthem, then we strapped Jess in and fired the car off. She did as she was told and I wished the team a good race as I took my seat on the pit box next to Chip.

The doctors told me that she was unconscious, but stable. However there was a problem. She had received 3rd degree burns thru out 95% of her body, and had broken her back in 3 places. Her vital signs were strong but her body was in a war to keep her among the living.

I went in to the burn unit where they had her and it didn’t even look like her. Her hair was gone and she was all charred. Her face looked all puffy and red. I stayed at the hospital for days just waiting to see when or even if she would wake up.

As the days went by and she received more treatments for the burns she lost the layers of dead burned skin and the new skin cells started to take shape. She started to look like she was going to make a full recovery if she ever came out of the coma. They brought her back to her room and I curled up in the chair as I had done every night for the past month now. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Brit standing there smiling at me. She put her finger over my mouth and told me to shush.

"This is what I’ve been telling you about Toni."

"What is happening to Jess? Is she going to be alright?"

"Yes, in fact she’ll be as good as new. But she’ll never race again."

"Why is this happening? Why her? Why now?"

"That is not important. What does matter is she will need your help. She will need you there as a friend just as she was there for you when you needed her."

"Can’t you tell me why this is all happening?"

"You don’t need to know that. What you do need to know is that you and her were meant to be together. You are both going to learn from and teach each other. Just be there for her and everything will fall into place. It’s time to wake up. She needs you." she told me then was gone. I woke up and found Jess laying there, looking in the mirror on the wall, and struggling to move.

"Jess?" I offered. She turned to look at me and started to cry.

"What the hell happened to me Toni?"

"You had a bad crash, and you’ve been in the burn unit for over a month now." I said as I stood up to try to comfort my friend.

I hugged her and she sobbed into my shoulder. All I could do was just stroke her bald head and hold her. I knew the shock she was going thru, waking up after a coma and I know it felt good to just have someone to hold you. The nurse came in and then turned back around. She went to page the doctors and I helped Jess back to bed.

The doctor came in and started taking vital signs and testing her reflexes, to which there were none from the neck down. I held her and just holding her hand much like a mother would a child having a nightmare, only this wasn’t a dream. Right on time, my cell phone rang and it was Chip calling me for the daily update. I told him that Jess was out of the coma, but things weren’t going well. He told me he’d be there later in the day to see how she was doing. I hadn’t told him about all that had been happening so I tried to brace him for the worst.

"Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t look the same Chip." I told him. He just rushed off the line and hung up.

"I don’t want to see him!" Jess told me.

"He’s concerned about you. He’s called every day to see how you were doing and he really wants to make sure you’re alright." I told her to try to comfort.

"You call this alright? I can’t move my body for gods sake!" her words stung me like a punch from a boxer.

"You’ll get thru this. I’ll be here to help you every step of the way."

The doctors left the room and left us to be alone and talk for a while. Jess drifted off to sleep and I just stayed in the room thinking back to my own change, and all that happened to me. I knew what Jess was feeling, and vowed to do my best to help her adjust to her new life, whatever it may be.

To be Continued.

It’s been about a few months since Jess woke up in the hospital. I visit her every day and can say without a shadow of a doubt that she is surprising the doctors every day. The same ones who told her she’d be a quadriplegic for the rest of her life are amazed that she can now wheel herself around in her wheel chair and for the most part take care of herself.

As for Sarah and I, I’ve been flying back and forth to Syracuse just about every other weekend so I can see her and the kids. It’s amazing how much my boy looks and acts just like I did when I was his age. Isabelle is just adorable. Adopted or not, there is no doubt that she takes after Sarah. Both of them are very strong willed and if either one get’s their mind made up about something, there are two chances of changing it, slim and none. The only problem is "Slim" usually has his coat on and is half way out the door if you catch my drift.

I kept my promise to Patrick about building a car for him to race. He took to the track like a duck to water. He moved up quickly from the Novice class and became a force to be reckoned with in the Junior Honda’s.* He even took home the win at the annual "Classic Kick-Off" race held by the local track in Fulton. It’s one of the biggest races of the year on the east coast. It is sponsored by the Oswego Speedway and is held under the lights on the Thursday night before Labor Day, which is when the speedway holds it’s annual 200 lap season finally for the super modifieds. The race is a big treat for the kids. The speedway usually has some of it’s drivers and crews bring their cars down for the people to take a close look at and there is usually an autograph session with the drivers before the finals start.

Meanwhile, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out if and how I can get Jess back behind the wheel of a race car since she’s told me on more then one occasion that the only thing she’s ever wanted to do in her life is drive. A chance encounter with an old engineering friend of mine at the PRI show, lead me to think I can pull it off. The Performance, and Racing Industry show is a who’s who of racing technology. I met up with an old friend from college who was working for one of the venders to have dinner when she obviously knew my mind was elsewhere.

"Ok, what’s the ‘sitch?" she asked me sipping her drink.

"What do you mean Tina?"

"Well you’ve been sitting there for over 10 minutes and haven’t so much as touched your food. Come on, dish, what’s bothering you?"

"Well you know Jess has full movement of her arms and everything else above the waist right?"

"Yeah, you called me that day from the hospital when you found her racing her wheel chair with some kid on her floor."

"Ok, well it got me thinking. How can I get her back in a race car? I mean she obviously still likes to race, and she CAN move her arms. But how do I give her control over the car?"

"You’re joking right? HELLO! Earth to Toni. I work for a company that makes servos to control different parts of the car. All we’d have to do is hook up some simple hand controls in place of the peddles and BINGO! We’re racing." she told me just beaming with joy.

I just looked at her in shock. I never thought it would be that easy, but she was right. I was trying to go about it all wrong. I was trying to figure out how to hook up pulleys and levers to do the job, I never even thought about electrics.

"And I’ll go you one better." she informed me. "Since I’m vice president of product development, I don’t think it would be too hard to talk the higher ups that this would be the perfect project to put some marketing money into."

"You mean like a sponsorship?" I asked almost not believing my luck.

"Exactly like a sponsorship. How soon do you think you can get the car ready?"

"Well if I can talk Chip into the deal, I should be able to have it ready to go for the season opener in Homestead."

"I’ll call my people in the morning and have them meet you at the shop Monday. How’s that sound?" Tina asked me.

"Tina, if you weren’t married, I’d kiss you." I laughed.

"And if you weren’t so cute when you’re happy, I’d be offended you didn’t." she told me with a wink.

I called Chip from my hotel and told him the idea. He was a bit reluctant at first but I told him that if anyone could sell it to the league, it was him. He told me he’d do his best, and that he’d set up a meeting with the league right after the first of the year. I agreed and went to work to get the hand controls in place so I could surprise Jess for Christmas. The down side was that I was going to miss another Christmas with my son. I’ll make it up to him. I’m going to have a little surprise in store for the next time I get a chance to get home and visit with Sarah, Patrick and Isabelle.

I showed up at the hospital on Christmas day and talked the nurse into letting Jess out under my care for the day. She could always read me like a book so she knew there was something up my sleeve when I got her in my truck and started heading out of Indianapolis in the direction of the shop.

"Alright, where are we going on such a nipple whipping cold day." she asked as she reached over and cranked up the heater.

"Just relax. Can’t a friend help another friend get some fresh air?"

"Ok, I guess, but where are we going?"

"It’s a surprise. Just sit back and relax." I told her as we pulled up to the shop. She just looked at me like I’d lost my mind. "Come on let’s get inside." I told her.

"What are we doing here? You know I can’t drive." she told me as she started to cry.

"Just relax." I told her as I hugged her. "I told you, I have a surprise for you."

I wheeled her into the shop and lead her over to the car I had covered up with a tarp. I yanked the tarp off and beamed at her with joy as I yelled. "Merry Christmas."

She just looked at the car, then back at me, then back at the car. "What the hell is this Toni? You know I can’t drive anymore. HELLO! I can’t move my fucking legs."

"You don’t have to. Tina from Extreme Servo’s Inc set me up with some of their products. This car is completely hand operated." I told her smiling from ear to ear.

She looked over the car and then caught eye of the hand controls on the steering wheel. Her eyes started to water as she looked at me an realized that her dream of driving race cars wasn’t over after all.

"Oh, Toni!" she finally said wiping the tears from her face. "You didn’t have to do this."

"Have to, no. Need to, to help my friend. Most definitely." I bent down to hug her

We embraced for what seemed like forever when my cell went off. I checked the caller ID and saw that it was Chip, right on time.

"Hey Chip."

"Well? You gonna make me ask, or are you going to tell me if she said yes?"

"I haven’t asked her yet, why don’t you do it?" I told him handing Jess the phone.

I can only guess as to what he actually asked her, but from the looks on her face she was giving, I can surmise that he asked her if she wanted another shot at INDY. She told him "most definitely." as she handed me back the phone.

