Raised in SLC

Introduction and Chapter 1

By Penny Reed Cardon

As I was growing up, I did not understand the thoughts and feelings that I had.

Even if I had understood them,

I would not have been allowed to embrace my inner self.

  Today those childhood feelings have come together.

I now know whom I am and who I was meant to be.

Welcome to my world of

"Misty Water Colored Memories"

Mixed with fantasy, wishes, dreams, and the horror of what might have been.

Cast of Characters

FAMILY

Mom - Edith McNeil Covington

Long Black hair, short (5'2") but very attractive, great cook.

Dad - David Covington

Macho Ex-Marine works in the security dept for a large company.

Brother - Charles - Chuck

13 years old, black hair, tall & lean but strong, loves all sports, Dads' favorite

Sister - Karen

11 years old, black hair, brown eyes, a tomboy, hates anything girly or feminine.

Me - Matthias - Matt - (Matilda)

9 years old, curly Blonde hair, blue eyes, dumbo ears, small for age, very bright,

Sister - Rachael

8 years old, long brown hair, hazel eyes, always happy & giggly, totally feminine.

My Friend's

Sara, Molly, Julie, Mary Beth, & Kimberly

MY EARLY MEMORIES

I remember standing in front of a mirror, staring at myself.  With my short curly blond hair, blue eyes, and Dumbo's ears.  I was wearing a long pink dress (at least it was long on me) with puffy sleeves. Looking down at my feet (which I couldn't see in the mirror), I saw a pair of way too big brown penny loafers.  Did I dress myself or had someone else dressed me this way?  Some questions are never answered; some mysteries are never solved

KINDERGARTEN

I remember on the first day of school Mommy got me out of the car and we walked through the gate in the fence, and across the playground holding hands.  Mommy was so tall, but then everybody is tall when you are six but you look like you're only four.  We were talking as we walked, but we always talked when we were together and we were always together.

Mommy would usually get me up early each day and we would cook breakfast for the rest of the family (Rachael was too little to help then). Then Daddy would give Mommy and me a hug and kiss as he left for work. Then Karen gave us a hugs and kisses as she left for school, Chuck just grumbled "bye" as he would leave a few minutes after Karen. Chuck never walked with his sister; he was too macho to walk with a girl.  He would meet up with his friends and they would walk together, making fun of the girls they passed along the way.

Then it would be just Mommy, Rachael, and I. First, we would wash up the breakfast dishes, and then Mommy would help me with my bath. Sometimes Mommy would bathe Rachael at the same time.  Yes, I could take a bath by myself, but it was so much more fun when Mommy helped.  Then it was time to make the beds and do the laundry.  After the laundry was done, it would be time for lunch.  Then it would be our special time, just Mommy and me (that's when Rachael would take a nap).  Sometimes we would sit and read all afternoon, that is Mommy would read, I would sit in her lap and listen.  Sometimes we would sew; Mommy made her own dresses and all the curtains in the house, and lots of other things.  Sometimes we would go out shopping (but only after Rachael woke up).  But it was always Mommy and me, almost as if Rachael wasn't there.

On this particular day after lunch, Mommy took me to school.  It was really, fun, there were lots of other kids there and lots of new things to see and do.  There were four big round tables that each had six children sitting around them. There were three boys and three girls at each table except for the table where I was sitting.  There were more girls than there were boys, so I was the only boy with five girls.  Mary Beth sat on my right and Kimberley; we all called her Kimmie, on my left. Then there were Sara, Molly, and Julie. All the girls said I was cute and that we were all going to have so much fun together.  I didn't pay much attention to who was at the other tables, because the girls around my table were so nice and friendly.  Later I would pay for that lack of attention.

Mommy sat in the back of the room that day. She took me home after school and we talked for a long time about school and how I felt about going to school.

"Oh Mommy I really liked going to school today, it was lots of fun, and I had a really good time," I told her.

"Oh Matt I am glad that you liked going to school today, but I am kind of sad too." 

"But Mommy, how can you be glad and sad at the same time," I asked.

"I'm glad that you like going to school.  You are going to learn so many new and exciting things, make new friends, and have so much fun.  But I am sad too, because we won't be able to have our special afternoons together any more," Mom told me.

"But why not," I asked, starting to get sad as I realized what she had said. It was then that I started to sniffle and a tear escaped from the corner of my eye, running down my cheek, the first of many to follow.

"Because when you go to school, you go to school every day, just like Charles and Karen do.  They go to school all day, but because you're in Kindergarten you will only go in the afternoons," she was explaining.  I could not help myself as I started to cry.  Mommy just held me and gently rocked me until I stopped crying.

Thinking back, I wondered who was taking care of Rachael that afternoon.

The next day Mommy took me to school and walked me to class but she didn't stay in the back of the room as she did the day before.  I was very sad but Mary Beth and Kimmie both hugged me until I felt better. The other girls chipped in by telling some funny stories to help cheer me up.

Each day after that, Mommy would let me out of the car and I had to walk through the gate and across the playground by myself.  If she waited until I was in the building things were okay.  However, if she drove away before I was in the building, things were not so okay.  Because I was so small, it seemed that I always being picked on by some of the bigger kids.  There were usually some first or second grade kids hanging around the doors leading into the Kindergarten classrooms.  There must be a "strange attraction to small children" that brings out the worst in big kids and bullies.

I don't remember too much more about Kindergarten except that my best friends were Mary Beth and Kimmie.  While we were at school, we did everything together, we did our art projects together.  We learned our letters' and numbers together, and during recess, we played together.  I also remember that there was one boy; he was bigger than everyone else in the class.  His name was Bartholomew Roberts.  He hated his name and told everyone to call him Bart.  He was the class troublemaker and bully.  He was always getting into trouble, talking out of turn, making gross noises, and in general making it hard for the rest of us to listen.  He always made things difficult for the teachers.  During recess, he thought it was fun to push people around and it seemed that I was his favorite victim.  It wasn't long before he had earned the nickname - Black Bart.

***** Four years later *****

"KAREN," Rachael screamed, from the room that they shared.

Karen came running through the bedroom door "What's the matter . . ." she asked before she was completely in the room, expecting to find her sister hurt or something, judging from the volume and tone of her scream.

To her surprise, Rachael was standing beside her dresser with her hands on her hips wearing her bathrobe (having just taken her morning shower) and was she mad about something.

"Have you been going through my things again?" Rachael quickly asked.

Although relieved that her sister was not hurt, the tone and anger in Rachael's voice had Karen stunned for a Moment.  Karen finally said, "Of course not why would . . ."

"What's going on in here?"  Mom asked, as she rushed into the room to find out what all the commotion was.

"Mom, Karen has been going through my things again! " Rachael said loudly before Karen had a chance to speak.

"Settle down Rachael," Mom said, "Now tell me exactly what's happened."

Calmly, but unquestionably still agitated, Rachael proceeded to tell her mother why she was upset.  "Well you know that after my laundry is done I always put away my clothes.  Then I plan what I am going to wear each day for the next week.  I also arrange my underwear in my drawer in the order that I want to wear them each day, so they will match the outfit that I'm planning to wear.  I told you several weeks ago that someone has been going through my things because they keep rearranging things in my underwear drawer.  Well today's underwear is missing, the pink vest with the red bow and the pink nylon panties with the lace across the back and around the legs."

"And you think I took them?" Karen jumped in "I wouldn't be caught dead in pink underwear, especially panties with lace.  Besides nothing of yours would fit me."

"Rachael, your sister is right you know.  Your clothes simply would not fit her," Mom said.

"Mom, I know she isn't wearing them.  She's just moving things around to make me mad."

"Oh sweetheart, I really don't think your sister would be rearranging the underwear in your drawer just to make you angry," Mom answered.

"Well then, who else would be playing with my underwear?" asked Rachael, not realizing the implication of her choice of words.

"I don't know dear, but there must be another answer.  In the meantime, just move your schedule up a day and get dressed.  Oh and Rachael, another thing, don't scream like that unless you are seriously hurt.  You had the whole family thinking you were about die or something," Mom said as she gave Rachael a kiss on her forehead, and then turned to leave.  She paused for just a Moment as if thinking about something and then continued out.

"Rachael, you are just too strange.  Nobody that I know of, other than you, plans what she is going to wear a week in advance, especially not her underwear.  You really need to learn to relax and enjoy life a little more.  After all you're only eight," Karen admonish her younger sister, closing the door as she left.

"Eight and a half!"  Rachael called out as the door closed.

Edith went back to fixing breakfast while thinking about what had gone on with the girls.  She had a suspicion that she knew who might be "playing" with Rachael's clothes, but needed more evidence

After David had gone to work and the kids left for school, Edith spent some time looking for Rachael's missing underwear.  She could not find it anywhere in the house.  She went through the laundry hamper in the kid's bathroom but didn't find the missing items.  She left everything there and would check this evening after the boys had their showers.  With four kids plus her and David there was no way there would be enough hot water for them to all take baths in the morning or evening.  Therefore, she and the girls would bathe in the morning and David and the boys would bathe in the evening.  She went through the laundry hamper waiting to go into the washer.  Then she searched the girls' room.  Lastly, she went into the boys room but still had no luck in finding the missing underwear.  She did find one odd thing.  In the back of Matt's sock drawer, she found one of Rachael's anklets (you know the kind that you fold down and has lace around the ankle).   She was going to dismiss it as having been mixed in with Matt's white socks, but then she noticed that the bottom of the sock was just a little dirty, as if someone had been wearing them on the carpet without shoes on.

That evening after the kids were in bed she checked the laundry hamper in their bathroom again.  She smiled to herself as she found the missing underwear buried half way down.  She now knew who was getting into Rachael's clothes.  The only problem was how to go about proving it without involving anyone else or embarrassing anyone.

The next day as Rachael was getting dress there was a knock on her door.

"Who's there" she called out.

"It's Mother Sweetheart.  May I come in and talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, Mom, come on in,"

"Rachael, I have a favor to ask.  Now I know that this is going to sound strange, but please just do as I ask."

"Sure, Mom.  You know I would do anything for you.  What is it?"

"Sweetheart, I know that you arrange your underwear in the order you plan to wear them, but could you leave the frilliest things you have, on top?" Edith asked.

"Well sure< I guess so.  Are you talking about the matching pink vest and panties, the ones with all the lacey ruffles on them?"

"That's the ones.  Just get out what you're going to wear each day and put them back on top.  Also, don't say anything to anyone about this, not even Karen.  Can you do that for me Sweetheart."

"I guess so, Mom.  What's this all about?" Rachael asked.

"Well I think I know who has been moving your things around, but I'm not positive.  Just leave the frilly panties on top and quietly let me know when they disappear.  Okay, Sweetheart, and promise me that you won't talk to anyone this. "

"Sure, Mom.  No problem - I promise, I won't say a word."

Several weeks went by with no unusual commotion, and no reports of anything missing

"Mom it's been almost a month.  I am starting to feel silly leaving those frilly panties on the top of the stack in my drawer," Rachael whispered to her Mom one night while helping with the dishes.

"I know, but keep it up.  I thought things would be quiet for a while after the fuss you made yelling at Karen.  Just keep putting them on top.  I think I might know how to speed things up," Mom whispered back.

The next night while they were playing Monopoly together as a family, Edith thought it was time to try to flush out the "panty bandit."

"Matt - would you mind being left home alone for a few hours this Saturday?" she asked.

"Umm I guess not," I answered. "Uh, why"?

"Well you know that your Dad has to work Saturday, and Charles has baseball practice.  I thought that I would take Karen and Rachael to the Crossroads Plaza.  It's just a few blocks from where Charles's team practices.  I need to get Karen a few new things, as she is outgrowing a lot of her clothes," she answered.

"Umm, sure.  Three or four hours alone are no problem, Mom.  I am sure I'll have more fun watching TV than hanging around the mall while Karen tries on clothes.  She takes so long deciding what she wants.  Although Rachael takes twice as long," I added with a giggle.  I jumped back away from the table quickly after saying that, knowing that Rachael's hand would be heading in the direction of my ribs.  She missed and I giggled some more.

"Oh, you're such a tease!" Rachael said while pouting.

Saturday arrived and Dad left for work early.  Chuck's baseball practice was scheduled for 9:00am so Mom hurried everyone else out to the car at about 8:45.  I was left sitting happily in the family room watching Saturday morning cartoons.  After dropping Chuck off, Mom headed back home instead of going to the mall.

"Where are we going Mom?  The mall is the other way." Karen said.

"Oh we're going home for a minute.  I, umm, forgot something," was her only reply.

As they approached their house, Edith parked the car two houses away and got out.  "You two stay here and behave yourselves.  I will be back in just a couple of minutes, okay?" she said as she got out and walked to their house.

"Why did Mom park here instead of in the driveway?" Karen asked Rachael with a very puzzled look on her face.

"I don't know," Rachael replied as she shrugged her shoulders, but she was thinking to herself.  ‘I wonder if this has anything to do with my underwear.'

Edith reached the house and very gently opened the storm door, unlocked the house door and slowly pushed it open.  Stepping inside, she gently closed both doors without making a sound.  She then reached down and slipped off her shoes so she could move around the house quietly.  As she slowly made her way toward the family room, she could hear that the TV was still on.  Upon arriving, she could see that Matt was not there.  The bathroom door was open and the light was off so she knew he wasn't in there.  As she went down the hall towards the kid's bedrooms she noticed that the boys' bedroom door was standing wide open and its light was also off, but that the girls' bedroom door was closed.  As she moved closer, she could here someone moving about in the girls' room.  She quietly turned the doorknob, pushed the door open just a crack, and peeked in.  She smiled when she saw that it was indeed Matt that was in the girl's room.  She gently pushed the door open and stepped into the room.

I froze suddenly, gripped by terror when I noticed that the bedroom door was open and Mom was standing there looking at me.  It seemed like hours before she spoke, although it was probably only a few seconds.  "Hello Matt, or should I call you Matilda?" she finally said with a smile.

I still hadn't moved since seeing her.  My arms were out and all my weight was on my left leg while my right leg was sticking out behind me.  As I had been spinning around, I was frozen in mid-spin. 

"Well aren't you going to say hello?" Mom asked.

I closed my mouth, which had dropped open about twelve inches, and was barely able to squeak out a faint high-pitched "HI."

"Well let's see what we have here.  Your sister's' pink ruffled party dress.  The band at the bottom of the puff sleeves seem to be a bit tight on your arms.  The waist seems to be the right size, and the length is just about right.  I see you had trouble with the zipper, being that it's not all the way up," she said as came over and finished zipping it up, noticing the pink lace vest underneath.  She then lifted the ruffled hem of the dress to confirm her suspicions.  "The pink lace vest and ruffled panties, too, I see," she added.  She was a little surprised at how well they fit though.  Then she went over, sat down on Rachael's bed, and patted the bed next to her.

Slowly, I started to come back to life as I came to realize that Mom wasn't yelling at me.  I lowered my foot and both arms and turned to face Mom.  No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't look at her, so I just looked at the lacy anklets on my feet as I tried to force them to move.  It seemed to take an hour to get my feet to take the three steps to get me to the bed.  I slowly turned and sat down.  Without thinking about what I was doing; I smoothed the back of the dress against my bottom with my hands as I sat.

Edith was surprised as she watched her son smooth the back of the skirt under his bottom as he sat down.

"I see you have been dressing for some time," she commented.  "Most boys would have just plopped down."

I just sputtered and stammered, not being able to make any coherent words come out of my mouth.

"Well, you have fun dear," Mom said as she patted my knee.  "We should be home about 12:30.  Be sure that you have everything put away before we get home, and we'll talk about this later."  She then leaned over and kissed me on the top of my head, got up and left, closing the bedroom door as she went.

I sat there for what seemed like days before I got up and got undressed.  I wished that Mom had not finished zipping up the zipper; it took forever to get it down so I could take off the dress.  I was sad as I removed the dress and carefully hung it up, then folded the vest and panties and putting them back in their drawer.  I then got dressed in my clothes.

I went into the family room, turned off the TV and then went into my room where I lay down on my bed and started to cry.  I knew I was a dead man (or rather a dead boy).  Mom would tell Dad, the girls and Chuck.  They would tell their friends, and soon everyone at school would know about me dressing in girl's clothes.  ‘OH NO' I thought.  ‘What is going to happen to me once BLACK BART finds out?'  I was shaking with terror as I cried.  I don't know how long I cried, but my pillow was soaked before I finally fell asleep.

"So Mom, what did you forget and why did we park here instead of in the driveway?" Karen asked, when Edith got back to the car.

"Oh I just needed Matt's measurements.  I need to get a few things for him while we are out."

"Why didn't you just bring him along?" Rachael wanted to know.

"Not this time dear.  Maybe another time" Edith said.  As she looked at Rachael in the back seat through the rear view mirror, she winked and Rachael winked back.  She finally realized what Mom was doing and who had been playing in her underwear drawer.  She also remembered that she had promised her Mom not to talk about it with anyone, so she just sat in the back seat and smiled. 

After they were done shopping, they stopped back at the ball diamond to pick up Chuck.  "So how did practice go?" Edith asked Chuck

"Just great Mom, I knocked the ball over the back fence twice and right next to the fence two more times.  The team we play next Wednesday night isn't going to know what hit them," he beamed.

"That's terrific!  Your father is going to be so proud of you.  I know he's trying to juggle his schedule so he can be at Wednesday night's game," Mom said.

"So what all did you guys get at the mall?" Chuck asked the girls.

"Never mind Charles.  Just girl's things," Mom cut in before either of the girls could answer.

"OK! OK! I don't need to know the details."

When they got home and Edith had parked the car, she turned to the kids as they were getting out and said, "Wait just a minute, please.  I need to check on something in the house before you come in.  Please wait here until I come back out."

She quickly and quietly went in the house looking for Matt.  She found that he was on his bed asleep.  From his tear-streaked face, she knew that he had cried himself to sleep.  Her heart broke as she realized the pain she had caused her small son; that had not been her intention.  She also noticed that he was still wearing his sister's lace anklets.  She quickly got a blanket out of the linen closet and covered him with it, hiding the anklets.  She left the room pulling the door closed as she went.  Then she went to the car to retrieve the others.

"What's up with Mom?" Chuck asked the girls as Edith went into the house.

"I don't know.  She has been acting funny all day," Karen said, and then related the strange chain of events that took place between the time they had dropped him off at the ball diamond and when they picked him up.

Rachael said nothing, as she was bound by her promise to her Mother, and she never broke a promise.

Edith arrived back at the car a few moments later "All right now, let's get this car unloaded.  Oh Charles, Matt is asleep in his bed.  Please don't go in your room right now." She said.

"But Mom, I need to put away my gear and change out of my uniform." Chuck protested.

"I will get you some other clothes and you can change in the bathroom." She said.

"Oh Mom!  Sharing a room with Matt is getting to be more and more a pain in the butt every day.  I sure wish I had my own room," Chuck grumbled as he was going to the house.

Later when they were alone, Rachael whispered to her Mom, "It's Matt, isn't it."

Edith nodded and whispered back "Just remember your promise.  No one can know about this."

"I remember, Mom.  I won't tell a soul," Rachael replied.

Sometime later, I finally woke up; I'm not sure how long I had been sleeping.  I rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom.  I didn't notice the extra blanket or the fact that I had left the bedroom door open and it was now closed. I also failed to notice that I was still wearing Rachael's lace anklets.  My mind was too preoccupied, I was thinking about Mom catching me wearing Rachael's clothes and was wondering what my future would bring.  That's IF I was going to have a future.

Edith had arranged for Chuck and the girls to spend the rest of the day with friends, as she wanted to have an uninterrupted visit with Matt when he woke up.  She moved her favorite chair around so she could read and have an unobstructed view of the hallway leading to the boy's bedroom.  A while later she heard the boy's door open and looked up to see Matt blindly stagger across the hall and into the bathroom.  She marked her place, closed her book and waited for Matt to reemerge.

I was going to go back to my bed to contemplate the various meanings of "Dead Meat" and how they would apply to me when my Dad got home or what would happen when Black Bart found out about . . .

"Hello sleepy head," Mom called out, shattering the silence.

I was so startled by this that I stumbled and had to grab the nearest doorframe to keep from falling down.

"Matt, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to startle you like that," Mom said as she rushed to my side.  "I thought that we could have our little talk now.  But you might want to change your socks before anyone else comes home."

It was then that I noticed I was still wearing the lace anklets.  I thought I couldn't cry any more, but was proven wrong as everything came back to me.  I slumped to the floor and started crying again.  Mom knelt down next to me and started talking to me.  I know that words were coming out of her mouth, but I didn't hear anything except my own sobbing.  Mom gently took Rachael's socks off my feet, folded them together and put them in the pocket of her dress.  She finally managed to get me to my feet and helped me into my bedroom.  She sat next to me on my bed, holding me close and slowly rocking back and forth.  I don't know how long we stayed like that.  Time has no meaning when one is facing extinction, as I thought I was.

After I'd been crying for a while and had started to calm down, I could hear my mother's sweet and gentle voice.  "Calm down, Matt.  It's okay.  No one is going to hurt you.  Hush now.  It's all right.  Everything is going to be all right."  After what seemed like an eternity I moved, but only my head as I slowly looked up into my mothers eyes.  Those beautiful blue eyes and the smile on her face helped me to slowly stop crying.

Mom reached into her pocket for the handkerchief, which she was never without.  However, the first things that came out of her pocket were Rachael's anklets.  When I saw them I started crying harder again.

"Now stop this," Mom said gently.  "We have to talk before the others get home, and we can't talk as long as you are crying."

Slowly I was beginning to realize just how much my mother loved me.  By the look on her face and the tone of her voice, and the urgency to talk before anyone else came home I came to the realization that maybe, just possibly my life was not about to come to an end.  I nodded, although still sniffling as Mom wiped my eyes with Rachael's sock.

"So tell me, Matt. How long have you been dressing?"  Mom asked.

I just looked at her with a puzzled expressing on my face.  "How, how long have I been (sniffle) been what?"  I finally said.

"Dressing!  That is, dressing as a girl in your sisters clothes."  She said.

"Ah."  I stammered

"Well how long?"  She asked again in a very gentle voice.

"Well - Um - I - Um - I guess (sniffle) - Ah - Since I was - Oh geese - I guess about two (sniffle, sniffle)   - Um no - Well about three (sniffle) three years - Um I guess."  I finally stammered out as I hung my head.  I couldn't bear to look at Mom.  I knew she would be disappointed in me.

Mom slowly lifted my chin so I would have to look into her eyes.  When I saw the love in her eyes and the smile on her face, I almost started crying again.

"Now, Now Matt, no more of that." she said gently with a smile.  "We aren't done yet.  Do you remember about a month ago when Rachael was upset with Karen for getting into her things?"

I slowly nodded.  "Do you know why Rachael was upset?"  Mom asked.

Again, I slowly nodded, not daring to open my mouth out of fear that I might start crying again.

"Matt, did you have Rachael's pink underwear on that morning?"  She asked bluntly.

I started to shake my head, but then changed and nodded.  I could never tell my mother a lie.  She somehow, seemed to know everything anyway.

"I borrowed them the (sniffle) the night before.  I was going to put them (sniffle, sniffle) back but I didn't have a chance.  Then after Rachael got so upset, and everything (sniffle) was so crazy I didn't even have a chance to change (sniffle, sniffle) change before school."  I blurted out so fast that I couldn't stop myself.

"You wore them to school that day?"  Mom asked.  I could tell that she wasn't shocked.  All I could do was nod.

"You must have been really scared, afraid of being caught."  Mom said, holding me close so I wouldn't start crying again.  Then she continued, "Wait a second.  Isn't that the day that you had that big math test, the one that you did so poorly on and couldn't tell me why?"  I slowly nodded and she said.  "Well as least now we know why you did so poorly on that test when you usually do a lot better."

"Matt can you tell me why you have been dressing in your sisters clothes?" she asked and patiently waited for me to answer.

After what seemed like hours I finally opened my mouth "Well I'm not real sure (sniffle).  I just know that I like them better (sniffle, sniffle) than my clothes.  I feel better when I'm, . . . (sniffle, sniffle) when I'm wearing them.  It's as if those are the clothes (sniffle) that I am supposed to be wearing.  I don't know why I, umm, it just feels right somehow (sniffle, sniffle).  Like umm.  Oh, I don't know, just right somehow."  I knew I wasn't making any sense.  How could I tell Mom how I felt when I didn't know how I felt?  I just knew that it was somehow right for me to be in girls' clothes and wrong to be in boys' clothes.

Mom thought about what I had said for a while.  "Well we need to talk more about this but right now, you had better go and wash your face and I need to start dinner.  Your Dad will be home soon and we don't want him to see that you've been crying all afternoon, do we?" she said with a smile.  "We'll keep this just between us for now, OK?"

I looked into the soft blue eyes and knew that she wasn't going to tell Dad or anyone else.  As I realized that I wasn't going to die today, I gave Mom a hug.  Later as I went through the family room into the kitchen, I noticed in Mom's chair the book she had been reading "Psychology . . . something or other" 

A few weeks later, I learned that my mother had been studying, for a Doctorate Degree in Child Psychology, before she met Dad and got married.

I was helping Mom with dinner when the girls got home.  I tried to avoid looking at them, thinking that they might know my secret.  Just then, Rachael rushed up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss on my cheek.  She didn't say anything.  Mom just looked at her and smiled.  Then she went off to her room.

"Now what was that all about?"  I whispered to Mom.

"She knows, Dear," Mom whispered back.  Seeing the scared look on my face, she continued.  "Don't worry dear.  She has promised to never talk about it with anyone, and you know how Rachael feels about keeping a promise."

