To the person who finds this letter:

I’m writing this so you all know why I did it, because by the time anyone finds me, I’ll be long gone from this mortal plane. I never asked for this to happen, but since it is, and I have no way to stop it, and live, I chose not to live. You see, I was born a normal healthy boy. My life has been filled with joy and disappointment, but who’s hasn’t? My father died at a young age and never got to see me born. He and mom were highschool sweethearts and I was born 9 months to the day of their graduation. Mom’s done a great job of raising me by herself. I hear stories of kids all the time from a single parent household, where they go without fun, or in some sadder cases food and proper shelter. But that hasn’t been the case for me. Nor has it been the case where a mom has a revolving door of boyfriends that treat her kid badly. I guess I’ve been lucky in that sense. Life was great up until my freshman year at college.

School started off well. My girlfriend, Kelly, who I’d been dating since our sophomore year of highschool, and I both got accepted into the same college. We got into the same dorm, so we both figured that it would be cool and be able to spend a lot of quality time together. And we did for the first part of the semester. But then there was an accident in my advanced chem. lab, and the explosion, as best the doctors can surmise, changed my DNA somehow.

I first noticed it at Rugby practice when I got out of the hospital. I had expected to have some rust on my skills from being laid up in a hospital bed for a week and then not able to work out for another, but I was shocked when I was winded after only one lap of the field for a warm up. After stretching, I was flat tired, and thought my electrolytes were low, so I started pounding some of the sports drink coach brought. We went thru some drills and I found myself on my back on just about every play. This has never happened to me before. You see, I was always one of the bigger guys on the team. At 6'2" and close to 250 pounds of muscle, I was usually the one putting guys on their backs. After practice coach suggested I go see the trainer to see if anything was wrong with me. She put me thru the normal routine of "does this hurt?" and "Have you been sleeping and eating alright?" Then she had me piss in a cup. She ran some tests on it and had me come into her office so she could talk to me. She said everything came back normal except that some of my "Y" chromosomes had an extra leg on them. I’d taken plenty of biology and knew what she was talking about, but I still wasn’t sure if I truly understood her.

"I don’t think I follow you Ms. Triglia." I said to her trying to think about what she had just told me.

"Well Rob" she said as she paused to take a sip from her coffee. "A normal male has 43 XY chromosomes. And the sample of your DNA I just ran from your urine came back with only 40 XY and there were 3 XX. What were you mixing in the lab just before you had the accident?" she asked me as she took her glasses off.

"Just some basic compounds really. A couple amino acids. Why?" I asked not really sure if I liked where this was going.

"As near as I can tell, what ever you did has changed your DNA." she said as all the color drained out of my face. "But I want you to head over to the Medical building and we’ll go see Doctor Smith. Maybe he can get this sorted out."

I followed her over to the med. building, and Doctor Smith put me thru a series of tests. Nothing major, but he compared the DNA sample he took from me against the one they mandated all athletes give before being allowed to play collegiate sports. Some rule about if there’s an accident and the team perishes they have something to go by to find out who you are. He came back and informed me that while I was still me, there was a difference in my readout. He then told me that, he didn’t know how I was doing it, or why my body was doing it, but I was changing into a woman. And by his best guess I’d be a full woman by the time I graduated.

I just sat there with a blank look on my face. I didn’t know if I was dreaming or if I had really died in the lab or this was a bad coma. I just wanted to get out of there, and I just started to run. I burst out of his office and just ran as fast as I could back to my dorm. I was shaking like a leaf when I got to my door, and must have alerted my roommate by not being able to get my key in the lock. He opened the door with the phone to his ear telling someone that I’d just arrived. He told them that he’d make sure I was alright and then thanked them for calling. You see, my roommate, was my best friend Matt. We’d known each other since pre-school and have been friends all that time. He helped me in as I collapsed into his arms and got me onto our couch.

"That was Ms. Treglia." he told me as he poured me a glass of Gatoraid. "She says your not well from that accident in the lab. What’s going on Rob?" he asked me with noted concern in his voice.

"I... don’t... want... to... talk... about... it..." I told him as I panted to catch my breath, and started to sip my drink.

