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Kelly's Journey
Chapter 20: Hope Renewed
By Stanman63
Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut and JennaFL for Proofing and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration!
Synopsis:Kelly continues to recover and discover new things about herself as she grows and matures into the woman that she is inside.


* * *

Then I hugged her for her gift. I knew that here was one who I had helped because of my despair. I knew that God Works in mysterious Ways, but until now, I had never been a direct witness to His Mighty Hand's working in our lives. I once again felt a tiny spark in my heart, and I knew that spark was the Spirit entering into my now warming heart.

I knew that I was not yet healed, but now I was feeling a bit again as my bitter winter of bleak despair gave way to the Spring of new Hope as I steadily put despair behind me. I had held onto despair out of fear, afraid to love again. But even under all of that bitter cold was the seed planted long ago the night that I sung "Daddy's Hands."

At the time, they were for my daddy, but he had taken my love for him and given it over to Jesus where that song had become the Touchstone of my life until I had grown into Kelly Girl where now "The Rose" was my Touchstone. When I blossomed into my Spring of New Hope, my Rose would be well grounded in the Touchstone of Love from my Daddy's Hands.

"Thanks Terri Anne, these gifts will forever remind me of my and your story. Let me reassure you that my Godfather will not let you or your family be hurt. If you ask him, I'm sure that any evidence linking you to your old life is gone," I offered her. ['I know that he would have as a matter of policy to help me.']

"But why would anybody do anything for me? I've had to constantly fight my entire life. I have not really known peace as you have," she sighed. ['Will I NOW have that peace, or am I doomed to continued fear.']

Then I slapped her, pulling her out of her pity party, "DAMN IT TERRI! IF YOU LET US WE WILL BE YOUR FAMILY!" I exclaimed through tears of friendship.

Then she saw MY world of friends and family that'd do anything to help her if she but asked. As she shed her fear, I saw hope sparkle in her wounded eyes, "Kelly, I NEED such love, but was afraid to ask. How can I be reassured that I'm a part of the family" ['Having her as a sister will be fun.']

Then Mister Woods came through the door, motioning for me to let her know that he was there, "Why not ask him yourself? He is right behind you," I giggled. ['Thanks Poppa Woods for coming through for her.']

"Hello Terri, don't worry about Linden , he can't hurt you anymore now that your records all show that you are a woman, even your birth certificate," he smirked. ['It feels "OH SO GOOD" to work on a prank that actually helps another. Kelly taught me that.']

The look on her face was priceless as she turned around to see Mister Woods, "CHUCKIE! IS THAT YOU?" She exclaimed as she jumped up and hugged him. ['I NEVER connected Kelly with Chuckie, but I should have.']

"Hey Terri, don't forget about Miss Saigon," Mrs. Woods smirked. ['We've been wanting to help her for years, but she hid away using her hacking skills. Time to heal our friendship that Linden broke.']

"How can I forget my 'Oriental Barbie Doll'?" ['I've never thought that I'd see her ever again.']

"And how could we forget you?" asked Mister Woods.

"May I ask how y'all know each other? I thought that Aunt Debbie was Linden 's first victim of his hatred." ['And I his last.']

"Everybody sit down and I will tell you Kelly, [sigh] it's time for me to testify about my past and it's all thanks to you Kelly." ['She has given me so very much.']

Then we sat, "OK Terri, tell us and be free of your guilt." I instructed. ['I know how I felt after admitting my need.']

"OK! When I was a boy Terrence, I used to dress in girls costumes to please my mother who had no daughters, only sons. One Halloween, I went a Peter Pan to school and during the party; I was hit in the groin by an arrow."

"OUCH! That must have hurt!" I exclaimed as I rubbed my groin in sympathy.

"It did Kelly! Linden was responsible, yet he denies it because he got quite fresh with me after the surgery which made me a girl." she sighed.

"I don't understand, why complete surgery? I thought that you'd only need to remove the damage." ['Guess that even now, I am reluctant to lose Kelly boy for good.']

"The arrow crushed everything, making me either a eunuch or a girl. I chose to be a girl because I felt better as a girl than a boy. I could even see myself having sex with a guy with me being the girl." [Even a cheerleader like Kelly.']

"Then THAT'S why he hates you! He hates all girls like us." ['Although, I wonder why most of his followers are boys.']

"Well, that and he wanted me sexually until he learned about my past. I can't help but think he refuses to accept his part in my transition and the fact that he wanted me in his bed." ['The idea of him in me killed my sex drive.']

"THAT HYPOCRITE! I am glad that he is put away!" ['Glad that he did not fancy me! Guess that I'm way too spicy for his taste.']