The evening went smoothly, there was the normal "yuck" about having too many veggies from Chuck, "mind your manners" from Dad, and "how was your day?" and so on.  Dinner was almost over when Mom, out of the blue started talking to Dad saying, "Dear, you know with all of Charles's sports equipment, and uniforms and the fact that he will be fourteen in a couple of months.  I was thinking that he really needs his own room."

Chuck stopped in mid-chew, as he started to pay very close attention to the conversation, something he never did.

"What?"  Dad sputtered, almost losing what was in his mouth.

"Well, with all of his things, and his desk in that small room, there isn't any room for Matt," she said before Dad could continue.

"What are you saying?  That we need to buy a new house?"  Dad finally got out.

"No, of course not.  What I was thinking is that we could finish off part of the basement as a bedroom for Charles.  Then he would have the space he needs for his sports equipment, someplace to do his homework, and the privacy that a teenage boy wants."

"For a minute there I was thinking you wanted a new five bedroom house," Dad said jokingly

"Well, you never know what Karen might need in a few years," Mom replied grinning like the Cheshire cat from "Alice in Wonderland."  With the expression on her face, everybody knew that she was teasing Dad.

"Ok, Ok, What did you have in mind?"  Dad asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

"Well like I said, there is that room in the basement that we started a while ago.  The wall studs are already up, so all we would need is to add a closet and put up some drywall and some paint."  Mom was well into planning the next couple of weekends for Dad, and he knew he was going to have to juggle his work schedule again.

Later that night, I quietly went to Mom to ask her a question.  "Mom - Um - all this about moving Chuck into his own room, ... Is that really for him, or are you doing it for me?" I whispered into her ear.

Her only reply was a smile that would melt your heart, and tell you how much a mother loves her child.

Three weeks later, all of Chuck's things were moved into his new room in the basement.  Mom, Dad, and Chuck had done a great job of finishing it, and in record time.  Chuck had almost twice as much space as he'd had before and he was delighted to have his own room.  Through it all, I knew that it also meant that I would get to have my own room, and the privacy that I needed.

*** To be continued ***

I would like to thank my dear friends,

Angel O’Hare, Karen Page, Joni W. and Holly Logan

for their kindness, help, support and input.

Raised In SLC

 Chapter 2 

By Penny Reed Cardon

 About a week after Chuck moved into his new room, Mom arranged for a new chest of drawers for me, as Chuck had taken the drawers that he and I had shared.  My new drawers were really, nice.  There were six wide drawers in a single column, which was three more than I needed.  The top drawer had a lock in it, which was locked for some reason.  When I asked mom about it she told me, “Don’t to worry your pretty little head about it.”  Now what do you suppose she meant by that?

A couple of days later, as I was getting ready for bed, someone knocked at my door.  “Who’s there?”  I called out politely.

“Matt, it’s Mother, may I come in?”

“Just a second, Mom,” I said as I quickly finished getting my pajamas on, then opened the door.  “Hi Mom what’s up?”

Mom closed the door and sat on my bed.  Out of her pocket, she pulled a small key and offered it to me.

“This is the key to your top drawer, Matt.  You and I are the only ones that have access to it,” she said, almost whispering and appearing just a little bit nervous.

I slowly took the key and looked at it.  It didn’t seem any different from any other key.

“Go ahead Matt, open the drawer.  I think you're going to like what you'll find inside,” Mom told me.

 I went to my chest of drawers and slowly inserted and turned the key.  As I pulled the drawer open, I was greeted by a rainbow of colors.  On the left side of the drawer near the front was a stack of neatly folded panties, some pink, white, yellow, red, blue and purple; most of them were covered with lace.  Behind the stack of panties was an equally colorful stack of neatly folded vests, but only a few of them had lace on them.  Next to the panties and vests were what appeared to be several nightgowns.  Most of them were flowing with lace or ruffles, a couple of them had matching panties.  On the right side of the drawer were several pairs of lace anklets, knee socks and even a couple pairs of tights, all in an assortment of colors.  In the back of the drawer was some sort of mesh material, which I'd never seen before.

 “Um mom, why are these in my drawer?”  I asked with a very timid voice.

 “What’s the matter, Matilda?  You don’t like your new selection of underthings and nightwear?” Mom asked with a smile.

 “Uh Mom, these are girls underthings, and why are you calling me Matilda?”  I asked while absent-mindedly caressing the soft nylon panties.

 “Of course they're girls underthings, silly one,” Mom said as she rose from my bed and moved to stand next to me.  “And if you had been born a girl you would have been named Matilda instead of Matthias.”

“But I’m a boy and my name is Matthias.  And I’m not supposed to like or wear girls underthings.  If anyone finds out that I have been . . .” I just couldn’t finish that thought.  I started to shake just thinking about what would happen.

Mom gently put her arms around me and moved me back to the bed.  Sitting down, she held me close.   “Settle down Matilda.  It’s okay, just calm down, and don’t start crying on me now.”  Her soothing words and the comfort of being held so close was all that kept me from crying.

“Let me talk for a few minutes and you just listen,” she continued.  “After our talk a month ago I've done a lot of research.  I talked with some friends of mine from the University and I’ve also talked with your teachers.  What I found out from your teachers is that this past month you’ve not been doing so well in school.  The week before that you did exceptionally well, you were participating in class and in general having fun.  The month before that, you did poorly, no participating in class, sad and moody.  Before that, you had good weeks and bad weeks.  The good weeks were exceptionally good and the bad weeks were just as exceptionally bad.  Your teachers are at a loss to understand it.  They have no idea what could be causing your attitude and performance to swing so rapidly from one end of the scale to the other.  After talking to my friends at the University, then checking the dates that your school performance was good and comparing those dates to when I knew you were dressing in your sisters’ clothes.  I discovered they matched.  It's just as you said, Dear.  You're happier when you wear girl's clothes and sad when you can’t.”

I just sat there, in my mother's arms, while she talked, trying to understand what she was saying.  The only part that I really understood was that I was happy when I wore girl's clothes and was sad when I couldn’t.

“But I'm a boy,” I cried softly.  “I’m not supposed to like or wear girl's clothes.”

“Well all the evidence points to the contrary.  The research I've done suggests that you have what is clinically known as ‘Gender Dysphoria’ although without some testing and an evaluation by a certified psychiatrist, we can’t be sure.  I have arranged for you to see a friend of mine, but she's booked solid for the next few weeks.  In the meantime she suggests that you be allowed to freely express your inner self

“What is Gender Dys . . .?” I tried to ask.

“Well, your father would call it ‘Psycho Babble,’ but to put simply it means that in your mind and in you heart, you believe that you're a girl.  You are happy when you can dress that way and you are sad, moody and depressed when you can’t,” Mom explained.

“What did you mean when you said that I should be allowed to express my inner self?”  I asked.

“It means, that if you feel better when you’re wearing girls underthings then you should be allowed to do so.  Therefore, I got you some of your own.  That way you won’t have to keep borrowing from your sister.  You know, your sister Rachael is so smart she figured out it was you that had been going through her underwear drawer about the same time I did.  She's okay with all of this, and even offered to let you borrow her underwear, she loves you so much.  But, I thought it would be best if you had your own.  I also added some nightgowns in case you wanted something a little more feminine to sleep in.  I suggest that you only wear these things here at home, in the evenings and on the weekends.  If by chance someone at school happened to catch you using the restroom wearing girl's panties, there is no way I or anyone else would be able to stop the other kids from teasing you.  You understand that, don't you?”  Mom cautioned me.

“Oh yes Mom, I understand that.  That day when I accidentally had to wear Rachael’s underwear to school, I was so scared; I almost wet my self before I had the nerve to use the school’s restrooms.”  I confessed.  “Mom, what’s that odd mesh thing in the back of the drawer?”  I had to ask.

“Oh, that’s a laundry bag.  After you have taken your nightly shower, don’t put Matilda’s underwear in the laundry hamper in the bathroom.  You need to keep putting Matt’s underwear in there.  Put Matilda’s underwear in that bag and put it in the small laundry hamper that I’ve put in the back of your closet.  Three times each week, while I’m doing laundry, I will come get it and see that your things are washed and returned before anyone else comes home.

I couldn’t help myself as I threw my arms around my mother.  “Oh Mom, I love you.”  I cried, over and over.  I came to realize that my mother understood what I was feeling, even if I didn’t understand it completely.  At that moment in time, I was the happiest girl on earth.

“Well, I better leave and let you get ready for bed,” Mom said, grinning as she got up to leave.  “You still have school in the morning, so get some sleep.”  She kissed me on my forehead before she left. 

I locked the door.  I looked over the colorful array before me as I stripped off my pajamas and underwear.  I’d never had so many options before.  I finally decided to wear some pink panties with lots of lace along with a matching vest.  Then I slipped into a knee length pink satin nightgown, with ruffles around the short sleeves and around the bottom.  I slowly crawled into my bed, enjoying the sensations of being tickled by all that lace and the ruffles.  I fell asleep with a smile on my face.  I slept so soundly and peacefully that I didn’t hear Mom’s usual wake up knock.  In fact, I didn’t wake up until I heard Chuck pounding on my door, yelling at me to get up, as he was leaving for school. 

Mom knocked on my door a few moments later.  “May I come in dear?” she asked

“Um, I’m not dressed yet Mom,” I replied.

“That's what I figured dear.  I'm assuming you're still in your nightclothes though.  Could we talk for just a minute?” she said.

“Is anyone else home?”  I asked quietly through the door.

“No Matilda, everyone else has left.  It’s just you and me.”

I unlocked the door and slowly opened it.

“I was just wondering how you slept last night and if . . . Oh I see you did take advantage of my little gift,” she said with a smile, as she came into my room and saw what I was wearing.

“I just thought I would try them on.  Um, well, actually, Mom, I did sleep in these.  Oh, Mom, it felt so wonderful and was just so, dreamy, sleeping in this satin nightgown.  I don’t think I woke up once all night,” I said as I floated back to my bed and gracefully sat down.  “Mom, I had the most wonderful dream last night.  I was in a beautiful gown with lots of flowing lace and ribbons.  All my friends were there and we all were having such a wonderful time, there were balloons, cake, and ice cream, and presents and we were all dancing around showing off our pretty dresses.  Oh, Mom, I have never been so happy and peaceful, I just didn’t want to wake up.”

“I could tell, Sweetheart.  I knocked once, Rachael knocked twice, it finally took Charles pounding on your door to get you to come out of that dream world you were in, but right now, you’re going to be late for school.  So you better hurry up and change and I'll take you to school so you’re not too late,” Mom said as she hugged me and left so I could get dressed for school.

Boy's clothes are so yucky, after sleeping in such blissful elegance.  I really wanted to keep my panties on, but I knew that mom was right.  If anyone at school caught a glimpse of them, I would be a dead girl before the end of the week.

The next few weeks went by quickly.  I would get home from school and immediately change into my nice underwear.  Just before getting into bed, I would put on a lovely nightgown to sleep in.  As I was spending my evenings and night's dressed in the way I felt the most comfortable, I was becoming happier each day.  Mom had to take me to school several times because I just couldn’t seem to wake up on time.  Rachael and I developed a special relationship that grew way beyond that of brother and sister.  We were … “Sisters!”  We shared clothes whenever we could.  She loved the longer nightgowns that mom had bought for me and I really liked her short Baby Doll nighties with the matching panties.  Therefore, we traded back and forth often.  During those few weeks, as I enjoyed being Matilda, my grades in school soared.  I didn’t even mind that I had to wear boy's clothes during the day, well, not very much, anyway.  Everyone noticed a change in me; I was kinder, happier and more helpful to everyone.  I even helped Chuck when it was his turn to wash dishes.  He was almost in shock.

Almost before I knew it, school was out for the summer and I was able to wear my nice underwear all the time.  Rachael and I were still trading back and forth.  Mom, Rachael and I even went shopping for a few more, frilly, girly things.  Rachael and I became inseparable.  We were either playing board games or on the computer, (if Chuck wasn’t hogging it), at home by ourselves or with her friends, or mine over at Liberty Park.  We seemed to spend a lot more time with Mary Beth and Kimmie.  Rachel thought they were more grownup than her friends, (which of course they were).  Nevertheless, wherever we were, we were together.  Some of our friends’ parents were beginning to think we were twins.  I almost didn't mind that they thought of us as twins.  After all, we were sharing our clothes, our friends, our days and we were after all, the same physical size.

It was about three weeks after school was out that Mom had arranged for me to meet with her friend from school, Jill Morgan. 

“Well, how did it go?”  Mom asked as I got into the car after my first meeting with Jill.

“That’s kind of hard to say.  Jill was real nice about everything . . . Oh yeah, she said that I should call her Jill instead of Ms. Morgan.  Then she asked me about how I felt about you, Dad and then how I felt about Chuck, Karen and Rachael.  You know, how we got along and so on.  Then we talked about school and my friends there.  You know, who I liked to talk with, who I liked to spend time with, stuff like that.  We didn’t talk very much about me, or how I feel about things.  I thought that's what we were supposed to talk about,” I said.  I added.   “Oh we did talk about you a little.  She said that you were going to school to do what she's doing.  Is that right?”

“That’s right, Dear.  I was about six months away from my Doctorate degree when Charles was born.  After that, I just didn’t want to go to school any more.  I just wanted to be with my children,” she answered, kind of lost in thought and memories at the same time.  “But anyway, I’m sure that Jill will want to talk more about you and how you feel, the next time you see her.”

“You mean I have to see her again?  This wasn’t a one time thing?”  I was shocked as I asked that question.

Mom just chuckled as she replied, “Oh Matilda!”  By this time mom was calling me Matilda any time we were alone, although she always called me Matt when we were in public.  It was kind of confusing.  “This is definitely not just a one-time thing.  You'll be meeting with Jill every week for a while, then once every two weeks for quite some time.  It will take more than just a little time, and some tests to determine if my suspicion is correct.”

"What was it you called it?”  I asked.

"What did I call what?"

"That thing . . . You know . . . What it is that you think is wrong with me?”  I asked very softly, almost in a whisper.

“Oh no Matilda.  You misunderstand.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with you,” Mom said as she rested her hand on my knee as she drove.  “As I told you before, I think that you have a condition where, although you were born with a boy's body, you actually have the mind, heart and soul of a girl.  We don’t know why this sort of thing happens, but it does.  I believe that it’s a choice you made in the pre-existence, like a special calling from our father in heaven.  Anyway, that’s the best way to describe what it means.  It would also explain why you feel better when you dress as Matilda at home and why when you couldn’t, your grades at school dropped.  It also explains what happened while we were on vacation last week.  You were happy as a lark before we left but were sad and miserable the entire week we were away from home and you couldn’t be yourself.  Then, when we got back home you were happy again.”

“Are you telling me that I change that much, just because of what I'm wearing?”

“You do indeed Matilda.  I saw that sad puppy dog look on your face every time Rachael opened her suitcase.  Why, you were practically drooling.  I'm sorry that you couldn't take any of your things with us, but you know there just wasn't any privacy while we were camping for a week at Zion National Park.  Karen and Rachael both noticed how sad you were as well, although Karen doesn’t know why.  As for you and Rachael, you've become so close I sometimes think of you two as twin sisters.  I even thought of moving her into your room, but only for a second.  Your father would flip if I even suggested such an idea,” Mom giggled as she talked about Rachael and me sharing a room.

“Anyway, if your talks with Jill go as I think they will, in about six months, maybe as soon as Christmas, I think we'll be introducing Matilda to Karen, Chuck, and even to your father.  What do you think about that?”  Mom asked as we pulled into the driveway and parked.

Just the thought of telling my dad had me was shaking like dried leaves on a maple tree in the fall.  Mom pulled me over next to her and put her arm around me.  “Take it easy, Matilda.  We'll build up to that nice and slow, it’s not something we have to do right away.  By the time you’re ready, I'll have had a chance to talk to your father and have him softened up to the idea.  It’s not going to be any big deal, really.  Just settle down and don’t worry about it right now.”  She spoke so calmly, and with that voice of hers that could melt your heart, so that I soon forgot about most of my fears.

As we got in the house, Rachael could see that I'd been crying, so she rushed over and gave me a hug.

“Matt, why don’t you take Rachael to your room,” Mom suggested.  “You can tell her everything that's happened today.  I know she feels left out because she had to stay home.”

I looked at Mom wide eyed, surprised by what she'd said.  I mean this was some really, heavy stuff even for me, and I’m ten years old … well, almost ten.  But was Rachael ready for me to tell her everything?  Mom just smiled at me and nodded, indicating that she knew exactly what she had said and what it meant.  I shrugged my shoulders, took Rachael by the hand, and led her to my room so we could talk privately.

“So what’s going on Matt?  What’s this all about?  Who is this mysterious doctor you went to see?”  Rachael was talking a mile a minute as usual.

“Well, umm, let’s start off with the easy stuff.  First off, before Mom and Dad got married, Mom was studying to be a ‘Child Psychologist’.  That's how she was able to read the signals that I was sending,  even I didn’t know I was sending any signials.”

“You mean Mom was going to be a shrink?”  Rachael interrupted.

“Yes, and from what Jill says, that’s Jill Morgan she is a friend of Moms, Mom was at the top of her class at the University,” I said after she let me continue.

“So this Jill person is a shrink too.  She’s the mysterious doctor you went to see?”

“Umm . . . Yeah . . . That’s right, but that isn’t all, I will be seeing her once a week . . .”

“For how long?”  Rachael is just full of questions as she interrupted me again.

“I don’t know how long.  Mom says that it will be for a long time, she isn’t sure just how long.” As I said this, I was starting to feel a little sad, which Rachael noticed and gave me another hug.

“Secondly, you know how I like to wear girls clothes and how I act like a girl most of the time.  Mom thinks I have something called “Glenda . . . Gendurra . . .” oh forget it; you'll have to ask Mom how to pronounce it.  What it means is, I have a boy’s body but I've got a girl’s brain, at least I think that is what Mom said.  Anyway, Jill’s supposed to be able to figure out if that’s really what is going on or not.”

“Oh Matt, that must be the case.  The only people I know of who are as nice as you, are all girls.  All the boys that are our ages are all mean, rowdy, brats and bullies.”  I got another hug from Rachael as she said that.

“Anyway that’s why Mom got me the girl's underwear and nightgown's.  Jill told her that she should get them for me, in order to help me get in touch with my inner feelings.  I need to be able to dress as my feelings dictate, as Jill put it.  So I guess that means that we can keep swapping clothes, at least for a while.”

“That’s great, Matt!  Mom bought you some really nice stuff, so much nicer than a lot of mine.”  Rachael was giggly as she said this.

“There are a couple of other things.  Umm, Rachael, when we’re alone I would like umm . . . I mean would you mind umm . . .”

“Well it can’t be that bad, Matt. Just spit it out” 

“Well … When we’re alone … would you mind calling me Matilda?”  I said, very fast just to get it out.

“Oh Matt that’s a wonder … oops sorry.  Matilda's a wonderful name.  Did you come up with it?”

“No, Mom did actually.  She told me that if I had been born a girl, they'd have named me Matilda.  Mom started calling me Matilda a couple of months ago and um … I really like it,” I said with a smile.

Rachael just smiled as she sat there thinking.

“Oh there is one more thing.  Mom said that maybe in about six months I might be able to introduce Matilda to Karen and Chuck; and then even t – to t – t ell D - D - Dad.”  I was shaking again as I said that.  Rachael knew I was scared of Dad, and why.  She hugged me for a long time.

Just then, there was a knock at the door.  “Matt, Rachael, dinner’s ready.”  Mom called through the door.

“Mom, could you come in please?”  Rachael asked nervously, as I was still shaking with fear from thinking about how Dad would react to all this.

Mom opened the door and came in.  Seeing the condition I was in, she closed the door and came over to the bed.  Rachael let go of me as mom put her arms around me. 

“What happened to cause this?” she asked.

“Matilda was telling me that she would have to introduce herself to Dad.  She fell apart after that,” explained Rachael.

“Oh, Matilda it’s OK.  You need to stop this now.  Just put this business of your father out of your mind.”  Mom was rocking me gently as she was talking.  “Your father isn’t really as mean as you think he is.”

“B - But Mom, r - remember last fall when Chuck and I were playing ball in the back yard, when I hit the ball through the kitchen window?  R - Remember how mad D - Dad was that day.  He picked me up, carried me into my room and threw me onto my bed.  Two of the boards that hold the springs broke that day,” I stammered, as I reminded her of that incident.

“Well, it just means that I have a lot of work to do to get him ready to accept this,” Mom said with a voice of confidence.  "In the meantime you two better get washed up for dinner before your brother eats it all,” she chuckled.

The next few weeks were just great and went by real fast.  I saw Jill every week, we talked a lot about me and how I feel, about lots of different things.  She had me take several tests.  I didn't mind multiple-choice questions or the test with the five-hundred-thirty-eight question true / false test.  But I really hated the test with all the essay questions.  She even had me go to the hospital and have some blood taken for some tests there.

About two weeks before school was to start, I received an invitation to Mary Beth’s birthday party.  Actually, Rachael received the invitation.  It was going to be the Saturday just before school started.  The invitation was actually addressed to Rachael and Matilda.

When Mom saw the invitation, she almost flipped.  “I thought we were keeping Matilda a secret until Christmas?”  Mom asked excitedly, forgetting that Karen was in the room.

“Who’s Matilda?”  Karen asked casually.

“Nobody special,” Mom said quickly “She’s just a friend of Matt’s”

“So why are we keeping her a secret?” Karen asked, now that her curiosity was aroused.

“Never mind Karen.  We’ll talk about her later,” Mom said, leaving the room.

“Boy, I just don’t know what’s going on around here any more.  First Chuck gets that great big room in the basement.  Then Matt starts seeing this mysterious doctor every week.  Now he has some secret girl friend.  I just don’t know what’s going on any more,” Karen was muttering to herself as Rachael and I left the family room.

Latter that evening mom ushered Rachael and I into my room and closed the door.  “All right how did Mary Beth find out about Matilda?”

“Well,” Rachael started, “you know how much time Matilda and I have been spending together.  We have also been spending a lot of time with Mary Beth and Kimmie.  And umm well . . . it just sort of slipped out one day.”

“What slipped out, tell me everything.”

“About two weeks ago” I continued with the story, “Rachael and I were playing on the swings over at Liberty Park.  Nobody else was around and so Rachael was calling me Matilda, like she always does.  Then Mary Beth came into the park and started swinging too.  Well, Rachael asked me some question, I don’t even remember what, only she forgot to switch back.  She called me Matilda in front of Mary Beth.  Of course, Mary Beth wanted to know why Rachael had called me Matilda.  By then some other kids were playing on the swings as well, so we went to another part of the park where we could talk privately.”

“It was my fault,” Rachael jumped in. “Before Matilda could stop me I kind of, well … I told Mary Beth everything.”

“At first, Mary Beth thought that Rachael was just joking with her,” I said.  “Then she looked over at me and saw that I was blushing and I’m sure I looked really embarrassed.  Then she looked back at Rachael and saw that she was serious.  Then I think she looked back at me.  I was looking at the ground by then and almost in tears.  She took one of my hands into hers and gently used her other hand to lift my chin, so she could look into my eyes.  She spoke so softly, just like you do Mom when I'm about to cry.  She told me that she always knew there was something special about me.  From that first day in Kindergarten, anytime that we were together, she said, she could feel that I was different somehow.  She’d just never figured out what it was.  She said that she could sense that I wasn't quite what I appeared to be, and she just knew that I needed more love than most other people did.   Then she gave me a hug.  She giggled when she asked what I was wearing under my shirt and pants.  I pulled up my shirt and showered her the purple vest I was wearing.  She asked if I was wearing matching panties.  Shyly I nodded.  Mary Beth has been calling me Matilda ever since.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you didn’t take your pants off in the park.”  Mom said jokingly.  “I'm very surprised by this whole story.  I’m also very disappointed that you two didn’t come to me and tell me about it when it happened.  You know we have to be very careful about who we let in on our secret.  Right now, I think there’s only four on the list of people who know about Matilda.  That's you Rachael and me of course, there’s Jill, and now Mary Beth.  Are there any others that I don’t know about?”

We both shook our heads.

“Well, what about this birthday party invitation?  Is it in Mary Beth’s hand writing?”  Mom asked.

“I hadn’t thought about that.”  I replied.  I got the invitation out of my drawer and looked at it again.  “Umm, no, Mom that isn’t Mary Beth’s hand writing.  I guess it is probably her mother's,” I said, looking and sounding a little scared.

“Ok, you two relax.  I’m going to give Jean Phelps a call and try to find out how much she knows without giving anything else away.  Then I’m going to give Jill a call and see what she says about all of this.  Why don’t you two get ready for bed and I’ll let you know what I find out?”  With that, Mom took the invitation and left.

“Do you think Mary Beth told her mom everything?”  Rachael asked.

“I don’t know.  We did tell her not to tell anybody else, didn’t we?”  I asked in return.

Neither one of us could remember what we’d told Mary Beth about keeping it to herself.

“Well I better go to my room and get ready for bed.  You need to change and go take your shower,” Rachael said as she got up and left.

I just sat there for a long, long, time thinking, wondering if anybody else knew about Matilda.  It didn’t bother me to be Matilda, because that's who I am.  I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to tell the rest of the people in my world about me.  I knew that Chuck would probably laugh his head off before he told all of his friends.  They would make my life miserable after they found out.  I couldn’t help it as I started to cry.  Lightly at first, but the more I thought about what would happen as other people found out, the worse it got.  Finally, I just fell over on my bed and hugged my pillow as I sobbed.   Rachael must have knocked on my door, but I didn’t hear it.  A little later, both she and Mom came back in.  I don’t know what I would have done if my mother weren’t so kind and understanding.  After all, she seemed to know me better than I knew myself.  She seemed to know when I was going to be sad and cry, almost before I did.  I was beginning to think that she was psychic, or maybe "The Good Witch from the North."  