"We’ll be there Chip. And one more thing. Thank you." I said as I hung up.

"Well we need to get you back to the hospital and get you a release so we can get you to the test." I told Jess.

"Just let them try and stop me." she told me with that smile she has. The one I hadn’t seen in a while.

We spoke to the doctors and while reluctant to release her, they did, and cleared her to drive again. So she came back to my place with me and we got her ready for the test and the press conference after. We met Chip at the track bright and early the next morning and the top officials from the league were there for the test.

Jess climbed into the car by herself and strapped herself in like she always did. We had put her in the car at the shop to make sure she knew where everything was and when the safety official went over the different parts of the controls with her she could find them without any problem. He gave her the all set and we cranked the engine to life. I got on the headset and started my normal speech to her like I always had.

"Ok, just take it easy for a few laps. Feel the car out, and let the tires get some heat into them. Don’t go crazy. Just relax and have fun out there. No pressure."

"Ok mom." she shot back at me

I was like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs as she started her warm up laps. I trusted Tina but was still worried about what if something went wrong. All I could do was watch as Jess made some relatively slow laps to let the temperatures come up in both the motor and the tires. I glanced over at the league officials and they were actually smiling as she went by.

"How’s it feel out there?" I asked her out of concern.

"I’m dropping the hammer." she laughed as I heard the revs come up on the engine and she took off like a scalded dog.

"No you’re not! DAMN IT JESS!" I screamed at her over the radio, then just shook my head, knowing I couldn’t stop her.

After a few laps she was flirting with the track record again and I thought that was enough. I looked at the head official and he nodded to me with a smile.

"Alright lead foot, that’s enough for now. Bring it in."

She pulled into the garage area and the safety officials met her before she could even unbuckle. They wanted to test to see how quickly she could get out of the car if she needed to. So they pulled out a stopwatch and someone yelled go, and before I could even think, she was out of the car and sitting on the ground at the feet of the officials. I helped her into her chair and waited for the officials to render their decision.

Chip came over to us and like I always told him, he should never play poker. He was beaming from ear to ear as he told us that we did it. They were letting Jess drive again. I hugged Jess and then helped her clean up for the press conference that Chip had scheduled for after the test.

It was a sea of flash bulbs as I followed Jess in to the media room. She had insisted on wheeling herself in since the last time most of these people had seen her they were taking her out of the track on a back board. We took our seats next to Chip and just sat there as he told the world the news.

"Earlier today, under the watchful eye of the top league officials, Jessica made a test run in a car that had been outfitted with special hand controls. She passed every test they gave her, including being able to extricate herself from the car incase of emergency. I am pleased to re-introduce to you all my driver for the upcoming season, Jessica Zimpkin." he said with a smile and went over to hug Jess, who wheeled herself over to the podium and started answering questions.

She pointed to Bod Dilner from ESPN "Go ahead Bob."

"Jess, that was a heck of a crash. Do you think you can put it out of your head and really drive the car like you used to?"

"If I didn’t think I could do it, I wouldn’t be here. I’ve never been one for a dog and pony show." she informed him. As I whispered to her so only she could here me. "Hey lady, you want to see a donkey?" Which of course was making note of when we went to TJ, after one of the races out west. And like I thought she fought to stop from laughing.

"Ok, Dave?" as she pointed to Dave Dispane from Speed.

"What made you want to come back after nearly being killed last season?"

She just shook her head a quoted Richard Petty. "You can take the driver out of the track but you’ll never get the track out of the driver. Racing is all I’ve ever wanted to do since my dad strapped me into my first quarter midget when I was 4. Think what you will. Say I have a death wish if you want. But if I go, I want to go with my helmet on." she told them all as the tears started to flow. "Alright, who’s next?" she asked

"Who built the controls for your new car?" came a question from the back.

"I’ll turn things over to Toni. She built the car so I’m sure she can answer any technical questions you have." Jess said as she wheeled herself away from the podium and I stepped up.

"The car uses the latest in servo actuated controls from Extreme Servo’s. The crew there hooked us up with everything we’d need to allow Jess to be able to control the car with just two hands." I told them as I held up the steering wheel from the car. "Here’s her throttle lever, her brake, and clutch are on the other side. And these buttons are for the air shifter." I went thru and demonstrated the controls. "It’s actually very similar to the old Honda single seat dune buggies. The throttle is monitored by computer and then everything is fed to the TPS. The brakes were going to be my biggest headache until the league announced that ABS was legal now. So I basically did the same thing with the brakes, having a computer monitor the lever, then feed a servo attached to the master cylinder. The clutch is just a straight shot at the servo, with no computer monitor." I told them and then held the wheel still so they could get a good look at it. "Extreme Servo’s even hooked us up with a safety override. So that all she has to do is hit this button here, and every servo returns to it’s home position. Which is full off for the throttle, and full on for the brakes. Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at the future of our sport. This will be the safest car on the track at the season opener in Homestead, period." I looked around and smiled for the cameras as the flash bulbs made me think a strobe light was going off.

When all was said and done, we answered questions for over 2 hours and after it was over Chip pulled us aside and had the most serious talk I’d ever remembered having with him.

"Promise me, that whatever happens from here on out. We win INDY."

Jess and I just nodded at him and we went back to my place and just crashed into bed after a long day.

To be continued:

The media fire storm we created with the press conference was crazier then when we won the sprint car nationals. Larry King even had us both on to talk about why she was doing it.

"Is this a publicity stunt, or are you really going to try to race the other drivers, with just hand controls?" he asked

"Why is it that when someone with a disability tries to overcome their little problem, the world assumes that they are just out for the glory." she asked. Then in a mocking tone she continued. "Oh, look at me I’m a girl in a wheelchair but I drove in a race car, everyone come look at the freak!" She was getting hot now. I’d never seen her this fired up. "If you, or anyone else for that matter think for one second that I’m going to just go out there and just turn laps, and not drive what’s left of my ass off in that race car to make sure my sponsor ends up in victory lane, and have my face engraved as the first woman ever to win the Indianapolis 500. You are sadly mistaken. I am a racer MISTER King. I have been a racer since I was 4 years old. The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do is drive faster then anyone else on the track that day. It’s all I still think about. You see this wheel chair and you take pity on me." she put her hand on my shoulder. "My best friend saw me in this chair and knew that I was proving the doctors wrong. The same people who told me I’d be a quadriplegic for the rest of my life. I proved them wrong by being able to use my arms better then I did before the crash. Toni saw me and didn’t take pity on me, she saw me as a friend and tried to help me get back to doing what I love to do. Drive race cars. People act like I’m the only person in the world doing this. Guess what, I’m not. Does the name Alex Zanardi ring a bell? Let me clue you in. Indy car champion, who went to Formula 1 and then lost the use of his legs in a bad crash. Guess what? He’s still driving race cars. He’s still winning races. He’s still winning championships. Are you asking him if this is a publicity stunt? No, because I’m a woman, you try to hold me to a different standard. That’s BULL....!" they bleeped out the rest of her statement.

"You bring up and interesting point Jessica. Joining us live via satellite from Germany, is Alex Zanardi. Welcome Alex." Larry told us as Alex’s face came on the monitor.

"Thanks for having me"

"Let’s get right down to it. Is Jessica being held to a different set of standards just because she’s a woman?"

"Yes she is Larry, and I too think it’s bull...." they bleeped him out too. "She’s a driver. When we race on the track, it doesn’t matter to a driver if the person in the other car is a man, woman, or hermaphrodite. They are another driver and all you want to do is out drive them. So everyone making a big deal about her trying to come back needs to lighten up. I think she’s lucky to have such a great friend who wants to help her succeed. And Toni, when you are done playing in the US, look me up, I could use a person like you building my race cars."

I was floored, here was a man I grew up watching race and he was asking me to build him a car. I haven’t looked at the tape yet, but I’ll bet my face was beet red from the shock. Then it dawned on me, he used to drive for Chip too.

"How about you come back here, and we knock the racing world on it’s ass by having the first 1, 2 finish in INDY history by paraplegic drivers?" I shot back with a big smile on my face, and I could see the gears turning in his head as he thought about it.

"Let me talk to Chip about it." he said just before we went to break.

A couple days later as I was tuning the computers on the car, Chip came up to me and was laughing his head off.

"Can you tell me why I just got a call from Alex?" Chip asked me.

"Uh, because I told him that if he came back to drive for you, I’d build him a car just like I did for Jess."

"Yeah, then tell me why I’m paying you what I’m paying you?"

"Because you know no one else is better suited to handle Jess then I am."

