To the person who finds this letter:

I’m writing this so you all know why I did it, because by the time anyone finds me, I’ll be long gone from this mortal plane. I never asked for this to happen, but since it is, and I have no way to stop it, and live, I chose not to live. You see, I was born a normal healthy boy. My life has been filled with joy and disappointment, but who’s hasn’t? My father died at a young age and never got to see me born. He and mom were highschool sweethearts and I was born 9 months to the day of their graduation. Mom’s done a great job of raising me by herself. I hear stories of kids all the time from a single parent household, where they go without fun, or in some sadder cases food and proper shelter. But that hasn’t been the case for me. Nor has it been the case where a mom has a revolving door of boyfriends that treat her kid badly. I guess I’ve been lucky in that sense. Life was great up until my freshman year at college.

School started off well. My girlfriend, Kelly, who I’d been dating since our sophomore year of highschool, and I both got accepted into the same college. We got into the same dorm, so we both figured that it would be cool and be able to spend a lot of quality time together. And we did for the first part of the semester. But then there was an accident in my advanced chem. lab, and the explosion, as best the doctors can surmise, changed my DNA somehow.

I first noticed it at Rugby practice when I got out of the hospital. I had expected to have some rust on my skills from being laid up in a hospital bed for a week and then not able to work out for another, but I was shocked when I was winded after only one lap of the field for a warm up. After stretching, I was flat tired, and thought my electrolytes were low, so I started pounding some of the sports drink coach brought. We went thru some drills and I found myself on my back on just about every play. This has never happened to me before. You see, I was always one of the bigger guys on the team. At 6'2" and close to 250 pounds of muscle, I was usually the one putting guys on their backs. After practice coach suggested I go see the trainer to see if anything was wrong with me. She put me thru the normal routine of "does this hurt?" and "Have you been sleeping and eating alright?" Then she had me piss in a cup. She ran some tests on it and had me come into her office so she could talk to me. She said everything came back normal except that some of my "Y" chromosomes had an extra leg on them. I’d taken plenty of biology and knew what she was talking about, but I still wasn’t sure if I truly understood her.

"I don’t think I follow you Ms. Triglia." I said to her trying to think about what she had just told me.

"Well Rob" she said as she paused to take a sip from her coffee. "A normal male has 43 XY chromosomes. And the sample of your DNA I just ran from your urine came back with only 40 XY and there were 3 XX. What were you mixing in the lab just before you had the accident?" she asked me as she took her glasses off.

"Just some basic compounds really. A couple amino acids. Why?" I asked not really sure if I liked where this was going.

"As near as I can tell, what ever you did has changed your DNA." she said as all the color drained out of my face. "But I want you to head over to the Medical building and we’ll go see Doctor Smith. Maybe he can get this sorted out."

I followed her over to the med. building, and Doctor Smith put me thru a series of tests. Nothing major, but he compared the DNA sample he took from me against the one they mandated all athletes give before being allowed to play collegiate sports. Some rule about if there’s an accident and the team perishes they have something to go by to find out who you are. He came back and informed me that while I was still me, there was a difference in my readout. He then told me that, he didn’t know how I was doing it, or why my body was doing it, but I was changing into a woman. And by his best guess I’d be a full woman by the time I graduated.

I just sat there with a blank look on my face. I didn’t know if I was dreaming or if I had really died in the lab or this was a bad coma. I just wanted to get out of there, and I just started to run. I burst out of his office and just ran as fast as I could back to my dorm. I was shaking like a leaf when I got to my door, and must have alerted my roommate by not being able to get my key in the lock. He opened the door with the phone to his ear telling someone that I’d just arrived. He told them that he’d make sure I was alright and then thanked them for calling. You see, my roommate, was my best friend Matt. We’d known each other since pre-school and have been friends all that time. He helped me in as I collapsed into his arms and got me onto our couch.

"That was Ms. Treglia." he told me as he poured me a glass of Gatoraid. "She says your not well from that accident in the lab. What’s going on Rob?" he asked me with noted concern in his voice.

"I... don’t... want... to... talk... about... it..." I told him as I panted to catch my breath, and started to sip my drink.

"Ok, then what happened at practice today? I’ve never been able to knock you down before"

I just sat there and shook my head, signaling him that I didn’t want to talk about that either. I just crawled into bed and curled up in the blanket in the fetal position trying to figure out what was going on. I hoped that this was all a dream and I’d wake up in the hospital from a coma and non of this was really happening, as I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning and felt stiff. Not stiff like I had over done it working out the day before, but I felt like my grandmother said she feels when her arthritis acts up. As I slowly forced my way out of bed, I stood up and you could hear every joint in my body creak and pop as I moved. I guess this must have woke Matt up, because he got out of bed and just nodded to me. As he was getting dressed he was giving me funny looks and finally broke the silence.

"Hey Rob?" he started as if he didn’t really want to ask, but his curiosity was too great. "When you passed out last night, what did you mean when you were babbling about not wanting to be a girl?"

"What?" I asked as I forced myself to get dressed, fighting the pain of my body not wanting to cooperate.

"Last night, all you kept saying was ‘I don’t want to be a girl, make it stop.’ Over and over again." he said again with a concerned look on his face.

"Uh, bad dream I guess." I said trying not to blush and have to tell him the real truth.