"Ok, then what happened at practice today? I’ve never been able to knock you down before"

I just sat there and shook my head, signaling him that I didn’t want to talk about that either. I just crawled into bed and curled up in the blanket in the fetal position trying to figure out what was going on. I hoped that this was all a dream and I’d wake up in the hospital from a coma and non of this was really happening, as I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning and felt stiff. Not stiff like I had over done it working out the day before, but I felt like my grandmother said she feels when her arthritis acts up. As I slowly forced my way out of bed, I stood up and you could hear every joint in my body creak and pop as I moved. I guess this must have woke Matt up, because he got out of bed and just nodded to me. As he was getting dressed he was giving me funny looks and finally broke the silence.

"Hey Rob?" he started as if he didn’t really want to ask, but his curiosity was too great. "When you passed out last night, what did you mean when you were babbling about not wanting to be a girl?"

"What?" I asked as I forced myself to get dressed, fighting the pain of my body not wanting to cooperate.

"Last night, all you kept saying was ‘I don’t want to be a girl, make it stop.’ Over and over again." he said again with a concerned look on his face.

"Uh, bad dream I guess." I said trying not to blush and have to tell him the real truth.

Matt has always been able to read me like a book, and either I was getting better with my poker face, or he was going to be a good friend and not pry. Either way I felt sick, knowing I’d just lied to my best friend. But then I started to wonder how long I could keep things hidden from him. Only time would tell.

The rest of that semester went alright. I mean, I had to quit rugby, but I wasn’t on scholarship, so I didn’t really lose much. I mean besides not hanging out with the guys, and going to the parties they threw at the house some of them shared. On the bright side, my grades were amazing. Having all that extra time meant more time to study, so I actually got ahead in a couple classes. Kelly and I spent more time together, since I didn’t have to go to practice or out of town for games. So that’s another plus to not playing, right? I did have to see Doctor Smith on a regular basis, and he told me that my mutation was progressing at a steady rate. By the time I’d finished finals my XY’s were down to 35, and my XX’s were up to 8. He wasn’t sure but he did warn me that at any time I could start to notice some female physical characteristics starting to show. I tried to push it out of my mind and pointed my ‘69 Plymouth Barracuda home for Christmas break.

Kelly and Matt rode home with me and though I’d told Kelly why I was feeling run down more and more lately, I made her swear not to tell Matt. I had known Matt along time and I didn’t think he’d take the news too well about me. She agreed and didn’t say a word. We all went home and my mom greeted me at the door with a big hug and kiss. She hadn’t seen me since I’d left for school, and wanted to make sure I knew she missed me.

After I had a chance to unpack, mom made dinner and we sat at the table and talked about how our lives were going. She let me know that she got the promotion she was trying to get at work, and that we’d be going to grandma’s for Christmas this year. I told her about my grades and that Kelly and I were doing great. Then she dropped the bomb on me.

"So what happened with the rugby team? I got a call from a Ms. Triglia that you had to leave the team. What did you do?" she asked me in her stern tone, thinking I had broken a team rule or something.

"It’s not what you think mom." I told her "I’ve been having medical problems."

"I’ve been told. She told me to contact a Doctor Smith about what was happening." she told me as the color drained out of my face.

"What did he tell you?" I asked, trying not to stutter.

"He told me that he couldn’t tell me anything since you’re 18. Some bullshit about patient doctor privilege." she told me looking over the rim of her glasses. This always meant she was serious and didn’t want any cock and bull. "So what the hell is going on?"

"Um, well you see mom, it’s like this..." I told her the whole story about the lab explosion and how the test showed that little by little my DNA was changing into that of a woman.

She just looked at me blankly for a while. I think she was trying to wrap her brain around what I’d just told her. She just looked at me with a concerned look on her face that I’d seen many times before, like when I broke my arm. She sat there with her hand holding her chin and she looked at me. I could tell she wanted to cry, or hug me, or just do something to make me feel better, but she held it together like she’s done all my life. Finally she stood up and went to the liquor cabinet and poured a glass of scotch.

"You want one?" she asked me as she reached for another glass.

"Um, sure mom." I said, knowing that I needed something to calm the butterflies in my stomach.

"So how long do you have?" she asked me as she handed me my two fingers.

"Um, as near as Doctor Smith can figure, my chromosomes should be all changed by the time I’m out next spring." I told her then paused to sip my drink.

"So this Christmas will be the last normal one we have for a while I take it?" she asked. "Then next year you’ll be in mid change, and then the one after that I should plan on buying you women’s clothing." she said then paused to sip her own drink.

"Uh, I guess." I said feeling a bit uncomfortable. I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. I was just trying to get thru day to day, and didn’t really want to think about it right now either. "Can we talk about something else?" I asked out of despiration.