Mom held me until I stopped crying. I was so drained that she helped me get ready for bed.  Well actually she got me ready for bed, I just sat on the edge of my bed in a daze as she took off my clothes and put a nightgown on me, then tucked me into bed.

The next day after Chuck and Karen had left to play with friends and Dad was at work, Mom filled us in on what she had found out.

“Well you two are really lucky.  According to Jean Phelps, Mary Beth’s mother, she was just writing out the invitations and putting the names on the cards just as Mary Beth gave her.  When she asked Mary Beth who Matilda was, she just said that she was a good friend that was new to the area.  She said that Mary Beth didn't know how to get in touch with her but that Rachael did.  So Jean said that was fine, and put both names on the one invitation,” Mom told us.

“Then I called Jill to see what she thought of the idea of Matilda going to a girl’s birthday party.  She thought for a while before giving me an answer, but she thinks it might be good for Matilda to go.  So far, you haven’t done anymore than wearing girl's underwear, pretending to be a girl at home.  Jill thinks that this will be a good experience to see if you’re willing to go all the way and be a girl in public.  It would only be for a few hours, but she thinks the experience will be good for you, assuming that the environment can be controlled.”

“What do you mean by the environment being controlled?” I asked as I was starting to get nervous again.

“Well, it means that we would have to know where the party will be, what activities are planned, who else will be there and can we control the situation if something goes wrong,” Mom explained.  “So after I talked with Jill, I called Jean back to get a little more information.  The party is planned to be in there home.  There will be eight girls besides the two of you.  They are planning a Ping-Pong tournament and some other indoor games.  There will of course be balloons, cake and ice cream.  It sounded like we would be able to keep things low key, so I told Jean that you’d both be going.”  Mom said with a smile.  "I also volunteered to help out, just to help keep things under control.  Jean said that would be great and she would appreciate the help.  So that means I'll be there to keep an eye on you, both of you."

“But Mom, I can’t go to a girls’ birthday party I don’t look like a girl.  What will happen when all the other girls see me in a dress, with you, Rachael and Mary Beth calling me Matilda?”  I was starting to shake and my eyes were starting to fill with tears again.  I really wanted to go but couldn't see any possible way.

“Now Matilda, you stop this right now,” Mom said sternly, as she put her arms around me.  “You knew that this day was going to come sooner or later.  You knew that for you to discover your inner feelings you’re going to have to dress completely as a girl and be seen in public.”

I just nodded.  I was afraid that if I opened my mouth I’d start crying.

“All right then.  We’ve two weeks to turn you into a girl.  Rachael will help you and I'll be here to teach you everything that you need to know on how to be a girl.  Everyday, for the next two weeks you’ll dress as a girl and we’ll get you a wig so you’ll have long hair like a girl.  Jill also told me about some other people that we can call on if we need help.  Well Matilda, the question is up to you now.  Do you honestly see yourself as a girl?  That is, in your mind and in your heart are you really a girl, or are you just a boy pretending to be a girl for fun?”  With that, Mom let go of me.  She stepped back and she pulled Rachael back as well.  They left me standing alone on my own to deal with my thoughts and feelings.  They just stood there not saying a word, just looking at me.

It was hours that we stood there, looking at each other, while I was searching my feelings.  Actually, it was probably only a few minutes, but it seemed like hours.

Finally, I looked into Rachael’s eyes and started a little smile.  Then I looked up into Mom’s eyes and my smile got bigger.

“I am Matilda!” I proclaimed.  “I know it in my heart and in my soul.  I don’t like how I feel when I have to pretend to be Matt.  I’m Matilda, that’s who I am and who I want to be!”

Both Mom and Rachael rushed over to me and hugged me.

“You’re sure about this?” Mom asked.  “This decision will be final, well as final as it can be.  After this, we’ll turn you into a girl.  I just want you to be sure that this is what you want.”

“Absolutely!” I said, as I hugged my mother and sister.

“Okay, you two go get dressed to go out.  We’ll stop and see Jill for some information.  Then we'll be getting everything we’ll need to turn you into a full-time girl,” Mom said as she let go of Rachael and I.  Then she was off to call Jill and tell her my decision and that we were on our way to see her.

Rachael was still hugging me, as Mom left.  “Oh, Matilda, it was so hard to stay with Mom, leaving you standing there alone.  It seemed like hours before you knew what you wanted.”

“Well actually, I’ve known for some time that I want to be Matilda.  I just didn’t know if I was ready to stop being Matt any more.”

“Well anyway, I’m really going to love having a big sister around.”

“What about Karen?  She’s really your big sister.”

“Well, she is my older sister, but she acts like a tomboy so much, it’s almost like having another big brother.  I mean she won’t wear anything that would make her look like a girl.  I’m not sure, but I think that in Heaven when they were assigning bodies, you and Karen got swapped.” Rachael said quietly, with an evil little grin and giggle.

“Oh Mom, are we still going to wait until Christmas to tell Dad about this?”  I asked as we pulled out of the driveway.  I was starting to get nervous again.

“Oh my, I almost forgot about your father.  I haven’t had the time to prepare him for this change.  Ok you will only be a daytime girl until I can talk to your father.  This will complicate things a bit, but we’ll manage somehow.”  She said.

When we got to Jill’s office, Mom left us in the car, as she was just getting some information.  Then we were off to see a friend of Jill’s, someone Mom said, that could help me. 

* * * To Be Continued * * *

 Any and all comments will be gratefully accepted, either left as a review or sent to me at

[email protected]

I would like to thank my dear friends,

Angel O’Hare, Karen Page, Joni W. and Holly Logan

for their kindness, help, support and input.

Raised In SLC

Chapter 3

By Penny Reed Cardon

Our first stop of the day was at a very nice house on South Temple.  Mom pulled up the driveway and around to the back of the house.  We all got out and Mom knocked on the door of what appeared to be a four-car garage.  A very attractive lady opened the door.

“Hello.”

“Hello, I’m Mrs. Covington,” Mom said politely.

“Oh yes, good morning Mrs. Covington.  Jill Morgan called and said you would be coming by.  I’m Amanda Reynolds, and this must be Rachael and Matilda,” said Mrs. Reynolds.  “Hum,” she said, as she looked closely at me.  “Yes I can see her in there.  Well, we will just have to see what we can do about coaxing Matilda to come out and play, won’t we.  Please come in.”

‘Now what does she mean by that.'

Mrs. Reynolds held the door open as we entered.  Inside I saw several chairs, like the ones in a barbershop, with mirrors behind them.  There were some other chairs with what looked like big steel eggs mounted to the back of them.  There were two more chairs in front of sinks with notches cut in them.  Along one wall were several rows of heads made out of foam.  Each head had a different wig on it.  Some were long, some short, and lots of different colors.  Behind us, there was a small waiting area with chairs, and a table with magazines on it.

After we were in and Mrs. Reynolds closed the door, she turned to Mom and asked, “Well now Mrs. Covington, what did you have in mind?”

“I beg your pardon?” Mom asked.

“I’m sorry, please let me start over.  As I said, Jill called me this morning and told me to expect you.  She told me that Matilda is just starting to transition and was in need of a complete makeover.  I was wondering if you had a particular look or style in mind for her,” Mrs. Reynolds said apologizing.

“I’m terribly sorry Mrs. Reynolds, I misunderstood your question.  Yes, Matilda is starting to transition and both girls have been invited to a birthday party Saturday after next.  Jill thinks it would be good for Matilda to go, completely dressed as a young lady.  I've volunteered to help with the party, so I'll be there if there is any problem.  Only one other girl knows about Matilda and we'd like to keep it that way.  Oh, and please, call me Edith,” Mom said.

“Very well, Edith it is, as long as you call me Amanda.  Now as for Rachael, I would recommend just a touch of makeup to highlight those lovely cheekbones and just a touch of rouge for color.  Do you think you would want a new hairstyle for her?  Also, have you selected the girl's dresses yet?”

“Actually no we haven’t even looked at dresses yet.  As for Rachael’s hair, I hadn’t even thought about it.  We've been concentrating so much on Matilda that I hadn’t thought about Rachael,” confessed Mom.

“Well, I was just wondering if you’d thought of them going as twins.  Making them up as twin sisters should be very easy.  They both have the same beautiful features, the same complexion, and the same smile.  Oh look, they even blush the same,” Mrs. Reynolds said, as we were both blushing from all the attention and the references to being twins.

“Well actually, Matilda is a year and a half older than Rachael,” Mom corrected with a giggle.  “I think we should make Matilda look a little older.  Sisters, yes, but not twins.”

“Very well, what about Matilda’s hair color?  Do you want to stay with the blonde or would you be open to other options?”  Mrs. Reynolds asked.

“Oh ... I don’t know!  I hadn’t considered the fact that there were other options.  I've just always seen her as a blonde,” Mom said.

“Of course we can match a wig to her blonde hair until it grows out enough to be styled on its own.  I was just wondering if you wanted to look at other options.  There are a lot of colors and styles to choose from,” said Mrs. Reynolds pointing to the wall of heads.

“Oh my, I don’t know.  Matilda, what do you think?”  Mom asked me.

“Well, I glad to see that one of you are finally asking me what I want,” I said, sounding a bit agitated.

“I’m sorry dear.  Here we are discussing your future and not even stopping to ask what you want,” Mom said, looking a little embarrassed.

“Forget it Mom, I am just a little overwhelmed by this whole thing and I'm probably being a little over sensitive as well.  As far as hair goes, every one knows that Matt has blond hair.  If I wear a blond wig, I'll just look like Matt with long hair.  I think a dark brown or black like dad and Karen might work better for me,” I said

“Very good Matilda,” said Mrs. Reynolds.  “Why don’t you climb up into the first chair and we will get started. Edith did you bring Matilda some other clothes?”

“No, we didn’t.  Why?”  Mom asked.

“Well, when we’re all done with her today, Matilda will look out of place wearing these boy’s T-shirt and jeans,” explained Mrs. Reynolds.

“Oh you're so right.  I hadn’t even thought about that,” Mom said.

“Well there are two options.  One, you can leave these two angels here.  I will get their makeup and hairstyles sorted out while you run down to the Crossroads and get something appropriate.  If you don’t feel comfortable with that, there is option two.  We could have one of my daughters go through their closets.  I'm sure they can find that they have outgrown, that would fit Matilda.  You could bring it back later,” said Mrs. Reynolds

“Not to seem impolite or ungrateful, but I think I would prefer the second option.”  Mom said.

“No problem at all.  If I were in your place I'd be a bit hesitant to leave my children with someone that I'd met only ten minutes before.”  With that, Mrs. Reynolds went to the phone and made a call.  “Hello, could I speak to Susan please.  Hello Susan, I have a bit of a problem that I think you could help with.  Would you come over to the shop please?  Yes, that would be fine dear.  See you then, goodbye, Sweetheart.”  Mrs. Reynolds hung up the phone and came back to where I was sitting.  “That’s my daughter Susan over in the main house.  She will be over in about half an hour.  I want her to see Matilda so she will be able to judge her size.

You’re a lucky young lady,” Mrs. Reynolds said to me as she turned the chair so I was facing the mirrors.  “Some of my clients didn’t figure out who they are or need to be until much later in life.  You will still be able to experience most of your childhood as a young lady.  Let's start with your hair shall we?  Then we can do your makeup to compliment your complexion and your new hair color and style.”

With that, Mrs. Reynolds went over to the wall with all the heads and selected two heads.  She put them on the counter in front of me and then she got two more.

“Let’s start with a hair style and then you can decide on the hair color you want,” Mrs. Reynolds explained as she began the process of transforming me into a girl.  She tried several wigs on me with all of us discussing what we liked and didn’t like about each one.  We finally settled on a style that had full thick bangs, with just a little bit of curl, they were long enough that they almost covered my eyebrows.  The sides and back were much longer; they came about halfway down my back and had a lot more curl at the bottom than the bangs did.  The color we finally decided on was a light brown.  One, it seemed to match my complexion better than something darker.  Two, when my hair grows long enough to be styled; changing back to my normal color wouldn’t be so noticeable.  With the hair style and color decided, it was time to start on my makeup.  For this Mrs. Reynolds asked Mom to come over and take a more active part, as she would have to teach me over the next two weeks how to apply my own makeup.

About that time, the door opened and a very lovely oriental girl, about fourteen or fifteen years old, came in.

“Hello, Susan,” said Mrs. Reynolds, looking up.  “I would like you to meet the Covington’s.  This is Edith,” she said waving a hand towards Mom.  “And over there is Rachael,” she said pointing to Rachael, who was seated in the waiting area reading a magazine, Rachael waved.  “And this, is Matilda!” she said as she turned the chair so I was facing Susan instead of the mirrors.

“Hello everyone, I’m very pleased to meet you,” Susan said with a smile.

“Susan, what we need is some other clothes for Matilda,” Mrs. Reynolds said.  “After all, a lovely young lady can’t be seen around town in a boy’s T-shirt and jeans, now can she?"

“Of course not, Mother.  Could she stand up so I can get a better look at her, then I can guess at her size?”  Susan asked.

Mom and Mrs. Reynolds helped me out of the chair and I took a couple of steps toward Susan, while she walked around and looked me over carefully.

“Dress or slacks?” Susan asked me.

“Oh, dress please, if possible,” I replied

“Tights, knee highs’, or anklets?” Susan asked.

“We'll, anklets, with lace if possible.  But I guess that would depend on the shoes,” I replied.

Susan looked at me with a look of disbelief!  “Aren’t you a little old for lacy anklets?” She asked.

“Well maybe I am, but I still like them.  In fact I like almost anything that has ruffles or lace,” I replied.

“Mom, is Matilda another one of you special clients?” Susan asked her mother.

“Yes, she is, Dear!” replied Mrs. Reynolds.

“Well that explains it,” Susan said.  “What about shoes?” Susan asked; a general question for anyone to answer.

“Well what ever you can find, Dear I’m sure will be fine,” said Mrs. Reynolds.

Susan came up to me and whispered in my ear, “What about underwear?”

“I’m okay there,” I whispered back.

“With lace, I presume,” Susan whispered.  I nodded.  “It figures,” she said shaking her head.

“Well I’ll see what I can find, Mom.  Be back in a few minutes.”

“Thanks Susan, you’re a sweetheart.”  Mrs. Reynolds told her daughter as she was leaving.

“Amanda, could you answer a couple of questions for me?” Mom asked.

“Certainly Edith, if I can.”

“Susan isn’t you biological daughter is she?”

“No, Susan was adopted by my husband and me when she was two, as were our other two daughters.  You see, you don't have to be born female to have children,” said Mrs. Reynolds.

We were all shocked by what Mrs. Reynolds had just said.

“You mean that you’re . . .” Mom started to ask.

“Yes Edith.  I’m transgendered.  I was born male, and like Matilda here, I realized that my spirit is female.  I transitioned when I was fifteen.  My father almost had a heart attack the first time he saw me in a dress.  You see, in the mid 60’s, being TG was worse than being a black man on an all white bus in Georgia.  'Boys wear boy’s clothes and girls wear girl’s and neither should dress like the other,' my dad would tell me.  I was lucky that he didn’t send me to some military school in Vermont.  They did send me away though, to live with an old maid aunt in Delta, so I wouldn’t “Embarrass the family.”  Even living with my aunt life was no picnic. I couldn’t go to school, well not any longer than half a day.  You see, I wasn’t permitted to use the girls’ restroom and I wouldn’t use the boys.  I tried that once, I was lucky to escape with my life, but my clothes were shredded.  You see, I had no rights under the law, at all.  The boys who attacked me were never confronted, reprimanded, or held accountable in any way.  I was considered a 'Non-Person'.  The only one who cared about me at all was my aunt.  She helped me finish High School, at home.  She even arranged for me to get into the finest beauty school in the state.  Now I help others with what I've learned.  No one should have to go through what I went through.”  Mrs. Reynolds was almost in tears as the memories of her past flooded into her conscious mind.  She stopped there and wiped her eyes.

Turning to me she said, “Your life is going to be so much easier than mine was.  You have a loving mother and sister that are here to help you through what lies ahead.  I’m almost jealous of you.  There are so many of us around, we will help you any way we can.”  There were tears in Mrs. Reynolds eyes as she gave me a hug, but these were definitely tears of joy.

“Well, Edith, did you have any other questions?”  Mrs. Reynolds asked Mom as she stood back up.

“Well, Susan referred to Matilda as one of your special clients?”  Mom asked.

“Yes I have many TG clients.  Jill refers one or two TG people to me, each year, as do several other therapists.  Probably half of my regular customers are TG,” replied Mrs. Reynolds.

Sometime later, Mom told me how shocked she was to realize how many transgendered people there must be in this area.

“Well now, let’s get your make up sorted out, shall we?” said Mrs. Reynolds as she helped me back up into the chair.  Mom came over and they tried a few different things.  Then they'd clean that off and starting over again.  They did this many times.  The application that they were happy with was actually very little makeup.  Some blue eye shadow to accent my blue eyes, some mascara to bring out and darken my eyelashes, some pink lipstick (they tried lots of other colors but only a few light shades work with the rest of my face), and medium rouge.

“Mom, now I’m jealous.  I want to wear makeup too,” complained Rachael.

“When you’re ten, we’ll talk about you using makeup young lady,” Mom said.

“But Matilda isn’t ten.”  Rachael said.

“All right, when you’re nine and three quarters we’ll talk about you wearing makeup.”  Mom consented with a smile.

Rachael was still put out by this.  After all she and Matilda were about the same size.  “But you keep telling us how much like twins we are.  If Matilda gets to wear makeup then why can’t I?” was Rachael’s’ final argument.

Mom went over and knelt down next to the chair where Rachael was.  “You’re right, Sweetheart.  You two are almost twins.  I’ll tell you what.  You help Matilda learn to be the best girl she can be and for Mary Beth’s birthday party you can both wear makeup.”  Mom knew that Rachael would help me all she could anyway, but that would make her feel so much more a part of what was going on.  Rachael smiled from ear to ear and gave Mom a huge hug.

“You bet, Mom.  We want Matilda to be the very best girl at the party,” Rachael said as she was hugging Mom.

Just then, Susan came back in with several dresses hung over one arm and a bag in the other hand.

“I hope that something here works for you Matilda.”  She said as she crossed to where I was sitting.  Susan wasn’t really paying attention, because of the armload of clothes she was carrying.  “WOW!  Matilda you look great!” she said when she stopped and looked at me.  “I can see that two of these dresses are definitely out.  They are too dark and plain.”  She started sorting through the dresses she had brought over.  “Hum, why don’t you try this one on?”  She held up a long blue satin dress with a lace overlay across the bodice, puffy sleeves and a shear over skirt.  It had a sewn in petticoat so it was puffy just hanging by itself.  I could just imagine how it would look on me.

“OH THAT’S BEAUTIFUL!”  I almost shouted as I hopped out of the chair.  “Where can I go to try it on?” I asked excitedly.

“What’s wrong with right here?”  Mom asked, “There’s nobody here but us girls.”

I’m sure I turned three different shades of red, as Mom was giggling.

“B – B – But Mom.   You know that I’ve never changed clothes with anyone else around before,” I whispered softly.

“That’s all right, Matilda,” said Mrs. Reynolds.  “You can use the restroom to change your clothes.  Honestly Edith, stop teasing the girl like that.”

Both Mom and Mrs. Reynolds were giggling now.

“Here let’s take your wig off so you can take off that T-shirt first.  Then you can go change into the dress.  It has buttons all the way down the back so one of us will have to help you with them when you come out,” said Mrs. Reynolds, as she took out the bobby pins holding the wig to my hair and lifted it off.

I quickly took off the T-shirt, suddenly revealing the pink lace vest I was wearing.

Rachael whistled at me teasingly.

“Oh, hush up, Sis, you’re just jealous.” I told her as I picked up the dress and went into change.  I hung the dress on the hook that was on the back of the door.  Quickly I kicked off my sneakers and dropped my jeans.  I took down the dress and stepped into it, gently pulling the waist up around my waist.  I carefully put my arms through the sleeves, one at a time, pulling each shoulder up into place.  Suddenly I was in heaven.  It felt so soft, elegant actually.  I had never worn anything that seemed so . . . perfect.  I was right about how the skirts would flare out with the sewn in petticoat.  I simply loved this dress.  I was gently caressing the dress, drifting off into another world, when there was a knock at the door pulling me out of my dream world.

“Is everything okay in there?” Mom asked.

I opened the door slowly.  “Sorry Mom.  Yes, everything’s okay.  As a matter of fact, everything is just wonderful.”  I said as I stepped out.  Mom did the buttons up the back of the dress and Mrs. Reynolds brought my wig over and set it back on my head.  Mrs. Reynolds took one of my hands, and Mom took my other and they led me back out the main room.

The magazine that Rachael was reading fell to the floor.  Susan dropped the shoes and socks she was holding.  They both had their mouths open about a foot.

“She’s gorgeous!” Susan finally said.

“Mom, am I going to look that good in two years?” Rachael asked.

“Oh stop it you two,” I said.

Mom and Mrs. Reynolds were giggling as they turned me around so I could see myself in the full-length mirror behind me.

The next thing I remember is being held in my Mother’s arms as she was gently trying to get me to wake up.  Slowly I came around and opened my eyes to see a worried look on her face.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You fainted, Dear.”

“I what?”

“You fainted.”

“Mom, who was that girl standing between you and Mrs. Reynolds?”

“That was you Matilda.  Don’t you remember?  You came out of the restroom, I did up the buttons on the back of the dress and Amanda put your wig back on and we walked you out.  Then you saw your reflection in the mirror and you fainted.”  Mom said

“But, that can’t be . . .” I said slowly as everything started to come back into my mind.

I’m not sure, but I think I blacked out again.  I remember that my mother was still holding me, but everyone else suddenly changed places.

“Well, hello again,” Mom said.  I looked up at her and she was smiling down at me.  “If you don’t stop that, I am going to put a stop to this whole thing right now.  I can’t have you passing out every few minutes.”

I tried to get up, but Mom held me tightly.  “Oh no you don’t, young lady.  You’re not going anywhere until Jill has had a chance to talk with you,” she said, “You're especially not going anywhere that has mirrors.”

“Jill is coming here?” I asked.

“That’s right.   When you fainted, I picked you up and brought you in here.  After you blacked out the second time, I had Amanda call Jill.  She’ll be here in about fifteen minutes.  While we’re waiting I think we should get your feet dressed.”  Mom said, motioning for Rachael to bring over the anklets and shoes that Susan had brought over with the dress.  As I sat on Mom’s lap Rachael took off my tube socks and put on some white anklets with blue lace.  Then she slipped a pair of white Mary Jane’s onto my feet, which had about an inch and a half heel.

“Thank you Rachael,” I said sincerely, not sure, if I would have been able to do that myself as I was still shaken a little by recent events.

“Hey, no problem, Sis, glad to help out.  Just remember, you may be the pretty one, but I’ve got the brains,” Rachael said while giggling.

“That’s enough of that Rachael.  Now go and get changed,” Mom told her with a giggle.

“Changed for what?” I asked Mom.

“Amanda and I thought it would be fun to play a little trick on Jill.  Being that she has never seen Rachael and how much alike you two are.  We are having Rachael change into the jeans and T-shirt that you were wearing.  Then Amanda is going to put a blond wig on her and do her makeup identical to yours.  When Jill gets here you, two will be sitting side by side.  It will be interesting to see which one of you Jill calls Matilda,” Mom explained, as Rachael was getting ready.

About ten minutes later Rachael was ready and she and I were sitting in the waiting room reading 'Seventeen.'  'Now was that wishful thinking or are we trying to rush things a bit.'

About five minutes later the door opened and Jill came in.  She saw Mom and Mrs. Reynolds first.  “Hello Edith, Amanda, where’s Matilda?”  Jill asked.

“She’s in the waiting room with her sister Rachael.  We thought it best to keep her away from any mirrors until you've had a chance to talk with her,” Mom said.

“Wise move.  Has she been alone since she fainted?” asked Jill.

“Not for a second.  They’re in here,” Mom said, as she led Jill into the waiting room.  Amanda was following close behind.

Jill took two steps into the waiting room and stopped dead in her tracks.  Rachael and I looked up as they came in and smiled at everyone.  Jill just looked at us for a few seconds, then looked over at Mom, and finally back at us.  Jill studied us both for a few more seconds before moving.

Then she stood in front of Rachael.  “Matilda?” she questioned.

Slowly I raised my right hand.  “I’m ... over here,” I said softly.

Jill sat down quickly, on the only thing available, the table with the magazines.  I don’t think she could have made it to a chair.  She looked at me, then at Rachael, then at me again.  All the time she was shaking her head.

“I’ve been set up,” Jill finally said as she turned to look at Mom and Mrs. Reynolds.

They couldn’t keep themselves from laughing any longer, as they both broke into hysterical laughter.

“You were indeed,” Mom said between bouts of laughter.

“Well.  I don’t think we need to worry about anyone thinking that Matilda is a boy,” Jill said as she continued shaking her head.

“There was an emergency here wasn’t there?  You didn’t call me away from another patient just to confuse me, did you?”  Jill said, still suffering from shock and amazement at how I looked.

“Yes Jill there is.  Like I told you on the phone, when Matilda saw herself in the mirror she curled up her toes and blacked out.  If Edith and I had not been holding her hands she would have hit this tile floor pretty hard,” Mrs. Reynolds explained.

“Yes and after she blacked out the second time I didn’t want to take her anywhere.  I wanted her to talk with you before we left here,” Mom added.

“Excellent thinking, Edith.   Amanda, do you have an office or somewhere we could talk privately for a little while?” Jill asked.