Matt has always been able to read me like a book, and either I was getting better with my poker face, or he was going to be a good friend and not pry. Either way I felt sick, knowing I’d just lied to my best friend. But then I started to wonder how long I could keep things hidden from him. Only time would tell.

The rest of that semester went alright. I mean, I had to quit rugby, but I wasn’t on scholarship, so I didn’t really lose much. I mean besides not hanging out with the guys, and going to the parties they threw at the house some of them shared. On the bright side, my grades were amazing. Having all that extra time meant more time to study, so I actually got ahead in a couple classes. Kelly and I spent more time together, since I didn’t have to go to practice or out of town for games. So that’s another plus to not playing, right? I did have to see Doctor Smith on a regular basis, and he told me that my mutation was progressing at a steady rate. By the time I’d finished finals my XY’s were down to 35, and my XX’s were up to 8. He wasn’t sure but he did warn me that at any time I could start to notice some female physical characteristics starting to show. I tried to push it out of my mind and pointed my ‘69 Plymouth Barracuda home for Christmas break.

Kelly and Matt rode home with me and though I’d told Kelly why I was feeling run down more and more lately, I made her swear not to tell Matt. I had known Matt along time and I didn’t think he’d take the news too well about me. She agreed and didn’t say a word. We all went home and my mom greeted me at the door with a big hug and kiss. She hadn’t seen me since I’d left for school, and wanted to make sure I knew she missed me.

After I had a chance to unpack, mom made dinner and we sat at the table and talked about how our lives were going. She let me know that she got the promotion she was trying to get at work, and that we’d be going to grandma’s for Christmas this year. I told her about my grades and that Kelly and I were doing great. Then she dropped the bomb on me.

"So what happened with the rugby team? I got a call from a Ms. Triglia that you had to leave the team. What did you do?" she asked me in her stern tone, thinking I had broken a team rule or something.

"It’s not what you think mom." I told her "I’ve been having medical problems."

"I’ve been told. She told me to contact a Doctor Smith about what was happening." she told me as the color drained out of my face.

"What did he tell you?" I asked, trying not to stutter.

"He told me that he couldn’t tell me anything since you’re 18. Some bullshit about patient doctor privilege." she told me looking over the rim of her glasses. This always meant she was serious and didn’t want any cock and bull. "So what the hell is going on?"

"Um, well you see mom, it’s like this..." I told her the whole story about the lab explosion and how the test showed that little by little my DNA was changing into that of a woman.

She just looked at me blankly for a while. I think she was trying to wrap her brain around what I’d just told her. She just looked at me with a concerned look on her face that I’d seen many times before, like when I broke my arm. She sat there with her hand holding her chin and she looked at me. I could tell she wanted to cry, or hug me, or just do something to make me feel better, but she held it together like she’s done all my life. Finally she stood up and went to the liquor cabinet and poured a glass of scotch.

"You want one?" she asked me as she reached for another glass.

"Um, sure mom." I said, knowing that I needed something to calm the butterflies in my stomach.

"So how long do you have?" she asked me as she handed me my two fingers.

"Um, as near as Doctor Smith can figure, my chromosomes should be all changed by the time I’m out next spring." I told her then paused to sip my drink.

"So this Christmas will be the last normal one we have for a while I take it?" she asked. "Then next year you’ll be in mid change, and then the one after that I should plan on buying you women’s clothing." she said then paused to sip her own drink.

"Uh, I guess." I said feeling a bit uncomfortable. I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. I was just trying to get thru day to day, and didn’t really want to think about it right now either. "Can we talk about something else?" I asked out of despiration.

"Ok, how about how your clothes hang off you now. Have you lost weight?" she asked me, then took another sip of her drink.

"Uh, yeah, Doctor Smith says it’s all because of what’s happening. My body is adjusting to how I’d have looked if I’d been born a woman." I told her again getting flush in the face, not being comfortable talking about this with my mom, or anyone else for that matter.

"How much have you lost?" she asked me bluntly.

"Um, about 40 pounds so far." I said as I took another sip.

"Any idea’s on how much more you’ll lose?" she asked as she just looked at me.

"Well the doc says that since women normally have 30 to 40 % less muscle mass then men do, I could go down to anywhere from 150 to 120 pounds. He says it depends on how much I work out between now and when I finish."

She just nodded at me and set her glass down on the table. She got up and walked over to me, pulling me to my feet, and into the most tender hug I’d ever remembered her giving me. I heard her sobbing into my shoulder as she just hugged me. I didn’t know what to do, so I hugged her back, and it actually felt good to have talked to someone about the future, and what was probably going to happen to me. I mean I’d talked a bit to Kelly, but she didn’t want to think about me becoming a woman. Mom seemed to be accepting of this and wanted to show me that no matter what, I was still her child.

The rest of Christmas break went by pretty uneventful. I did get questioned by my relatives, but they all seemed to buy the story mom and I made up about how I’d gotten injured playing rugby and since I wasn’t playing anymore, I wasn’t working out as regular as I had been. Which in fact couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’d been hitting the gym harder then ever, in a futile attempt to try to not lose my size. But again, the family seemed to buy the cover and everything was good. For her part, mom held up better then I would have thought she would. I mean I know she’s a strong woman, but she didn’t flinch at all when people asked about me. Though inside I knew she was hurting.