"Ok, how about how your clothes hang off you now. Have you lost weight?" she asked me, then took another sip of her drink.

"Uh, yeah, Doctor Smith says it’s all because of what’s happening. My body is adjusting to how I’d have looked if I’d been born a woman." I told her again getting flush in the face, not being comfortable talking about this with my mom, or anyone else for that matter.

"How much have you lost?" she asked me bluntly.

"Um, about 40 pounds so far." I said as I took another sip.

"Any idea’s on how much more you’ll lose?" she asked as she just looked at me.

"Well the doc says that since women normally have 30 to 40 % less muscle mass then men do, I could go down to anywhere from 150 to 120 pounds. He says it depends on how much I work out between now and when I finish."

She just nodded at me and set her glass down on the table. She got up and walked over to me, pulling me to my feet, and into the most tender hug I’d ever remembered her giving me. I heard her sobbing into my shoulder as she just hugged me. I didn’t know what to do, so I hugged her back, and it actually felt good to have talked to someone about the future, and what was probably going to happen to me. I mean I’d talked a bit to Kelly, but she didn’t want to think about me becoming a woman. Mom seemed to be accepting of this and wanted to show me that no matter what, I was still her child.

The rest of Christmas break went by pretty uneventful. I did get questioned by my relatives, but they all seemed to buy the story mom and I made up about how I’d gotten injured playing rugby and since I wasn’t playing anymore, I wasn’t working out as regular as I had been. Which in fact couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’d been hitting the gym harder then ever, in a futile attempt to try to not lose my size. But again, the family seemed to buy the cover and everything was good. For her part, mom held up better then I would have thought she would. I mean I know she’s a strong woman, but she didn’t flinch at all when people asked about me. Though inside I knew she was hurting.

I didn’t see Kelly much over break. Choosing instead to spend as much time with my mom as I could. Don’t get me wrong, I went on a couple dates with my girlfriend, but I didn’t spend every waking moment over there even I would have expected me to. She seemed alright with it, and we loaded up my car and her, I and Matt drove back to campus. Lucky for me, that mom bought me some new clothes in progressively smaller sizes since all my old ones made me look like a little kid trying on his dad’s clothes.

The day before classes I went to my appointment with Doctor Smith and we went thru the normal, piss here, and then on the scale. I saw that in the month break from school I’d dropped 10 pounds, and was now standing at 23 XY’s and 20 XX’s. that meant that I was now about half way thru, and though I hadn’t told my mom or Kelly, I’d started to notice a swelling in my chest. Doctor Smith noticed it too. He took measurements, and then broke the news to me that I was now an official "A" cup.

I went shopping that afternoon and tried to push the funny looks I was getting out of my mind as I struggled to find a 37 A cup bra. Not something I ever thought I’d need to do in my lifetime, but here I was in "Super Giant Mart" trying to find a bra that would fit. Thankfully a sales lady came over and helped me out. She explained to me that you have to add 1 inch to the measurement of the chest if it’s an odd number to find the band size. To my luck they did have a 38 A, but she didn’t let me just grab it an go, oh no, she started asking questions.

"So when did you start your transition?" she asked me out of the blue.

"My what?" I asked her, looking back like she was speaking Klingon.

"You’re transition dear. My kid is transsexual too, so I know what’s going on." she said with a wink.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about." I said starting to blush. "This is for my... uh, girlfriend."

"Come with me." she said not buying it and taking me by the hand into the changing room. "Ok, take off the shirt and I’ll measure you right." she told me as she pulled out a seamstress’ tape rule. "Let me guess, you just came back from the doctor’s and he told you that your hormones are starting to kick in, and you should look for a bra."

"Um, something like that." I offered back.

"Don’t worry. Just relax, and put your arms out to your sides." she told me as she wrapped the tape around my chest.

Then again right over my nipples, which made me shudder from the touch. It actually felt kind of nice, but I tried to focus.

"Ok, just as I though, your doctor was mistaken. You’re a 36 B cup, not a 38 A." she offered as she started to walk out of the room. "Wait here, I’ll be right back."

I waited in the little room and she came back with an arm full of different bras. I was shocked that there were so many styles and colors to choose from . She held up one that had a nice lace pattern in the cups.

"Here, try this one on." she said handing it to me.

I did as she asked and undid the clasp in the back, then slit my arms thru the straps. She let out a giggle as she pulled it back off me.