"Thanks Kelly, but that's why I vanished, moving in with my single aunt who adopted me as her own daughter. Believe me when I say that Lynn and Chuck were the hardest to leave," she sighed. [They were my best friends, but I could not risk them.']

Then the Woods hugged her, "Terri, I speak for Chuck when I say that we understand your choice. But now you have us and even though your family has moved away, we will help y'all to reunite," promised Mrs. Woods.

Then they left to start on her renewal of her old life. She met her mother who was staying in the Tri-County Retirement Community where senior citizens could retire while renting their estate out to new families.

The community itself had a recreation center and football and softball fields for the children and grandchildren surrounded by houses with full basements and attics as well a three extra bedrooms for guests.

It was built upon the ruins of a warehouse complex that had burned to the ground due to a meteor strike that ignites the wood and flammables in the impact zone. The fire completely consumed all fuel within the blast radius.

Under the guidance of the then new Tri-County Commission, the area was bull-dozed after selling the charred earth and meteorite to the interested parties and using the funds, they built the center and other much needed services needed at the time.

* * *

It was after lunch and my morning workout and spa session that I met Nora again. I was in my massaging recliner, watching an episode of vintage Knight Rider with David Hasselhoff when she entered wearing if you could believe it, a school girl's uniform down to the ridiculously short skirt and tan hose. When she primly sat down, I saw that she was wearing ruffled bloomers which set me off laughing as I paused the CD.

"Well, I guess that I deserve that and much more for sending you into that hysterical coma. I let my schooling override my common sense. That's why I'm dressed like this, because I've hurt you and so I've put myself in detention," she sighed. ['She can so easily end my career here by claiming malpractice.']

"Oh! So I'm to decide on your punishment. Then it's simple, wear that home or to a motel with your husband and let him seduce the INNOCENT little schoolgirl," I smirked. ['I know that the Woods have a very rich from all of their costumes they wore before bedtime.']

"SAY WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU WANT FOR ME TO DO THAT?" she exclaimed in wonder. ['Is she stark raving mad?']

"Nora, I have already forgiven you. You have nothing to worry about except my pranking you a wee bit." I smirked. ['This is MY therapy which works quite well.']

She wiped her brow inadvertently let me see her bloomers which matched her blue skirt, "Whew!
I thought that I was a goner. I dressed like this hoping that in doing so to gain your sympathy," she giggled. ['Used to wear this in high school to the Halloween parties.']

"Oh, because you looked like a student? FAT CHANCE with your height," I giggled. ['Although, she'd be many a jock's wet dream come to life according to Johnny.']

"OK, then why do you want for me to do something that I'm gonna do anyway with my husband Lenny tonight?" ['Is she some sort of pervert?']

"No, I am not a pervert if THAT'S what you're wondering. As a girl like me, you have truly succeeded in finding a husband and forming a family. In this way, I am reaffirming MY lost love for Johnny. If I can't feel love, I can at least encourage it," I sighed as I denied the despair welling up inside of me and felt it shrivel up and die as the bitter winter thawed a bit more as the spring of renewed hope claimed more of my heart. ['I must not despair anymore!']

Nora hugged me, "Thanks Kelly. You have restored my faith in my self. From now on, I will let my heart, not my head is my guide in my work." ['She blesses all who meet her.']

Then a man, easily her height, but definitely brawny with well defined muscles under his Tri-County Mountaineers Football Coach jacket actually caressed her ruffled bloomers, causing her to 'YELP!' in surprise, "That's good Nora, but you have to see me, your coach about detention. Any chance for detention here?" he chuckled. ['She looks so sexy dressed like that, that I want her now!']

"LENNY!" she exclaimed as he held her under her bloomers. ['It feels so good, his hands on my butt.']

I could see that he wanted her right away, "Nora, as your teacher, I am now sending you off with Coach Lenny for detention. And I expect for you to do what he says." I giggled. [' They remind me of the Woods.']

As they were leaving, he asked, "Shall I file a report Kelly?" ['Thanks to her, I have my lover back as she was before she lost her spirit.']

"No need as long as she becomes a VERY good girl Couch Lenny," I giggled as I pictured just what would happen.

I felt lighter then as if a great weight had been lifted from me. It was as if dead skin had been removed, allowing the fresh skin to breathe. I felt sore, yet refreshes, as if I had just completed a marathon and was letting my body relax.

What it was my final surrendering of my fear of being hurt in love. I did not know it at the time, but my frozen heart was beating again, reconnecting with my hibernating Soul that had gone dormant when I died. All of this time, I had been but a shadow of my former self. Now my Spirit was ready to Love again, it was but waiting the final shattering of the walls that I had erected and would happen all too soon.