I didn’t see Kelly much over break. Choosing instead to spend as much time with my mom as I could. Don’t get me wrong, I went on a couple dates with my girlfriend, but I didn’t spend every waking moment over there even I would have expected me to. She seemed alright with it, and we loaded up my car and her, I and Matt drove back to campus. Lucky for me, that mom bought me some new clothes in progressively smaller sizes since all my old ones made me look like a little kid trying on his dad’s clothes.

The day before classes I went to my appointment with Doctor Smith and we went thru the normal, piss here, and then on the scale. I saw that in the month break from school I’d dropped 10 pounds, and was now standing at 23 XY’s and 20 XX’s. that meant that I was now about half way thru, and though I hadn’t told my mom or Kelly, I’d started to notice a swelling in my chest. Doctor Smith noticed it too. He took measurements, and then broke the news to me that I was now an official "A" cup.

I went shopping that afternoon and tried to push the funny looks I was getting out of my mind as I struggled to find a 37 A cup bra. Not something I ever thought I’d need to do in my lifetime, but here I was in "Super Giant Mart" trying to find a bra that would fit. Thankfully a sales lady came over and helped me out. She explained to me that you have to add 1 inch to the measurement of the chest if it’s an odd number to find the band size. To my luck they did have a 38 A, but she didn’t let me just grab it an go, oh no, she started asking questions.

"So when did you start your transition?" she asked me out of the blue.

"My what?" I asked her, looking back like she was speaking Klingon.

"You’re transition dear. My kid is transsexual too, so I know what’s going on." she said with a wink.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about." I said starting to blush. "This is for my... uh, girlfriend."

"Come with me." she said not buying it and taking me by the hand into the changing room. "Ok, take off the shirt and I’ll measure you right." she told me as she pulled out a seamstress’ tape rule. "Let me guess, you just came back from the doctor’s and he told you that your hormones are starting to kick in, and you should look for a bra."

"Um, something like that." I offered back.

"Don’t worry. Just relax, and put your arms out to your sides." she told me as she wrapped the tape around my chest.

Then again right over my nipples, which made me shudder from the touch. It actually felt kind of nice, but I tried to focus.

"Ok, just as I though, your doctor was mistaken. You’re a 36 B cup, not a 38 A." she offered as she started to walk out of the room. "Wait here, I’ll be right back."

I waited in the little room and she came back with an arm full of different bras. I was shocked that there were so many styles and colors to choose from . She held up one that had a nice lace pattern in the cups.

"Here, try this one on." she said handing it to me.

I did as she asked and undid the clasp in the back, then slit my arms thru the straps. She let out a giggle as she pulled it back off me.

"Here hun, let me show you a trick." she said as she wrapped the band around me and then did the clasp in the front.

She then spun the bra around my body and helped me put my arms back thru the straps. She tugged and made sure I was all in before she spun me around and showed me how I looked in the mirror. All I could do was stare back and gasp. This was the first time it hit me that I was really changing into a woman. I actually filled out the cups of the bra and it looked like it wouldn’t be too much longer before I’d need a bigger bra.

"That looks beautiful." she offered.

I didn’t want to look beautiful. I didn’t want this to be happening, but here I was, shopping for my first bra. The nightmare was still going on. She didn’t give me time to do or say anything as she just pulled the bra off me, and helped me into another, then another, then another. All in all I tried on about a half dozen bras in there, and before I knew it, I was heading to the checkout with one of every color they had. All different styles, but all the same size. I was half way back to my dorm before the shock wore off and I realized that I’d have to explain to my roommate why I was buying all these. More over, what would I tell Kelly? I mean, I wasn’t that far off of HER bra size now and I was only half way thru my change. How would she react to her boyfriend having bigger breast then she did?

To my luck, when I got back to my room, Matt was gone. So I slipped one of the bras on like the lady at the store had shown me, and then put my t-shirt back on. I picked up my cell and went to call Kelly to try to talk to her about all this, but her number went straight to voice mail. I hung up without leaving a message, and headed down into town to get some pizza. As I walked in I saw Kelly and Matt sitting in a corner booth and they were kissing. My roommate was kissing MY girl. I stormed over and cracked him in the jaw with my fist as hard as I’d ever hit anyone. Kelly just looked back at me as Matt passed out cold, face down in his slice of ‘meat lovers.’

"What the fuck Rob?" she asked me obviously pissed off.

"What the fuck ROB?!" I shot back. "What the fuck KELLY? Is more like it!"

"What’s your deal?" she asked me as if nothing was wrong.

"What’s my deal? My girlfriend was kissing my roommate. That’s my deal!" I spat back at her as Matt started to lift his head, I cracked him in the jaw with my fist again, sending him back into dream land.

"Well I was going to tell you tonight, but you weren’t around. Matt and I have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now." she told me as cold as if she was saying the periodic table.

I just shook my head and decked Matt again as he started to come up for air from his little nap again, and stormed off. My first stop was to the Resident Hall Coordinator’s office. I told my RHC that I wanted a room change. She asked me why and I told her that I had just caught my roommate kissing my girlfriend, sorry ex-girlfriend, and didn’t want to be in the same room with him. She just nodded back at me and looked at her room list.

"The only thing I have is a single over in ‘H’ wing." she told me.

"That’s fine, my financial aid will be able to cover the difference."

She had me sign the papers, and gave me my key. I asked her if she or one of the Resident’s Assistants could come with me while I got my things out. I told her about me decking Matt 3 times and didn’t want any more trouble. She grabbed Stacy, my RA and the three of us went to my room to move me out. Matt still wasn’t there and before long, I was done and all my things were in my new room on the other side of the building.