He just looked at me and handed me an envelope. As I took it from him my mind started to race. I’ve seen this scenario played out many times. There is a check and a pink slip in there. So I went on the offensive. "What? You’re going to fire me? Just like that? Because I think I can give you a 1, 2 finish at INDY with two drivers that are both in wheel chairs? You know what. FUCK YOU! All I’ve done is take shit from officials and more shit from the press. Fuck it! I don’t need it!" I was fuming and Chip just stared at me.

"Uh, ok, maybe I should give you a bigger raise?" he said like a kid that had just been sent home from school with a note from the teacher.

"Wait, what? Raise? You mean this isn’t a pink slip?" I asked in shock and now embarrassment.

"Uh, no. why would I fire the woman who just gave me the biggest marketing ploy of all time. You’re a genius Toni. The only way you’re leaving Chip Ganassi Racing is when YOU decide it’s over."

"Oh, wow, I need some time off. I think I’m starting to crack up. Sorry about that Chip. It’s just that I’ve seen this before. Someone makes a statement on national TV and the next thing they know, they are looking for another job." I told him rubbing my head.

"Take the afternoon off. Go relax. Do something to get your mind right." he told me with a smile. " Tell you what. Take the jet, go home, visit your family and just relax. We’ll see you next week."

"Wow, um, thanks Chip. Damn. Look, sorry about the whole F, you thing."

"Don’t worry about it. You said it yourself. You’ve been under a lot of stress. So take some time. With pay. And go enjoy yourself." he kissed me on the forehead and sent me on my way.

I packed and met the plane at the corporate terminal at the airport and headed back to Syracuse. I had a rental car waiting for me when I got there, so I could surprise my mom, and Sarah. I stopped at a nearby flower shop and got a couple bouquets, then headed for mom’s office. I went up to her floor and then stood there at the front counter with the flowers in front of my face so you really couldn’t tell it was me.

"Excuse me, I have a delivery for Michelle." I told the receptionist.

"Let me page her." she told me as she called into mom’s office. Mom came out and had a puzzled look on her face as I held the flowers so she couldn’t tell it was me.

"Who are these from?" she asked as she reached for the vase.

"Your kid." I told her as I pulled the flowers down, and then stood there as mom hugged me with tears in her eyes.

"What are you doing here? Isn’t this your busy time?"

"Chip told me to take a week and just relax. I’ve been under a lot of stress and he knew I needed to just chill. So he lent me his jet to fly home." I told her giggling and crying with her.

Mom took an early lunch and we just chatted over a sandwich. I told her I’d call her later after I saw Sarah, and Patrick, as she went back to work and I went to Sarah’s. She was pulling in her driveway just as I was pulling up in front of her house. So I tried the same trick but Patrick had seen me. And came running to hug me, as Sarah just looked shocked that I was there.

"Hey sport, how was school today?" I asked him as he hugged my waist.

"We just got back from the MOST!" he told me.

"Cool, I used to love going there when I was a kid." he smiled and ran into the house as Sarah told him to let the dog out. "These are for you." I told her as I held out the bouquet as we both stood there in the middle of the sidewalk in the middle of February in Syracuse, freezing our tit’s off.

"Um, thanks, you want to come in?" she asked as she took the flowers from me.

"That would be nice." I said as I helped her with her bags from the store. "So how were the holidays?"

"They were pretty un-eventful for once. No major drama, or anything weird happening."

"Did Pat get the gifts I sent him?"

"Oh, you mean the complete collection from both legos and hot wheels? Yes, and I think you need to explain to him that he needs to pick up his cars when he’s done playing with them."

"Yeah, I was the same way as a kid." I told her giggling. "Did you get the gifts I sent you and Isabelle?"

She looked me in the eyes and smiled. "Yes. She just loves the Barbie play house you got her, and the tea set is used every night before she’ll go to sleep. The sweater you sent for me is lovely. The skirt goes great with the shirt my mom got me. And the necklace was adorable. Thank you." she said as she kissed me.

"Did you look in the locket?"

"No, I thought it was just a plain cameo."

"No, here." I told her as I pulled the locket open and showed her the three pictures inside. One was of her and I as Pat from when we first started dating. The other on the outer was of her and I from INDY. And the third was of her, Patrick, Isabelle and myself. She started to cry. "It’s a past, present and future locket."

"I don’t know what to say."

"Don’t say anything, just gimme a hug." I told her as I took her in my arms. Just as Patrick came back in with the dog.

"Mommy, why are you crying?" he asked.

"Because mommy’s happy honey." she told him as she pulled him into our hug and I hoisted him onto my hip.

"Wow, you’re getting big aren’t you?" I asked my son.

"Yes I am momma Toni. I’m the tallest kid in my class." he informed me with a beaming grin. Then it dawned on me that he called me momma. My son for the first time since I’d met him, had acknowledged me as part of him. All I could do was stand there and cry and hug my boy as is tried to look at Sarah. I couldn'y speak so I had to mouth the words ‘thank you’ to her while I tried to wipe the tears away.

"Tell you what, let’s go out to dinner, it’s Friday and I’m taking my family out." I told Sarah and Patrick.

"So what time are we picking your mom up?" she asked me.

"No, I was thinking of something else." I told her as I got down on one knee and pulled a box from my pocket. I opened it and showed the ring inside to Patrick. "Do you think mommy would like to have this?"

"Wow, mommy Toni, that’s as big as the ring Uncle James gave Aunt Amanda." he smiled at me. "Mommy always said she liked her ring."

"Ok, now for the important question. If it’s alright with mommy, would you like to be one big family?" I asked him as Sarah started to cry.

"Would I? You mean it? You’re gonna come and live with us and Isabelle?" he asked beaming more.

"We’d all live together, that is if your mom says yes to me." I told him as I turned the ring box to Sarah, and reached for her hand.

She nodded and squeaked out a yes as she held out her hand for me to put the diamond on. Then pulled me up to her and hugged me tight. Just like the first time I asked her to marry me. I whispered into her ear as she held on to me. "Where is the baby?"

"Mandy and James are bringing her by in a little while."

"Good so you and I get to share the happy news with your sister, who last time she actually spoke to me, told me to move my skinny ass off her cooler, while you and I were having an important conversation." I told her with a pseudo smile.

"It’ll be alright. She and I’ve talked since then and she’s actually alright with you being around again." she told me with a smile.

"So no drama like we had on valentines a few years back?"

"Nope. If she starts to get pissy, just remember that your son is here and don’t do anything."

"I know. I’ll keep my cool." I told her as I hugged her. "Besides tonight is about celebrating you." I told her as I playfully poked her in the nose then kisses her.

As if on cue JD and Mandy walked in with the baby. As I broke off the kiss, I saw Mandy standing there open mouthed just looking at me. I smiled and waved from the kitchen as she let the baby down off her hip and Patrick ran to hug her. After they got their coats off, Patrick and Isabelle went upstairs to go play while the "adults" had a chat in the living room.

"Well? Are you going to tell them?" I asked Sarah with a giggle.

"Tell us what?" Mandy asked with a "WTF" look on her face.

"This." was all Sarah said as she held out her hand with the ring I had made for her. It’s normally called a mothers band. It had several stones inlayed in a gold band, usually consisting of the month stone for the wedding and then the birth months of the children. I had them change it slightly and have the center stone sit up a little. Then I had Patrick’s and Isabelle’s birth stones put in to flank the center diamond, which I had gotten from my dad. It was the original stone he had given mom in their engagement ring.

Mandy was speechless for the first time in all the time I’d known her. She just kept looking at the ring, then at Sarah, then at me and then back to the ring. JD was the first to break the ice.

"Wow, that’s a nice ring Sarah. So does this mean what I think it means?" he asked.

Sarah nodded and Mandy got up and hugged her sister tight. I stood and JD shook my hand, then we just stood there waiting for the tender sister moment to finish.

"Do mom and dad know yet?" Mandy asked.

"No. Toni only asked me about 2 minutes before you guys showed up."

Mandy looked at me with a straight face then started to smile as she reached out and pulled me into a hug, while whispering in my ear. "If you hurt her, I will find you and kill you a slow painful death."

"You won’t have to. If I hurt her, I’ll kill myself." I whispered back.

"Ok, lets get the kids ready, I’m taking us all out to dinner." I told everyone.

We had a quiet sit down dinner at "Dominic’s", a little Italian place in Syracuse and thought it would be a nice place to enjoy the meal. Patrick and Isabelle surprised me with how well behaved they both were while we all ate. After dinner I asked Sarah if it would be alright if we stopped by the toy store.

"Good kids like ours deserve something for behaving like a perfect little lady and gentleman." I told her.

"Ok, but nothing too big." she told me. As I giggled.

We got to the toy store and she went with Isabelle and I took Patrick, or more like my son took me to the same part of the store I always made a bee-line for when I was his age. We picked out a couple of the larger Hot Wheels cars and then went to find his mom and sister, who were drooling over the latest in dolls.