* * *

I was finally home with Granny, Grandpa and Aunt Helen. They'd come down in Grandpa's trusty old truck. It was a Ford Club-Cab Panel Truck that he'd had rebuilt by the schools Auto Shop. When he got it back, it was more powerful, and fuel efficient than any other truck in it's class and used gas, diesel or ethanol.

After a scrumptious feast where my friends and family as well as Johnny greeted me and each gave me a gift as a welcome back present, I was finally able to sleep in my four-poster bed that Grandpa had restored for me. I kept my supply of novels in the under-bed drawers and my collection of miniature ship models.

Grandpa and Mister Woods had bought me several complete collections of every series for me. I spent a lot of my free time combining the varied ship bits into some radical new designs. I maybe a girl in my heart, but I got the tinkering gene from Grandpa and he endorses my creative bent because with my nimble fingers, I can do the detail work that he can't.

I woke up with Julie in bed with me, "Morning Sis, you looked so peaceful that I didn't want to awaken you," Julie said as she hugged me. ['What will she say when I tell her the news?']

"Hello Sis, I haven't slept so well ever since the hospital. Those beds SUCK," I giggled. ['Only we patients can complain.']

"So, I guess that I will need to bring my on bed in nine months time," she sighed. ['Will she make the connection?']

I hugged my sister, "You know who the father is?" ['I should be jealous, but I'm not! I wonder why? I almost feel as if I'm the father as weird as that sounds.']

"Yes I do. I am getting married to Mark next month. I love him as much as I love you." ['But he also love you because he knows that you're the father.']

"And you want for me to be a Bridesmaid, right?" ['A dream comes true for me if she says yes.']

"Yes Kelly and Johnny is the Best Man." ['Will she now decline?']

"OK Julie, now have you chosen the gowns? I just hope that they look good." ['I can handle being next to Johnny.']

She hugged me and then got up revealing her "Daddy's Little Girl" top and matching pink shorts and anklets along with the cream hose, "Thanks Kelly, I was afraid that you'd balk at being next to Johnny again," she sighed. ['I love them both and their distance is breaking my heart.']

I got up revealing my blue version with matching hose and bopped her on the noggin with "Sir Lion Heart", her favorite plushy, "But I MUST meet your fiancée or the deals off," I giggled. ['It's been way too long since I bopped her. I'm surprised that she let me.']

She looked at me with a grin, "I was waiting for that bop, I knew that you'd do it if "Sir Lion Heart' was available," she giggled as we got right into a good and proper pillow fight that thoroughly messed up the bedroom.

"I go to ALL the trouble to neaten up you room and you mess it up like a baby," Granny giggled. ['GOD! It's wonderful to hear her laughing again.

Then we tackled her with the pillows eliciting shrieks of joy from her that ended with us redoing the room. Then Julie and I donned our day clothes. She wore her pink jogging suit with matching leotard and tights for her jog and workout later that day while I wore navy opaque tights with matching shirt dress so that I could help Grandpa with his planting today. We were planting spice bushes in Granny's plot after my meeting with the surgeon.

"Well, I am glad to hear that my granddaughter has awakened for her chores, but she is atrociously late." Grandpa chuckled as he placed the final fixings to breakfast on the table. ['Hearing Kelly once again laughing has made my day.']

* * *

The breakfast consisted of omelets with everything in them, gravy, biscuits and coffee. This was his cooking and his favorite too. Not even Mister Woods could outdo him on this breakfast that he usually made on Sundays so Granny could get ready or on holidays. Any other time was a treat.

* * *

"MM, breakfast looks scrummy Grandpa," I said as I hugged him. ['His omelets are simply heavenly.']

"Glad that you approve my dear, but I made them to celebrate not just your return, but Julie's fiancée is here too," he chuckled as I stopped with a fork full of breakfast almost to my lips. ['It's not often that she is speechless.']

I saw a tanned athlete, easily the equal of Johnny. This Nordic god was tall and lithe, making him an excellent basketball player, "Hi, any friend of Julie is a friend of mine." ['I can see why she gave herself to him. I would too if I was her.']

"Thank you Kelly, from what Jules says, you two are practically soul sisters." ['So this is the real father of Julie's child. she is right, Kelly is a ray of sunshine. I am honored to be the surrogate father.']

"Yep, we are sisters from different Mothers. How corny could I get?" I blushed. ['He sure can get under my skin.']

"Oh, I don't know. With you on a farm, I guess as corny as you are amazing," he chuckled. ['Dumb joke, but effective, nonetheless.']

Needless to say, we all groaned at his joke. He was family now and by having him here with Julie, they were giving their approval of their romance. They had adopted her as their unofficial granddaughter not long after I came here and made sure that I had plenty of spare clothing for her too.

* * *

As we finished and were cleaning up, Aunt Debbie returned, now wearing a black skirt suit with white hose and heels to take me to my appointment. Once again she was playing "The Rose," the she played a song that brought me back to when I was still a boy at heart.