"Can I ask one more thing? Can you both not tell anyone where I’ve moved to? I just don’t want any problems with Matt or Kelly." I asked as I thanked them both for helping me move.

They both agreed and I thought everything was going to be alright. WRONG! After about a month I went to one of my weekly meetings with Doctor Smith, and he informed me that my mutation was starting to happen faster. I explained to him that I thought something was wrong, since I’d grown 3 cup sizes in the past month, and my penis was starting to shrink. He explained to me that in all likeliness, that by the end of the school year, I’d be genetically a woman. I just broke down right there and started to cry. I stormed out of his office and just sulked back to my room. At least I could count on not being ridiculed in a room without a roommate. WRONG!

I got to my door and in big pink letters was the word "FAG" written right there in spray paint. I went to the RHC’s office and showed Helen what was up. She told me to go inside and then came back with campus security a few minutes later. They started to ask me questions on if I had an idea who did it, and why someone would want to do it.

"I have no proof but if I had to guess, it’s either my old roommate, or my ex-girlfriend." I told the officer. "They’ve been seeing each other since before we came back from semester break and neither bothered to tell me until we got back to campus."

He took down the information, and told me he’d be in touch to keep me posted as to what he found. After he took some photo’s of the door, Helen gave me some paint, and she and I covered the door in a fresh coat of white. I thanked her and she was on her way.

I heard from campus safety a couple days later that both Matt and Kelly had alibi’s for what happened to my door. They’d keep my information on file and if something happened again to let them know. I thought everything had calmed down and I started to get back to a normal flow of classes, trying to put the constant pain I was feeling as my body changed out of my mind. I even got a call from one of the guys on the rugby team that there was a party since it was just before spring break and the guys wanted to see me again. I was so happy that someone still cared about me at that point that I didn’t even think about how I’d handle it if some drunk fuck tried to do something with my new d cups. I just changed my clothes and went. That was mistake number 1.

Mistake number 2 was drinking when I got there. I didn’t realize that my tolerance had dropped so much, that before I knew it, I was drunk. Not buzzed, not tipsy. I was flat out HAMMERED! The worst part was that my so called friends only asked me there so they could see my tits. I just left and headed back to the dorm.

Perhaps it was a mistake not to let one of them walk me back. Thinking back I guess that was mistake number 3. You see, I’d let my hair grow out, and now wore it in a ponytail, that reached down to my shoulder blades. And since I was now sporting d cups and my ass had also filled out some, I can see why someone would think I was just another drunk girl coming home from a party alone. Wanna guess what happened next? That’s right, I got jumped.

Someone threw me to the ground and I remember getting punched in the mouth a couple of times. This made it so it would hurt too much to open my mouth to scream. He then ripped my shirt, and started to moan to himself as he fondled my breasts. He then yanked off my pants and got pissed when he saw my cock, or at least what was left of it hanging there between my legs. The last thing I remember was his fist coming at my face.

I woke up in the hospital and could barely see. A nurse came in and told me that I’d been raped. She got a doctor, and they told me that it’s been happening on all the campuses in the area. And that I was the third trans-gender victim they’ve had in the past month. The normal girls just get raped. If the attacker finds a penis, he beats the victim unconscious, and then rapes their ass. (My words, not his)

I asked the nurse for a mirror, and she reluctantly gave me one. My face looked like hamburger. I mean I didn’t even look like me. I looked more like someone who had gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson as a warm up for going 10 with Buster Douglass, and lost horribly. I started to cry as the cops showed up to get my statement. I told them everything I’d remembered, but it was dark and I never got a good look at his face.

I got released from the hospital the next day with instructions to my RHC, who came to pick me up, that I was to get plenty of rest. Helen took me back to the dorm and helped me get back to my room, and I thanked her for helping me. She gave me her apartment phone number that is normally reserved for staff only, and told me that if I needed anything, even if it was just to talk, to call. I thanked her again and she left. I tried to get some sleep and woke up to the sound of something hitting my door. I opened it to find that someone had filled condoms with whip cream, and thrown them at my door. Since it was 3am, I didn’t call Helen, thinking she was asleep. I just closed and locked my door again and went back to bed. I woke up the next day and found that I’d slept thru my morning classes. My next class wasn’t until 3pm, so I went to the dining hall and grabbed some lunch. Since I had no real friends, I just found a table in a corner and quietly ate my lunch, or at least what I could of it since my jaw was still sore.

That’s when the final straw came. Another cream filled condom hit the center of my table and the entire room filled with laughter and people pointing at me. I just got up and came back here.

I’m mainly writing this so my mom knows what happened. You can tell her why I did this. What is this you might ask. Good question. I’m going to take my car to the drag strip. I know they don’t start locking the gate until the season starts, so I’ll have no problem getting in. Then I’m going to start at the shutdown area, and drive as fast as my car will go to the staging lanes. I figure by the time I get to the wall there, I’ll be going around 170, or so. With no seatbelt, I should just fly thru the windshield and finish the job the rapist started. This way my mom won’t have to worry about me any more, and no one will have to look at me with pity in their eyes.