"Find any you like honey?" I asked Isabelle. Who just nodded. "Ok, which ones do you want?"

She pointed to a couple of dolls and I smiled at her as I plucked them from the shelf for her. I handed her the boxes as we made our way to the checkout. We met JD and Mandy back at Sarah’s house, and I asked them if they would mind watching the kids while Sarah and I went to break the news to my mom.

"Ok, but her curfew is 10pm, and no funny stuff." Mandy said with a giggle, trying to sound like a mom.

"Ok, mom." Sarah shot back as she stuck out her tongue at her younger sister.

"Ok, you know where everything is. Here’s my cell number, and Sarah’s cell, my mom’s cell, and Doug’s. Here’s their house number. The number for poison control, and if anything happens just call 911. Lock the door behind us and don’t answer the phone or the door. There are some weirdo’s in this neighborhood and we don’t want anything to happen to you kids." I shot back, trying to play the part of parent talking to a teen babysitter, to which I was met with a finger from Mandy. We all had a laugh over the whole thing and then Sarah and I went to go see mom.

We pulled up around 9pm and I had called mom on my cell to make sure she was still up. She let us into the building and then we all sat in the living room as Doug made coffee for he and I and some tea for mom and Sarah. Once everyone was there I turned to Sarah and smiled.

"You want to tell her or do you want me to do it?" I asked.

"Tell us what? Mom asked as she looked at me, then at Sarah.

"I’m going to be a part of my son’s life mom. I asked Sarah to marry me tonight and she said yes." I told her beaming with happiness.

Mom stood up and hugged Sarah then asked to see the ring. Sarah held out her hand and mom smiled as she apparently recognized the stone I’d had used for the center. She hugged me and then asked if we’d set a date.

"No, not yet mom. There’s still a few things to work out." I told her.

"Ok, well are you moving back to Syracuse or is Sarah moving to Indianapolis with you?"

"That’s one of the things we need to work out." I said.

"I’ll be moving to Indy. JD and Mandy will be in Belvedere, so they won’t be too far away."

"Wow, I guess I’ll have to talk to Chip and the crew at the shop to see if they know which are the good schools to have you teach at then huh?" I asked

"That’s one option." Sarah told me with a sly grin.

"Or you could home school the kids and make sure they both get the best education around." I shot back with a smile, which was met with a big hug from Sarah.

"We can talk about that too." she told me as she looked at her watch. "It’s getting late and we need to get back before "momma Mandy" has kittens."

I hugged mom and Doug, and told her I’d call her to meet up for lunch tomorrow. As Sarah and I went out to the car I asked her to call Mandy and tell her we were on our way, that way she wouldn’t worry. She did, and we got back to the house just a bit before 10pm. Sarah went to put her key in the door and I grabbed her and pulled her into a very romantic kiss right there on the front steps. It kind of reminded me of when we used to date and I’d walk her to the door after every date. Suddenly the light came on and there was Mandy standing in the doorway grinning.

"I thought I said no funny stuff missy?" She held back a giggle as she tried to sound stern.

"Yes mom." Sarah shot back, rolling her eyes.

We said good-bye to JD and Mandy and then got ready for bed. I went to check on the kids while Sarah washed up. I looked in on Isabelle first, as she slept there looking like the complete angel she is. I made sure not to squeak the door as I gently shut it. When I peeked in on Patrick, I saw him laying there cuddling with a plush Grave Digger monster truck. This immediately brought back the memory of my dad taking me to my first monster truck show when I was his age. The tears started to roll down my cheek as I felt Sarah’s soft hand and arm wrap around my waist. She smiled and wiped the tears away for me as she pulled the door shut and took me by the hand to the bedroom.

"From what I learned from your dad," she told me hugging me tight. "he’s more like you then you’ll ever know."

"Yeah, that’s what scares the hell out of me. I know what I was like growing up." I started to giggle, as I wiped more tears away. "I guess the mother’s curse is holding true. ‘I hope you have one just like you."

"I hope he grows up to be just like you too." Sarah told me with a kiss on the cheek. As she snuggled me close as we both drifted off to sleep.

I awoke to the sound of my cell phone going off, and Sarah moaning for me to shut it off.

"This is Toni."

"Toni, it’s Kahlene. Did I wake you?"

"Yeah, what time is it?"

"It’s 3am here, so that would put it 6am you’re time?"

"What are you doing up Kahlene?"

"I couldn’t sleep. Look, there’s trouble brewing, and I wanted you give you a heads up."

"Ok, what is it this time?" I asked with a sigh.

"It’s Breck. He’s been telling everyone that you had a sex change and you tried to hit on him when you worked out here so that’s why he fired you."

"You’re shitting me right?" I asked trying to comprehend what she was telling me.

"I wish I were. He showed up drunk the other night with a news crew and they were asking all about you."

"What did you tell them?"

"Just you were the best mechanic I ever had work for me, and if I could have afforded to keep you on when you quit Breck, that I’d still have you working for me today."

"Thanks, that means a lot." I told her and tried to clear my head. "What did you say about my um... sex?"

"I told them to take a good look at Breck. Then asked what a good looking woman like yourself would ever want with a drunk like him." she told me with a slight laugh.

"Seriously? What’s he thinking? How did he know who I was?"

"I think one of the kids let it slip. Don’t worry though, I think he’s lost most of his credibility with the media."

"Well that might explain about the incident on MTV last year."

"He already admitted to that. He thinks it’s a bunch of shit that you’re making something of your life and he’s pretty much lost everything. He even wrapped his car around a tree the other night on the way home from the bar."

"Was there anyone else in the car with him?"

"No, he was alone. Melissa and the kids were here."

"Good, that’s a relief. At least he didn’t hurt anyone but himself."

"So what are you going to do Toni?"

"I have to make a phone call." I told her with a sigh. "Look, here’s what I need you to do. Tell Melissa that the kids need to stay away from him for the next couple days. And that if there are any loose ends she needs to tie up, get it taken care of today. She won’t have a chance after I make that call., and thanks Kah. If you ever need anything, let me know." I told her.

"Well now that you mention it. We’ll be running Bren in the little 500, so if you could stop down that would be great."

"I wouldn’t miss it for the world." I told her. "See you there."

As I hung up the phone I grabbed my brief case and started looking for the number I needed for the law firm for the University. I found it and then went down stairs to start breakfast for Sarah and the kids. When they finally came down, I had a stack of french toast and bacon waiting on the table. It felt good to play the parent roll with my son and his sister. I guess I should start calling her my daughter since we’ll be one big family before too much longer. The kids devoured the food and then went to go play as Sarah sat there sipping her tea while I cleaned up.

"Who called at oh dark thirty this morning?"

"It was Kahlene. You remember her, she’s the woman I worked for out in Arizona."

"Yeah, but what the hell was she calling at such and early hour for?"

"She couldn’t sleep. She had to tell me that there might be a problem brewing." I said, and then told her everything Kahlene told me.

"So what are you going to do Toni?"

I looked at the clock and saw it was near time for someone to be in the law office. "I have to make a phone call. I don’t think this is going to be pretty, but I need to do this. It’s all part of the deal I made with the university with my settlement." I told her. She just nodded, and left me there to do what I had to do, while she went to check on the kids.

I got a hold of the lawyer who had handled my case before and recanted everything that I had been told earlier. To say he was disturbed by the events would be a gross understatement. Livid would be more appropriate. He told me that it would be taken care of and that I needn’t worry about this happening again, at least not from Breck.

A couple days later I heard from Kahlene that Breck had been put into a psych ward and was being given heavy doses of anti-psychotics. I didn’t ask her who admitted him, nor did I call the lawyer to ask either. I didn’t want to know.

Sarah and I spent the next week together, trying to set a time frame for the wedding. It amazes me how much has changed since I first changed. When I was going to marry Britt, we had to move to Canada because NY didn’t recognize same sex marriage. Now here it is a couple years later and we have a female president, and it’s now legal in the entire country to do so. Sarah told me that she really wanted to home school the kids, and we had talked about it before. Back when I was Pat, we had both thought it was a good idea, if we had the ways and means to do it. Now here we are, and it is becoming a reality.

We set the date for the weekend after INDY. That way I would be assured to have an off weekend, and be able to help finalize the ceremony. Of course Mandy is going to be Sarah’s matron of honor, and Marah will be her maid of honor. I asked Jess to be my maid of honor, and she made me a promise that she’d be there standing by my side. I don’t doubt her for a moment that she’ll do it either.

As much fun as it was for me to go back to Syracuse, I needed to get back to the shop and finish putting the finishing touches on the car for the season opener. No worries though because Sarah and the kids are going to be moving to Indianapolis with me in a couple of weeks. I kissed the kids and gave my bride to be a long hug and a soft kiss as I got on the plane to fly back. On the flight I couldn’t help but let my mind drift to strange thoughts, and how my life sounds like one lame story written by a guy who REALLY needs to get out of the house more often. And if I ever meet this guy, I’m going to kick his ass up and down pit row at Daytona.