"Butterfly Kisses and Night time Prayers" is about a daddy seeing his daughter growing up and seeing her married to her husband. As I listened to the song, I saw my life a girl and my daddy giving me away. I began to cry over a life not lived, then I felt us pullover.

"Yes Kelly, I too cry when I hear that song. My daddy I know will give me away on my wedding day, but you don't have that option," she wept.

I gently placed my hand upon her shoulder, feeling the broad shoulders that transitioning late in life had left her with a male frame, "That's OK Auntie, if I ever marry, Grandpa will be glad to give me away." ['He treats me like I'm his daughter too.']

"Yeah, and if you were still a boy, he'd want to be your Best Man," she smirked. ['He may grumble a bit, but he's a softie,']

"I know, either way, he wants for me to be happy. I am just hoping that this surgery will help. I could live without it if I must," I sighed. ['Who do I have to make it all worth while? No! I do it for ME and ME alone!']

"Oh Kelly, believe me, sex as a woman is wonderful when you have a man who loves you," she giggled. ['There are stories that I could tell her and I will if she asks.']

"You hussy! To keep me from telling on you, I want ALL of the sordid details," I giggled at her, ['After all, I DO need a referent point for comparison.']

"OK girl, you asked for it! Tonight, as a bedtime story," she giggled as she drove us onto my appointment.

* * *

The build looked like an old country cottage with a parking lot instead of a front lawn. Inside, the combination of modern medicine with country cottage decor made it real homey to me. What caught my eye were the pictures of a patient that completely transitioned from boy to girl like I wanted to do; only she wore a bathing suit to keep it from being vulgar by displaying her genitals.

I saw a very pretty lady dressed in a green pastel flower blouse and matching corduroy jeans and brown suede boots, "Hello Kelly, I am Doctor Erin Melton, I will be your surgeon IF I agree to do the surgery." ['I hardly ever deny them, but I have for medical reasons.']

I was perplexed about why I would be denied, "Why would you NOT want to do the surgery? Am I a risk?" ['Do I have a hidden ailment?']

She opened up a folder with my name on it, "Frankly, your test came back positive, so there is no medical reason, but I am concerned about this attempted suicide. I want to be sure that you are not grasping at straws to stat alive. I've had too many patients to suicide after surgery because they found that they were not ready," she sighed. [' To see another so soon after Jess would cause me to quit medicine altogether.']

I went around the desk and hugged her as she wept over her despair," Erin , the reason that I despaired was that my lover rejected me. But now I have found the strength to move on. I've decided that being a woman is for ME! Not Him!" ['It took talking to her for me to admit that, Lord, You DO work in mysterious ways.']

After she had dried her eyes, she smiled, "Thanks Kelly, you've lifted a great weight from my shoulders. I was ready to quit medicine, but now my spirit is back. You have a gift. You ought to be a counselor." ['If she becomes one, I'll put her on my staff.']

"So, you'll do the surgery? Or do I need to do it myself? If so, I need to get the "Operating on Yourself for Dummies" book," I giggled. ['Come to think about it Grandpa could since he neuters those pigs.']

She laughed heartily at my suggestion, so hard that she ran to the bathroom. When she returned she was smiling," [giggle] you rascal, [giggle] I almost wet myself. [Giggle] No, [giggle] don't do that. [Giggle] I'll operate!! [Giggle]!" ['She most definitely needs to be a counselor.']

"Thanks, when do you want to schedule it?"

"Do you have a passport?"

"Yes, why?"

"I do the surgery at a clinic on my private island. Just off the coast, that way, I avoid a lot of problems with red tape."

"Do you have an airstrip for business jets?"

"Yes I do, that's how I get to my island."

"Well, Mister Woods has one, that's how I'll get there.

* * *

Back home, I got a call from Pastor Patrick, "Hello? Moore 's Farm, who's calling please?"

"Kelly, this is Pastor Patrick. We are having an Acolyte Appreciation Sunday this Sunday. Will you be there? You are one of our senior Acolytes along with Julie and Johnny." ['I miss her; things aren't the same without her here.']

"Well, I did promise to sing "Daddy's Hands", and "Let Me Tell You a Secret about a Father's Love." So I will be there. Should I robe up for the Service?" ['If so, I'll wear red tights and shoes to match the robe.']

"Cool, you always did look cute as an Acolyte."

"Careful there Pastor Pat, I don't want for your wife Joanne to get jealous," I giggled. ['Fat chance of that, she is a knock out and knows he likes to kid me all the time.']

"Don't worry, I'll make sure that she takes her happy pills," he chuckled as he hung up.