To Helen;

Thank you I know you’ve tried to be there for me, but you have your own work to do. I can’t expect you to be here every waking hour to look after me and make sure no one fucks with me. I know you’ve tried to be a friend, but I’ve seen the look of pity in your eyes when you talk to me. I don’t know what you think of me. But I can see the look that someone gives a lost child, on your face every time I’m near. Thank you for trying to help, but this is the only way.

To my mom;

I’m sorry I fucked things up. I just wish there was an easier way to deal with this. I know you’ve always wanted a little girl, but that’s just not me. No matter what I look like on the out side, please remember I’ll always be your little boy.

Robert Hanczyk

to be continued....

I promise

I guess you’re all wondering why I’m still here. What did the pussy chicken out? No, I never even got a chance to make a run at the wall. I drove to the strip, and made my way to the end of the track near the sand pits* like I’d planned. The one thing I hadn’t planned on was running over a screw while driving thru the pits.

I went to do a burn out to get some heat in the tires so I could really get some traction when I made my pass at the wall, when I heard a thumping sound. I shut the engine off and got out to find out what was up, when I saw that I had a flat tire. All I could do was sit there and cry. I climbed up on my hood, putting my feet up on the super stock hood scoop there, and just sat back looking at the sky. My mind drifted to my mom.

I thought of how she looked at me the last time I was home. It was as if I were a dying child and she was losing me. The pity in her eyes showed even though she never said a word. I could just tell that she wanted to just hold me a cry, but she always showed that tough exterior I’ve grown up with and just tried to act like nothing was wrong. But I know mom, she was being eaten up inside with grief. A kid knows how to read their mom.

Then there was Helen. I know she wants to be there for me, but she’s the head of my dorm. I know they told us that the RHC’s are there for the students when we are having rough times, but it’s as if I have a second mom. She had a similar look in her eyes that mom did, but there was something more there. It’s almost as if she knows what I’m going through. I don’t know what to think anymore. I just want this all to be over.

I started to wonder why god had done this to me. I mean isn’t it enough that he took my father from me before I was even born? Now I was a target for ridicule and made fun of for being a freak where ever I went.

"Why can’t you let me die!?" I screamed at the sky, with tears rolling down my face. Then I heard a female voice calling out.

"Over here. I see him!"

I looked and saw Helen and Stacy running toward me in a dead sprint. They both got to me and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug sandwich that almost squeezed all the air out of my body.

"Thank god we got to you in time Rob." Helen said as she hugged me tight. "I found your note, and got here as fast as I could. Thank god you didn’t go thru with it."

"I got a flat tire." I told her sheepishly, pointing to the flat slick at the back of my car.

"It’s a sign from the gods." Stacy piped in. "It mean’s it’s not your time."

"Yea..." I said sarcastically back to her and faked a smile. "Lucky me."

"Don’t talk like that!" Helen told me as she grabbed both my shoulders, and looked me in the eyes with a serious, and cold stare. "You almost gave me a heart attach. I know you’re going thru some troubling times, but you need to know that there are still people who care about you."

"I know. Like my mom who is going out of her mind, and... um... oh yeah, that’s right, my mom. No wait, I already said her." I shot back with a scowl on my face. "She’ll have less to worry about with me gone."

"You really are ignorant you know that." Helen started as she shook me. "You don’t fucking get it. You’re not the first person on the planet to change from a man to a woman."

"Yeah, but you know fuck all about what I’m going through." I said back as the tears of frustration started to flow.

"Neither did I." she said back. "I never asked to become a woman either, yet here I am. You see, you and I aren’t all that different. Granted you’re changing because of that accident in the lab, and I changed because of an accident on my dad’s farm. But can you imagine waking up in the hospital, knowing you went in as a boy, and find out you’re now a woman?"

I just looked at her in shock. "I don’t understand."

"I was born a boy too. But an accident on my dad’s farm caused my genitals to get ripped off my body. They couldn’t put them back on, so my parents made the choice to have the doctors turn me into a girl. It was either that or live life as a male without the part of my body that makes me one. I was only about 15 at the time, but with hormone therapy I was able to mature into a normal looking woman." she said with a tear in her eye. "So you aren’t the Lone Ranger on this one Rob."

"Ok, so I’m not the first person to go thru this." I said sobbing. "I’m still alone in my life. My mom is half way across the country my long time girlfriend dumped me for my best friend and all I catch is shit from people who just want to either see the freak or beat my ass because of all this." I said as I started to cry through my still swollen black eyes.

"I’ll be your friend." Stacy told me as she put her hand on my shoulder.

"I don’t want any pity." I said back to her.

"No, I mean it. I’ve always thought you were cute. Even back when you first moved into the building. I was kind of heart broken when I learned you had a girlfriend." she said with a tender smile.

"Well that’s all changed. She said she couldn’t handle a boyfriend who’s tits were as big as hers."

"Her loss. I saw how you used to treat everyone around you. I remember when you beat the shit out of a group of guys for picking on that one girl in the dining hall."

"Oh yeah, I remember that. They were giving her a hard time, taking her glasses and books." I started to giggle. "It really felt good to help her out." I said, then thought to myself. ‘Wait a minute? Did I just giggle? What the hell is that about?’

"You were her avenging angle. The way you stood up for her. Did you even know her before then?" Stacy asked me.

"Um, no, I had no idea who she was, other then a girl in trouble."

"She’s my kid sister. She was visiting from home, and you’re all she talks about now." Stacy told me with a smile. "You’re her hero... and mine." she said as she kisses my cheek.