The pilot woke me up just before we touched down in INDY, He had let Chip know that I was inbound and Chip had asked if I could meet him at the shop. I collected my things and loaded my bags into my truck then headed to find out what was so important for Chip to want to see me about. I pulled into the parking lot and could see that most of the crew was there, which was strange for a weekend, but I didn’t think too much of it, since we were trying to get a second car ready for the season. I made my way into the office and found Chip."

"What’s up Chip? You wanted to see me?" I asked as I walked in to find him doing some work in the computer.

"Toni, glad to see you made it back in one piece. How was Syracuse?"

"Great. I’m getting married."

"Congratulations, who’s the lucky girl?"

"A dear old friend." I told him, not wanting to drop the bomb about her also being the mother of my son.

"Have a seat, we need to talk." he told me with the most serious look I’ve ever seen on his face. I shut the door and took a seat, preparing for the worst. "Let me start by saying that I meant what I said before you left for Syracuse. You are NOT, and I repeat, not being fired. But I do need you to level with me. I have some reports here that I just can’t wrap my head around. When you were on MTV last year, I didn’t think much of it at the time, I thought it was someone just screwing with you, but here are 3 different reports that you used to be a guy. If you had a sex change, I don’t care. You are with out a doubt the best racing mind I’ve ever met and there is no way I’m letting you go. But what gives?"

I was floored. I didn’t know what to do at this point, so I felt that since Chip always shot straight with me, I’d do the same with him.

"Yes, I did used to be a guy." I told him and you could see all the color drain from his face. "However, I did not have sexual reassignment surgery. What happened to me was a freak accident involving some toxic waste that had been dumped illegally behind the college near where Jess, Britt and I went to school. I have an idea of what you’re going thru right now Chip." I told him with a worried look on my face. "It’s kind of a hard thing to come to grips with." I said as I watched him look at me, trying to think.

"Um, do you have any pictures of what you used to look like?" he asked me. So I pulled out the picture book Sarah had made for me as basically a time line of my life. She had gotten my baby pictures from my mom, and some of me with my quarter midgets. Then there were pictures of me playing soccer, baseball, football and basketball as I grew up. Then my highschool track picture, and a copy of my yearbook photo. Opiee had given her some pictures of me from college, and then she had the picture of myself and Morgan Shepherd at the Brickyard 400 when I worked for him. That was the one Chip stopped on. I had never noticed before, but in the corner of the picture I had, you could see Chip and his driver at the time in the cup talking. They had been right behind us in qualifying. He looked at the picture then back at me, then back at the picture, then back at me.

"You know Toni, I remember when this was taken. You and that big blond kid that worked with you were the only two on that crew that presented yourselves in a professional manner. If I had known that you were unhappy at Morgan’s I would have offered you a job myself, back then."

"Wow, thanks Chip. That means a lot to me. But keep going, the next section after the photos of me with Kahlene are of the change at the hospital." I told him and he started to flip the page.

The next photos were of myself with Kahlene and Brendan when I worked on their cars. Then there was a couple more photos from Opiee, from Hell Night, before the accident. Then came the hospital photo’s. I could watch all the color drain from Chips face again. This was the first time he’d seen me "sans clothing" so he blushed a bit, but the rest of his face was pale as a ghost. He finished the hospital photos and then saw me going thru as Psi Sigma Psi, and then Britt and I getting married. The final page was of the Sprint Nationals, and then of the Cup banquet, and the final picture was one taken before I left Syracuse, of Sarah, Isabelle, Patrick and myself. Chip saw me holding Patrick and then smiled at me.

"Your son looks just like you Toni. Well that is to say..." he stumbled over what to say.

"I know what you mean Chip. The thing that scares the hell out of me is that he acts like I did at his age too." I told him giggling. "So now you know the truth, what do we do now?"

"We don’t do anything." he told me with a Cheshire cat grin on his face. "We let the lawyers handle it. If anyone asks just refer them to the lawyers, and say no comment."

"You’re the boss. I’ll try to keep my cool, but I make no guaranties."

"So when is the wedding?" he asked me trying to lighten the mood.

"The weekend after INDY." I told him.

"Am I to assume that Sarah is the mother of your son?"

"Um, yeah, it’s a long story, but I do have something to ask you if it’s alright."

"Ask away. I don’t think there is anything you could ask me that would be near as bad as I just had you go thru for me."

"Okay." I told him as I started to bite my upper lip. "Well you know my father passed away a couple years back. And well, you’re as close to a father figure as I have in my life right now Chip." I started to sweat, as I tried to think of how to ask him.

"And you want me to walk you down the isle?"

"Well, if you’re free that weekend..."

"I’d be honored to give away one of the brides." he told me as he stood up and walked around the desk to give me a tender, fatherly hug.

"Thanks Chip. You know, I think that with everything that’s gone on in my life, you’re the first person who I’ve met, other then Sarah, of course, who I feel safe enough around to open up to. I mean, I’ve opened up a little to Jess, but most of my energy is spent trying to keep her safe, that I just can’t let go. I think you learned more about my life in these past 30 minutes then she has in the past 4 years."

"Then I should be thanking you for letting me into your inner sanctum." he smiled as we both got ready to head out for the day. "Oh, one more thing. Alex is coming in tomorrow to get fitted for his new car. And he requested that you be here to do it."

"Just try to keep me away." I told him as I picked up my book and then headed out for home.

Author’s note:

I know there are a number of you who have enjoyed the story of Toni and the roller coaster that is her life. I have enjoyed writing it and letting my mind dive into the world of what would it be like if I actually became Toni. Truth be told however, I myself have become jaded with the plot. I have no one to blame but myself. It’s not that I can’t come up with new ideas of things for the girl to get into. It’s that I feel the entire story has gotten stale. Thus this chapter will be used as a "Deus Ex Machina." What that means is that the plot takes a twist that is so completely out of left field that it can make the reader shake their head and ask "What the fuck?"

I could kill off another character, but I’m not really in the mood to do that. I don’t want to fall into the trap so many other writers fall into when they struggle for new ideas. "Lets kill Bobby." Then 5 seasons later you bring him back and it was only a woman’s dream that he died in the first place. Or, "Kids, meet your cousin Oliver." Come on, you’re really reaching on that one. Or my all time favorite... "Uncle Jessie, when are Van and Coy due in?" Which was the death toll for the Dukes of Hazard.

Those who are left are a big part of my own life, and wouldn’t feel right to just off them in a story. Those who have passed in past chapters were a friend and my own father who did pass. I had started writing this a few years ago, but only mustered up the guts to post this for others to read earlier this past year, (2007). I know there will be some of you who will read this and be tempted to send me hate mail. Please, by all means do. I enjoy reading what those who’ve read my work think of it, but I also ask that before you do, please remember that I’m not giving up on writing. I’m simply choosing to re start this story since I don’t want to just let it sit around for months on end until I can come up with new ideas for Toni, and her world. I will be basically starting the story over, and allow our heroine to use what has happened to her before to help shape her future.

I have posted some other stories already, and sincerely hope you my dear reader will take the time if you already haven’t to please take a look at them. I do make you all this promise, I will continue to write, and take into consideration what those who’ve taken the time to give me feedback think. Thank you for enjoying this story, and I hope to hear from you all soon.

Much love.

Toni

The weeks that followed my getting back to the shop kept me busier then a one legged woman in an ass kicking contest. First there was getting Alex fitted into his new ride. Then came all the press conferences, and media days. Followed by testing, and finally the season starting. Let me tell you, Miami really knows how to throw a party when it comes time to go racing. The opening day was like being at the circus. There were bands and fireworks, and I think I spotted a real circus set up just outside the main gate.

I was a bundle of nerves when I arrived at the track. Don’t get me wrong, I’m normally nervous, but today I thought my heart was trying to beat it’s way out of my chest. Jess was making her comeback, and Alex was coming back from racing over in Europe for about 10 years. This would be his first oval in all that time, and here Jess was climbing back into the car for an actual race for the first time since her crash at INDY last season. To compound things, Sarah, Patrick and Isabelle had been snowed in, so they couldn’t fly down for the race. I was sitting in the lounge checking out the weather report when Chip came in.

"Toni, we have a problem." he said to me, not knowing I was already on edge from my own mind running wild.

"FUCK ME! What now?" I shot back as I swirled around in my chair to face him.

"They just set the car down on Robert’s foot. The paramedics are taking him to the hospital for x-rays, but they don’t think he’ll be back for the start of the race." he informed me.

"SHIT!" I said as I pounded my fist on the table. "And no one else on the team can understand a fucking thing Alex is saying about the car."