* * *

I wore a pastel red empire waist long sleeve dress with a knee-length hem and mid-thigh slits on the sides and red pantyhose and low heels. Aunt Debbie wore a sea green version, Granny a white version while Grandpa wore his dark green suit with pastel green dress shirt and sea green tie. We went in Aunt Debbie's car since Grandpa's truck needed repairing and Granny's station wagon was still full of her quilts from the rummage sale.

In the Service, Joanne West, the Youth Minister and Pastor Patrick's wife had a mini lesson for the children where we Acolytes sat around her. After that, we Acolytes were recognized for our contribution to the Service. I received my second Gold Cross with the black ribbon, the highest Honor an Acolyte.

When I received my Cross, I felt lighter, as if a great weight had been lifted. All of a sudden, I felt like crying, crying Tears of Joy. Now I was always one quick to tear up, so seeing me cry was not unusual. Then I sang "Daddy's Hand" as a part of our Father's Day celebration. I had been asked to sing a few songs for the Service. Little did I know it, but it was there that my heart was renewed.

"Before I sing this, I must say what this song means to me. When I was a toddler, I lost my daddy and I got up in the casket with him and sang the song that I'm about to sing. Since then my Heavenly Daddy has truly taught me the truth of the song. And "Let Me Tell You the Secret about a Father's Love" for me is about my Heavenly Daddy Loving me through all of my trials. Without Him and His Stubborn Love, I wouldn't be here."

Then I began my mini concert, starting with "Daddy's Hands," then "Father's Love," then Stubborn Love." Then my heart breathed again. I was able to feel love again. The haling that I was promised had occurred. Then I sang acapella the song 'I Can See Clearly Now" as I wept with Joy. I could see that I had touched everybody by their tears.

"Pastor Patrick, the Lord has renewed my heart. Now I can Love again!"

"Kelly, join me in front of the altar, you need to tell us about this."

"Yes sir, but I'd like for the Woods and my family to join me too. This concerns them too." Then I headed down to the altar where I was joined by the Woods and my family. We had a general hug fest, and then Pastor Patrick got us back on track.

"Well Kelly, what is your good news."

"As everybody knows, I've been living with my grandparents and Aunt Debbie because I couldn't control myself around Johnny. Since then, I have become a woman, lacking only surgery to make me whole. Well, Johnny and I spent some time at a cabin in the woods where I was as much of a woman as I could be for him.

"It was after he had rejected me that I despaired of life and attempted suicide. Luckily, God saw fit to have Aunt Debbie there in time to save me. I have spent a few weeks in the hospital as I recovered from the suicide and learn to continue to live. Well, the Lord has finally completely healed my heart.

Then I looked at Johnny, "Johnny, I still love you and always will. But right now my heart is still hurting. I want to renew our friendship. Are you game?"

Johnny hugged me as he cried tears of hope, "Yes Kelly, I do want to still be friends. I know that I've lost any chance of anything more, but friendship is much more than I expected."

"Johnny, don't give up Hope. I know what that's like."

From the despair of rejection to the healing of my broken heart, I had met people that I wouldn't have met normally. Now I am well on the way to becoming the woman within.

* * *

Aunt Debbie thoroughly grilled me on the schoolwork for several hours. I aced every test and essays that she gave me. My only setbacks were the physical education and coordination tests. But I was given an incomplete on them because of my limitations. She knew that I was not at my best right now, so she decided to wait until I was ready.

With my grades and Aptitude Tests, I was a perfect candidate to become a counselor. Truth to tell, I felt led to becoming one because I wanted to help people, but until the tests, I didn't know which way to go.

Until then, I had always thought that I'd be a dancer or gymnast and open up a dance studio or teach in school with Debbie, but now I was feeling a far different calling equal to my love of dance and I needed to decide which calling to answer.

I was in a quandary over my vocation and couldn't decide. I had several perfectly good representatives of people that were happy doing a job that they loved, but they all had only ONE vocation, not TWO! Could I despair over my inability to choose? I did not know, nor I a way did I want to.

* * *

Aunt Debbie looked up from the essay that I had written on the Star Trek phenomenon titled 'The Triune Triumvirate' where I compared the Command Crew of the Enterprise to the concept of Mind/Body/Soul unity and how when all parts work together, the person is complete, but when one part is hurting, then the rest unite to heal the broken part.

"Very well thought out Kelly. Without relying upon psychiatric teachings that'd confuse most laymen, you've provided the reader with a detailed view of the workings of the mind. Have you thought about going to college to become a counselor?" ['She'd make a great one with her empathy and insight.']

I looked over to her, confused as to my future, "Auntie, right now, I don't know what I wanna do! I am torn between counseling others and dancing! I want to do both, but how?" I asked while breaking pencil single handed. ['Can she help me? Or am I to be forced to choose? I don't wanna choose!']