“Of course, come this way.” Mrs. Reynolds started to lead us to her office, and then stopped suddenly.  “What do you want to do about the mirrors?” she asked Jill.

“Matilda,” Jill said as she turned and looked at me.  “Do you trust me?”

“Yeess,” I answered slowly.

“Please take my hand,” Jill said, and I did.  “Now Matilda, I want you to close your eyes and keep them closed until I tell you to open them.  I won’t let you get hurt in any way, okay dear?”

I looked into her eyes and I could see almost the same love for me that I have seen so many times in my Mother’s eyes.  I smiled at her, gave her both of my hands, and closed my eyes.

“That’s an answer!”  Jill said with a smile, as she led me to Mrs. Reynolds office.

We talked for almost an hour before coming out to see the others.  We were laughing and giggling as we came out.

“Is everything all right now?”  Mom asked.

“Yes Mom, everything is just fine,” I said as I went and looked at myself in the full-length mirror.  “It was just the first time I really saw myself as Matilda.  I guess Matt was trying to fight with me a little.  Well, all right Matt was fighting a lot.  That part of my personality was afraid that it was going to die.  Jill helped me to see that there aren’t two personalities fighting for control, but two sides of one personality.  There always have been two sides of me, one side of me that's Matt and one side of me that's Matilda.  There are always going to be two sides, but with some help from Jill we will both become stronger as a single individual."

“I think we need to have a party today!”  I said after looking at myself in the mirror, for more than just a few seconds.

“What’s the occasion?”  Rachael asked cheerfully.

I smiled as I turned around to face everyone, then I held both arms out wide.

“We need a party,” I said confidently, “Because it’s August 15th. That makes today Matilda’s Birthday!”

Mom and Rachael rushed into my open arms.  Jill and Mrs. Reynolds just stood back and applauded.

“Well Edith, with this morning’s excitement, are you going to be able to see Ellen Hansen today?”  Jill asked, after things settled down.

“Oh, no, not today, I think we are just going to get some lunch and do a little shopping and call it a day.  Chuck and Karen usually get home about 4:00 p.m. and David gets home about 5:30.  We need to be home with everything hidden away before 4:00,” Mom told Jill.

“Very well Edith.  I'll call Ellen and tell her to expect you about 9:30 tomorrow morning, is that time okay?”  Jill asked.  Mom just nodded.  Jill said goodbye to us all as she left.

“Well we had better be running along, too.  Amanda, this has truly been an eye opening experience as well as a genuine pleasure.”  Mom told Mrs. Reynolds.  “What do we owe you for your services today?”

“Edith, the first time is on me.  Like I said, there are a lot of us around who are willing to help.  You be sure to bring them both back a week from Friday and I’ll spruce up Matilda’s wig and I’ll do something nice with Rachael’s hair as well,” said Mrs. Reynolds with a smile.

“Amanda we couldn’t.  That wig alone . . .,” Mom was saying as Mrs. Reynolds interrupted.

“Edith, please.  This is how I help others.  Don’t deny me the privilege of helping this beautiful young girl find herself.  Nothing brings me greater joy than helping others, like ourselves, discover there true self,” said Mrs. Reynolds.  “Besides, the expenses for you are just beginning.  Matilda needs makeup and a completely new wardrobe.  By the way, here is a list telling you what colors we used today that looked good on Matilda.  Most cosmetic counters should have these shades by several different manufactures.”

“Oh Amanda, you’re an angel,” Mom said.

“No, but I know one.  If you are ever traveling around the Georgia area let me know and I will arrange for you to meet a true angel, Angel O’Hare.”  Mrs. Reynolds said, with a far away look that told you she was remembering a very dear friend.

With that, we said our good byes and left.  I couldn’t believe how different things looked; the whole world seemed brighter and more cheerful.  ‘I’m outside for the first time, I’m wearing an absolutely, beautiful dress; this is such a beautiful world. I’m going out to lunch with my mother and sister.  Then we’re going shopping together.’  At that moment there couldn’t have been a happier girl in this whole city.

As we were riding, Rachael was talking about . . . something.  I just wasn’t paying attention.  I was too busy, as I realized how lovely the trees were, and how sweetly the birds were singing, how fluffy the clouds were, how beautiful the whole world is.

That is until we pulled into the parking terrace at the Crossroads Plaza and got out of the car.  Suddenly I couldn’t move.  I was five feet away from the safety of our car and I couldn’t move.

“Matilda, what’s the matter dear?”  Mom asked as she came back to where I was standing.

“M – M – M – Mom, t – t – there are other p – p – people here!”  I stammered.

“Well of course there are other people here.  It’s the Crossroads mall.  We’ve been here hundreds of times.  You know this mall well,” Mom said as she took my hand, trying to coax me into moving.

“Y – Y – Yes, b – but not as M – M – Matilda!”  I stuttered.  “E – Every one will k - know.”

“So that’s it.  You’re afraid that someone will recognize you.”

I just nodded my head. 

“Are you telling me that it's okay to be Matilda at home, or at Mrs. Reynolds, but not out in public?” Mom asked.  All I could do was look up at her.

 Mom got down on one knee, took my face between her hands and looked into my eyes.

“Matilda, listen to me carefully.  Is it okay for Rachael to come here in a dress?” Mom asked me gently, well of course, I nodded.  “Well then, is it okay for Rachael to come here in pants?” again, I nodded.  “Well can I come here in a dress or pants?” once again I nodded.  “Well then it stands to reason that if Rachael and I can come to the mall in either a dress or pants, then you should be able to come here in either pants or a dress, right?”  At that I didn’t nod, I just looked scared.

“Listen to me, Matilda.  No one here is going to see you as anything but a young lady, a very beautiful young lady.  Remember, even Jill didn’t know who you were.  Really, no one here is going to see you as anything but the lovely young lady that you are.  That is, unless you give them reason to by acting out of place.  Most of the people here are so busy with their own lives that they won’t even notice the three of us.  Now you said this morning that you are Matilda and that’s who you want to be.  Then again at Mrs. Reynolds’s you reaffirmed that you are Matilda when you declared today as Matilda's Birthday.  Now Matilda is a girl and you are going to spend the next two weeks learning what it means to be a girl.   Now this is lesson number one.  All girls love to shop.  Now I want you to take my hand and we're going into the mall.  We are going to get some lunch and celebrate ‘Matilda’s Birthday.’  Then we are going to get you your make up and get you some new clothes.  Rachael and I will be with you all the time, so just relax, have fun, and try to think like a girl.”

Mom stood up, smiled at me and offered me her hand.  Gently I put my hand in hers and tried to smile back.

“Don’t worry, Sis.  Everything is going to be just fine, you’ll see,” Rachael said as she gave me a hug.  With that, she took my other hand and we started towards the main entrance.

We went into the mall and up to the food court on the second floor, where we got lunch at Panda Express.  I was starting to relax a little bit, as I was enjoying my food.  Mom knew that Panda Express was my favorite.  As we were finishing, I realized that there was a problem that would have to be address fairly soon.

“Mom, umm, can we go home now?”  I leaned over to Mom and whispered.

“But Matilda, we haven’t gotten your make up or clothes yet,” she replied.

“But I, umm, really need to go home now,” I said quietly.

“What’s the problem?” Mom asked.

“I need to go to the umm . . . I need to go to the bathroom,” I whispered.

“Well dear that happens to everyone from time to time.  You can’t go running home every time you need to go to the bathroom.  The public restrooms are just around the corner.  We’ll stop there before going to Dillard’s for your make up, then on to The Children’s Place to look at some dresses.  We will look at GapKids and Gymboree for some everyday clothes,” Mom said as she was planning the afternoon.

“But Mom I can’t use the men’s room dressed like this” I whispered.

“Matilda!  Shame on you, thinking such thoughts.  No daughter of mine would even consider using the men’s room,” Mom said with a smile.

“But Mom . . .” I started to say.

“But nothing Matilda!  The three of us will go into the lady’s restroom.  You will find an empty stall, go in, close and latch the door, lift your skirt, lower your panties, sit down and take care of whatever business needs to be taken care of.  After you are finished, and you have cleaned yourself appropriately, you will pull up your panties, smooth out your skirt, then unlatch the door and come out.  Rachael and I will be waiting for you.  Can I assume that you remember where all the parts are, that you don’t need an anatomy lesson?” Mom giggled at the last comment, but it had the desired result.  I started to relax a little.

Well, we did exactly what Mom said.  Fortunately, there were only two other ladies in the restroom.  Nobody even took a second look at me as we went in to the restroom, but I was so nervous I almost wet myself before I got into the stall.  After I was finished I went out, Mom made sure that my skirt was hanging straight and I washed up, them we left the restroom.  Mom stopped at the first bench we came to and we all sat down.

“Matilda,” Mom said as she put an arm around me.  “I know that was frightening for you but there was just no way around it.  As a girl, you will use the ladies restroom.”

“I know Mom.  It's just that everything is hitting me all at once.  I’m just not sure I am ready for all of this, but I guess that doesn’t matter, does it?  You keep on teaching and I'll do my best to learn,” I said, although I was just a little nervous.

Mom hugged me for a minute or two until I was feeling a little more relaxed.  “Are you ready to go on Dear?” she asked.

I forced a smile and nodded

We went into Dillard’s to the cosmetic counter where Mom got everything that was on Mrs. Reynolds list.  She got a couple of things for herself as well.  Rachael and I just stood back and chatted between our selves.  Then we went to GapKids and got me a couple of skirts and tops.  I got a light blue pleated skirt and a red plaid pleated skirt, which both went to just below my knee.  I wanted them shorter, but Mom said that as I grow they would get shorter.  We also got two blouses, one light blue and one white with a Peter Pan collar with a little bit of lace around the collar.  Nothing very fancy, but nice.  We went to The Children’s Place looking for a party dress for Rachael and myself but we didn’t see anything we liked.  Mom said we would look somewhere else another day.  One of the sales people said that the dress I was wearing looked like a “Flower Girls” dress and that we should try some bridal shops.  We thanked her for her help, but had to hurry home.  It was almost 3:15 before we left the mall and we had to drive ten minutes to get home.  We still had to get me changed, make up removed and everything put away before Chuck or Karen got home.  ‘Changing back and forth from Matt, to Matilda and back to Matt again each day is going to become very tiresome’ I realized.

Tomorrow is another day, what does it have in store for me.

What will this day be like,

I wonder?

What will my future be,

I wonder?

*** To be continued ***

I would like to thank my dear friends,

Angel O’Hare, Karen Page, Joni W. and Holly Logan

for their kindness, help, support and input. 

Raised In SLC

Chapter 4

By Penny Reed Cardon

It was my second day as Matilda; I was so excited from yesterday's adventure that I had a hard time getting to sleep the night before.  This morning however, I woke up cheerful, excited and surprisingly well rested.  As soon as Dad, Chuck and Karen left for their various destinations, I rushed back to my room took off my boy’s clothes and put on my plaid skirt and white blouse.  Then I went into Mom’s room for my wig and makeup.

“Umm . . . Matilda?”  Mom started.

“Yes Mom?”

“I think its time for lesson number two.  If you are wearing a white blouse, or a white skirt or pants, don’t wear colored underwear.” I looked at her with a puzzled expression.  “You’re obviously wearing purple underwear this morning, aren’t you dear?” Mom asked.  Rachael just giggled.

“Yes, Mom,” I said as I blushed.  I quickly returned to my room to change.

“That’s much better dear,” Mom said as I returned a few minutes later.

After Mom did my make up and we got my wig in place and brushed out, we were ready to go, or were we?

“Oh Mom, we didn’t get me any shoes yesterday,” I said as we were getting ready to leave.

“Oh, you’re right.  Well, there’s no time for that this morning.  Just put on a pair of white knee-socks and the Mary Jane’s from yesterday.  We'll stop and get you some shoes this afternoon.”

Soon we were on our way.  I don’t remember most of what we passed just different parts of the city.  I remember going past Hogle Zoo and on up the canyon.  After driving for what seemed like an hour, Mom pulled off the main road.  We drove a while farther before we pulled up in front of a large steel gate.  They were like the big gates in front of the 'Insane Asylums' in the old horror movies.  Mom pressed a button on a call box that was mounted just outside her window.

“YES!”

“Edith Covington, to see Ellen Hansen,” Mom replied.

“IS MATILDA WITH YOU?”

“Yes she is.”

“ANYONE ELSE?”

“Yes, my younger daughter, Rachael.”

There was a long pause before anything else was said.

“DOES RACHAEL HAVE FULL KNOWLEDGE?”

“I assume you mean about Matilda.  Yes,” Mom answered.

There was another long pause with nothing happening.  Rachael and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders.  Suddenly the gates began to slide open.  Mom pulled through the gates, which silently closed behind us.

“I guess we don’t get to leave until they want us to,” I said, feeling trapped.  Mom could sense that I was a little nervous.

“Don’t worry dear, Jill told me something about this place.  It’s a special school, very exclusive.  Ellen Hansen is the lead psychiatrist.  According to Jill she can be very helpful,” Mom said with a smile which did little to settle my nerves.

We drove for about another mile or so, and then went over a hill.  As we started down the other side and into a small valley we saw seven or eight three story buildings around a large grass field.  Off to one side there were several other buildings and what looked like a stable.  There was a pasture fenced off with quite a few horses grazing.  The road led us to a parking lot outside the largest building.  We parked there and got out.  As we were approaching the building the door opened and an attractive woman in her mid 40’s came out.

“Edith Covington?  I’m Ellen Hansen,” said the woman approaching us.

“I’m pleased to meet you Ellen,” Mom said as they shook hands.

Mrs. Hansen turned to Rachael.  “Welcome, Rachael.  It’s a pleasure to have you visiting us today,” she said, shaking Rachael’s hand.

“And you, of course, must be Matilda,” Mrs. Hansen said, as she extended her hand for me to shake.

“Yes ma’am,” I replied shaking her hand like I’d seen Mom do.

“Please call me Ellen, all of you.  I may have a fancy title and a large office but I’m really very informal,” Ellen asked.  “Jill called me this morning and briefed me about you two.  She even told me about the little trick you two played on her yesterday.  Now I’ve seen you two together, I can see how Jill got confused.  You two could easily be mistaken for twins,” Ellen chuckled.

"It was really Mom and Mrs. Reynolds's idea.  Rachael and I just went along with it."

“I just wish I could have been there, I'm sure the look on Jill's face must have been priceless.  Well now, shall we go into my office?  We’ll be much more comfortable while we visit."

A few minutes later we were seated comfortably in Ellen’s office, which was very large.  There was an executive looking desk and a high back leather chair, in front of the windows, on one side of the office.  On the other side of her office were three couches and an over stuffed chair arranged around a circular coffee table.  Ellen sat in the chair; Rachael and I sat on the couch to her right and Mom sat across from us.

“Well Matilda, according to Jill you think you should be a girl.  Is this correct?” Ellen asked.

“Umm, well yes . . . that’s pretty much correct, I guess,” I answered nervously.

“It’s all right Matilda, please try to relax, I’m on your side.  I just want to be sure I’ve got my facts straight,” Ellen said with a reassuring smile.  “I think you’re a very attractive young lady.  From what I’ve seen so far you appear to have been studying how girls act for some time.  Is that correct?”

“Well, umm . . . No, not really studying.  I mean, I've never really studied girls.  It’s just that, well . . . All my friends are girls.  Since Kindergarten I’ve just always been around girls, we all act pretty much the same.  I mean, I act the same as Mary Beth, Kimmie and the others girls,” I said trying to understand what Ellen meant.

“Really, that's very interesting.  Well now Matilda, tell me, how do you feel about boys?” Ellen asked

“Well, the boys at school are always showing off.  Each one is trying to be better than the other is.  Except for Black Bart and the other bullies, they don’t try to be better than the others are; they try to be worse.  Trying to see who can pull the meanest prank or the meanest trick.”

“Well that's usually true of boys; the good ones try to outdo each other in a good way.  While the bad ones try to outdo each other in a bad way.  But that isn’t what I meant.  What I want to know is how YOU feel about boys in general?” Ellen said clarifying her question.

“Well in general, boys are kind of icky.  I mean, I don’t like them very much.  I don't really want to be around then. I definitely don’t want to be like them.  Umm . . . of course there is this one boy, umm Paul; he’s a year or two older than I am.  He’s really kind of cute; he talks real nice and he’s fun to be with.  He tries to get the other boys to leave me alone and stop picking on me.  Um, I ah, I kind of like him,” I said, while staring out into space with a kind of dreamy smile.

Mom was looking at me real funny.

“What?” I asked her

“Oh nothing, really, I was just thinking that the bug has bitten my daughter.  What do you think Ellen?" Mom asked.

“Oh definitely Edith, she’s been bitten,” Ellen agreed.

“The bug?” I asked.  “What bug?”

Mom and Ellen looked at each other and smiled, and then they both looked at me.  “The Love Bug!” they said together.

“Yuck, no way, we’re JUST friends,” I said.

Both women were giggling, as was Rachael.

“At ten years old, I am sure it’s just puppy love, but you’ve definitely been bitten,” Mom said as she chuckled.  I just shook my head.

“Let’s move on, shall we?" Ellen asked, changing the subject.  "Matilda, Jill tells me that you have been seeing her once a week for most of the summer.  She didn’t tell me how long you’ve been dressing as a girl.  Could you tell me how you got started and about when that happened?”

“Well, I guess I started dressing in Rachael’s clothes the summer between Kindergarten and first grade.  You see, in Kindergarten I sat at a table with five other girls.  We all talked together, we all played together, we had our snacks together, we did our work together, we just enjoyed being with each other.  I was just, one of the girls.  We had a very special friendship.  They helped me get over the loss I felt, not being able to be with my Mother in the afternoon.  I really missed the special afternoons that Mom and I spent together.  They were so special, and when I couldn’t have my special time with Mom any more, well, I guess I was pretty sad.”

“You’ve been wearing my clothes that long?” Rachael asked quietly.

“Rachael, hush Dear don’t disturbed Matilda right now.  Look at her, she’s appears to be in some kind of trance,” Mom said.

I was talking slowly but freely.  My mind had opened itself and I wandered into the past.  Later, Mom told me that my eyes had glazed over and seldom blinked while I was talking.  They wondered where I had gone, what world I was in.  But they just sat and listened, as none of them had heard this before.

“During our special afternoons; Rachael would be taking her nap, Mom and I would spend the afternoon together.  She would read stories to me, or we would play memory or reading games together.  Mom taught me to read before I started school.  Sometimes I would help her with her sewing.  A couple of times Mom helped me make some bags for my toys, she did the cutting, and I did the sewing.  I was so happy then, everything and everyone was happy.  In my limited view of the world everything was just as it should be.  I just assumed that my world would always be that pleasant, so full of joy, love and kindness.

“Then I started school and my world was turned upside down.  I couldn’t be with Mom in the afternoon any more.  Because of that I was always sad when I got to school.  But each day my new friends were there, they helped me get over the sorrow I felt at being separated from Mom.  They treated me like I was somebody special.  Especially Mary Beth, she was so kind and loving; she loved me almost as much as my Mother did.  Each day when Mom would take me to school Mary Beth would be waiting for me.  She would take my hand and we would walk across the playground to class together.  She tried to protect me from the mean kids at school.  She hugged me when I was sad, which always made me feel better.  Mary Beth always wore nice dresses to school, just like Mom did during our special afternoons.  It took a long, long time, but with the help of my new friends I wasn’t sad when Mom would drop me off for school.  Now I looked forward to being with Mary Beth and my other friends each afternoon.”

“Besides Mary Beth there was Kimmie, and Sara, and Julie, and Molly.  The six of us were the best of friends; we were together almost all the time.  We were like the ‘Three Musketeers’ only doubled; I guess that made us the ‘Six Musketeers.’  We helped each other and we always looked out for each other.  It was almost like the other kids weren’t there.  It took a long time but my world had finally righted itself and I once again found the happiness that I'd known before.   Then suddenly; almost before I knew it school was out for the summer.  I was so excited; I was going to have my special afternoons with Mom again.  But it just wasn’t meant to be!  You see everything was different.  Rachael didn’t take naps any more; Karen was there and sometimes Chuck was there.  I just felt out of place all the time, I just wasn’t special any more.”

“It was about that time when I started to notice Rachael’s underwear in the hamper in the bathroom.  They were nicer than mine were, they had lace, and were bright colors, and little ribbons, and they just seemed so special, and I so needed to feel special again.  So, one day after I got out of the tub I tried on some of Rachael’s underwear.  They felt so nice, just wearing them made me feel special. I felt, like I was running through a mountain meadow in the springtime that was full of wild flowers.  As I was enjoying that special feeling, everything started spinning and I fell down.  Then I remember, being cold as if I'd been on the floor for a long time.  As I got up, I remembered that I was wearing Rachael’s underwear and I felt calm, peaceful yet happy.  I felt complete somehow, like I was supposed to wear such nice clothes.  It seemed so natural to be wearing frilly lace, almost as if I was meant to wear them from the beginning.  I put my underwear in the hamper and pulled on my pajamas over Rachael’s underwear.  That night I slept so peacefully, more peacefully than I had slept in a long, long time.  It was like; I was floating on a sea of pink clouds, drifting slowly across the sky.  That night was the first of many luxurious nights to come.”

“One day I found myself looking in Rachael’s underwear drawer.  I was mesmerized by what I saw, glorious colors, layers of lace, matching sets, stockings with lace and short frilly baby doll nighties with ruffles and lace;  and even the matching panties were there.  Everything was just sooo . . . beautiful.  After I found that treasure chest of girls delight's I would sneak in whenever I could and get something different to wear, so fresh, clean, and they smelled so wonderful and they were so nice that I always had that feeling of being special.  Then one day I was the only one home, and I would be alone for about four hours.  I don’t know why or how it happened, but I found myself in Rachael’s room wearing some of her magnificent underwear and looking through her closet for a dress to wear.  I found a beautiful lavender dress with ruffles around the hem, and I put it on.  I danced around the room for a long, long time before settling on Rachael’s bed. Then I started reading stories to her stuffed animals.  Oh, it felt like a dream come true, my heart was singing and my soul was in heaven.  Once again I was floating along with that sea of pink clouds, only this time, I was awake.  At that moment in time I was happier than I’ve ever been.  ‘This is how I’m supposed to feel’ I thought to myself.  I knew that this is the way my life is supposed to be, and the only way my life will be complete.  From then on I would sneak some of Rachael's amazing underwear to sleep in at night, and would wear her dresses whenever I was going to be alone for a while.”

“The next three and a half years were a mixture wonderful bliss and aggravating torture.  There were weeks when I couldn't sneak into Rachael's room at all.  It was torture to me knowing what delights were available but, that I was being denied, I felt betrayed somehow.  Then there were times when I was alone and could dress and be what my heart and soul longed for and desired.  Then one day Rachael was mad at Karen for moving her things around, but I knew it was me the night before.  I had borrowed a wonderful pair of pink panties with lace and a matching vest that had a lovely red bow.  Rachael was angry, and then Mom got involved.  I just didn't have a chance to return them while Rachael was taking her shower.  You see I woke up late that morning; it had been another glorious night.  With all the excitement, and waking up late, I didn’t even have a chance to change into my boy's underwear before going to school.  I had to wear Rachael's underwear to school and I was so scared, and so excited too.  I was afraid that someone would find out that I was wearing girls’ underwear.  But I was also excited that I was finally able to be myself through the entire day, not just at night.”

“I didn’t take any of Rachael’s things for about a month because she’d been so mad.  I was so sad and miserable that month, but didn’t want to risk being discovered.  I was afraid that if other people knew that I wanted to be a, girl, they would think I was strange, or weird, or some kind of sick freak or something.  Then that fateful day arrived; I was going to be alone for about four hours on a Saturday.  It was no big deal, I’d been alone before.  I was happily watching Saturday morning cartoons.  When I blinked; I was suddenly in Rachael’s room.  I don’t even remember going into her room or taking off my clothes.  But there I was, I was wearing the frilliest underwear set I had ever seen.  The feeling was like nothing I had ever felt before.  It was like every nerve ending of my entire body was being tickled at the same time.  I had found this gorgeous pair of pink panties and a matching vest, with more lace than I've ever seen.  I was looking for a dress to wear when I found Rachael’s new pink party dress.  It was so beautiful that I couldn’t help myself.  I slowly, carefully, put it on.  I was enjoying every wonderful second.  I was so happy that I could once again wear the clothes that my heart told me I should be wearing.  I felt like a fairytale princess in that wonderful dress.  Every thing was perfect, I was happy, I was dancing and my soul, my soul was flying.  I was merrily talking with my friends, the stuffed bears.  I was going to read them stories about a magic land where everyone always lived happily ever after.  Everything was just so fantastic; I was able to be myself, dressed the way I wanted, the way I needed, the way that just felt so right for me.  I was happily dancing and spinning around and around – until suddenly I saw my Mother standing in the bedroom door looking at me.  I was frozen in place, gripped by fear . . . I'd been discovered, I was . . . terrified.” 

As I remembered the fear of that day, it brought me out of the trance or dream I was in.  I blinked three or four times to refocus.  When I could see clearly I looked across at Mom.  I saw the look of wonder and amazement on her face; I hung my head and timidly spoke.

“Umm . . . what did I just say?”

“Well dear . . . that would take about an half an hour to explain, you have been talking for about that long,” Mom said softly.

There was a long uncomfortable silence.

“Well,” Ellen finally said.  “Matilda is definitely all girl inside.  I've heard many transgendered people tell their story.  Never before, have I heard such, passion, such vivid descriptions of feelings.  Words don't describe how I feel at this moment,” (there was another long pause).   “Matilda, if you were to leave right now, and we were to never see each other again, I would consider myself blessed for having met with you today.  You are truly an incredible young lady.”