"Here hun, let me show you a trick." she said as she wrapped the band around me and then did the clasp in the front.

She then spun the bra around my body and helped me put my arms back thru the straps. She tugged and made sure I was all in before she spun me around and showed me how I looked in the mirror. All I could do was stare back and gasp. This was the first time it hit me that I was really changing into a woman. I actually filled out the cups of the bra and it looked like it wouldn’t be too much longer before I’d need a bigger bra.

"That looks beautiful." she offered.

I didn’t want to look beautiful. I didn’t want this to be happening, but here I was, shopping for my first bra. The nightmare was still going on. She didn’t give me time to do or say anything as she just pulled the bra off me, and helped me into another, then another, then another. All in all I tried on about a half dozen bras in there, and before I knew it, I was heading to the checkout with one of every color they had. All different styles, but all the same size. I was half way back to my dorm before the shock wore off and I realized that I’d have to explain to my roommate why I was buying all these. More over, what would I tell Kelly? I mean, I wasn’t that far off of HER bra size now and I was only half way thru my change. How would she react to her boyfriend having bigger breast then she did?

To my luck, when I got back to my room, Matt was gone. So I slipped one of the bras on like the lady at the store had shown me, and then put my t-shirt back on. I picked up my cell and went to call Kelly to try to talk to her about all this, but her number went straight to voice mail. I hung up without leaving a message, and headed down into town to get some pizza. As I walked in I saw Kelly and Matt sitting in a corner booth and they were kissing. My roommate was kissing MY girl. I stormed over and cracked him in the jaw with my fist as hard as I’d ever hit anyone. Kelly just looked back at me as Matt passed out cold, face down in his slice of ‘meat lovers.’

"What the fuck Rob?" she asked me obviously pissed off.

"What the fuck ROB?!" I shot back. "What the fuck KELLY? Is more like it!"

"What’s your deal?" she asked me as if nothing was wrong.

"What’s my deal? My girlfriend was kissing my roommate. That’s my deal!" I spat back at her as Matt started to lift his head, I cracked him in the jaw with my fist again, sending him back into dream land.

"Well I was going to tell you tonight, but you weren’t around. Matt and I have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now." she told me as cold as if she was saying the periodic table.

I just shook my head and decked Matt again as he started to come up for air from his little nap again, and stormed off. My first stop was to the Resident Hall Coordinator’s office. I told my RHC that I wanted a room change. She asked me why and I told her that I had just caught my roommate kissing my girlfriend, sorry ex-girlfriend, and didn’t want to be in the same room with him. She just nodded back at me and looked at her room list.

"The only thing I have is a single over in ‘H’ wing." she told me.

"That’s fine, my financial aid will be able to cover the difference."

She had me sign the papers, and gave me my key. I asked her if she or one of the Resident’s Assistants could come with me while I got my things out. I told her about me decking Matt 3 times and didn’t want any more trouble. She grabbed Stacy, my RA and the three of us went to my room to move me out. Matt still wasn’t there and before long, I was done and all my things were in my new room on the other side of the building.

"Can I ask one more thing? Can you both not tell anyone where I’ve moved to? I just don’t want any problems with Matt or Kelly." I asked as I thanked them both for helping me move.

They both agreed and I thought everything was going to be alright. WRONG! After about a month I went to one of my weekly meetings with Doctor Smith, and he informed me that my mutation was starting to happen faster. I explained to him that I thought something was wrong, since I’d grown 3 cup sizes in the past month, and my penis was starting to shrink. He explained to me that in all likeliness, that by the end of the school year, I’d be genetically a woman. I just broke down right there and started to cry. I stormed out of his office and just sulked back to my room. At least I could count on not being ridiculed in a room without a roommate. WRONG!

I got to my door and in big pink letters was the word "FAG" written right there in spray paint. I went to the RHC’s office and showed Helen what was up. She told me to go inside and then came back with campus security a few minutes later. They started to ask me questions on if I had an idea who did it, and why someone would want to do it.

"I have no proof but if I had to guess, it’s either my old roommate, or my ex-girlfriend." I told the officer. "They’ve been seeing each other since before we came back from semester break and neither bothered to tell me until we got back to campus."

He took down the information, and told me he’d be in touch to keep me posted as to what he found. After he took some photo’s of the door, Helen gave me some paint, and she and I covered the door in a fresh coat of white. I thanked her and she was on her way.