"See, there are people who care about you. You just have to give them a chance to do it." Helen chimed in.

"But that still doesn’t make up for the fact that my girlfriend left me for my now former life long friend." I shot back again. "Hell, I’ll never have another girlfriend. I mean, who would want me now?"

I watched as Helen pointed at Stacy, who as I turned around to look at, had her hand in the air, and was pointing to herself.

"What? You mean you aren’t freaked out by this?" I asked in shock.

"No, like I said, I like the person inside, so what’s outside doesn’t matter." she said with a smile.

"But how could I possibly uh... well you know? Do those things a person normally does with a girlfriend." I asked with a blush.

"It’s simple silly. There are ways around any problem." she said with a wink.

"And then you’ll leave me when I don’t have Mr. Happy any more."

"Um, you remember that little presentation that I had put together a while back for the dorm?" she asked me.

"Yeah, it was introducing the new students to the Rainbow Union."

"Ok, and what is the Rainbow Union?" she asked trying to hold back a smile.

"Um the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, and Trans-Gender alliance on campus."

"Right, and why is it do you think I chose that topic for my night?"

"No clue." I said with a shrug.

"Because I’m Bi, and I’m a member you nut." she said with a smile.

"Okay, and..." I started to say, when it hit me what she was getting at. "OH! So you mean...."

"Bingo. I will make you this promise." she told me as she looked me in the eyes. "No matter what happens. I’ll be here for you. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on, and the arms to hug you." Stacy told me, just before she kissed me again on the cheek.

"And the same goes for me." Helen chimed in and hugged us both. "Now come on, let’s get your tire changed."

"Can’t, I don’t have a spare." I said with a shrug.

"Well, let’s see if the spare off my truck will at least get you to the parts store alright?" she offered

We had the tire changed in a couple minutes. Lucky for me Helen drives a Dodge truck. I let Stacy drive to the parts store where we got my tire fixed, then back to campus. I was told that I had to go to counseling because of what I tried to do. The school shrink was pissed that Doctor Smith hadn’t told her sooner about what I was going thru. She told me that most people who go thru what I’m going thru, usually spend years in therapy BEFORE they even start their transition. It’s used to get their mind right, and ready for the hardship they might face from friends and family that may reject them now that they are choosing to change the outer packaging, even though they are usually the same person on the inside. I found out that what I did was a normal reaction to what has been going on in my life. Granted it’s usually not the wisest choice to make, ending your own life, but it’s understandable how someone can crack under the strain of being raped, and harassed.

I’ve been going to her now for two months. I’ve even stayed on campus this summer to help with orientation of the new students. Stacy and I have been staying in the dorm and we’ve gotten REALLY close if you catch my drift. The last check with Doctor Smith was that I am now completely a double x, and my body shows it too. I’ll never forget the look on Stacy’s face when she first saw my cute new parts. Of course she’s shown me new ways since then to shock and awe her.

As for Matt and Kelly, well they both are out on bail after having been arrested. It seems that the guy who raped me wasn’t the guy who was doing the rapes on the other campuses. They found the guy from footage off security cameras that shoot the quad around campus. The guy sang like a bird about how Matt had paid him to rough me up when he learned from another friend that I’d be at the rugby party. Then the night they arrested Matt, they caught both he and Kelly throwing those cream filled condoms at my door again. Helen had a camera installed in the hall of my suite, and there they were right on camera. What I found out was that since I am going through what I’m going through, what they did is considered a hate crime in this state. So that means it’s a class A felony. I hate to see it happen to two people who I’ve shared so much with, but I can’t say they aren’t getting what they deserve for what they’ve put me through over the past semester. I wish them all no ill will, but I guess this is all a part of karma giving them a nice bitch slap on my behalf.

I’ve found out that even though my body may be different now. I can still live out my dreams. I mean, I have a great girlfriend, and my grades are still good. I’m now one step closer to my degree in Motorsports Engineering. And with Stacy right there by my side, how can I go wrong. I mean don’t get me wrong, she and I fight. What couple doesn’t, but the one thing we both know. Is that we both care deeply about one another. And really, in this world, if you can find just one person who believes in you, and cares about you, you’re a blessed person. I have 3, and you can’t have mine.

I’ve got to go for now. Mom’s coming down to take Stacy and I shopping. Wow, my first shopping trip with her as her daughter. Go figure right?

That’s all for now.

Roberta Hanczyk

One of the more unfortunate developments in our culture are pressure groups who lobby against the interests of other people. Merely because they dislike what other people think. Some call this tyranny, but I say it’s intolerance, as none are more hopelessly enslaved then those who falsely believe they are free. Things don’t change, we change. To be awake is to be alive. It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. Others may hate you, but they don’t win unless you hate them back, because then you destroy yourself. There is nothing more terrible then ignorance in action.

*Art is long and time is fleeting and our harts so stout and brave are stilled like muffled drums beating funeral marches to the grave. Life is but a walking shadow. A brief player who struts and frets his hour about the stage and then is heard no more. This is a tail told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Have you ever heard a sound but were afraid to listen? If you open your mind, your ears will follow. Have you ever been someplace unfamiliar, and just a little afraid to explore? Stick around, we’ll find a map.