"Well you can, right?" he asked me sheepishly.

"You’re fucking kidding right?" I asked him with a raised eyebrow. "You want me to Chief two cars? In a race where we’ll be under the microscope as it is, you can stand there and tell me you want me to run both shows, and still make the right calls for both cars?" I shook my head at him. "What am I? Fucking Wonder Woman?"

"Well if it’ll make it easier on you, I can sit on Jess’ box and try to call the shots over there for this one."

"I guess that’s what we’ll have to do. Just instant message me about what she’s saying about the car." I started to giggle as I felt a bit relieved that I wasn’t going to have to go it alone. "Just remember if she ever uses the phrase, ‘it’s a loosie, tightie... kind of like driving an old log wagon.’ that’s a bad thing."

"WHAT?" he asked in shock.

"Jess has her own special way of telling me the car sucks." I said with a giggle. "We were at Daytona one day when Sterling Marlin told his crew chief that. Jess asked him what it meant and adopted it for herself."

"Ok, so a log wagon is a bad thing. Got it."

"She doesn’t talk much if the car is bad. If she’s happy with the feel, she’ll be cracking jokes. But usually I pull the reins and get her focus back. That’s you’re job today." I told him acting like a mother. "I gave her mom my word that her daughter would be alright in the new car."

"Yes, ma’am." he shot back, saluting me like he was in the army.

I left and went to the garage with the latest weather report with me. After I re-mapped the fuel, I went over both cars with wrenches to make sure everything was tight. Then did a visual inspection of both car’s tires. All in all everything looked alright, so I made my way to the drivers meeting.

We were packed in there like sardines. I think every news paper in the world had a reporter on hand to see what would happen when two paraplegic drivers got on the track at the same time. The officials for their part simply welcomed Alex and Jessica back to the series and then informed the whole field of the new ‘Rough Riding’ rule. It was meant to cut down on the blocking the league had seen last season, and they didn’t want any more drivers to get hurt. Once the meeting was over, I took Jess and Alex out a back door since I knew the reporters would be fighting to get some face time with them.

I wanted them to relax and just got them back to the hauler so they both could just take a breath and get their heads clear. It was going to be a long day, and I had to break the news to them both that I’d be sitting on Alex’s pit box today. Jess was a bit put out, but when Chip explained to her that no one else could understand Alex with his heavy accent on the radio but me, she calmed down.

The race itself was going well. Alex and Jess were working together on the track and once they found each other on the track they were a virtual freight train. Nose to tail every lap, just using the draft to pick off the other cars at will. We actually were looking good to go for the win after the last round of pit stops. I took this chance to IM chip and tell him that we’d work with them until the last lap. Then it was game on. I looked over and saw him talk to Jess over the radio and as he looked back at me, he gave me a thumbs up.

Nose to tail they went, just clicking off laps that rivaled those turned in qualifying. They were setting a pace that was sure to be the fastest ever at Miami. The white flag came out and Jess dove low going into turn 1. I started cursing at her, though she couldn’t hear me, for making her move too soon. All I could do was watch on the tv, as Alex got her back down the back straight. She made a move in the middle of 3, and 4 that set her up to be on the inside going through the tri-oval. They were neck and neck and at that point I didn’t care who won, I was just happy they were both still running after the race. Everyone was looking around, and both teams were jumping up and down celebrating, as Chip and I both watched for the replay on tv. I saw that Jess had squeaked out the win by less then the length of the front spoiler and started jumping up and down in joy myself. It was then that one of the guys, bounced into the pit box, and shook it just enough to send me stumbling off the top. The last thing I remember seeing was the ground rushing up at me, then everything went black.

I found myself sitting up in bed panting like I’d just push started a cup car by myself. I looked around but the room was pitch black. I swung my legs around and fumbled for which as I did, I felt someone else in bed with me. I turned it on to see I was in a hotel room.

I tried to climb out of bed carefully so as not to wake up whoever was still sleeping in my bed. The one thing I found was that my arms were hairy as all hell. This is when I made my way to the mirror on the wall. It was me. The old me. I was Pat again. I couldn’t help but feel confused at this point.

"What the fuck?" I asked as I touched my face and watched in the mirror.

"What’s wrong Pat? Cramps again?" came Sarah’s voice.

"What? No, I’m me. I’m not a girl."

"No shit. I think your male part is robbing the blood from your brain. Now shut up and come back to bed."

"No, you don’t get it. I was a woman. I changed into one."

"Are you drunk? What the hell kind of champagne did you get for our anniversary?"

"Wait a minute, where are we?"

"Niagra Falls. Now turn the fucking light off and get back in this bed. I want to cuddle. It’s going to be three weeks before we see each other again."

"Three weeks?" I asked her. "Why so long?"

"Well you’re going to Hell Night next weekend, and then I’m in Philly for the following two weeks. Come on stop playing around. You know this. It’s why we’re here."

"It’s our two year anniversary of when we started dating."

"Good, so you aren’t stupid, just annoying. Now come back to bed."

"Alright." I told her as I made my way back and turned off the light. "You know, I’ve been thinking." I whispered in her ear as I cuddled with her in the bed. "I don’t think I’m going to go to Hell Night after all. Something just doesn’t feel right about it."

"Come on Pat, you love seeing the guys." she told me as she bent in to give me a kiss. "Besides, what’s the worse that could happen?"

To Be Continued...

I was still a bit nervous about going to Alfred for Hell Night, but with much prodding from Sarah, I ended up going. It was good to see the old faces again, and meet the guys who would become the future of the house. All in all, it was a relaxing time. We were up on the hill, and partook in adult beverages until late, when some one said something that sent a chill through my body.

"Hey, I’ve got the munches. Who want’s to go for Chinese food?"

Have you ever had one of those moments of déjB vu? I sat there by the fire and saw that whole dream I’d had flash before my eyes. All I could think to myself was that line Harry Gant used in the movie ‘Stroker Ace’ "Aw hell, here we go again."

We started to make our way down the snow covered hill and déjB vu struck again as I felt my foot slip and I grabbed onto the same tree that I’d done in the dream. Then I heard it.

"Cup check!"

Followed by two quick claps, and a sharp pain in my nuts. The last thing I remember thinking to myself was "I really need to start wearing a cup to these parties." and that was it, before my whole world went black as I tumbled down the hill.

I woke up in the hospital just as they were showering me with hot water to get whatever I’d fallen in off me. I let out a scream and then passed out again as I felt the water scald my skin. The next thing I knew I was in a room and as I opened my eyes there were my parents, Sarah, and my step dad sitting there having a quiet conversation.

"What the hell happened?" came my groggy voice, which was met with a hug from Sarah and my mom.

"You fell down the a hill behind the ‘U’ hun." Sarah informed me.

"All I remember was waking up when they started to spray me with that hot water."

"That was to wash the toxic waste off you." mom said with a concerned look on her face.

"Toxic WHAT?" I shouted, which caused one of the nurses to come in and then leave.

"Calm down." Sarah told me as she held my hand. "You’re going to be alright. They say you’ll be fine, as soon as your hair grows back."

"Fuck." was my only reply as déjB vu struck again.

"We should leave, you need your rest hun." mom said as she gave me a tender kiss on the head.

Sarah, refused to leave. Even when the doctor came in and asked her to step out into the hall, she stayed right there by my side. The doctor told us both that I was found and brought to the hospital by some friends. To which I’d nodded.

"Let me guess, one looks like he could play football, and the other looks like Jeffery Dalmer?" I asked.

"Yes, that’s them." he said in a bit of shock. "So how did you get there?"

"I was at a party at the top of the hill, and then fell as I was coming down."

"I see, so you don’t know about what you landed in?"

"Not a clue. What was it?" I asked

"It was something they dumped behind the bio-chem building. We’re still running tests to see what it was." he said as he saw the look of concern cross my face. "Don’t worry, it wasn’t radio active."

"Well that’s a relief. But you still don’t know what it was right?" Sarah spoke up.

"Not yet, but we’re trying to find out."

He told us that I didn’t have any broken bones but he did want to keep me there for observation for a while to make sure there were no adverse effects from the fall and the bath I’d taken in the chemicals. As he left I started to get an itchy feeling in my chest and started to scratch. Sarah just sat there and held my free hand, with a smile of contentment on her face. The nurse came in a while later and told Sarah that visiting hours were over and that she’d have to leave.

"No she doesn’t. My wife is allowed to stay here as long as she wants." I shot back at the nurse.

"Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Trepasso." she blushed. "We didn’t know you were married."

I held up Sarah’s hand and showed the nurse the diamond there and then made a hand sign for her to shoo. My bride to be just smiled at me, knowing that all I really wanted to do at that point was spend time with her. She walked over and shut my door, then after shutting off the main lights, she climbed into bed with me and we cuddled. It felt good to hold Sarah again, but two things were bothering the shit out of me. The first was that damn itch I had in my chest, and the other was the constant feeling of déjB vu, that I couldn’t shake.