I heard from campus safety a couple days later that both Matt and Kelly had alibi’s for what happened to my door. They’d keep my information on file and if something happened again to let them know. I thought everything had calmed down and I started to get back to a normal flow of classes, trying to put the constant pain I was feeling as my body changed out of my mind. I even got a call from one of the guys on the rugby team that there was a party since it was just before spring break and the guys wanted to see me again. I was so happy that someone still cared about me at that point that I didn’t even think about how I’d handle it if some drunk fuck tried to do something with my new d cups. I just changed my clothes and went. That was mistake number 1.

Mistake number 2 was drinking when I got there. I didn’t realize that my tolerance had dropped so much, that before I knew it, I was drunk. Not buzzed, not tipsy. I was flat out HAMMERED! The worst part was that my so called friends only asked me there so they could see my tits. I just left and headed back to the dorm.

Perhaps it was a mistake not to let one of them walk me back. Thinking back I guess that was mistake number 3. You see, I’d let my hair grow out, and now wore it in a ponytail, that reached down to my shoulder blades. And since I was now sporting d cups and my ass had also filled out some, I can see why someone would think I was just another drunk girl coming home from a party alone. Wanna guess what happened next? That’s right, I got jumped.

Someone threw me to the ground and I remember getting punched in the mouth a couple of times. This made it so it would hurt too much to open my mouth to scream. He then ripped my shirt, and started to moan to himself as he fondled my breasts. He then yanked off my pants and got pissed when he saw my cock, or at least what was left of it hanging there between my legs. The last thing I remember was his fist coming at my face.

I woke up in the hospital and could barely see. A nurse came in and told me that I’d been raped. She got a doctor, and they told me that it’s been happening on all the campuses in the area. And that I was the third trans-gender victim they’ve had in the past month. The normal girls just get raped. If the attacker finds a penis, he beats the victim unconscious, and then rapes their ass. (My words, not his)

I asked the nurse for a mirror, and she reluctantly gave me one. My face looked like hamburger. I mean I didn’t even look like me. I looked more like someone who had gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson as a warm up for going 10 with Buster Douglass, and lost horribly. I started to cry as the cops showed up to get my statement. I told them everything I’d remembered, but it was dark and I never got a good look at his face.

I got released from the hospital the next day with instructions to my RHC, who came to pick me up, that I was to get plenty of rest. Helen took me back to the dorm and helped me get back to my room, and I thanked her for helping me. She gave me her apartment phone number that is normally reserved for staff only, and told me that if I needed anything, even if it was just to talk, to call. I thanked her again and she left. I tried to get some sleep and woke up to the sound of something hitting my door. I opened it to find that someone had filled condoms with whip cream, and thrown them at my door. Since it was 3am, I didn’t call Helen, thinking she was asleep. I just closed and locked my door again and went back to bed. I woke up the next day and found that I’d slept thru my morning classes. My next class wasn’t until 3pm, so I went to the dining hall and grabbed some lunch. Since I had no real friends, I just found a table in a corner and quietly ate my lunch, or at least what I could of it since my jaw was still sore.

That’s when the final straw came. Another cream filled condom hit the center of my table and the entire room filled with laughter and people pointing at me. I just got up and came back here.

I’m mainly writing this so my mom knows what happened. You can tell her why I did this. What is this you might ask. Good question. I’m going to take my car to the drag strip. I know they don’t start locking the gate until the season starts, so I’ll have no problem getting in. Then I’m going to start at the shutdown area, and drive as fast as my car will go to the staging lanes. I figure by the time I get to the wall there, I’ll be going around 170, or so. With no seatbelt, I should just fly thru the windshield and finish the job the rapist started. This way my mom won’t have to worry about me any more, and no one will have to look at me with pity in their eyes.

To Helen;

Thank you I know you’ve tried to be there for me, but you have your own work to do. I can’t expect you to be here every waking hour to look after me and make sure no one fucks with me. I know you’ve tried to be a friend, but I’ve seen the look of pity in your eyes when you talk to me. I don’t know what you think of me. But I can see the look that someone gives a lost child, on your face every time I’m near. Thank you for trying to help, but this is the only way.

To my mom;

I’m sorry I fucked things up. I just wish there was an easier way to deal with this. I know you’ve always wanted a little girl, but that’s just not me. No matter what I look like on the out side, please remember I’ll always be your little boy.

Robert Hanczyk

to be continued....

I promise