Every body just sat and looked at me for what seemed like an hour; actually it was only a few minutes.  I was so embarrassed.  I didn’t even know what I said that made everyone think I was so special.  Rachael, being that she was next to me, just hugged me the whole time.

Finally Ellen spoke. “Well Matilda, let’s see what we can do about making you a girl on the outside.  How long have you been dressing as a girl full time?” she asked.

“Well actually, Matilda doesn’t dress full time," Mom answered.  "In fact, yesterday and today are the only times that she has been outside dressed as Matilda.  You see, she has an older brother and sister that don’t know.  Also her father doesn’t know, I think he is going to have a very hard time understanding.  David was a Sergeant in the Marine Corp.  I'm not sure how he's going to react to the idea that his son needs to be a girl.”

“Matilda has really only been out for two partial days?” Ellen asked.  “Now I'm really impressed.  Her mannerisms, her walk, her voice are almost perfect for a girl her age.  I would have thought that she had been dressing full time for three to six months.”

“Yes indeed.  Today is only Matilda’s second day out.  We refer to yesterday as ‘Matilda’s Birthday’,” Mom said with a smile.

Rachael and I both giggled as we remembered the events of the day before.

“Well again I’m speechless,” Ellen said.  After a short pause she continued.  “Well then, why have you come to ‘Immigration Manor’ today?”

“To where?” I asked.

“To ‘Immigration Manor’ dear, that’s the name of this school.  You may want to consider attending school here someday Matilda.  There are several advantages you will have here over going to public schools,” said Ellen.  “But back to my question.  What brings you here?”

“Well actually, Jill told us you might be able to help Matilda in learning to pass as a girl,” Mom explained to Ellen.  “You see, both girls have been invited to Mary Beth’s birthday party.  Mary Beth is the only one who knows about Matilda, outside of you, Jill Morgan and Amanda Reynolds.  The party is a week from this Saturday, which gives us about ten days to transform Matilda into a living, breathing, thinking girl.”

“Ten days?  That's not a lot of time,” said Ellen.  “Speaking of time, it’s about time for lunch.  Why don’t you three join us for lunch?  I need to talk with my staff, and then we’ll get back together and talk some more after lunch.”  Then she rose and started for the door.  It didn’t seem like she was asking a question as much as giving an order.  We all got up and followed her.

Ellen led us out the door, down a long corridor and through another door.  Abruptly we found ourselves outside for a short walk to the next building.  Two more doors and we entered a large cafeteria with about 100 students; some of them were boys but mostly girls.  Some sitting and eating, some in line to get their lunch and others were just talking.  Ellen waved at two girls, who appeared to be about fifteen years old, inviting them to come over to where we were.

“Beca, Liz. There are two empty seats at your table, aren’t there?” Ellen asked.

“Yes Ellen,” Beca answered.

“Excellent, just what I thought.  This is Rachael and Matilda,” said Ellen as she introduced us.  “Would you two do me a favor and help these two young ladies get some lunch, and seat them at your table please?  After lunch would you show them around a little?  Show them the pool and some of the other recreational facilities.  Take about an hour then bring them back to my office.”

“Sure thing Ellen,” Beca replied.

“It will be our pleasure,” added Liz.

“Rachael and Matilda, you two relax and just, be yourselves.  Enjoy your lunch and the tour. Beca and Liz are two of our top students, as well as excellent tour guides.  I need to talk with some members of my staff and with your Mother for a little while, and then we'll all get back together,” said Ellen.  Then she took Beca and Liz aside and spoke with them privately for just a moment.  Liz took Rachael’s arm and Beca took my arm as they lead us over to where they were serving lunch. 

It’s a good thing that Beca was leading me, because I was lost in thought again.  ‘What did Ellen mean when she said just be yourself?  I know that Rachael will be herself, because she isn’t anyone else.  But I am.  Am I supposed to be myself as Matt or am I supposed to be myself as Matilda?  This is starting to get really confusing.  And if I'm myself as Matilda, will the other girls find out.  What would they do if they found out that I’m a boy under these clothes?  Why did Ellen separate Mom from us?  I need Mom as a buffer between me and every one . . .”

“Hey Matilda, wake up girl,” Beca giggled, “Where have you been?  What do you want for lunch?” she asked as she put a tray into my hands.

“I’m sorry, Beca. I was lost in thought for a minute.  What were you saying?”  I asked.

“I asked you what you wanted for lunch, silly girl.  Your choices are spaghetti, beef stroganoff, or you can have a cold submarine sandwich,” Beca explained.  “You just select the main course and the kitchen staff will add the appropriate side dishes to make it a balanced meal.”

“Oh, I think I would like to try the beef stroganoff,” I said.  Looking around I didn’t see Rachael.  “Oh Beca, where's Rachael?”

“Well, while you were off in la, la land they got their lunch and Lizy took her back to our table.  Let’s get your lunch and get going.  What would you like to drink with your lunch; milk, chocolate milk, apple juice, orange juice, or water?” Beca was asking me, as she gave my request for beef stroganoff to a member of the kitchen staff.

“Oh, I think the apple juice,” I said.

We picked up my lunch consisting of a generous portion of beef stroganoff over egg noodles.  There were also some French cut green beans with onions, and a small bowl with green salad.  Then we got some apple juice, a fresh dinner roll and a piece of apple pie with whipped cream.  Then we went over to the table where Rachael, Liz and four other girls were sitting.

“Hi everybody, this is Matilda, she's Rachael’s sister.  I guess Lizy already went through the introductions when they got here,” Beca asked as she greeted her friends.

“Yes, she did,” everyone chorused together.

“Matilda you'll sit here next to me,” said Beca.  After we were seated Beca continued with the introductions for my benefit.  “Matilda, on your left is Frank, that short for Francine.  To her left is Kathleen, of course we call her Kate.  Next to her is Angelina, we call her Angel for short.  I think you might just know Rachael, (Beca giggled) and you’ve met Elizabeth.  Ellen’s the only on that calls her Liz, everyone else calls her Lizy.  I’m Rebecca but almost everyone calls me Beca, and then here on my right is Kimberley.”

“Oh I know a girl named Kimberley.  She’s a very good friend of mine.  We call her Kimmie,” I said.

“Don’t get any ideas, girls.  I like my name just the way it is, and I don’t need a nickname,” said Kimberley sharply.

“I'm sorry, I didn’t mean anything,” I apologized.

“Oh that’s okay.  These girls have been trying to give me a nickname for years.  You just stumbled into their favorite way of teasing me,” said Kimberley with a smile, so I knew she wasn’t mad at me.

"So how old are you two?" asked Angel.

"I'll be ten in November," I said.

"And I'm eight and a half," replied Rachael.

"But you two look like twins?" Kimberley said.

"And nobody lets me forget it either!" I moaned.

"Now I think I owe you an apology," said Kimberley.

"No you don't, Kimberley, I may not be happy about looking like Rachael's twin, but there are some advantages, and I'm starting to get used to it.  Besides we do think a lot alike," I confessed, smiling at Rachael.

"I don't see anyone else that's our age," I said looking around.  "What grades attend school here?"

"Well it's not so much by grades, it's more by age and by what each student needs to learn so they are prepared for life out in the real world," Lizy said.  "As a general rule we have students from ten years old to eighteen."

"Yes, but back to your question Matilda, the younger students finished their lunch about forty-five minutes ago," answered Beca.

“So what are you two doing here at the ‘Manor’?” Frank asked.

“Oh we’re just visiting with Ellen,” I said.

“So which one of you is it?” asked Angel.

“Hold it girls!” Beca interrupted before any one could say anything else.  “These two are just visiting.  Ellen asked that we just observe and try to figure it out on our own.  So don’t either one of you two tell us!” Beca was looking back and fourth between Rachael and me, as she finished.

“Figure what out?” Rachael asked.

“Why, figure out which one of you is transgendered, of course,” said Kate.

“What?” I asked, almost in shock.

“You’re kidding, right?” asked Rachael while looking at me, grinning.

“What’s transgendered?” I said, looking back at Rachael.

We both figured that we had been set up this time.  We knew each other so well that we could almost read each other’s thoughts.  It was then that Rachael and I decided to switch places, so to speak.  We winked at each other confirming our thoughts.

“Transgender is a way of referring to someone who’s brain doesn’t match their body,” Beca explained.

“Well that has to be the reason you’re here.  You mean you don’t know about this school?” ask Kimberley.

“No,” Rachael answered.

“Well this is a very special school where someone who is transgendered can come and get a real good education,” Frank started.

“Without the fear of getting beat-up every day,” added Kate.

“Or worrying about ‘Being an Embarrassment to the Family’,” explained Angel.

“Are there that many around here?” I asked.

“Oh, not everyone's from around here, really only a few,” Beca said.  “Most of us are from out of state.  This school accepts students from all over the United States.  Until a couple years ago, the school was somewhere in Ohio, but it was old and a bit crowded.  The facilities here are much better.”

”Facilities?” asked Rachael

”You'll see when we do the tour," laughed Lizy, not wanting to give anything away.  "But enough about us.  We want to hear more about you two.  First, how's your lunch and second, where do you come from?"”

“Well this lunch is great,” said Rachael, obviously enjoying her spaghetti, while making more of a mess than normal.

“Yes, really very good,” I said.  “Our Mother doesn’t work, so she makes our lunches.  If were lucky there are some leftovers from dinner the night before.  That’s if Dad or Chuck hasn’t eaten them first.  Usually we get sandwiches, chips, and some fruit.”

“We go to 'Whittier Elementary School' that's by Liberty Park,” Rachael said answering the second question.  “We live close enough that we walk to school, and we can also walk to the park.”

“Liberty Park?  I’ve never heard of that one.  Is it nice?” asked Lizy.

“Oh yes; it’s a real neat park.  There’s a small zoo, and a really neat playground,” Rachael started.

“Yes and it’s a big park, one city block wide and two blocks long.  There’s also a small lake with an island in the middle where the city shoots off fireworks on the Fourth and Twenty-Fourth of July,” I added.

“I know why you celebrate the Fourth of July with fireworks that’s Independence Day.  But what is the Twenty-Fourth of July?” questioned Kate.

“I take it you’re not from Utah?” Rachael asked in return.

“No!  I’m from Montana,” Kate replied.

“Well in Utah we celebrate the Twenty-Fourth of July, because it was on that day in 1847 that the Mormon Pioneers first entered into the Great Salt Lake Valley.  It’s usually a bigger celebration than the Fourth of July,” I told everyone.

“Wait a minute, there’s something wrong here,” I said.

“What do you mean?” asked Angel.

“Well, we’re able to talk to each other, and we can actually hear what every one is saying.  I mean the boys here aren’t noisy and rowdy like the boys at my school,” I said amazed at the behavior of the boys at a nearby table.

“Well some of the boys here used to be girls,” answered Frank.

“What?” Rachel asked surprised.

“Yes, just like some boys feel that they should be a girl, some girls feel that they should be boys,” explained Kate.

“There’s something that you need to learn about the students here,” Beca explained.  “Everyone here is very open with each other and very accepting of each other’s differences. We’re more like a family than students at a school, we help each other and we look out for each other.  Oh sometimes we get upset with each other, just like any family, but generally things go quite smoothly.”

We continued to talk as we ate, taking a little longer than planned.

"Well if everyone has finished their lunch, we have some sightseeing to do,” Beca said, addressing Rachael, Lizy, and I.  “We’ll catch up with the rest of you girls later.”

After we returned our dishes and trays to the kitchen, we were off.

"Our first stop will be the pool," Beca said.  "It's just down the east stairwell."

"The pool is indoors?" I asked.

"Yes, there’s a bowling alley and swimming pools just under the cafeteria," Lizy said.

"Wow, that's really cool," Rachael said trying to act more like the boys from school.

"Yes, we’re taught basic swimming and lifesaving skills.  For those who really like the water they can also sign up for water ballet and water polo," Beca was explaining as we went.  "Let's go in through the office area, it'll be faster and we can avoid the locker room."

"Hello, girls," said the young woman from behind the counter, as she greeted us.

"Hello Ms. Anderson," Beca replied.  "Ellen asked Lizy and I to give our two guests a brief tour.  This is Rachael and Matilda."

"I'm pleased to meet you girls," said Ms. Anderson.  "If you have any questions about our facilities please feel free to ask."

"Thank you." Rachael and I chorused together.  ‘If we keep this up everyone is going to think we really are twins.’

Lizy and Beca led us through the office and into the pool area.

"These are our two main pools," Beca was explaining.  "They’re both Olympic size pools, this one is where they teach basic swimming, water ballet, and water polo.   The square pool at the far end is a fifteen-foot deep diving pool.  That's where they teach lifesaving, and platform diving.  We had two of our school’s alumni in the platform diving competition in the last summer Olympics."

"We also have two hot tubs and a sauna next to the locker room.  They’re great if you've had a rough day and just need to relax," Lizy added.

"T – There’s just one locker room?" Rachael asked, trying to sound nervous, as she knew I would be.

"Yes, just one locker room.  In the middle are several rows of small lockers to put your clothes in while you’re swimming.  Around the outside are twenty private changing rooms, each one has its own shower," Beca answered.

"Well what would you like to see next?" Lizy asked, as they lead us back through the office area and to the stairs that we had come down.

"What else is there?" Rachael wanted to know.

"Well there's the bowing alley next door.  Then there's the theater.  We’ve a drama department that puts on a different Shakespearean play each year, along with several other plays throughout the year.  We also get to see some of the latest movies, as well as some real fun old classic movies," stated Lizy.  “There was this one they showed last month, one of the funniest old movies I have ever seen.  It was about this pink submarine.  What was the name of it, Beca?”

“I think it was called, 'Operation Petticoat' although I don’t remember who was in it.  But it really was funny,” Beca answered.  "The Theater is also where the school choir performs."

"The school has a choir?" I asked.

"Oh yes, we've a world renowned choir and a small orchestra to accompany them.  We've performed before presidents and royalty around the world.   Our last trip took us to Japan.  We also got to do a little sight seeing in Hawaii, the Polynesian Cultural Center on Oahu was fabulous," Lizy said with pride.

"Beca, I take it that Lizy is in the choir?" I asked.

Everyone is in the choir, the whole school sings.  Lizy is part of the orchestra, she plays the French horn, she's really very good," Beca said.  "Sometimes just to tease her we call her Tin-Lizy, but only in fun." she added with a smile.

"There's also a gymnasium of course.  Whatever you can do in a gym we do; basketball, volleyball, gymnastics, aerobics, ballet, the works.  We also have an indoor cycling track, where some of the students also like to workout on roller blades.  There's also the indoor archery range and then there's the stable and equestrian arenas," Beca said, finishing the description of the schools facilities.

"Wow, this sounds like a great place to go to school," I said.

"Well, like any school, it has its good points and it's bad.  We go to school year round.  Only the few students that are from around here get to leave the school grounds, and that's very seldom,” Lizy said.  "With the exception of the field trips of course, then the whole school goes.  Of course, winter up here is interesting though.  We usually get between eight to ten feet of snow. "

"Field trips?" asked Rachael.

"Ten feet of snow?" I asked.

"That's what they call them.  That's when the school's choir performs abroad.   There are usually two to three trips each year," Lizy said.

"And for this school to pack up and go on tour is no small excursion.  With the choir and orchestra there are about one hundred and fifty students, plus staff and helpers makes for a group of about one hundred seventy five," Beca added.  

"As for the snow," said Lizy jumping back into the conversation.  "The maintenance staff keeps the walkways clear.   But that doesn't stop us from having lots of fun.  Some of us like to dig tunnels in the field between the buildings although not always in a straight line, they usually resemble a maze," she added with a giggle.

"Of course another one of the drawbacks are these school uniforms.  I mean, really, why does a school like this need uniforms.  After all who would really want to wear red plaid skirts anyway?" Beca said.  Then Lizy tapped Beca on her shoulder, nodding at me.

"Oops, sorry, I guess some girls do like red plaid," Beca apologized.

"That's okay," I said, "I like lots of things that most other girls don't.  Speaking of which, how's your library?"

"Well the library is actually kind of small, but if there's a specific book you want, they’re pretty good about getting it and adding it to the library.  However, the computer system is really top notch.  We have access to current and historical information from around the world, in any language of your choice.  Data, voice, and video feeds’ as well.  Also, there's a network just for gaming on the system.  With that, you can link the game you are playing to the same game being played by another student.  We've had as many and thirty people playing one game at the same time.  The competition can get really intense,” Beca was beaming as she was explaining the computer network capabilities.

"Don't mind her, she's what they referred to in the movie Jurassic Park as a computer nerd," Lizy giggled.

"I am not a computer nerd!" Beca counted.

"All right, geekette then," Lizy teased with a giggle.

"Well, I guess we know what Beca gets teased about," Rachael said, giggling as well.  "What time is it anyway?"

"Oh good grief, we’re well past our hour.  We spent most of the time talking.  Well at least we got to know each other better," Beca confessed.  "We better get you two back to Ellen's office."

With that, we headed up the stairs and back the way we’d came.  When we arrived at Ellen's office, Beca knocked.

"Enter," we heard a voice of authority from within the office, definitely Ellen's.

Beca opened the door and we all went in.

"Welcome girls," said Ellen.  "I was just about to call out the Sheriff’s Search and Rescue," she said with a smile and a giggle.  "Matilda, Rachael, why don't you two have a seat on one of the couches.  Liz, Beca, could I please have a word with you?" she asked as she got up and motioned them over to her desk.

A few minutes later Lizy and Beca said good-byes and left, as Ellen returned to her chair.

"Well girls, how was your lunch and tour?" asked Ellen.

"Lunch was great, we had a really fun time talking with the other girls," Rachael said.

"As for our tour, well we did make it down to see the pools, but we kind of spent the rest of the time talking," I added.

"Well I’m glad that you two had a good time.  I just thought I would let you know the consensus of the girl's you had lunch with.  Most of them think that Matilda is transgendered and Rachael is genetic.  However, the vote was four to two, which means that two of the girls believe that Matilda is genetic.  Very impressive for someone who doesn't even dress full-time!  You should be proud of yourself, Matilda.  You completely fooled two of our best detectives."

Rachael and I turned to each other, and gave each other a high five.  We were both pleased with ourselves.

"What's that all about?" Mom asked.

"Well, once we learned that this is a school for the transgendered kids, and the other girl's were supposed to guess which one of us was transgendered, we thought we'd have a little fun with them," I said with a mischievous grin.

"Yes, I tried to act like a scared little boy," Rachael admitted.

"And I tried to be more confident," I added.  "I guess I didn't do as well as I was trying, they still figured it out."

"Yes, but you did fool two of them.  That's not half bad, for a two day old," Mom said, both complimenting and teasing at the same time.

"Just for your information, four of the girls you had lunch with are transgendered," Ellen informed us.

“What?  You’re kidding right?  Four of those girls are just like me, which ones?” I asked in surprise.

“Well if you couldn’t tell, I'm certainly not going to tell you.  It just goes to show how well they have learned their lessons,” said Ellen with a smile.

“We have some classes that are very specialized; you won’t find them in any school curriculum anywhere else.  Well, not in this country anyway.  Girl 101 and 102 as they have been nicknamed, are each a six week class to teach someone like you how to dress, walk, act, and think like a girl.  There's also Boy 101 and 102 for those who want to appear more masculine,” Ellen told us.  “The problem here is you need to graduate from both Girl 101 and 102 in less than ten days.  On the other hand most of what we teach in Girl 101 you already know, simply because you have been around girls and have been acting like a girl most of your life.  There are only a few things that gave you away during lunch.  One – you eat like a boy.  The table manners of girl’s are subtly different from those of boy’s.  Two – your speech patterns and conversation skills are just a little off.  That is you don’t think like a girl, this is really the trick and usually takes a long time to change.”

“Are you telling me that it’s hopeless?” I asked timidly, my heart sinking.  I’d failed to be a good enough girl.

“Of course it’s not hopeless.  Nothing is hopeless,” Ellen said with a smile.  “Edith, I was wondering if Matilda could stay with us from now until a week from Friday.”

“Oh, that just isn’t possible.  There is no way I would be able to hide something like that from David,” Mom told her.  “Being that he’s an ex-marine, he's sometimes a little overly suspicious.”

“Well then could you bring her here each day from, say, 9:30am to 2:30pm?”  Ellen asked.  “We can compress as much information into those five hours as possible.”

“That should be no problem, as long as the weather is good so Karen and Charles go off to be with their friends.  I do have a question that I have to ask.  What will this cost?  I don’t know how much I will be able to keep from David,” Mom answered, and asked.

“Don’t worry about the money Edith.  We do have a budget to follow, but there is also some flexibility.  Helping Matilda for a few days won’t bankrupt the school,” Ellen explained.  “Now that’s settled, we'll expect to see you and Matilda at 9:30 tomorrow morning.  I'll make the arrangements for Matilda’s room and her school uniform’s this afternoon, I'll also setup an office for you, Edith.  While Matilda is working at becoming a girl, we'll start getting you back up to speed with your studies.  We may even schedule you a client or two.  Oh Matilda, I have some homework for you.  I want you to stop at your favorite store and pick up several magazines dealing with fashion for girls.  Read them from cover to cover.  When you have finished with them get some more.  The best way to start thinking like a girl is to read as much material as you can that is intended for girls.”  As Ellen was talking, she was busy making several entries in a small hand held computer. 

‘Where had that come from?’ I wondered.

“What do you mean 'my room and school uniform’s',” I had to ask.

“We’ll set up a room where you can change from what ever you are wearing when you arrive into our standard school uniforms.  We are trying to teach you to think like a girl.  It will help for you to dress the same as the rest of the girls,” Ellen explained.

“Well that answers every question except one.  What are we going to do with Rachael while Matilda and I are here each day?” Mom asked.

“Well I’m sorry Edith, but we don’t take children younger than ten years of age.  Helping Matilda for a few days doesn't violate the school rules because she isn’t a full-time student.  As for Rachael, it's not possible for her to be here each day.  Security would have a fit.  The only exception would be if there were some very unusually circumstances.  I’m afraid you are going to have to make some other arrangements for Rachael,” Ellen apologized.

“Well,” Mom said as she looked at Rachael.  “I guess we can arrange for you to spend those days with one of your friends.”

“Mom, do you think I could stay with Mary Beth or Kimmie?  My friends act so immature,” Rachael said.

“Well, I'll call Jean Phelps when we get home,” Mom chuckled while shaking her head.

“Well now, does that cover all your questions Edith?” Ellen asked.

“Yes, I guess that covers everything.  I guess we should get going, we’ve some shopping to do this afternoon, don’t we girls?” Mom said.

Rachael and I both nodded.  ‘Gee that’s fun, every time I nod or shake my head this long hair tickles my ears.  I think I kind of like it.’

“Girls,” Ellen said.  “Before you leave I need to explain something to you both.  Due to the fact that there are some people and groups don’t like transsexuals, this school and its location are a very closely guarded secret.  Normally a member of the faculty would have brought you here, but because of special circumstances, your mother was trusted with the directions.  I need you all to promise that you won’t tell anybody about the school, the type of students that go here or where this school is.”

“We promise,” Rachael and I solemnly swore, in one voice.

“Very well, I will see you both tomorrow morning at 9:30.  Rachael it has been a pleasure meeting you today,” said Ellen.  Then we all got up and Ellen led us out to our car.

We said our goodbyes to Ellen, then got into our car and started for home.  No one spoke as we drove back up the hill toward the main gate of the school.  I guess we were all thinking about what had happened that day, I know I was.  Today started out just asking for a little help for me to be convincing as a girl, and has ended up with me attending classes for the next seven days at this exclusive, almost secret school.  As we approached the gates they slid open.  There must be a camera mounted somewhere, I wonder just what kind of school this really is that has that kind of security.

“Mom, why is Ellen going to set up an office for you?” I asked.

“Ellen offered me a job at the school.  It seems that they are looking for several more Psychiatrists and counselors.  With that many students they just haven’t been able to find enough that are trained, and are understanding of the problems that transgendered children have.  I’ve tentatively accepted.  I would be a counselor, working with those students that are not transgendered.  While I am working there I will go back to the University and take the classes I need to refresh and then finish my Doctorate degree,” Mom explained.

We stopped at Wal-Mart and got me two pairs of shoes and five magazines.  One pair of black Mary Jane’s and a pair of white sneakers with pink butterflies, they were just so cute I had to ask.  After we got home I quickly changed; I finished just minutes before Chuck got home.

After dinner that night, Mom called and talked with Jean Phelps.  Rachael and I went to see Mary Beth.  We met at our favorite corner of Liberty Park.

“Hi, Mary Beth,” Rachael and I said together.  There we go, acting like twins again.

“Hi Rachael,” Mary Beth said.  Then looking around to make sure we were alone.  When she saw there was nobody close, she gave me a hug and whispered in my ear.  “Hello, Matilda my dear friend.  How have you been?”

“Things have been pretty good.  That birthday invitation kind of stirred things up though,” I said.

“I’m really sorry about that.  I tried to get my Mom to let me invite Matt.  I told her that he was my best friend, and I really, really wanted him there.  She just wouldn’t budge, 'You’re only ten years old and it just wouldn’t be proper to invite a boy to your birthday party', she kept telling me.  I figured that the next best thing would be to invite Matilda.  I hope I didn’t cause you too much trouble,” she said.  She was really sad about the whole thing.  I hugged her for a minute to tell her it was okay.

“Hey it’s really no problem, Mary Beth.  It just caused us to move up the timetable for Matilda’s debut.  It's been a wild couple of days, and will be very busy for me over the next week and a half as I get ready for your party,” I told her.

“It’s going to take you almost two weeks to get ready for my party?  What do you mean?” Mary Beth asked.

“Well your Mother said that Matt couldn’t come to the party, right?  So if I show-up in a dress, looking like Matt in a dress, how do you think your Mother will react?”  I asked her.