She came over and led me over to a mirror where I saw her in wearing a pastel tiger striped blouse tucked into a matching knee-length skirt silt to mid-thigh with red fishnet hose and heels while I wore a white shorts set with matching socks and sneakers with suntan hose. As I looked at us she actually did bunny ears behind my head, causing me to giggle.

"Kelly, what do you see in me?" ['She can't see the big picture yet, I need to help her to see that she can be both.']

I looked at both her and her mirror image, "I see a beautiful woman next to a cute girl. Why?" ['What does she want for me to see?']

She smiled, "Yes, but that's physical, not WHO I am," she admonished me. ['She can be SO dense at times.']

I was very puzzled. Most of the time, I could see where she was going. Had my attempted suicide made me dumber? "Then who are you?" ['Just where is she going with this?']

"I am Debbie Moore, daughter of Lizzie Jane and Joe Moore, sister of Terri Lynn Moore, Aunt to Kelly Lee Moore. I am that entire thing all the time. As for my vocation, I own/operate a specialty shop and also teach at school." ['Now maybe she will see that she can do many things.']

Then it dawned on me, "NOW I get it! I can be a counselor and still dance! I thought that I had to choose between my two loves!" I happily exclaimed. ['Why did I not see it for myself?']

I began to silently weep as another burden that had me under its bondage was lifted. Aunt Debbie held me and guides me over to a pair of chairs when my legs got weak. I now knew just how wrong I was about everybody.

My friends and family all had their primary vocation as well as their hobby or second vocation that made their lives so much fun. NOW I could and would do the same.

* * *

I had a nice supply of underoos and hose to wear from momma. She knew how much that I loved wearing them as costumes, so I'd wear them instead of those drafty hospital gowns. Oh I got me a supply of them, but they were turned into: tops, skirts, dresses, and dress shirts thanks to Granny.

As for me and my underoos, the staff started calling by the costume I wore, if spider-girl, I was Spider-Kelly. The most fun ones were those with a skirt, and then I could do a proper cheer, can't really cheer without a skirt in my book.

* * *

While there, I met the psychologist Nora Adrienne Doret. She is as big as Johnny, yet as feminine as Aunt Debbie. When we met, I knew that I could trust her. She was wearing a red skirt suit with white blouse and hose. Her low heels were red as well as her bloomer which I could see when she sat down. I was wearing my Spider-Kelly costume.

"Welcome to my office Kelly, I am Nora," she said as she proffered her hand. ['Even knowing her records, I see nothing of a man in her.']

I shook her hand and smiled, "Thanks Nora, but why not 'Spider-Kelly like the staff?" ['Maybe I'm wrong to ask a shrink.']

Then she sat down on her desk and I saw her bloomers, "Because I don't want to put any labels on you, although, from your records, you could be 'Spider-Kelly," she grinned. ['She is a real charmer and heart breaker.']

I blushed when I saw her bloomers, "Uh ma'am, uh, you need to uh, close your legs please." ['She acts like a guy dressing like a woman.']

She smiled as if she had caught me in the act, "And why is that Kelly, pray tell." ['Why is the patient blushing?']

I pointed towards her crotch, "I can see your bloomers ma'am. You need either a longer skirt or pants unless you like showing off." ['DAMN!! I sound just like momma when she would get onto me about showing mine.']

She actually blushed as she got up and sat primly in a lounge chair and motioned for me to sit in the one by it, "Touché Kelly, at times I forget that I am wearing a skirt or a dress," she grinned. ['Should have remembered that.']

I shook my head in amazement, "Why would you forget? Are you not a woman like me?" ['I hope that she won't call me on my lie.']

She sat back and steepled her fingers over her breasts, "Exactly, like you, I was born a male, but I am now a woman." ['Let's see hoe she reacts to that bit of information.']

I sat forward in amazement, "AMAZING. I would never have guessed. You look so natural," I whispered. ['I wonder, could that be me in time? Do I have that natural ability that she has?']

She poured me an excellent cup of herbal tea and passed the cup and saucer to me, then poured herself one, "Yes, I am a post-op transsexual woman," she sighed. ['Even today, I find it a burden to tell my patients, but somehow, Kelly makes it easier on me.']

I sipped my tea, then finding it delicious, drained it, much to her delight, "Please tell me about it
ma'am. I need to know," I pleaded. ['Did she despair like I did of life? Are there others that haven't despaired?']

She poured me another cup and passed it to me with scrumptious peanut butter oatmeal raisin cookies from one of Granny's tins, "I grew up as a petite boy that found wearing my older sister's castoffs fun. At first, it was her shirts, shorts and pants, but all too soon I went for he intimates." ['Later I'll show Kelly pictures of me growing up as a girl.']