You may be asking yourself by now "what the hell is she talking about?" Well I’ll tell you. Since I’ve been dating Stacy, I’ve found out that I’m now considered a lesbian. I’m still the same person with the same thoughts I’ve always had. The only thing that has changed is my outward appearance. It’s because of this that I get funny looks in the mall for doing something I’ve done since I first started dating girls. What is this? Just holding her hand. It’s shocking to me the number of people who looked at Stacy and I with funny looks that day mom came down and took us shopping. You’d have thought we were both naked or making out in the mall. Well perhaps that might have made things worse, for us at least.

We were asked to leave one of the larger anchor stores because Stacy kissed me when she helped me pick out my first dress. It’s not like we did anything obscene. It was just a peck on the cheek. That’s all. But to look at the sales lady, you’d have thought we fucked in the dressing room. Mom was pissed, but security asked us to leave, and escorted us from the store. We did end up finding some nice outfits, and new shoes for all three of us, but there was a slight problem during lunch.

A woman came over to the table, while we were eating mind you, and started berating Stacy and I for our little exchange in the store we were asked to leave. Mom had a hard time understanding her at first, due to her heavy southern accent. However she soon started to grasp the situation when the woman used the word "fag", while talking to my mother.

"What kind of woman are you to let your daughter become a fag?" the redneck asked. "It’s an abomination to god!" she shouted for the whole restaurant to hear.

Mom kept her cool, though I could see that little vain in her forehead start to throb. I’d seen it many times growing up. THAT my friends was the only warning there was, when mom was about to blow her top. She stood up and looked Ms. High and Mighty in the eyes.

"NOT that it’s any of your business, but what my daughter does with her life is her choice. Last time I checked we still live in the United States of America." mom told her as she started to get on a roll. "We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal, and endowed by the creator with certain inalienable rights. That among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." mom told the woman as all eyes were on her now. "Being friends with this young lady makes my daughter happy. Therefore, it makes ME happy. You coming over to this table and disrupting our meal is an invasion of our liberty. I am going to ask you to leave my sight before I call the police and have you arrested for harassment." mom told her as she sat back down and took a mouthful of her salad.

The woman stormed off and came back a few moments later with the manager, who asked US to leave. Mom started to clench her fist but I stopped her. I grabbed my bags and helped my mom and my girlfriend to their feet. They left and reaching in my wallet, I stuffed a $20 into the managers vest pocket. As I walked past him I whispered in his ear. "Keep the change." as I patted him on the cheek.

Mom was fuming as we went back out into the mall, but we still had a couple of things to pick up. I still needed a swimsuit for the trip to the beach that Helen, Stacy and I were taking before classes started back up. Mom needed to get a new shirt, since she dropped her fork onto it when we got asked to leave the restaurant. So we went into the sporting goods store and Stacy and I went to the swim wear while mom went to see if she could find a replacement for her Yankees jersey she was wearing.

I wish I could say that we didn’t have anymore trouble, but I’d be lying. Once we came out of the store, there was the same woman with her friends and a couple of men in suits, standing there waiting for us. Now being from New York you can guess that the first thing to go through mom’s mind was that she’d pissed off the mob. In a way she was right, but not in the way she thought. These people were more dangerous then the mafia. They were "Born Again’s." A radical sect of Christianity who have zero tolerance for people who are different then they are. Just when we thought we were going to be able to get out of the mall without any more hassle, a large man stepped in front of us and started quoting the bible. (God how I hate going to school in the "bible belt".)

"Thou shall not lay with man in the same way as woman." he told us.

"Uh, does that hold true for lesbians or what?" I asked him almost laughing.

"Don’t you blaspheme in here little girl." he shot back less then happy with me.

"Alright then, whatever happened to love thy neighbor. Or god made man in his own image?" I asked back. "If that is the case, then wouldn’t you be sinning right now for showing intolerance to us? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

That did it, the woman who confronted us in the restaurant earlier threw a punch at me, connecting, and a melee ensued. I lost sight of mom and Stacy for a few moments, since I was busy trying to fight off a handful of the mob myself. By the time security got there I had knocked one woman out and was being beaten by another while three others held me from being able to defend myself.

I looked around as security broke us up and saw that mom had been getting the same treatment that I was. Then I saw Stacy and my heart sank. There she was laying in a bloody pool on the marble floor, not moving or making a noise. I went to make a move to check on her and one of the guards threw me up against the wall. As I protested and struggled to break free to check on my friend, he cracked me in the head with his knight stick, and my world went black.

I woke up as the paramedics were placing me on the backboard. I struggled to look around but found myself tied down and unable to move. I started calling for Stacy but no one would tell me where she was. They put me in the ambulance and rushed me to the hospital, where I was checked out and told that I had a broken rib. That’s when I heard an alarm go off and watched as nurses and doctors scrambled to another room.

A few minutes later mom came in and closed my door. She had that look in her eyes that told me she was about to tell me something serious, but part of me already knew what she was going to say.

"She’s dead isn’t she?" I asked her as she sat down in the chair near my bed.

"They were able to get her here, but she’d lost a lot of blood from the fight. They just did everything they could to save her, they pushed a blood transfusion as fast as it would go, and shocked her a handful of times."she told me as she started to cry. "I’m sorry hun, they lost her."

I didn’t cry. I know I should have, but I was too mad to be sad. I felt a rage inside me like none I’d never felt before. That little voice in my head was having a battle of it’s own. Part of me was screaming sue them. The other part of me was telling me that wasn’t was Stacy would have wanted. In the end that was the part that won out.