“Oh my, she would probably cancel the party and I would be grounded for at least two weeks,” Mary Beth said, shaking her head.  “So what do you have to do?” she asked.

“It’s simple . . . I have to become a girl!” I told her.

Mary Beth looked at me like she didn’t believe a word I was saying.  “How can you become a girl?  Let alone become a girl in two weeks?” she finally asked.

“Well, I don’t know all of what is going to happen.  But trust me, when Matilda shows up at your Birthday Party you won’t recognize her,” I said.

“Sure you will, Mary Beth, because Matilda will be the prettiest girl at your birthday party,” Rachael said while giggling.

“You two are teasing me again,” Mary Beth said.

“Well judging from the reaction of everyone who's met Matilda so far, you’d better get your hair done professionally.  Get yourself a new gown with shoes to match.  Also you’ll need to learn how to do your makeup so that you'll look like a princess.  That's if you want to stay in the running,” I said, all while keeping a straight face.

“You mean Matilda has been out meeting other people?”  Mary Beth asked.

“Well for the last two days . . .” I started.

“Wait a minute.  Are you telling me that Matilda wears MAKEUP?” Mary Beth said excitedly, as she realized what I had said.

“That’s right.  And for your party, I get to wear make up too,” beamed Rachael.

“That’s so unfair.  My Mom won’t let me wear makeup until I’m fourteen,” Mary Beth said pouted.

“Well it’s really just a little tiny bit of make up, to accent certain features,” I added.  “But if having Matilda and Rachael wearing make up at your birthday party is going to cause you to not enjoy your own party, I guess we could cancel and not come,” I offered.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re my best friend.  It doesn’t matter to me if you are Matt or Matilda, I love you and I want you at my party.  Even if you do turn out to be prettier than me.  Of course I doubt that you can,” Mary Beth said, almost as a challenge.

“So tell me, why is Rachael going to spend Thursday, Friday and all of next week at my house?”  Mary Beth asked.

“Well, it’s like I said.  It will take a lot of work for me to be a girl.  I'm going someplace where they will teach me the things I need to know.  And before you ask about it, don’t.  We aren’t allowed to talk about it,” I said in answer to her unasked question, although I probably caused her to think of ten more.

“Well, okay, whatever.  So when do I get to meet Matilda?  I kind of need to know what the competition looks like,” Mary Beth asked.

“Well I’m sorry but you don’t get to meet her until your party.  You see; Karen, Chuck, and Dad don’t know about Matilda yet and we need to keep it that way for now.”  I told her.  “Mary Beth I need to ask you a really, really big favor?  I need you to promise me that you won’t talk about Matilda to anyone else.  No one can know that I’m Matilda.  Please . . . promise me?”  I asked, as I looked deep into Mary Beth’s eyes.

“Oh that's going to be hard, and it's going to be really hard after the party.  Everyone there will want to know who Matilda is, where she came from, how I know her.  Lots of things like that.  But okay, I promise I won’t talk about Matilda to anyone,” Mary Beth said.

“I know it’s going to be hard, but we have to keep it a secret.  Like I said, Dad doesn’t know about Matilda and I'm afraid that he's not going to like this very much,” I told her.  I couldn’t help myself; I started shaking as I thought about Dad’s reaction to Matilda.

Rachael quickly put her arms around me.  “This happens every time Matilda thinks about Dad.  She is really afraid of him.  Dad has kind of a violent temper and sometimes he loses control,” Rachael told Mary Beth softly.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone anything,” Mary Beth promised.

Mary Beth put her arms around me as well and together they hugged me until I stopped shaking.  It was almost dark when I had settled down enough to be led home.  With Rachael on one side of me and Mary Beth on the other side, they led me home.  Rachael told Mom what had happened at the park and why I was so upset.  Mom had to get me ready for bed again, as I wasn’t very coherent at the time.”

But what lies in store?

Tomorrow is always a secret.

**** To be continued ****

I would like to thank my dear friends,

Angel O’Hare, Karen Page, Holly H Hart, and Joni W.

for their kindness, help, support and input.

Raised In SLC

Chapter 5

 By Penny Reed Cardon

Thursday morning arrived and for some reason I’m almost as scared of going back to Immigration Manor, as I am of Dad.  I don't know why, everyone there is very nice.  Nobody is going to be mean, or be shocked because I'm a boy in girl's clothes, but I'm still scared.  Mom noticed that I was very nervous, so nervous that the hair of my wig shook slightly while mom was applying my makeup.

"Matilda, what's the matter dear?"

"I know its silly Mom, I'm just really nervous today."

"But why dear?  You've seen the school, met some of the other students, and some of the staff.  They know about you, and they want to help you.  No one is going to be mean to you or tease you."

"I know that Mom, I've been going through this in my mind over, and over, since I got up this morning.  There's nothing to be nervous about, but I'm still really nervous."

"Well dear, I understand that you're nervous, but if you don't stop shaking, I'm going to miss your eyelashes with this mascara and it's going to end up all over your nose!" Mom said with a grin and a giggle.

Mom knows me too well.  A little bit of laughter and I’m able to relax, some.

"Thanks Mom, I needed that.  Still, maybe I should have another talk with Jill, sometime in the next day or two," I said.

"That's not a bad idea, although there's no time this morning.  If you still feel like this, this afternoon, I’ll try to arrange something for tomorrow."

"Thanks Mom, you're the greatest."

"I love you to, dear.  Now, if you’re ready we'd better get going.  You don't want to be late for your first day of school, do you?"

"No Mom, I guess not," I said while shaking my head.  

'I just love the way that long hair tickles my ears when I shake my head.'

"Well then, stop day dreaming girl and let's get a move on."

With that we were off.  It didn't seam to take as long to get to Immigration Manor, the second day.  That's probably a good thing, less time to think about what might happen, and less time to get scared again.

Ellen met us as we were walking from the parking lot towards the building where her office is.

"Good morning Edith, Matilda, how are you both today?" she asked.

"We’re both doing fine, although Matilda is a bit nervous," Mom replied.

"Mother!" I complained softly, through clenched teeth.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Don't worry about it Matilda, everyone who comes here is nervous their first day.  We have a special program here to help new girl's relax and feel at home.  I'm sure you will be feeling like your old self in no time.  Shall we go in and get started?"  Ellen said, as she held the door.

"I don't know if I want to feel like my old self.  My old self is a scared little boy named Matt, who's afraid to leave his mothers side.  I think I like my new self better," I said with a little giggle, as I walked past Ellen.

"Well she must be feeling better, she's making jokes," Mom said, shaking her head.

Ellen laughed at both of us as she led us into a small conference room.  Seated at the table were Beca, and a lady that I’d never seen before.

"I'm sure you both remember Beca, she has volunteered to be your big sister while you're here, Matilda," said Ellen. 

"Why do I need a big sister?" I asked.

"At Immigration Manor, a big sister is a friend and companion, someone to talk to and much, much more.  She'll act as your guide, as a private tutor and as your mentor.  Beca will help you learn how to be a girl; she will be your constant companion while you're here."

"Wow, with all that I almost don't need any other teachers.  When will Beca do her school work?" I asked.

"As I told you yesterday, Beca is one of the top students here.  Beca came to me yesterday and requested to be your big sister.  She did invent a crazy story about it giving the other students a chance to catch up," Ellen chuckled.

Throughout this exchange Beca sat quietly, until Ellen's last comment.

"Hey, it's not my fault I'm not afraid to use my brain.  Everyone here could do much better if they tried just a little harder," Beca said quickly, defending herself.

“Beca please,” said Ellen with a giggle.  “Nobody said you should do anything different.  And yes the other students could do better if they put forth a little more effort.  I’m simply pointing out that helping Matilda is your idea, and that your school work won’t suffer.  The other students might not be at Beca’s level, but everyone here is between one and three years ahead of students the same age at other schools.  Beca has enough High School credits to graduate; by the time she leaves us, when she’s eighteen, she will have earned a Bachelors Degree from the university.”

“Oh,” Beca said settling back down.  “I guess I owe you an apology, I’m sorry for my outburst Ellen.”

“Apology accepted.  Although an apology wasn’t necessary Beca, you weren’t out of line, just a little overly defensive,” replied Ellen with a large smile.  “Now may we continue?  Matilda I would like to introduce Miss Wednesday Adams.  Miss Adams is our Physical Appearance Specialist.  With her help and guidance all of our young girl’s look and present themselves as young ladies.  She works with both the genetic and transgendered.  It seams that most girls’ today aren’t taught what it means to be a lady.”

With that said Miss Adams rose and offered her hand.  “I’m very pleased to meet you Matilda.  Ellen has told me so much about you.  She's obviously very impressed with you, I can see why.”

I shook her hand; “I’m pleased to meet you Miss Adams.  Thank you, I think.”

All three of the adults giggled.  Beca and I just looked at each other and wondered why?  What is it that they know that we don't?

"Wednesday, why don't you and Beca, show Matilda to her room and help her into her school uniform."  Ellen said, resting one of her hands on my right shoulder.  "Matilda, I want you to remember two things.  One, everyone here will do their very best to help you be what you want to be.  Two, relax and try not to question what you're asked to do.  Some things may not make sense to you at the time, but we've been doing this for a long time and I assure you we know what we’re doing.  We'll see you later dear."

With that said Miss Adams escorted me out of the conference room with Beca following close behind.  We went down a corridor then we made a right turn, a left turn, through a door and outside.

"Miss Adams, could I ask you a couple of questions?" I decided to ask.

"Of course Matilda, you may ask me anything you like," she said.

"Well, I’m just wondering about your name 'Wednesday Adams'?   You're a lot older than the 'Adams Family' movies I've seen.  How did you get named after a movie character, when you were born before the movies had been made?" I asked.

"While it is true that the movies that you know hadn't been made before I was born.  It’s also true that my parents were very fond of the old TV series that the movies were based on.  My parents thought it would be 'cute' to name me Wednesday, being that our last name is Adams.  You’ll never know how much teasing I endured in school.  One year for Halloween, Mom even dressed me up to look like 'Wednesday Adams' from the TV series.  The embarrassment from that night hung with me for many months," she confessed.

"Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn't know about the TV series.  I didn't mean to tease you about your name," I said.  I hung my head as I softly continued.  "I do know what it's like to be teased at school though.  You see, I'm the smallest student in the whole fourth grade."  I paused for a few moments before continuing.  "Do you know what's worse than having a funny name?  Being almost ten years old, but not looking like you’re ten years old, AND having a funny name.  Everybody says I look like my eight year old sisters twin, lots of people frequently mistake us for twins."

At that Miss Adams suddenly stopped.  I’d lost track of our location, we'd left one building and had gone through another one making several turns and we were again outside, and because of the conversation I really hadn't been paying attention.

Miss Adams looked at me closely and said, "Did I hear you correctly, you're eight year old sister is the same size as you?"

I looked up at her and shyly nodded, there's that funny little tickling of the ears again.

"Well, what do they feed children around here?  You’re about average for ten where I come from," she said.  "So Matilda, what funny name did you get blessed with?"

"My parents named me Matthias!  My friends called me Matt.  Black Bart and the other bullies call me 'Little Mattie," I said hanging my head in shame.

Miss Adams gently lifted my head.  "Nobody around here will ever tease you about your name.  You definitely don't look like a Matthias.  And I know that you weren't teasing when you asked about my name."

I knew Miss Adams was right, but remembering how I’ve been treated in the past still made me sad.  Unfortunately neither Miss Adams nor Beca knew me well enough to know that I could use a hug.  I sure missed Mom and Rachael.

"What other question did you have Matilda?" Beca asked trying to get things moving.

"We've come quite a way and I think I'm lost.  Can I get a map of the school so I'll be able to find my way around?" I asked.

"That won't be necessary.  Because you aren't a full-time student you'll be escorted everywhere you go." Miss Adams said with a smile.  "That's part of what your ‘Big Sister’ is for."

"That's right!  So let's get moving 'Little Sis" Beca said with a very light swat to my bottom, and a giggle.  "We've got to get you dressed and get some work done before lunch."

"Yes ma’am!"  Both Miss Adams and I said, with a giggle.

We continued on to the next building, where we went up to the second floor.

"This is the dormitory for the ten through twelve year olds," Miss Adams explained, as we walked down the corridor and entered a large bedroom.  "I know you won't be sleeping here, but this is a standard student’s room," Miss Adams said as she started giving me the tour.  "All the clothes you'll need during your stay are in this walk-in closet, to your right.  Each room has a private bathroom that’s on your left.  There's an interconnecting door to the room that would be for your study partner.  Of course in your case that room is vacant.  Each room also has a work desk with a computer that's linked with the schools networks and mainframe, as well as a small sofa and table so you can just sit and relax when needed.  Well that's the rundown on your room.  Now then, shall we get you dressed?"

"Well I suppose it is time to get started," I said nervously, trying to force a smile.

“Matilda, before we begin, do you need to use the bathroom?” Miss Adams asked.  “It may be some time before you have another opportunity.”

“Well, um . . . I guess maybe I should go,” I said.

“That’s fine dear.  I’ll just get your uniform out of the closet and lay everything out on the bed, while you’re in the bathroom,” said Miss Adams.  I nodded as I went into the bathroom.

To my surprise Beca and Miss Adams were both still in the room as I came out of the bathroom.

“Matilda, I have a couple of questions for you before we get started.  Why don’t you have a seat on the sofa next to Beca,” Miss Adams asked.  After I’d joined Beca on the sofa, Miss Adams brought a chair over and sat down in front of us before she continued.  “Matilda, my role as the Physical Appearance Specialist is to see that you, as well as all of the girls, give the proper outward appearance.  Matilda being that you're almost ten, I'll assume that you know the difference between boy's and girls?"

"Well yes, I'm pretty sure I know what you mean," I answered.

"So if I show you some pictures of children in swimming suits you'd be able to tell me which are boys and which are girls, right?"

"Umm, yes I guess so."

"That's fine, what do you see in this picture?" asked Miss Adams while handing me a picture. 

It was a picture of a boy, kind of cute that appeared to be about twelve-years-old, with short brown hair wearing dark blue brief style swimming trunks.  His male body parts while covered were noticeable.

"This is a boy," I said.

"Very good, now what do you see in this picture?"

Miss Adams then handed me a picture of a lovely young girl about the same age, maybe a year older with long brown hair wearing a dark blue one piece tank style swimming suit.

"This is a girl," I said.

"You're sure?"

I looked at the picture again, "Yes."

"Okay, how about this one?"

Miss Adams handed me another picture, it was the same boy as in the first picture.  He was wearing the same swimming trunks, only his hair was longer.  His hair hung down to just below his ears.

"This is the same boy," I said.

"And what do you see in this picture?"

The next picture I was handed started to confuse me.  It appeared to be the same boy, but his hair hung down to his shoulders and he was wearing the girl's dark blue tank swimming suit.   His male body parts while covered were still noticeable.

"Well I think this is the same boy only with long hair and wearing a girl's swimming suit," I said.

"Are you sure it's not a girl?" asked Miss Adams.

"Well, yes pretty sure," I replied.

"What makes you think that that person is a boy?" she asked.

"Well like I said, he does have long hair and he is wearing a girl's swimming suit, but his umm, umm, boy parts are causing a bulge in the suit," I replied shyly, blushing.

Miss Adams chuckled as she responded, "You're correct Matilda, and his boy parts as you put it are somewhat recognizable.  Now Matilda would you go back to the second picture I gave you and tell me what you see?"

I shuffled the pictures until I came to the one of the girl and looked at it again, carefully.

"This looks like the boy's twin sister," I finally said.

"Matilda, what you're looking at are four pictures of the same person," Miss Adams said.

Nothing could be heard for several seconds as I shuffled back and forth between the four pictures, becoming confessed.

"What happened to his boy parts, were they ... Were they cut off?" I finally whispered.

"Not yet," Beca said while giggling.

I looked up at Beca, then at the pictures, then back at Beca.  "Beca, this is you, isn't it?" I said.

"Yes Matilda," Beca said while still laughing.  "Those pictures were taken at about four month intervals.  The first two were taken before I came to the Manor."

"But what happened to . . ."

"There still there Matilda," Miss Adams said.  "There's a technique used to tuck then away so the outward appearance is that of a girl.  That is what this lesson is about.  In my role as Appearance Specialist things sometimes it gets a little awkward and sometimes causes some embarrassment.  Umm, Matilda, have you ever changed clothes with someone else present?”

Shyly I shook my head.

“Well, have you had to do something that you found extremely hard to do and caused you to be embarrassed?” she asked.

Ever so slowly I nodded.

“Could you tell me about it please?” Miss Adams asked.

Slowly I related the story of using the public restroom at the Crossroads mall.

“Very interesting, what did you mother say or do afterwards?” she asked.

“Well, we stopped and sat on a bench and she put her arms around me.  Then she said that she knew how embarrassed I’d be, doing what we’d just done, but there was simply no other way.  Doing something hard or embarrassing is sometimes how we learn,” I said very softly, almost whispering.  I’m afraid of where this conversation’s leading.  I couldn’t help myself as I started to softly cry.  Where is Rachael, Mom, or even Mary Beth when I need them?  I don’t know how long I sat there crying, when suddenly I felt someone’s arms around my shoulders.  I slowly looked up and discovered that it was Beca.  I’m not sure but I think I saw a tear in her eye as well.  Maybe Beca is a good choice for my big sister.  As I looked at her I suddenly put my arms around her waist and we just hugged each other for a few minutes.  After I settled down and had almost stopped crying Miss Adams handed us both some tissue to dry our eyes.

“Matilda, I’m really very sorry about this, and I wish I knew an easier way to do this, but I guess there really isn’t.  Would you please stand up and remove you skirt and underwear?”  Miss Adams asked.  Her words sounded like thunder in my ears. 

I couldn’t move.  I just sat there hugging Beca as I looked at Miss Adams.  Then I looked up into Beca’s eyes. 

“It’s okay Matilda; you'll only have to go through this once.  You know what, you’re actually kinda lucky.  Because you’re so small, Miss Adams is only going to have you wear two pairs of tight panties.  I had to learn how to tuck myself into a ‘Gaff’.  Would it be easier for you if I left the room?” Beca asked.

Vigorously I shook my head, “Nooo pleaseee stay.  I need someone to be with me right now,” I said while still crying softly. I slowly rose while still holding onto Beca’s hand.  It took several more minutes before I let go of Beca’s hand and slowly removed my blue skirt and the blue lace panties that I’d put on that morning.  The embarrassment I felt, standing in front of Miss Adams, naked from the waist down was like nothing I’d experienced before.  I covered my face with both hands, I just couldn't stop crying.  Beca got up from the sofa and put her arms around me, momentarily shielding my nakedness.  After I’d settled down Miss Adams continued.

'If you, my beloved readers don’t mind, I am going to leave out the details of what followed.  If you've been ‘tucked’ before you know what I'm talking about. If you haven’t had the need then these details won’t mean anything to you.  Just accept the fact that having Miss Adams teaching me this was extremely embarrassing and the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to me up until that time in my life. '

Well, it took all morning, but I’m finally dressed for school.  My uniform consisted of two pair of tight cotton panties (to keep things in place), a padded training bra, a white silk camisole with matching panties, a half slip, white blouse, red plaid pleated skirt, white knee socks and black Mary Jane’s.  I’m glad I’d gone to the bathroom before this started.  Miss Adams was right about that.

“Beca, as we have taken most of the morning getting these necessities taken care of, and do to the fact that Matilda is still quite emotionally exhausted.  Why don’t the two of you just stay here for a while?  Take whatever time Matilda needs to regain her composure and then bring her over for lunch," Miss Adams said, just before leaving us.

“I’m sorry that was so hard on you Matilda,” Beca said after Miss Adams left, and she once again sat hugging me.  “But all things considered you got off easy.”

“W - What do you mean, I g - got off easy?” I said while still crying.

“Well the technique that Miss Adams' teaches is extremely gentle.  When I started here, a couple of years ago, Miss Adams wasn’t here.  The presentation specialist then was a large woman named Helga Sorenson. Helga preferred a direct hand’s on approach to teaching, where as Miss Adams prefers to talk you through it.  What’s worse than Helga’s approach was her lack of compassion.  She seemed to take delight in forcefully manipulating the parts into place, as she taught us how to tuck.  She would grab and squeeze, pull and push.  Oh I tell you, her technique was so very painful.”

“W - What happened to her?”

“I don’t know exactly, but according to some of the girls in the upper years, Helga was lesbian.  Now, I know that Ellen is very open-minded about a person’s sexual preference.  But according to the grapevine, Helga treated all the transgendered girls as rough as she did me.  What’s more, I’m told that while she taught the genetic girls to shave or wax, so they would look good in their swimsuits or skirts, she would take certain liberties with them.  Like I said Ellen is very tolerant, except when it comes to the students here.  She doesn’t tolerate anything that would jeopardize a student’s health, safety, or the reputation of this school.  According to the rumors Ellen, got the evidence she needed and gave it to a friend of hers.  The only thing we know for sure is that Helga is gone.”

“Does anyone know where she went?”

“No one knows for sure, but some of the older girls think she is spending some time at a ‘State run Institution of Higher Education’ for the next thirty to fifty years.”

“She’s where?” I asked, not understanding Beca's reference.

“They say she is at the Utah state prison at ‘Point of the Mountain’.  It’s rumored that she was convicted of over twenty five counts of sexual abuse of a minor.”

“Wow, Ellen must have some connections.”

“Like I said, don’t ever cross her.  There is nothing more important to her than the physical and mental well being of the students here.  Well, you seem to be feeling better, shall we move on to your next lesson?”

“My next lesson, I thought we were going to lunch?” I asked, being very puzzled.

“That’s right sis, Lunch.  It’s time you learned to eat like a girl,” Beca giggled.

With that, we got up and went over to the cafeteria and we got our lunches.  Beca got a taco salad for herself, mashed potatoes, gravy, and veggies for me.

“Beca, I would prefer the taco salad,” I said politely.

“Not today sis.  In fact, for the next couple of days I will be selecting your meals.”

“But why, I don’t understand?” I asked, again puzzled.

“Because that’s what big sisters are for.”  Is all she would tell me.

Beca led me to a small dining room, just off of the main dinning room, instead of to the table we were at yesterday.  There were two place settings of silverware already on the table.  Beca sat down at one and so I naturally sat at the other.  That’s when I began to notice something-strange.  The silverware at my place was unusually small, like something meant for a baby.

“What’s with the small fork and spoon?” I asked.

“Well, the eating habits of boys are usually on the over indulgent side.  So we always start new girls off with these utensils so they can get into the habit of taking smaller bites.  You will need to use these for about the next four days, we’ll see if you are ready to graduate to standard utensils on Monday,” Beca said as if there were nothing unusual about it.  “Oh, by the way, we have a set for you to take home with you so you can do your home work.”

“I can’t use these at home.  What will the rest of my family say?”  I asked.

“Well I don’t know about your family, but when I was at home people came and went at all different times.  Meals together as a family were usually few and far between,” Beca said, remembering her childhood.  “Anyway the rules say that you are to eat twelve meals with these.  You can use them at home and get it over with fast, or you can just use them here and use these all next week.  The choice is yours,” she said, as she started in on her salad.

“Well I guess that’s why the choice of the potatoes and veggies,” I said as I picked up what looked like a baby sized spoon, and started in on my lunch.  “I guess a taco salad would be kind of hard to manage with these,” I said with a giggle, Beca simply nodded her head.

About the time Beca had finished her lunch and I’d eaten about half of mine, Beca surprised me.

"Matilda, you know what, you’re sure are a lucky girl," Beca said.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you’re Mom really loves you and is okay with all of this."

“Yes, well, my Mother is very special.  She understood me and my need to be a girl, even before I understood it myself.  You know, I don't know how . . . but she always seems to know when I'm sad or I'm going to cry.  I'll bet this morning must have been almost as hard for Mom as it was for me, feeling that I needed her and not being able to be there for me." 

'I suddenly had a deeper love and respect for my Mother, as I realized how deeply she really loved me.  It's kind of funny, but it took explaining it to someone else for me to truly realize just how special my Mother is. 

'I need to have a long talk with Mom tonight and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her . . .'

"Yoo hoo; earth to Matilda, are you going to wake up and finish your lunch?" Beca asked, as she gently shook me.

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking about my Mother," I said shyly.

"Hey that's okay but you need to finish your lunch.  You've got another class to get to,"

"You want me to eat faster, how about giving me a regular fork or spoon?"

"Sorry, that, I can’t do.  I suggest less talk and more action," Beca said with a giggle, while flexing her arm at the elbow.

It took a bit longer than I expected but I did finished most of my lunch.  After returning the dishes to the kitchen Beca led me back to my room.

"I thought I had a class to get to?" I asked.  "Why are we back here?"

"You do have a class.  I'm your teacher for the afternoon.  Today's lesson is ‘Walking’; from now until 2:00 I’m going to teach you how to walk like a girl."

"What's wrong with the way I walk?"

"Nothing, if you want to tell the whole world you're a boy in girl's clothing."

"I'm sorry, I said I'd do whatever I was asked to do," I said shyly.  "Where do we begin?"

"That's better," said Beca.  She then got a dictionary from the shelves above the computer.  "We'll start with this."

She handed me the dictionary, it must have weighed five pounds, bigger than any dictionary I'd ever seen.

"What do I do with this?"

"It's simple, stand up straight, put the dictionary on your head and walk across the room."

That sounded simple enough, so I took the dictionary and went over to the door and put it on my head.  The dictionary of course had a mind of its own and immediately jumped off.  I picked it up and tried it again.  The fourth time it fell I began to think that the dictionary just didn’t like long hair, when Beca offered the suggestion, "Lift your chin."

"What do you mean?"