I woke up the next morning and climbed out of bed to go take care of my morning ritual. As I stood there in the bathroom, I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. I still looked the same as I’d always looked except for the cuts and bruises, but when I bent down to wash my hands, I caught a glimpse of my chest down the front of the hospital gown. My itchy chest looked swollen and actually felt warm to the touch. I went back to the bed and woke up Sarah.

"Hey hun, wake up. Something’s not right." I told her, gently shaking her.

"Huh? What’s wrong Pat?"

"My chest. It’s swollen and warm." I told her as I pulled down the top of the gown.

"Wow, it is pretty red. Does it hurt?"

"A little. It itches more then anything."

"My breasts itch when they are starting to grow." she told me as I plopped down in a chair and just looked at her slack jawed, as déjB vu hit again.

Sarah, has one of those rare conditions where her breasts never really stop growing like most women her age would experience. Every once and a while, usually a couple of times a year, she finds she has to buy new bra’s because her old ones just don’t fit any more. Since I’ve known her, she’s gone from a 38D, to a 38 G. I always kid her that at the rate she’s going, she’ll be in custom ones by the time the wedding gets here. But all I could do was think of that damn dream I’d had that night in Niagra Falls.

The nurse came in to take my vital signs and Sarah mentioned to her about my chest. She looked down my gown and mumbled about it looking red and then she left. After a couple of minutes, she came back with the doctor and he made everyone leave as he examined me.

"Any tenderness in your chest Pat?"

"I wouldn’t call it pain, or tenderness. It’s more of an itchy feeling. It started last night."

"I see. Has your chest always been this swollen?"

"Uh, no, not really. I mean when I was playing sports, I’d get a bit of a pump on in the gym, but this looks and feels different then that did." I told him, as I started to worry.

"We’re going to have to run some tests, but I think it might be a reaction to some of the pain medication. We’re going to need a blood sample to make sure."

"Whatever it takes to find out what’s going on." I told him. "I’ve never itched this bad. Even when I had poison oak as a kid."

"Oh, I don’t think it’s anything that serious." he said with a chuckle. "But I think we can find what’s wrong."

For the next couple of days all they did was take my blood and make me pee in a large container when I had to go. I couldn’t help but feeling like some sort of science experiment as I was constantly poked and prodded by the nursing staff and photographed by the doctors who came in to check on me. In the mean time my chest still itched like hell, and every day I swear I could watch my chest swelling bigger and bigger, almost like I was growing a pair of female breasts. It wasn’t until about a week after I’d woken up when Sarah pointed out to me that my penis seemed smaller then it had been before. To borrow from Yogi Berra, it was déjB vu, all over again. The only difference was, unlike my dream, I was awake and able to actually see myself change, instead of just having to look at the pictures the doctors were taking.

The following morning the doctor in charge of my case came in with some disturbing news that almost made me sick to my stomach. He informed me that the blood tests came back with some interesting results. It seems that what ever I landed in behind the bio-chem lab was causing my chromosomes to mutate. In essence, the chemical was tricking my body into believing it was female. That is why my chest was itching and swelling, since breast growth is usually one of the first signs that a young girl is entering womanhood. I started to cry, and just sat there in a chair as the doctor said something else, but I was to far lost in my own thoughts to make any sense of it. I felt Sarah sit on the arm of the chair and put her arm around me. It kind of felt good to have someone hold me as I just sat there and cried.

"It’s alright Pat, let it out. We’ll get through this." she told me as she held me tight against her chest.

"Why is this happening?" I asked as I looked up at her with tears streaming down my face.

"I don’t know. But we’re in this together. I’m not going any..." she cut herself off and ran into the bathroom.

Then next sound I heard was her vomiting. I knew right there that yet another part of my dream was coming to fruition. She came out of the bathroom and I could see that she wasn’t feeling all that well.

"Congratulations." I told her. "We’re having a baby."

She just looked at me in shock. It was as if she was thinking the same thing, but she hadn’t yet had a chance to get a test to confirm what she thought. I suggested she ask a nurse if she could get a test and she left the room, while I sat there looking at the mirror on the back of my door. Some of my hair had started to grow back but it didn’t look the same. In fact, it was taking on the reddish tint that I’d seen in my dream. This was all getting too weird for me, and I went to the bed and laid down.

I woke from my nap when I felt something touch me. Come to find out it was Sarah, climbing back into bed with me. I could see she’d been crying, and I held her tight.

"What’s wrong hun? I asked her as I kissed her forehead.

"How did you know?" she asked me, as she started to tear up again.

"Remember when we were in Niagra Falls, and I woke up that night in a daze?"

"Yeah, you mumbled something about not being a woman anymore." she asked me with a puzzled look.

"I had a dream and for the most part it’s all coming true." I started. "The party, the fall, the landing in something behind the bio-chem building. And now the changing into a woman, and you being pregnant. It’s all from my dream."

"This is crazy." she said to me with a shocked look. "Things like this don’t happen do they?"

"Apparently they do." I said as I gently stroked her hair. "I guess it was the gods and goddesses way of giving me a heads up, so I wouldn’t fuck things up like I had in the dream."

"Oh?" she asked starting to smile. "Do tell."

"Well for starters I was unconscious for a lot longer in the dream then I was here. I didn’t wake up until after the change was over." to which she nodded for me to continue. "Well, then I pushed you out of my life. I forced you to leave the hospital. It was stupid of me, but all I wanted was for you to live out your dream of being a mother. Then we didn’t talk or see each other for about five years. But by then I’d already married someone else and they died on me in an accident at the race track. But you and I did get back together, but I felt empty for having missed the first five years of my kid’s life. That’s not going to happen. That is," I paused and smiled at her, "if you’ll still allow me in your life."

"You aren’t going anywhere."

"Good." I smiled back to her. "It’s not going to be easy, but I think together, we can get through this. And raise our child to the best ability that two people can."

She nodded and hugged me as my cell phone went off. It was my dad, I picked up and asked him to please come down to the hospital, there was something I wanted him to hear from me, and not from a doctor or nurse.

"Oh, and Dad, can you bring mom? This effects her just as much as it does you."

He and mom showed up a few hours later having made the trip together from Syracuse. Mom’s new husband Doug was staying back, since he had work in the morning. I sat everyone down and held Sarah’s hand as we told them the good news first.

"Oh my god!" mom said, jumping up to hug Sarah.

"Congratulations." dad told me as he shook my hand. "I’m proud of you son."

"Uh, then you might want to sit down for the other news we have." I told him.

Mom joined him after hugging me. I took a deep breath and tried to remember what I had rehearsed saying in my head before they got here.

"The doctors have found some issues with whatever I fell into behind the ‘U’." I started and could see the worry growing on both their faces. "I’m not dying, so get that thought right out of your heads." I could watch them both start to relax having heard that. "But I am changing. That is to say my DNA is mutating. Whatever I landed in, is telling my body that I’m a woman."

All my parents did was sit there with looks of shock on their faces. But then again, who could blame them? I was a bit in shock myself, thinking that so far, everything in that dream I had come true. I watched them both, and the looks on their faces as they both tried to wrap their brains around the fact that their ‘little boy’ was soon going to be known as their ‘little girl.’ Dad spoke up first.

"Whatever you need, I’m here for you Pat."

"That goes for me and Doug too honey." mom told me as she reached out and held my hand.

"So you’re both alright with this?" I asked, looking back and forth between the two of them.

"It’s not like we have much of a choice. I mean it’s either that, or loose my kid from my life right?" dad asked me. "I’m just happy you’re still alive and as far as the doctors know, still healthy."

"I couldn’t have said it any better myself Tony." mom said as she took one of his hands in her free one.

We all sat there for a while just talking about the baby, and what Sarah and I had as far as plans for the future. When visiting hours finally ended, mom and dad left for the hotel room they rented near the hospital. Sarah went with them since she hadn’t left my side since she’d arrived at the hospital. It felt good to see my parents and the mother of my unborn child sharing such a tender moment together when they all walked out hand in hand, but at that moment I’d never felt so alone in my life. I struggled to get to sleep that night, since I kept flashing back to parts of the dream.

When dawn broke through the windows I got up and looked at myself in the mirror, and that’s when I saw it. I could see that my face, although subtle, was indeed changing. Becoming softer and more feminine looking then it had been. I went into the bathroom and took off my gown to shower and saw that my breasts were already the size of a lemon, and were as red as ever, telling me that they weren’t done growing yet. I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh of a mix of frustration and pride, at the fact that I had bigger breasts then a couple of the girls I used to work with. One I graduated highschool with and the other was the wife of one of the team owners I’d worked for in Arizona.