I munched on a cookie and visibly put them down much to her delight when I pointed to my waist, "Much the same with me, but you're a big girl, did you go through a girl's or a boy's puberty?" ['I can't see a hint of boy in her at all.']

"Luckily for me, I was able to go through a girl's thanks to an accident," she grinned. ['One that I am glad that happened too.']

I visibly winced at the thought, even though I knew that surgery would remove m boy bits, the idea of being aware was gross, "What happened?" ['Come on girl, you can take it.']

"I was hit by an arrow when I was at a "Robin Hood" Extravaganza set up by the Town and Gown Theater to showcase their production of The Adventures of Robin Hood, I was a stage hand dressed in green tights and tunic, really my Peter Pan costume from the last production," she sighed. [''Ruined my tights too, at least I could wear them as Green Arrow.']

I pointedly took ONE cookie and munched it as I drank my tea which she graciously refilled, "Was it backstage? If not, would have made quite a show," I smirked. ['DAMN, why am I poking fun at her?']

She smiled at my sense of humor, ['I can see that this scamp has a well developed sense of the ridiculous.'] "No, it was on stage, unfortunately, somebody backstage got carried away with a bow and arrow and shot it off and hit me. I at least had a one of a kind death scene," she giggled'

"What about the stagehand? What happened to them?"

"The stagehand was fired from the theater, but he soon became my best friend. We married after we graduated and I am happy to be Montgomery Scott Doret's wife," she smiled. ['I doubt that anybody has MY story.']

* * *

Nora and I became fast friends and she helped me to see myself as more than Kelly. I came to realize why I was so infatuated with Johnny that I had sex with him at the drop of a hat and why that also led me to despair of life when he rejected me.

Johnny had become my surrogate daddy. Like most any daughter, I wanted to marry my dad or father figure, the fact that Johnny was my age made it better and him being my best friend sweetened the deal. In my mind, I was actually making love to my daddy. And when Johnny rejected me AFTER I had given myself to him as a woman, it was as if my daddy had done it.

When I learned that, I was appalled! I couldn't believe that I suffered from the Oedipus complex like that. I know that I love my daddy, but the very idea of having wanton sex with him made me sick at my stomach, so sick that I went into a hysterical coma until I could come to grips with it and face that part of me.

* * *

I saw my daddy sitting on a cuddly bear very much like Ben from grizzly Adams, and he was dressed like Mad Jack with old Number Seven nearby, "Hello Kelly, Are you OK?"

I stood there, amazed at this display of T.V. characters. Grizzly Adams was one of my favorite shows along with all of those Westerns that I'd watched on weekday afternoons after school and homework thanks o my extensive video library that easily fills several trunks.

"Daddy, why are you Mad Jack with Ben and Number Seven by you? Have you been watching Grizzly Adams?"

"Well my daughter, they represent your strength and steadfastness. Ben your strength and Number Seven your steadfastness."

"Oh, I thought Ben represented my cute, cuddly side and Number Seven my mean streak," I smirked.

"That too Kelly, that too, now wants to sit in my lap as you like to do? That is one thing that I cherish about your visits."

"I am afraid to daddy, afraid that it is not right because I am now a grown up and no longer a child," I wept.

He lifted me up into his lap, I wanted to protest, but I felt a strong assurance, "Because of that report from Nora."

"Yes, [sniff, sniff] I don't want to commit incest daddy, [sniff, and sniff] but I did with Johnny as I thought of you."

Then I heard Ben, "Ah, but you didn't, no matter what she says."

"Then why does the report say so?"

Then Number Seven spoke, "In Johnny, you see the qualities that you see in your father. You don't want him; rather you want one with qualities that you see in your father."

"And that is why I despaired of life when Johnny rejected me?"

Daddy said, "Yes, and why you sought me out rather than the LORD. You needed me and you knew that Jesus would be here for you."

"OK then, which one is Jesus and which one is the Holy Spirit. Because I don't feel as if I am divided," I smirked.

"Neither are I nor the Spirit. Michael is Ben, and Gabriel is Number Seven," grinned Jesus as He appeared before me.

"JESUS! MY LORD!" I exclaimed as Michael, Gabriel and daddy assumed their regular forms.

"Yes my child, you needed confirmation of your True Self from an attack upon your Spirit."

"Jesus, I know that I was wrong to have sex with Johnny before marriage, but am I wrong to want to be a girl when I was born a boy."

Then Jesus swept me into his arms, why do you ask my child? Have I ever said anything to make you doubt my Love for you?"

I sighed, No Lord Jesus. But there are those below like Linden who SAY that they know you, yet spew hate."

Kelly, not all who say that they know me know me? It is sad that are not seen as the hypocrites that they are."