"The top of your head is flat.  If you lift your chin the flat spot will be horizontal and the book will stay up."

"Hey it works," I said.  That is until I took a step.  After many more failures I’d about come to the conclusion that it couldn't be done.  Beca on the other hand was sitting comfortably on the sofa, openly laughing at the antics and contortions I’d been going through in my various attempts.

"Matilda, pretend there's a rope coming down from the ceiling that's attached to the top of your head.  It's lifts you up two inches, it straightens your back and lifts your head at the same time." 

I followed her instructions, standing up straight and lifting my head at the same time. 

"Okay, forget about the dictionary for right now, just walk across the room while keeping your back and head in that position."

I followed Beca's instructions and walked across the room, turned and went back.

"Better," Beca said, "Now walk across and back again only this time don't stomp."

"Don't what?"

"Don't stomp your feet as you walk, girl's glide as they walk, while boy's on the other hand stomp around like a herd of elephants."

It took several more times back and forth before I came to the realization of what Beca meant.

"Very good, now put the dictionary on your head and do it again."

I'd like to say that I walked perfectly, but anyone who has been through this little exercise knows that it takes a lot of time to master.  But owing to the determination by both Beca and myself, I eventually succeeded in crossing the room and returning, several times without dropping the dictionary.

"That's great Matilda," Beca said, complementing me on the amount of progress I'd made.  "Tomorrow, we'll do this again and then we'll tackle the stairs.  So how do you feel about today?"

"Well, considering everything that's happened today, I really feel pretty good."

"That's great.  It's almost 2:00 and there's one more thing we need to do, before we get you changed, so you can go home."

"What's that?"  I asked with a smile.

"Well, um . . . You may not like this but . . . oh geeze . . . Look I'm trying to figure out how to do this without you falling apart like you did this morning."

"Well what is it that I need to do?"  I asked softly.  I almost dreaded the answer to that question, but I had to ask.

"I'm sorry Matilda but I'm supposed to watch you practice tucking.  I'm just trying to figure out how to do it without you having to be naked.  I know how much that upsets you."

I was scared, Beca was sympathetic, and we both just sat on the sofa looking at each other for a few minutes.

"Would it be easier if I had Miss Adams' come back for this?" Beca asked.

"Oh no, that wouldn't help at all."

"Well how about this idea.  Would it upset you too much for me to see you in just your underwear?"

“Well, I don't know . . . I, I guess not,” I said shyly.

“Okay we'll do it this way.  Take off your skirt and blouse.  Then go into the bathroom and take off your panties.  Open the door a little and put just your hand out holding the panties.  Then close the door and put them back on while tucking everything back into place.  When you’re done come out and we’ll see how well you did.  Do you think you can do that?”

“Well it sounds a lot better to me than me being naked and having you watch me,” I said.

“All right, let’s get started them.”

I slowly took off my blouse and skirt, laying them neatly on the bed and went into the bathroom.  I had a little trouble holding things in place while I pulled up the panties the first time; the second time was a little easier.  After that Beca told me to get dressed in my clothes, putting the school’s underwear down a laundry shoot in the bathroom.  Then Beca took me back to the administration building, and to Mom’s office.  The baby-sized utensils had already been delivered to Mom's office, of course she had no idea what there for.

I knocked on Mom’s office door as we arrived.

“Come in,” I heard Mom call out.

"Hi Mom, ready to go?" I asked as Beca and I entered.

"Hello Matilda, hello Beca," Mom greeted us.  "Oh Matilda, I heard about your morning.  I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be there for you.  I know how embarrassed you must have been, how you must have felt."

My Mother of all people (aside from Rachael) could sense my feelings.

"It's okay Mom, you didn't know.  Neither of us knew what was going to happen.  I guess I had a right to be nervous this morning, I just didn't know why," I said.  "Beca was there for me and her being there helped a lot.  Beca says that I only have to go through that once, although I do need to practice, it's kind of hard to get everything just right.  It's also kind of uncomfortable, but I guess I'll get used to it."

"Oh Sweetheart, I still wish I'd been there to help you through it," Mom said softly.

"I know Mom, if you could have been there you would have, but I'm okay Mom really.  Oh Mom, you can help me with another problem though.  Some really small silverware should have been delivered."

"Oh yes, they were delivered about an hour ago," Mom said as she opened a drawer and lifted out the silverware, looking at them curiously.  "I couldn't help but wonder what something like these would be used for around here."

"They’re part of girl 101.  I have to eat twelve meals with these.  How are we going to explain these to the rest of the family?"  I shook my head while asking for mom's help.  I wonder if I'll ever get tired of my hair tickling my ears.

"These are so very tiny.  Are you able to get enough to eat with these little things?" Mom giggled as she asked.

"Well it's a slow process, but I did manage to eat my lunch with them," I answered.

"I guess we'll just have to figure something out sweetheart," Mom said.  "So Beca, how'd she do with these?"

"Well she did take a lot longer than most new girls," Beca said with a smile.

I turned to look as her in disbelief.  I was going to say something in my own defense, when Beca continued.

"I guess that's because she talked the whole time," she said while giggling.

"I was not!" I quickly countered. 

Beca just giggled for a few seconds more.

"Of course you weren't, I'm just teasing again.  In all honesty Matilda did very well, actually better than most on there first day in girl 101."

"Well that's good to hear, although not entirely unexpected," Mom told Beca.  "I suppose you're our escort out today?"

"That would be me," Beca said with a smile and a curtsy.

It was just about 2:30 when we were ready to leave.  'I’m really beginning to wonder what else goes on here.  The security here is way too tight for just a school.'

“Oh Mom, we need to stop and get me some more panties,” I said as we were driving home.

“My goodness, you have so many in your drawer now that it takes you two weeks to wear each one once, why do you need more?”

“I know Mom, but I need some that are one size smaller than what I wear.  I’m supposed to stay ‘Tucked’ all the time, except when I’m in bed.  That requires two tight pairs in addition to my regular underwear.”

“I’ll bet that makes going to the bathroom a bit more challenging?”

“Well yes, it does take a little longer.  And I always have to sit to go, but then so does every girl.  So I guess I won’t be any different.  Except what we do after we’re finished,” I giggled.

Mom chuckled at my feeble attempt at humor, “That’s pretty bad Matilda.  You better work on your jokes.”

“Sorry Mom.”

“Oh well, what’s another dozen pairs of panties between friends?”

“Oh Mom, now that’s a real bad, who is it that needs to work on those jokes?  Anyway I’m sorry that this will make extra laundry for you.  Maybe I should start doing my own laundry, especially with you going to work at the Manor.  You aren’t going to have time to do everybody’s laundry.”

“Well maybe I should start teaching everyone do their own laundry.  But I think for now I should continue do Matilda’s laundry, we wouldn't want anyone becoming suspicious.”

“You’re probably right about that Mom.  Oh Mom, what are we going to tell everyone about the tiny silverware?”

“Well, all I’ve come up with is, I tell everyone that you are being punished for eating like a pig at lunch, and I'm making you use them until Monday to teach you better table manners.   What do you think of that?”

“I guess that’ll work, I’m going to have to pretend to be upset at having to use them, won’t I?”

“Yes that would help.  Just think about telling your Father about Matilda; that should make you look upset.”

“Mom that would have me shaking so bad I wouldn’t be able to eat, especially if Dad’s there.”

“Well just think of something that makes you sad, and I think we will get away with the story.”

We got home and I changed.  Matt had returned once again, but being tucked made everything seam a little different.  Rachael got home shortly after Mom and I did and wanted to know everything that happened at school.  Of course, I did leave out a few embarrassing details. 

'Hey a girl needs a few secrets, doesn’t she?'

So day three as Matilda had come to a close.  In three day’s I’d gone from a scared little boy, to a beauty queen, to terrified, to utterly humiliated, to an average student.  I was almost afraid of what tomorrow would bring.  But time waits for no man, or girl in this case.

As the night ticked away the sun began to slowly peek over the tops of the Rocky Mountains, slowly bathing the valley with its warming light pushing away the shadows of the night, another new day is dawning.

Beca met us as we arrived at the doors of the administration building and whisked me away.  Changing into my uniform was a lot easier the second day as I wasn't quite so self-conscious about Beca seeing me in my underwear.

"We'll do this pretty much like yesterday Matilda.  Take off your skirt and blouse and leave them on the bed.  Then go into the bathroom and take off your underwear and hand them out.  I'll hand you the school underwear, put them on and them come out to finish getting dressed."

"I'm still not sure why I have to change my underwear?  It seams like a waste of time, and extra laundry to me."

"Well I don't pretend to know all the reasons, but the rules are very clear.  Anyone attending classes at the Manor is to be in school issued clothing at all times."

“You mean that everything you wear, your uniforms and your every day clothes, all your clothes are provided by the school?”

“Yep, everything.  So let’s not stand around questioning the rules, get your clothes off and get into the bathroom,” Beca said while trying to swat my bottom.  I saw it coming this time and scooted out of her reach.

“Yes Mother,” I replied with a giggle.

I dressed quickly and we went to my morning class, ‘Voice and Public Speaking.  Beca led me to the building with the cafeteria, but this time we went up to a small classroom on the third floor.

“Matilda this is Miss Janis Baker.  Miss Baker, this is Matilda.”  Beca’s introduction seemed so formal this morning, I wasn’t sure why.

“Good morning Miss Baker,” I said politely.

“Good morning Matilda, it’s nice to meet you.  Ellen told me you would be attending class this morning as well as each day next week.”

“Miss Baker, I don’t see any class,” I said.

“That’s because you're in a class by yourself, in other words this is a class that is held on an 'as needed' basis.  When someone needs help with their voice I shift from my regular classes and offer special instruction in voice, tone and pronunciation.  I will be listening to you speak and help you make any corrections that are necessary so you will sound proper for a girl of your age.”

“As long as we are talking about age, you do know that I’m almost ten don’t you?”  I questioned.

“Well Matilda, I did assume that you were ten, although from appearance you look to be eight or nine.”

“That’s okay Miss Baker, a lot of people think I’m only eight.  That’s one of the many problems I have to deal with.  Most people think that my eight-year-old sister and I are twins.  It’s really kind of annoying sometimes.”

“I think I can understand how you feel.  Well now, shall we get started?  What I’d like you to do is read for me.  I have a selection of books and magazines.  Pick anything you like and just start reading out loud.  I will listen to you, as you're reading I will give you instructions as to changes I want you to make.”

So that’s how my morning went.  Quite a switch from when I was young and my mother read to me.  Now I’m doing the reading and Miss Baker is doing the listening.  Of course she did help me a lot, changing tone, tempo and lots of other things.  I spent Friday morning with her, and will every morning the following week.  Six days in all, it should have been seven but I took so long getting dressed Thursday morning that I never made it.

After my voice lesson, Beca and I went to lunch.  Today both Beca and I had the same thing, some New England style clam chowder with fresh bread sticks and salad. Everything tasted really good.  I guess Beca knew how good the clam chowder here is because she got some for herself as well as selecting it for me.  The only difference between us is that I took twice as long to finish.  I tell you what; eating clam chowder with that tiny spoon just took so long; a thimble would have been faster.  I had to think quickly to overcome the temptation to pick up the bowel and drink it as Matt frequently did.  As a young lady such conduct would be unthinkable.   So I just kept at it, and at it, eventually I did finish my lunch.  It took so long my arm was getting tired.

After lunch we went back to my room for more “Walking,” by the end of the day I could put the dictionary on my head, leave my room walk down the corridor to the stairs and go down to the first floor.  Walk to the other end of the building and go up the stairs to the third floor.  Walk to the opposite end of the building, down the stairs to the second floor and back to my room.  A busy day to be sure, but at least there were no tear jerking surprises.

'Well, I get two days to relax before starting in on Monday, or do I?  Relaxation has different meanings depending on the circumstances you find yourself in, doesn’t it?'

*** To be continued ***

I would like to thank my dear friends,

Angel O’Hare, Karen Page Holly H Hart and Joni W.

for their kindness, help, support and input.

Raised In SLC

Chapter 6

By Penny Reed Cardon

The weekend held for me its own unique challenges.  Of course, I’m still forced to accept the disciplinary action for eating like a pig, hee hee.  I have to make a fuss, complain, argue and eventually beg about not having to use the baby-sized fork and spoon at each meal.  Mom of course never gives in, after all, how could she.  We giggle about it when we’re alone, while planning the strategy and tactics to be used at the next meal.

Rachael and I met Mary Beth at Liberty Park.

“Mary Beth, Mary Beth, you have to see the silverware that Matilda has to eat with," Rachael squealed, as soon as we were close enough to be heard, but not overheard.  "They're the tiniest things I've ever seen," giggled Rachael, between each word the whole time she was talking.

"Matilda, just what is she talking about?”  Mary Beth asked.

"Mary Beth, it's really nothing . . ." I started.

“According to mom," Rachael interrupted, "She’s making Matt use them to teach him a lesson.  She says that he needs to learn, that he’s not to eat like a pig.  Mom said that his table manners were just so bad at lunch on Thursday that he’ll have to use those baby-sized utensils until Monday.  I don't know what it's all about, cuss on Thursday Matilda was, was . . . Well, she wasn't home, anyway she won't tell me what's really going on."

The three of us were sitting on the grass, in our seldom-visited area of the park, as Rachael’s mouth was going ninety miles an hour.  I’d been trying to keep the details about my training, how to be a girl, low key.  I was a little embarrassed and just hung and shook my head.

"Well Matilda," Mary Beth started, as she snuggled up next to me and put an arm around me, "What's this all about?"

"Mary Beth, it's just something that I have to do," I said, trying not to say too much.

"All right girl, remember this is me you're talking to, Mary Beth.  I’m your bestest friend in the whole world.  I'm the one who's always protected you, comforted you, loved you and cared for you all these years.  Do you remember the promise made to each other, that we wouldn't keep anymore secrets from each other?"

"But Mary Beth, I promised not to talk about it," I whispered.

Through this whole conversation, I sadly hung my head.  Then Mary Beth slowly lifted my chin so she could look into my eyes.  When I once again looked into those beautiful, loving, soft green eyes of my dear friend Mary Beth, I couldn't help myself.  I through my arms around her waist and started crying on her shoulder, sobbing would probably be more accurate.

I forgot about where we were, about the fact that Rachael was with us.  I forgot about everything except that my dear friend Mary Beth was holding me in her, safe, strong, protective arms once again.  Mary Beth loves me as no one else does.  I managed, between sobs, to tell Mary Beth everything that had happened to me over the last four days.  I told her about going to see Amanda Reynolds.  The things she did, and how she turned me into a beautiful girl.  I also told her how I’d fainted when I saw myself in the mirror; I couldn’t believe that I could be the beautiful girl, that I saw.  I told her about our shopping trip to the Crossroads Mall.  About how scared I’d been when I had to use the ladies restroom.  I forgot that I wasn't supposed to talk about Immigration Manor and told her about Miss. Baker and learning to talk like a girl, and about Beca and learning to walk with a book on my head.  I told her about having to learn to eat like a girl, which is why I was using the tiny fork and spoon.  I even told Mary Beth about when Miss Adams taught me how to tuck my privates out of sight, so I would look like a girl down there.  I cried harder as I told her how humiliated I had been, standing naked in front Miss Adams.  I cried as I told her all the details of the past four days.  After I’d finished sobbing through my sad tale, I just clung to Mary Beth as I continued to cry my heart out.

After a while, I felt someone else’s arms surround me.  I looked up through my tearful eyes and saw the sweet smiling face of my mother.  How did she get here?  Did Rachael go get her or had Mom just sensed that I needed her?  I didn't care, my Mother was here and nothing else mattered.  I let go of Mary Beth and threw my arms around my Mother.

"Oh Mommy," I sobbed.

"There, there, it's all right Matilda, it's all right . . ."  Even with Mom's gentle touch and soothing voice it took me quite a while to settle down so that I could once again make intelligent sounds.  "Well Matilda, you’ve had quite a cry.  Do you feel better now, sweetheart?"

I could only nod, as I was afraid that if I started talking I'd start crying again.

"Matilda, I suspect you've been keeping a lot bottled up inside, haven’t you dear?”

I just nodded in response to Mom’s question.

“Dear you know that it’s not healthy to keep your emotions bottled up like that.  You have to talk with someone about how you’re feeling.  You're going through many changes right now.  Along with that change will be a lot of emotional stress and the need for an emotional relief valve.  Sweetheart you have to talk with someone about how you’re feeling.  It doesn't matter if it's me or Jill, Ellen or Beca, it’s even okay to talk with Mary Beth if you feel more comfortable talking to her, just remember your promise to Ellen.  It's not that who you're talking to is going to solve your problems, but just talking about what's going on will be emotionally beneficial.  You don't want to suddenly break down sobbing in the middle of Mary Beth's party do you?"

"No Mom, I wouldn't want anything like that to happen,” I said.  “It’s kind of strange, but you know I do feel a lot better now.  I know this sounds crazy, but I feels like a huge weight has been taken away, as if something that had been stopping me from growing is suddenly gone.  Mom does that make any sense?"

"Yes dear, it makes a lot of sense.  Sometimes we keep things bottled up inside us creating limitations; they seem very real, but only in our mind. These limitations can keep us from growing and reaching our full potential.  It usually takes some kind of emotional impact to help us break free of these self-imposed limitations.  You may have reached a point where you simply couldn't progress.  With all the changes that you have been experiencing lately, your mind has probably been running into those limitations.  Knowing that it needed to grow, but those limitations were trying to prevent that growth.  The changes you’re going through must have required that you break through those limitations, emotionally break down those barriers that were trying to prevent you from growing.  I suspect that from now on there will be no limit to your abilities.  I’m sure that you will no longer be the shy timid child I once knew.  He was such a tiny thing back then, but he was full of wonder and a craving to learn and experience all mysteries of life.  You know Matilda, I think I'm going to miss that little boy of mine, the one I used to cuddle up with and read mystery stories to."

I looked up at Mom; she had tears in her eyes.  "Oh Mom, I love you so much.  You can read to me any time you want," I said while hugging her tightly.

"Oh Matilda, I love you too dear."

Rachael and Mary Beth were close by listening to every word.  Mom and I just sat there and hugged each other for several minutes before either of us moved.

"Mary Beth," Mom said, changing the subject and becoming serious.  "I don't know exactly what Matilda told you while she was emotionally out of control.  However, whatever she told you, you must keep to yourself.  I know how close you and Matilda are, and I know you've promised to keep Matilda's secret.  I realize that what I'm about to tell you will probably not make sense right now, but this is very important.  Anything Matilda told you, you can never tell anyone else, and I do mean never.  Matilda's or someone else's life may depend on you keeping our secret.”

"Mrs. C what are you saying?" Mary Beth asked nervously.

"Just that Matilda may have said some things she shouldn't have," Mom said.

"I'm still not sure what's going on, but if you say it's important Mrs. C and it will help Matilda, or anyone else, then you have my word.  I'll never talk about it with anyone," Mary Beth swore.

"Oh, thank you Mary Beth,” I said.  “I didn't mean to unload on you like that.  I'm really sorry to have gotten you involved in something you might not be ready for."

"Now you hold it right there Matilda.  You can unload on me any time you need to.  I've told you before, and I'll tell you again.  I've always known that you're special, and you’re very special to me.  I don't care if you're Matt or Matilda; I love you for the special person that you are.  I would do anything in the world that you asked me to, just because it's you doing the asking."

"Oh Mary Beth, you're the one that's special.  Thank you so much.  I love you too," I said while hugging my dear friend.

"Hey Matilda," Rachael said in that high-pitched voice that she only uses when she's teasing someone.  "What about Paul?  By the way that you were talking about him on Wednesday, I thought you were in love with him."

"Paul?” Mary Beth asked, ”Paul who?"

"Um . . . Paul Smith," I answered shyly.

"Paul Smith, that really cute boy that’s in the fifth grade?"  Mary Beth asked excitedly.  "Well I guess when school starts he'll be in the sixth grade.  Matilda, you have a thing for Paul Smith.  Wow!  That's just so weird.  I do too.  Do you think there’s enough of him to share?"

We hugged again while giggling.  Mom broke us apart with her announcement as to why she’d come to the park.  She was on a mercy mission.

"Well girl's just look at the time.  Shall we go home and get some lunch?  Oh Mary Beth you're invited as well.  I assume you've heard about Matilda's, umm, training utensils?"

"Oh yes Mrs. C. I remember that part of Matilda's story.  It should be fun to see her in action," said Mary Beth while giggling.  "What's for lunch, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Not at all.  As you know Matilda is kind of limited on what she can eat so were having chicken gravy over rice with mixed vegetables."

"That sounds great Mrs. C.  Um I’m just a little curious, Matilda’s utensils, just how small are they?" asked Mary Beth.

"Well let's put it this way," mom explained, "You’ll take about twenty minutes to eat your lunch.  It will take Matilda about two hours to consume the same amount of food.  Of course, she doesn't stay at the table that long.  She’s just eating less.  I'm guessing she's going to lose about five pounds this weekend."

"Oh Mom, it's not that bad and I'm not losing any weight.  At least I'd better not, if I do I’m going to need some new clothes," I said.  "Hey maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea, shopping for new clothes can be fun."

"Don't get too excited about going shopping," Mom said.  "There's no time for shopping with everything else that's going on.  Well now girls, shall we go have lunch?"

"Sure thing Mom, hey Mom, are Karen or Chuck at home?" I asked.

"No, they're both off with friends and Dad's left for the day as well.  So you don't need to make a fuss about your small utensils this time."

"Oh gee whiz Mom, you're taking all the fun out of it," I complained, trying not to smile.

"Eating with baby sized utensils is fun?" asked Mary Beth.

"Of course not, using those small utensils is a real drag.  It's making a fuss about it that's fun," I answered while giggling.

"Oh you," Mom said, while playfully swatting at my bottom as we walked home.

Soon we were home eating lunch.

"My stars Matilda, those really are small," Mary Beth, said when she saw the actual size of the utensils I’d been using for the last two days.

"Well thanks a lot best friend of mine.  How about showing a little moral support?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" asked Mary Beth nervously.

Being that I’d been using the spoon, I picked up the still clean fork and offered it to Mary Beth.  "Join me?" I asked while giggling.

Mary Beth took the fork and looked at it suspiciously.  "Well, if you can manage to eat with something this small, then I can too."

We spent the next couple of hours in a contest trying to see who could eat their lunch while making the least mess.  The problem was we couldn't stop giggling, and the mess ended up being more than twice what one girl would have made.

"Well Matilda, I'm not sure what you're supposed to be learning by using these, but I've never had so much fun eating lunch," Mary Beth exclaimed.

"I’m supposed to get into the habit of taking small bites.  To be honest Mary Beth, this is the first time I've had fun with them.  At most, meals I have to complain about using them.  Thanks for helping me see what I've been missing."

"Hey, it was my pleasure.  Say Matilda, are you sure there's no way I can meet the real you before next Saturday?"

"I don't see how you can Mary Beth.  I get dressed just before Mom and I leave in the morning, and I change back into Matt as soon as we get home.  I guess if you came over one morning next week to get Rachael we'd have a few minutes to chat before Mom and I have to leave."

"That would be just great.  What time should I come over?"

"I guess about 8:15 would be about right.  Let’s talk with Mom though, just to see what she thinks about the idea."

After we cleaned up the mess we'd made with our lunch, we went to talk to Mom.  We found her in her sewing room.

"Hello girls, finally finished your lunch I see," Mom said, chuckling.

"Yes Mom, it’s lots more fun with Mary Beth here," I said.

"Well I umm, noticed.  Maybe we should invite her over for every meal.  Of course she’d have to stay the whole day as you two take so long to eat.”

"Oh Mom, we weren't in there that long," I said.

"Well dear, you normally give up after about an hour.  The two of you spent almost two and a half hours eating and talking, but mostly you spent the time giggling," Mom said.  She laughed as she saw the expressions on our faces.

"What time is it?" asked Mary Beth.

"It's almost 3:30 girls, you two started eating about 1:00."

"Oh my goodness, I need to get home," exclaimed Mary Beth.

"Mom, before Mary Beth leaves, we’re wondering if there is a way that she can meet the real Matilda.  I told her the only way would be to come over in the morning, just before we leave.  What do you think about that idea?"  I asked.

"That would be okay.  Everyone else is usually gone by then.  You two would be able to talk for a few minutes.  Then Mary Beth and Rachael could walk back to her house as we leave for the, um well, as we leave.  How does that sound to you Mary Beth?" Mom asked.

"That'll work out just great.  I won't be able to see you tomorrow Matilda, but I'll see you about 8:00 Monday morning.  Is that too early?" asked Mary Beth.

"Oh Mary Beth, 8:00 will be just great.  We'll see you Monday morning," I said as I saw Mary Beth out.

The rest of the weekend passed uneventfully.  Of course, I still had to use my training utensils at each meal.  That didn’t bother me too much because I was able to wear my frilly underwear and nighties to bed.

Before I knew it, Monday morning had arrived.  There were no trumpets, bugles or fanfare; it was just another beautiful Monday morning.  I really like my room being on the east side of the house because I get to enjoy each beautiful sunrise.

Dad left for work just before 7:30 as usual.  Mary Beth arrived a little after 8:00.   As soon as Chuck saw Mary Beth he got out of the house as fast as he could, he was complaining about a house full of girls again.  About 8:30, I was starting to get very nervous, as Karen wasn't looking like she had plans to go anywhere.  My problem is that time waits for no man or girl in this case.  I needed twenty minutes to change and do my makeup, and it takes another forty minutes to drive to the Manor.  I went looking for Mom to find out what she knew about Karen’s plans.  I found Mom in the kitchen.

"Mom, what's with Karen today?  She's usually gone by now.  I can't get ready for school while she's here," I whispered.