I let my eyes trace their way down my body and saw that much of my beer gut appeared to be melting away as the days went by. "Bonus" I thought to myself, since I’d been struggling with my weight lately. Like most athletes, I’d put on a few since I’d stopped playing college rugby. As I continued down the reflection in the mirror with my eyes, I could see that my penis, although never THAT big to begin with was all but nonexistent now. It was then that I noticed my hands.

The hands that had served me well all these years as a mechanic and construction worker, were taking on a softer less ‘beat the shit out of’ look. My fingers looked a touch thinner and the scars were vanishing. To compare it to the dream I’d had, this was a bit more bazar. It’s one thing to wake up and find the changes that had already taken place, it’s a whole new ball game to actually watch them happen. I just shook my head and stepped into the shower.

The warm water felt good on my skin. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it had been over a week since I’d last done this and it felt good to get all those layers of dead skin off my body. I got out and made sure I got everything as dry as I could since I didn’t have any underwear that fit me anymore. That’s when the idea struck me. Mom, dad, and Sarah were in the only hotel in town, and that was near a Wally-World. So I wrapped the towel around myself and grabbed my cell to call them. Sarah told me it wouldn’t be a problem since she would just buy a few different sizes for me. They got arrived just after lunch, with each of them carrying a couple of bags in each hand.

"What the hell?" I asked in a bit of confusion. "All I wanted was a pair of shorts or sweat pants and a t-shirt or two. What’s all this?"

"Oh, we picked up a few things we figured you’d need." Sarah told me as she gave mom a wink. Dad for his part just shrugged and I could see him start to blush a bit.

"What did you guys do?" I asked

"Here, go try these on." Mom told me handing me one of the bags.

I took it into the bathroom and to my relief saw a t-shirt. It wasn’t until I tried it on that I realized it was a graphic tee with the slogan ‘I see you’ve met the twins’ printed right about nipple high. I shook my head and pulled out the shorts I found, again shaking my head to the fact that these were purple. It wasn’t until I went to try them on that I saw the ass had the word ‘juicy’ printed across it.

"You guys are all ASSHOLES!" I shouted through the closed bathroom door. Which was met with two female voices giggling, followed by a knock on the door.

"I tried to stop them Pat, really I did. But you know your mother." dad told me.

"Yeah, always cracking jokes."

"Here, open the door, I got you some stuff you might actually wear." he told me.

I opened the door and was met by an arm thrust through it holding another bag of clothes. I started pulling out the contents and saw that these weren’t too bad. I switched out the shirt I had on for the Mark Martin shirt dad bought me. The shorts were much better also. Just a simple green pair of soccer shorts. Dad always knew my style, and for this I owed him big time. As I searched for something to put on under the shorts all I found was panties.

"Uh, you guys forgot to get me underwear." I called from the bathroom.

"No we didn’t" Sarah told me. "There are like three packs in there, just pick the right size and we’ll take the rest back."

I searched through the bags and saw the only things in there were women’s panties. Then I saw the words I dreaded the most.

"Is this a fucking joke? You bought me fucking THONGS?" I shouted.

"I swear I tried to talk them out of it." dad shot back again.

"Oh come on they aren’t that bad." Sarah piped in. "You don’t even notice it after a minute or so."

"BULLSHIT!" I shouted back. "You spend all day in a hot mill picking your underwear out of the crack of your ass from the high humidity and tell me that it’s comfortable."

"Don’t be a wussie and just try them on." came Sarah's reply with a giggle.

I relented and did as I was told since I knew that wearing soccer shorts without some sort of cotton between your privates and the nylon of the shorts would only lead to trouble. To my shock and disgust, they didn’t feel all that bad. And to make things better, I had guessed right on the size, so I didn’t have to open the other packs.

I made my way back into my room and saw mom and Sarah giggling as I tied the string around my waist. I just shook my head and whipped an unopened pack of thongs at each of them. Then gave dad a hug.

"Thanks dad, I knew I could count on you." I told him so only he and I could hear. "And you two. I ask for some help and you buy me fucking shorts with the word ‘juicy’ across the ass? Were you both dropped on your heads while eating lead paint chips as children?"

"Oh settle down, we were just messing with you."

"Now is not the time to be fucking around. I’m dealing with some heavy shit, and I don’t need any more stress form two of the three people in my life I figured I could count on." I shot back at them.

"We’re sorry, we didn’t think you’d get so mad." Sarah told me as she stood up and put her arm around my shoulder.

"Look, let’s get one thing straight. I know I’m changing into a woman. But everyone needs to understand that I’ve been a man my whole life. I didn’t ask for this to happen. I’m not saying that it’s going to be so bad. I mean both of you are successful." I said to Sarah, and mom. "But for the past 30 years, all I’d known was being a guy. And guys don’t wear shorts that say ‘juicy’ on the ass."

They both hugged me and apologized for trying to be the comic relief. It was during that tender moment that the doctor came in and asked if I was ready to go home.

"You mean so soon? Am I done changing?" I asked her.

"Well not completely, but in another month or so, no one would ever guess you were born a male."

"Then what am I going to do?"

"I spoke with my sister who works for one of the hospitals in Syracuse. I figured that would be a bit closer to home for you, so your family could come visit you after work and not have to run up that much of a gas bill driving all the way here to see you. They have a room for you on the rehabilitation floor. They also have you set up with one of the psychologists locally so you can have someone to talk to about what you’re feeling. And she can help you with the new identification you’re going to need, since all your current ones say male on them."

Mom told me later that you could watch all the color drain from my face before I passed out. This was the one part of the dream I hadn’t come to yet. Dad left for home to make sure he could get some clean sheets on my bed, so it was just mom and Sarah when I came around.

"How are you feeling?" mom asked me, as Sarah went to get me a cup of water.

"I’ll be alright, it was just a shock to hear the doctor talk about changing my ID’s."

"Any thoughts on names?" mom asked me.

"Yeah, I have one, but it’s a surprise."

"Ok, I think Sarah went to get you some water and tell the doctor you’re awake."

Sure enough Sarah came back with the doctor and the charge nurse in tow. They had me sign the papers for my release and just as I was finishing, I looked up and saw Captain Brown.

"Before you even start. NO, it wasn’t hazing. NO, I wasn’t beat up. And NO, my brothers didn’t do this to me." I told him, then watched him raise his eye brows as if I’d already answered all his questions without him even asking.

"Alright, fair enough. Then can you tell me how you got behind the bio-chem building?"

"I tripped."

"From where?"

"Who have you already talked to Cap?" I asked him.

"I know about the party if that’s what you’re asking Pat."

"Ok. Then where do we go next?"

"Well, I need you to give me a statement telling me exactly what you were doing. Then I go to the DA, and the school and let them decide what to do."

"You have more pull then that Cap. You know it, and I know it." I told him straight faced. "I’ve never lied to you."

"True, you haven’t to my knowledge."

"Let me guess, the school is going to wait until the DA makes up his mind on whether or not to press charges for the party, before they make up their minds on what to do with the guys, right?"

"From what I hear, yes."

"There aren’t any signs posting that the nature trail we were on closes at dark. And there aren’t any signs that post where the nature trail ends and where private property begins. So I can see where there might be a problem" I told him with a slight grin.

"I think I know how this goes." he told me with a smile. "I want your statement, and your brothers are off the hook?"

"Basically. That and nothing I put in that statement can be used against the house by the DA nor the school."

He picked up his cell phone and made a call. It wasn’t a long conversation, and I didn’t ask him who he was calling, but after he ended that call, he made another one. This one was a bit longer, and I heard him use the name of the president of the college, so I can only guess that the first one was to the District Attorney.

"Done. So what were you doing up there." he told me.

"We were just hanging out. Cracking jokes. Nothing big."

"Was there any alcohol involved?"

"Ah, you see that’s where that whole not being able to use it against us comes into play."

"Right."

"Alright, can you just write down what happened?" he asked me handing me a pad of paper.

I nodded and put started the statement with the part about the DA and the school not being able to use this information to prosecute any member of the house. Then I wrote down what happened. The gathering of friends, as I called it. The idea to go for food, then the fall, and rescue by my brothers. After I finished, I had Captain Brown Sign it after I did, then asked the nurse to make me a couple of copies of it for my records. I bid fair well to Captain Brown and then collected my things and was off for home.

I made Sarah swing by Opiee’s before we hit the road though. I needed to see my big and thank him for saving my life. We got to his house and it was a touching moment as he gave me a brotherly hug and a line about worrying that I was dead. I gave him a copy of the statement I’d made and told him everything was going to be alright, just don’t have any hill parties for a while. I told him to call me when they had a date for Alumni weekend and then headed for home with my wife to be, thinking to my self, "Whoever is writing my life story really needs to get laid."

To be continued.