I signed the papers to let me out of the hospital and made my way to the exit. When I got there I saw a sea of reporters waiting, and started to get a little nervous. I walked out and was mobbed with people asking me what happened and who had done this.

"You’ll have to excuse me. A very close friend of mine just died as a result of an attack because a few religious nuts thought it was wrong for two women to be close friends." I told them. "I don’t think I can say anymore since I haven’t yet spoken to the police about the incident. So if you’ll all excuse me I need to go there now."

Mom and I made our way to her car and then went to the police. As soon as I walked in they placed ME under arrest. They charged me with inciting a riot for what happened at the mall. I pled not guilty and knew I was going to get a day in court to tell the world what happened.

Mom hired her friend Tracy who was her lawyer back home. Tracy found security tapes from the mall and we thought it would be a slam dunk with me being found innocent, but the prosecutor had a card he was waiting to play. Tracy put me on the stand last and I simply told the jury what happened. When the DA put me under cross examination he pulled out a folder with and handed it to me. I looked at the identification tab on it and saw my name, which shocked me.

"Ms. Hanczyk can you tell us, have you ever seen a psychologist?" he asked me.

"Yes sir, I saw one last semester at school." I told him not thinking I had anything to hide.

"And can you tell us what you were seeing her for?" he asked back.

"I believe that is none of your business."

He turned to the judge, and asked, "Your honor, permission to treat as hostile?" To which the judge nodded, and he continued to me.

"Isn’t it true that you tried to kill yourself?"

"No, I never actually tried to kill myself. Yes I did think about it, but a couple of good friends showed me that it was not the answer to my problem at the time." I replied as calmly as I could.

"And by problem you mean having a sex change?" he asked back.

"Objection!" shouted Tracy

"Over ruled" the judge told her. "Answer the question miss." he told me.

"I didn’t have sexual reassignment surgery if that is what you are asking." I told the jury.

"Yet you did change from a man to a woman?" he asked pulling out a copy of my old student I.D. "May I present exhibit 20, a student identification card." he said handing it to me. Can you read off the name on this card?" he asked.

"Robert Hanczyk. This is my old card." I said.

"But you just said you didn’t have a sex change." he told the jury.

"Yes. I did change into a woman. I do not know why I did. But it happened." I answered. "I did NOT have a surgery to change me into a woman. Only God knows why it happened, so just ask him."

"Move to strike your honor?" the DA asked the judge.

"The jury will disregard the defendants last statement." he instructed the jury.

"Can you read what is says, marked in highlighter there." the DA asked me pointing to the file he handed me earlier.

"The subject shows emotional distress, having been raped and beaten." I said.

"And on the next page?" he asked

I read it to myself before I read it out loud. "The subjects mental state is that of server depression but..." he tried to cut me off. "But IS showing progress." I continued past where he had marked on the page.

"So you were depressed and tried to kill yourself. Is that why you attacked that woman in the mall?" he asked me.

"I’m sorry, what? Attacked what woman? Were you watching the same tape as the rest of the room? I had my hands in my pockets on that security tape. I was the one who was struck first." I shot back with a bit of confusion.

"You verbally assaulted her. We heard testimony that you called her names and belittled her religion." he told me.

"No, I never called her anything before she struck me." I told the jury.

"Move to strike this person’s whole testimony your honor. On the grounds of perjury." he told the judge.

"Miss Hanczyk you were sworn to tell the truth." the judge told me.

"It is the truth your honor." I told him. "May I have my cell phone?" I asked.

"What for?"

"I recorded the entire incident on the voice recorder." I told him

The judge allowed Tracy to give me my phone and I pulled up the files from the mall.

"Here is where the woman who hit me confronted my mother, my late friend and myself at the restaurant earlier." I said as I played the file into the microphone in front of me. The look on the jurors faces told me that I’d struck a nerve. "And here is when we walked out of the store and were confronted by the woman and her friends." I said as I played that file.

At the end of the file you could hear the woman call me a dyke, in her heavy southern drawl, and then the sound of her fist hitting my face like had been shown earlier in the trial on the security video. The judge looked at the DA who was just looking at me, not really sure what to do next. He just turned to the judge.

"Your honor, in light of this new evidence, the people drop all charges against the defendant."

The judge dismissed the case and I was free to go. Tracy made a copy of the files on my phone and then turned everything over to Stacy’s parents. They thanked us and I told them that I’d be there if they needed me for their case against the mob.

I do miss my friend, but I’m taking it day by day. Some days are easier then others, but I’m getting by. Helen has been there for me, and she and I have become close. Not like Stacy and I were, but it’s good to have someone to turn to when I need to talk. Helen’s a good listener.

I know some of you are asking, "Is she thinking about offing herself again?" NO! Not at all. I’ve dedicated my life to picking up where Stacy left off. I’m an Residents Assistant in my dorm, and devote all my free time to being there for my residents. I take a more proactive approach then the other RA’s do. I actually knock on every door on my floor once a day and check to see how they are doing. The students on my floor seem to appreciate the fact that I’m there and I care about them. I’ve given every resident my room phone number and my cell number. I tell them to just call me. I don’t care what time it is. I’m here for them to talk to at any time, day or night.

I have to go, my cell is going off, and it’s one of my residents.

Bobbi

*excerpts taken from William Shakespear