"But what about me Lord?"

"What about you Kelly?"

Am I an abomination as Linden says I am?"

Then I heard my Lord weeping, "Kelly, you are no abomination. It is against such mutilating of My Word that I grieve."

Here I am in Heaven, causing My Savior to cry! WHAT A DOWNER! Now I truly wished that I'd NEVER been born.

"Jesus, could you redo time so that I was never born? I NEVER wanted to make you cry!!"

Then his tears of grief became of JOY, "Oh Kelly, even as broken as you are now, your innocence stays as pure as the driven snow. Against such no evil can stand. If all of my children could but sample a moment of your innocence, they would all strive to stay innocent."

"Well, I don't feel innocent. I feel all empty inside," I sighed.

"My child, like the song "The Rose", you are going through a most bleak winter. You have been hurt and afraid to love. You have been wondering if you will ever love again."

I began to cry as my heart wept bitter tears of regret, regret that I was still barren of love, "Yes My Lord. How many tears must I shed until I cry with Joy?"

"Soon my child, your heart will soon be ready to love again."

* * *

When I awoke, I looked up and saw Sarah Lynn Morgan walking towards me with a jewelry box in her hand. I was once again in my bed with monitors about me to track my vitals. In the room, asleep was Nora. I knew that she had stayed there because of me.

She smiled when she saw that I was awake, "Welcome back to the Land of the Living. You had us worried there for a bit." ['She is a trooper! But will the next setback be too much for her? Can I make up for my earlier actions?']

"Thanks Sarah, What Nora said threw me for a loop. In fact, I half expected for you to be her." ['But why is she here?']

Then she handed me the box, "Please accept this as my way of apologizing for my attitude when you were being admitted. I was truly afraid for myself, not the hospital. I should have NEVER been afraid, but fear and doubt blinded me," she sighed. ['Kelly is much stronger than I am.']

I opened the box and saw a RED four leaf clover pendant with a fine gold chain and matching brooch, lapel pin, and earrings," Sarah, you didn't have to do this. You were simply protecting the hospital from Linden 's evil. That' why I agreed to the press conference." ['Although, she was fidgeting a bit there. I took it to be her natural way to work, not being scared. Guess my ability to read others is zilch right now.']

"I was born Terrence Andrew Naut after my father who died before I was born. My mother was a dress shop owner. I grew up finding that I liked wearing dresses and hose. Thanks to taking my mom's pills, I went through a girl's puberty and transitioned when the doctors saw that my boy bits were cancerous," she sighed as she sat. ['Of everybody here, only she can understand.']

"I bet that when your mom found out that you were a daughter instead of a son, she had a fit," I giggled. ['I know that MY mom would have under the same circumstances.']

"Well, actually, she loved having a daughter. You see, I made a right cute girl and could wear a bikini or swimsuit with no bulge even before the operation by wearing a gaffe," she smiled. ['Too bad mine didn't look as good as hers do.']

"OK, but what does THIS have to do with me?" ['Is she related to Linden ?']

"Well. Linden was my pastor at the time. He badgered me about letting medicine and cancer rob me of my manhood. He was appalled to find that the girl that he has tried to seduce was me. That pervert really wanted to deflower me until he found out that I HAD no flower, uh so to speak," she giggled. ['The look on his face PRICELESS!']

"And if he associated your name with your past, he could cause you some harm, Right?" ['Will his evil now end?']

"Right! But when you decided to fight, I couldn't and wouldn't let him win. YOU had stood up to him and won, NO it was my turn."

I clasped her hand, "Together, let's resolve to put fear behind us and lie in the Light."

"Yes, let's do that." she agreed.

She then helped me to don the jewelry and smiled when I was adorned with her gift. I looked like a Regal Queen with my jewelry and was very appropriate for me too. I am Irish on my momma's side. That's where my green eyes and red hair come from. Heck, about the only thing physical about me from my dad is dark complexion from his Native American heritage and my almond shaped eyes.

Looking closer, I saw that in each clover leaf was etched a rose, "Terri, did you know about how much the Rose means to me?" I asked as tears flowed down my face.

"Yes, I heard from your Aunt Debbie when she filled out a few forms after the press conference how you were a Rose, and how this was your bitter winter. The clover leaf is your heritage, its redness is the life you live while the rose in each leaf is you," she announced as she wiped away my tears. ['Now I see the rose in her, may it soon bloom into a spring of hope.'?]

Then I knew that my being here had helped to heal Terri of a pain long past. I could easily be her in the future. I was being shown the pitfalls that I could fall inn so that I could avoid them and help others to overcome. Even though I was not yet completely healed, I felt better, as if the first rays of spring were thawing out the bitter cold ground of my winter to release my Rose.

 

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