"I don't know what's going on, but I'll find out.  In the meantime, why don't you get your clothes and go into my room and change.  Do your makeup the best you can and put on your wig.  Then wait in my room until I come for you," Mom instructed.

"Okay Mom, what will we do if Karen's still here when its time to leave?" I asked.

"I'm not sure; maybe it's time to introduce Karen to Matilda.  I'm sure we can trust her to keep our secret," Mom said, somewhat thinking aloud.

"I hope you're right Mom.  It's way too soon for anything to leak to Dad," I said, obviously nervous and starting to shake, although not as much as I used to.

"Don't start this now; you won't be able to do your makeup property.  If we do have to tell Karen, I want you to look your best," Mom said as she put her arms around me.  Mom and I hugged each other for a few seconds, and then I looked up at her and smiled.

"You're right Mom.  I’d better just concentrate on today and let tomorrow, take care of tomorrow."

I got my plaid skirt, white blouse, knee socks and sneakers.  I'd managed to sneak into Mom's room without Karen seeing me, or the bundle I held in my arms.  Darn!  Now I’ve gone and wrinkled everything.  Oh well I guess there are worse things in life than having to wear a wrinkled blouse.  After getting dressed, I did my best at applying my makeup, not as well as Mom would have done.  All in all not too bad though, considering this is the first time I’ve done it completely by myself.  The wig went on easily.  I quickly brushed it out, and it looked great.  I slowly turned the doorknob and pulled open the bedroom door just a crack, hoping to hear Mom talking to Karen.  Shoot! I couldn't hear anything; I closed the door and waited.  Waiting is one of the hardest things for me to do.  I nervously paced back and forth, back and forth.  Slowly the second hand on Dad's 'Lionel' alarm clock ticked off the seconds.  It seamed like it had been an hour, but the clock had only advanced five minutes.  Finally, the door opened and Mom came in. 

"Matilda, are you ready; there's someone here that would like to meet you," Mom said with a smile.  "Matilda, you've done a very good job with your makeup.  You still need a little practice, but very good for the first time doing it without help."

"Thanks Mom, you're a great teacher.  I couldn't have done this without you," I said.

Mom held out her right hand to me.  I nervously put my left hand into hers.  Mom just smiled.

"Matilda," Mom said softly.  "Please relax dear.  Everything is all right, you'll see."

I just couldn't relax, but I forced myself to smile.

"That's better; now please close your eyes dear."

Suddenly my smile vanished and my eyes were wide open, with fear.

"Now Matilda, would I let anything bad happen to you?"

"No Mom, you love me too much to let anything bad happen to me.  Something scary enough that I may have to go and change my panties, YES.  But not something bad,” I said with a giggle.

"All right then, put a smile on your face and close your eyes, because we've got to get going."

I summoned up all the courage I could muster and did as Mom asked.  She led me out of her bedroom and we turned left, so I knew we were going into the living room.  I felt the floor change from the hardwood floor of the hall to carpet, so I knew when we entered the living room.

"Oh Matilda you look fabulous!"

I'd recognize that voice anywhere.  I started to open my mouth to say hello to Mary Beth when I heard another voice I recognized.

"Yea, for a little squirt you do look pretty good."

My eyes snapped open, and I rushed over and threw my arms around my sister Karen.

"Oh Karen, thank you, thank you," I said.

"Hey relax squirt.  Just because I said you look pretty good doesn't mean you need to get all mushy," Karen said, trying to pry my arms loose from around her waist.

"But that means you're okay with this.  I mean you're okay with me?" I said excitedly.

"Well it did take a lot of talking by Mom, Rachael and your friend Mary Beth.  Who, by the way would appreciate your hugs a lot more than I do," Karen said, as she finally pried me loose from her waist.  "And after listening to everything they said, it does make a lot of sense.  All the goofy things you do, the friends you have and the strange way that you talk.  I guess you probably should be a girl.  I hate to say this, but after listening to what everyone said and seeing you like this . . . Shoot squirt, you make a better girl than I do, or probably ever will."

"Thanks Karen.  Coming from you that means a lot.  That's probably the closest you've ever come to giving me a complement.  You're not upset are you, because I'm wearing makeup and you're not allowed to yet?"

"MAKEUP?  Why on earth would I want to wear makeup?  Now if you were a bit bigger I'd probably ask for your clothes.  Being that yours are way too small for me, I guess I'll have to settle for Chuck's hand - me - downs."

"That's okay Karen.  I still think it's a complement.  Who knows in a few years you may change your mind, and I'll be able to give you tips on how to be a ‘Proper Young Lady’," I said, with a smile and a giggle while quoting Mrs. Adams.

"Yea okay, whatever squirt.  Just do me a favor and wait for me to ask you okay?  Just don't hold your breath, and go easy on the hugging squirt," Karen said.

"Okay Karen it's a deal," I said.

Karen shook her head and went back into the family room to watch TV, probably wrestling or Monster Trucks.  Maybe they do make mistakes in heaven, sending down girl spirits into boy bodies and vise-versa.  Maybe Karen and I are in the wrong bodies.  Oh well, too many questions for this little blond head.

Suddenly I felt someone's arms around me, squeezing me so tight that my private world of thoughts burst, I suddenly found myself thrust back into reality.  I do mean squeezing!

"Oh Matilda you really are as pretty as Rachael said you are.  We’re just going to have so much more fun together," Mary Beth squealed, as she was squeezing the stuffing out of me.

"Mary Beth, please take it easy.  If you don't stop squeezing me so tight, the only fun you’re going to have is watching my eyes pop out," I managed to say, which was good considering I couldn't breathe.

Mary Beth loosened her grip, but did not let go. "Oh I'm sorry Matilda, I'm just so excited.  You've been my bestest friend for so many years.  I always knew there was something special about you, and now that I see you like this, I can't help but be excited."

"Mary Beth, I'm sure that you and Matilda have lots to talk about and lots of plans to make," Mom interrupted.  "But right now Matilda and I have to get going, she’s already going to be late so we do have to be running along."

"Oh my goodness with all this excitement I almost forgot," I said.  "Excuse me Mary Beth; I need to go get my training utensils.  They need to go back today."

I dashed into the kitchen and got the utensils out of the dishwasher.  From there I could see Karen in the family room, just as I suspected, Monster Trucks.  I went in and gave her another small hug.

"What's that for," she said, trying to brush me away.

"That's just to say I love you and thanks for accepting me."

"Hey no problem squirt.  If you want to be my sister instead of my brother, that's just fine.  I think you'll make a better sister anyway.  Just stop with all this mushy stuff, okay?"

"Okay Karen I'll take it easy on the hugging.  But I do need to ask you a favor."

"What's that squirt?  Hmm, I guess squirt isn't going to work anymore is it; well I’ll work on that later.  Anyway what's the favor?"

"I need you to keep this a secret, about me being Matilda I mean.  Dad doesn't know, Mom thinks it's going to take several months of gentle persuasive talking to get him ready to accept me."

"Sorry squirt, but knowing Dad, it'll probably take something with a little more kick than talking.  Mom should get herself a 50 caliber machinegun," Karen said with a laugh.  "But your secret is safe with me."

"Thanks Karen, you're the greatest.  You know, you probably would make a good brother."

"Wow! A sister and a complement in the same day.  What's the world coming to?"  By the smile on Karen's face, I knew that she’s just being sarcastic.  Her smile faded fast when I tried to give her another hug.  "Get out of here squirt, you crazy little . . . Whatever you are.  Go on now, scoot."

I giggled and went back into the living room.  I gave Rachael and Mary Beth hugs, and then Mom and I left for the Manor.

Beca met us as we got out of our car.

"You're late.  Is everything okay?" Beca asked.

"Oh yes, everything's just terrific," I told Beca, as we scurried off to my room.  We were moving so fast I couldn't talk, but as soon as we got to my room, I opened up.  I told her about my weekend, about my long talk with Mary Beth while I cried on her shoulder.  I told Beca how everything I'd been keeping inside of me all boiled out while Mary Bath was holding me.  Then I told Beca about this morning and how we had to introduce Karen to Matilda.  How surprised I was at how well she responded to the news.  I’d been so preoccupied talking to Beca that I didn't notice that I'd completely changed my clothes in front of her.  It wasn’t until I sat on the edge of the bed to put on my shoes and socks that I realized what I'd done.

"Did I just do what I think I did?" I asked Beca.

"You sure did, you stripped down, tucked and got dressed without even thinking about it," Beca chuckled.

"Oh well, so much for being shy around you," I said, as I finished putting on my shoes and socks.

"Hey sis I told you, you didn’t need to be shy around me.  After all we do have the same equipment," Beca said.  "But only for a few more years."

"What do mean 'only for a few more years'?" I asked curiously.

"Well I can't have my SRS until I'm eighteen."

"What's SRS?"

"You've never heard of Sexual Reassignment?'

"No!"

"Oh my,” Beca said.  “I tell you what Matilda, I’m not sure that I’m the right person to give you that kind of information.  I tell you what, tuck that away into the back of your mind, and we'll discuss it later, okay?"

"Well okay, but I won't forget.  I guess we should get to class," I said as I finished with my shoes.

After we arrived at my voice lesson Beca excused herself.  She said she had an urgent matter to take care of.  She said she'd be back before my voice lesson ended, but if she’s late, I should wait for her.

‘I wonder what could have come up so suddenly.  Could it have anything to do with what I told her about my weekend?  Oh well I guess if there’s anything that I need to know Beca will tell me.’

My lesson with Miss Baker went very well.  She helped me so much with the vocal qualities of my speech.  She told me that I've progressed so quickly that by the end of the week only an experience linguist would be able to tell that I wasn't born and raised as a girl.  True to her word, Beca returned just as my time with Miss Baker ended.  I'd expected to go to lunch, instead Beca directed me to the administration building.

"What's going on Beca?  I thought we'd be going to lunch after my voice lesson."

"Something important has come up; Ellen wants to see you right away."

"So what's it all about?"

"Ellen will tell you."

‘Good grief, my third day here and I'm in trouble already.  At least this time I know it's not for having fun on the school's computer system or breaking through the firewall again.  I haven't been in a regular class so it's not for shouting out the answers so fast that no one else has a chance.  That only leaves one possibility, my talk with Mary Beth.  Oh well, whatever is going to happen, will happen.’

Soon we were at Ellen's office and Beca knocked.  "Just a moment," Ellen called out.

We waited for about five minutes before Ellen opened the door, asking us to come in and take a seat, directing us to the chairs in front of her desk.  Ellen naturally sat in the leather chair behind her desk.

"Matilda," Ellen started, "Beca tells me you had an interesting weekend.  Would you tell me about it please?"

"Well, I guess you're referring to Saturday morning in Liberty Park, with Mary Beth and Rachael?" I asked softly.

"Yes that and also this morning before coming here."

"Well, this morning Karen didn't go off to see her friends as usual.  We ended up having to introduce her to the real me.  Oh, she reacted so well.  All of these years she's been acting like the tough tomboy, but she’s actually very kind and understanding.  Just don't tell her I said that, she'll flatten me," I said with a giggle.  "Mary Beth was there as well, she was so excited to see me.  I think that she squeezed so hard I may have cracked a rib or two.  Anyway, everything this morning went really well.  Karen knows that Mom and I are gone during the day, but she has no idea where we go or what were doing."

"That's what I understand from what your Mother said," Ellen replied.  "So tell me about Saturday."

"Well, on Saturday, Rachael and I met Mary Beth at the park.  There is this particular area of the park where almost nobody goes.  We’ve never seen the grass matted down; there are no trees or shade, so most people avoid it.  So that's were we meet so we can talk without anyone else around.  We met up about 10:00 in the morning.  Rachael was laughing her head off as she told Mary Beth about the small utensils I’d been using.  Mary Beth wanted to know why I was using them.  I told her it’s just something I needed to do and it was really no big deal.  I guess I was a little sad and my head was hanging down a bit.  Then Mary Beth took me in her arms, she lifted my chin so she could look into my eyes.  All of a sudden, I started crying and couldn’t stop.  I've always felt so safe and protected, whenever Mary Beth wrapped her arms around me.  It’s not like when Mom hugs me.  I really can’t explain it.  I just feel something different when Mary Beth’s arms are around me.  Anyway, I guess all the stress of the week before, and all my emotions caught up with me, along with my dear friend holding me so close.  I just couldn't stop crying, I remember most of what I told her, but I don't know if I remember everything.  Maybe if Rachael were here she could fill in the missing pieces."

"Your mother and the school's administrator are on there way to talk with Rachael, and if possible Mary Beth as well," Ellen said.

"This is that serious?  You're bringing Rachael and Mary Beth here?"

"No, they won’t be brought here.  There just going to talk with them privately, probably at your home.  Rachael has only been here once and probably doesn't remember the way.  Mary Beth has never been here and they wouldn't bring her here unless it’s deemed necessary, and yes Matilda, any breach of security is deemed extremely serious.  Remember what I told you last Wednesday about the very existence of this school being a closely guarded secret.  No one is to be told about this school."

"I don't think I told Mary Beth it’s a school.  I don’t think I use the schools name, and I know I didn't describe how to get here.  I’m pretty sure I only told her the names of some of the teachers and what I had to do."

"Well, if that's the case, there won't be a problem.  As long as Mary Beth doesn't know the name or location of the school, all they’ll do is talk to them and everything will be fine," Ellen said.  "Thank you for being honest with me Matilda.  That’s something we expect of everyone that comes here.  Girls, it's going to be at least an hour before we hear anything.  You might as well go and get your lunch now.  Beca, after you’ve had your lunch please take Matilda back to her room.  Matilda, I’d like you to go ahead and change into your clothes.  Then I'd like both of you come back here.  I have a test I want you to take Matilda, which will take about two hours.  We should also have some news about Rachael and Mary Beth by then."

"All right Ellen.  We'll see you in about an hour," Beca said.

Beca and I got up to leave.  As we got to her office door I stopped, turned and went back to stand in front of Ellen.

"Ellen, I'm really very sorry.  I didn't mean to cause any trouble," I said humbly.

"Oh, I know you didn't dear.  It'll be all right, Matilda, and everything will work out.  Now go and get your lunch dear," Ellen said with a smile.

As I got back to the door where Beca waited for me, she put her arms around me and gave me a hug.  I really needed that right then.  She kept one arm around me as we went back to the cafeteria.

There wasn't anyone in the cafeteria when we got there.  We went into the kitchen looking for one of the staff, but we didn't see anyone at all.  What we found were a couple of plates with sub sandwich's, chips and bananas, covered with plastic wrap and a note -

Mr. Roberts

Beca and Matilda were with me during lunch.  Would you please leave out something for them on the lighter side please?  I'm sure neither one will feel like eating much, but they will need something.

Thank You.

Ellen H.

"Ellen thinks of everything doesn't she," I said soberly.  Beca just nodded, as we picked up our plates and went to a table to sit down.

"I'm sorry about all of that Matilda, but after you told me about your weekend, telling me you'd told Mary Beth everything; I had to tell Ellen.  We all like this school, nobody wants to move again."

"What do you mean, move again?" I asked.

"Well, Ellen didn't say anything, but according to what I've heard from the older students, the biggest reason the school had to be moved from the Ohio facility was do to a major breach in security."

"Beca, I've wanted to ask a question, but don't really know who would be the right person to ask."

"What question would that be?"

"Well, I'm not sure you're the right person to ask either but . . . What kind of school is this really?"

"Matilda, what do you mean?"

"Before I answer that question let me tell you a little more about me.  My teachers at Whittier Elementary have told my parents several times that I'm the most intelligent student they've seen in many years.  They say I should be advanced a year, maybe two, so I will find school challenging and interesting, instead of too easy and boring.  Either that or I should be in a private school.  Mom won't let them advance me because of my size.  She thinks the problems I have at school, you know, always tormented and picked on by the bullies, would only get worse.  Dad says that if his taxes pay for public education then that's good enough.  Even though Dad won't send me to a private school, I've checked out several via the internet on the school's computer.  I can't have one at home anymore.  Of course, I did get into trouble for breaking through the schools firewall."

“You did what to the school’s computers?” Beca asked.

“I found a hole in the software firewall and snuck outside the school system to do a search on private schools within a two hundred mile radius.  I studied all the different schools; I remember most of their names.  You know I don’t remember this one showing up in any of the searches.  Anyway, back to my question.  I'm talking about the security around here.  Of all the schools, I checked out, none of them have this kind of security.  I mean, the security around here is what I'd expect to see around a top secret military installation or at least something along that line."

‘Well, now I’ve done it.  I just jumped in with both feet.  I just hope it's not too deep, and I hope its water and not quicksand.'

"Matilda, there are times when it's best to not ask too many questions."

I started to ask another question when Beca beeped.  She hung and shook her head, then she slowly reached into the pocket in her skirt and pulled out a pocket computer.  It looked a lot like the one I'd seen Ellen use last week.

"Well that's the end of lunch; Ellen wants us back in her office right away.  She says that it doesn't matter how you're dressed, as long as you’re dressed," Beca said as she read message on the screen.

"Beca how long have you had that pocket computer?"

"My PDA, I received it my second day here.  Everyone here has one; they’re linked to the schools systems.  However, you didn't see it; you don't know about them and will never discuss them with anyone.  Is that understood?"

"Yes Beca, I think I’m starting to understand," I said.

‘I now knew almost more than I wanted, not an answer to the question I'd asked.  Then again, maybe the lack of an answer was actually more of an answer.’

We quickly and quietly returned to Ellen's office.  The door stood open, but we knocked anyway.

"Come in girls," Ellen said cheerfully.  "Good news, Rachael and Mary Beth's stories match up with yours Matilda.  So although there was a breach of security on your part, it was very minor and there's no problem.  You understand Matilda that things could have been much worse."

"Yes Ellen, I understand that now.  Beca explained lot’s of things during lunch.  I'm very sorry for any trouble I've caused."

"That's all right Matilda,” Ellen said while casting a questioning look at Beca.  “What I’d like you to do now though is take a test.  The school's administrator has approved my giving you the full test instead of just the preliminary version that we’d planned.  I'm also to arrange for Mary Beth to take it; I'll have to arrange some time and space at Whittier Elementary this week so we’re not interfering with their schedules once they start classes.  This is something we usually give to a large group of children at the same time, several thousand in fact, all across the country.  Of all those we give the test to, we usually offer twelve to sixteen students a place at this school.  Even though you've only been here a few days, from the reports I've been getting from the staff and the students that have met you, and the research I've done, I think the test isn't really necessary, but a formality.  Because I want you to take the full test, it will take about four hours, instead of the two hours I’d mentioned earlier, although no one has ever finished it.  Because it'll be after 5:00 before you leave I've asked your Mother to bring some of your boy clothes for you to change into to go home in."

"Four hours, what kind of test is it?"

"We don't normally tell people about the test, but from what I've learned about you it won't matter if you know before or not, you'd figure it out as you go.  It helps us collect information about you and your personality, your likes, your dislikes.  Whom you consider close friends, and how they feel about you.  In addition, how you would react to different situations.  Well, that's enough talking about it; let’s get you started on it.  Would you please come with me Matilda?  Beca would you please go to Matilda's room and collect her clothes and take them to Edith's office, she'll be changing in there."

Ellen led me to the conference room where I'd met Miss Adams.  On the table, I saw a stack of papers and several pencils.

"Matilda, start with the top page.  When you’re finished with that one, turn it face down and go on to the next page.  Work quickly and do as much as you can.  I'll come back in four hours, okay dear?"

"Okay Ellen," I said as I sat down and picked up the first page.

‘Well this has been a long three hours and forty-five minutes, and one of the most unusual tests I've ever seen.  Most tests like this usually ask the same question in two or three different ways, not so with this one.  In almost four hours, I’ve only seen four questions that were asking for the same information in different ways, and those seemed to be asking about friendship, honestly and loyalty.  Yeah, extremely odd things to have on a school test.  There's still a lot more to this school than anyone is telling me, or mom.  I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to figure it out, but I will eventually, I always do.  Nobody can keep a mystery from me for long.  I wonder if there are cameras in this conference room, and do they know I finished this test about fifteen minutes ago?  What was it Ellen said?  Nobody has ever finished this test?’

Just then, the door to the conference room opened, interrupting my train of thought, and in walked Mom and Ellen.

"Well Matilda, how are you doing?" Ellen asked.

"I’m finished," I said softly, but with confidence.

"What, you’ve finished?" Ellen was shocked.

"Well actually I finished about fifteen minutes ago," I said.

"Nobody's ever finished this test!  Not in this country at least," Ellen said as she started flipping through test sheets, looking at a couple of my responses on each page.  "This is going to take some time to review and evaluate.  I’ll need to consult with the rest of the psychiatrists.  Good heavens, I need to call Katharine at Hayfield.  I wonder if they've ever seen anything like this before.  If I hurry, I can catch her before she goes to bed."

"Ellen, is everything all right?" Mom asked.

"What?" Ellen asked.  "Oh yes, fine umm fine.  Oh Edith, take Matilda to your office, she can change there.  I'll have someone come to escort you out to your car.  Oh, Matilda you're not to see Mary Beth until she's taken the test.  I'll tell you when it's okay."

Ellen seemed to be very distracted, shaking her head and mumbling as she left the conference room.

"Matilda, what did you do?" Mom asked.  "I've never seen Ellen so, so . . . I'm not even sure what word describes it."

"Well, I guess I did something that's never been done before.  Ellen said that nobody’s ever finished those tests," I said.

"And you did?"

"Uh Ha"

"Oh my … Well, I told Ellen you were smart, also what your teacher said last year.  We'll just have to deal with it tomorrow.  Right now, Dear, we need to get you changed and get home."

"Okay Mom."

After we got home, Mom called the Phelps's home and talked with Mary Beth.  She explained that she wouldn't be able to see Matt for a few days.  She also told her, that someone from Whittier Elementary would be calling to talk with her Mother, about taking a special test before school has even started for the year.  She should tell them yes, she'd be happy to, and go take the test.  I guess Mary Beth asked why or what’s it’s all about.  All I know is that Mom said, “Trust me Mary Beth, this is important.”  “Yes Mary Beth, it does have to do with your friend Matilda.”  I guess Mary Beth understood because Mom said “Good bye Mary Beth” and then she hung up.

So ends Monday.  To say that today had been exciting wouldn't be exactly accurate.  The day was definitely been enlightening.  I was beginning to wonder if I would ever experience a day that was just . . . normal.

**** To be continued ****

I would like to thank my dear friends,

 Angel O’Hare, Karen Page, Joni W. and Holly H Hart.

for their kindness, help, support and input.

 Raised in SLC

Chapter 7

By Penny Reed Cardon

Tuesday was as close to being normal a day as I’ve seen for … Gee wiz, had it really only one week, it sure seems like it had been a lot longer.  My morning voice lesson with Miss Baker went very well, after that Beca and I went to lunch.  This is the first time that Beca let me select my own lunch since becoming my big sister.  Both the main choices were tempting.  I’ve always liked to try new things, so I selected the New Orleans style seafood gumbo.  It came with fresh bread sticks and a small salad.  After getting my lunch, I’d started walking towards the small dining room that Beca and I had been using.  “Hey Matilda, just where do you think you’re going?” Beca asked.

“I'm just going to our little dining room,” I said.

“No, no,” Beca said.  “We only use that dining room when someone is in training; you know trying to become passable.  Most people feel embarrassed by using those small utensils.  We don't want to embarrass anyone; we're here to help and teach.  You've completed that training, so we’ll eat at my usual table from now on.”

“Hello girls,” I said as we arrived at the table.  I let Beca set down her tray first so I’d know where I should sit.

“Matilda, you’re Beca’s special project?” Angel asked.

“What do you mean by 'special project'?” I asked.

“Well, Beca wasn't here for lunch on Thursday, Friday, or yesterday.  When we asked her why, all she’d tell us is that she was working on a special project,” answered Kate

I looked at Beca.  “So now I’m a special project?” I asked.

“Well, yes,” Beca answered.  “I mean, you aren’t actually a student here.  After all, I’m the one who went to Ellen and asked to be your big sister.  It’s not like there is extra credit for helping or anything like that.  It’s just my way of saying, I think you're special and I wanted to help you if I could.  The only thing I'm getting out of this is one - another friend, and two - the enjoyment of helping someone become what they want to be.”

“Thanks Beca, I’ve come to realize just how special you are as well,” I said while leaning in her direction.

“Easy there Matilda, I know how fond you are of hugging, but this is neither the time nor the place,” Beca said. 

“What, you girls don’t hug?” I asked.

“Oh sure we do,” Beca said.   “We just don’t get as carried away with it as someone who’s only six days old.”

“Beca, what do you mean only six days old?” asked Kimberly.

“Well, to be honest with all of you,” I said with a shy smile.  “This is only the sixth day that I’ve been dressed and out of the house as Matilda.”

 “You mean that last Wednesday was . . .” Kate started, the look on her face told the rest of what she was going to say, she was stunned.

“Was only my second day out,” I said with a smile.  “We refer to last Tuesday as ‘Matilda’s Birthday’.  That was the first time I was ever fully dressed as a girl.”

“But I thought that it was Rachael that was transgendered?” Frank said.

“Sorry about that Frank,” I said with a little more confidence.  “After everyone told us about this school, Rachael and I switch rolls, well sort of.  She tried to act like a scared little boy and I tried to be more confident in myself.  According to Ellen, we fooled two of you.  I guess you were one of them, Frank.  I want to thank you, all of you.  I was more than just a little scared when Ellen separated Rachael and me from our Mom, but all of you were so kind.  You all made us both feel right at home, just like one of the girls.  I hadn't felt that good since I was in Kindergarten with my friends.”

“So let me get this straight, you’ve only been dressing full time since last Tuesday?” asked Kate.