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Kelly's Journey
Chapter 16-Despair
By Stanman63
Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut and JennaFL for Proofing and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration!
Synopsis:As Kelly grows into her womanhood, all seems to be going well, but a tragic encounter with Johnny kills her spirit, leaving her in despair.


* * *

I became popular and was soon joining the Cheerleaders and attending the games. I dressed out, but since I did not know the routines, I never did any stunts until my senior year. Then I became Head Cheerleader because of my abilities, much to the chagrin of others who thought that they had earned the title, but even those girls had to admit that I was better qualified.

When they discovered my original gender, they were amazed that my breast forms and gaffe made me look like a girl, and when they saw what little bit of boyhood I had, they admitted that I couldn't do a thing with it, but pee. When I showed them Johnny's picture, they admitted that they'd have done what I'd done with him.

Being accepted as a girl was a balm upon my Heart. Up here, even though I was still known as Kelly from Ronzi's, I was also known as a new girl with a bit of a difference. Brian/Debbie was well known here, and was respected as store owner and teacher here.

When Granny and Grandpa had accepted Debbie, so did the community. Not even the barbed venom from that bastard preacher that grandpa used to listen to would make a difference. When he had Brian attacked, it woke up the church and quickly divided it.

Grandpa became the leader of those that stayed in the troubled Tri-County United Methodist Church and welcomed Pastor Patrick when he took over as Pastor. After that, they wanted to leave, but Pastor Patrick convinced them to stay and become community leaders, using their connections to help the church to recover from the split.

The bastard pastor led his people to form his church just beyond Constable Sebastian's jurisdiction in sheriff where Judge refused to expedite him which happened until recently when Mister Woods bought the church property that was put up to fund the pastor's ambitions. He expected for his congregation to buy it. But because he did not make sure about the buyer, he lost.

* * *

This is what Granny was thinking about me at the time:

['It is a wonder that Debbie found the strength to help my granddaughter, Kelly. But Debbie has shown the inner strength that I knew she had. When she was Brian, she and our adopted son, Stu were best friends only Stu and Terri knew about Brian's secret desire to become a girl. How sad that it took his being attacked to bring about the birth of Debbie, and taking Stu's intervention to get Joe to finally accept his new daughter.

Joe and I discovered Brian's desire accidentally when his reading those stories at Big Closet. It happened when Brian left his computer on when hr was called to dinner. He was always curious, so we thought that was simply his way of exploring things. Joe and I NEVER curtailed our children from being curious, but when I brought it up at dinner, all hell broke loose.

When I mentioned what I saw on Brian's computer, he got very defensive about it. So much so that Joe told him that he was being unfair, that he was not being judged. But Brian said that dressing as a ballerina for Halloween last year had shown him that he liked wearing dresses. Joe's remark about that not being too bad, because Brian could find a job where wearing dresses was a part of the job.

But Joe was thinking about the stage, being a cop, private investigator, but not what Brian revealed. Brian wanted to live AS woman with the option of becoming one later on. Oh, the vile hatred and venom that spewed from Joe was exactly the words put forth by Avery Linden in his church. But at least Joe did not start hitting on our distraught son. And it took loads of courage for Stu to stand up to Joe.

That broke Joe's rage, seeing his adopted son holding his other son as Brian wept silently. Poor Terri looked at Joe as I did, tears cascading from our eyes as mute testimony to our broken hearts. Then Stu's words of wisdom finally got through to Joe, and he accepted Brian's need to be Debbie. He agreed that Brian could be Debbie around the farm and could go to town to buy Debbie an assortment of skirts, dresses, lingerie, shoes, makeup. And perfume, but would use Brian's unisex clothes for farm work.

Joe STILL blames himself for the birth of Debbie. He went to talk to Hector Brown about buying his small farm. Old Hec had divvied up his land into one acre plots with a large house and barn for his sons and daughters, but they moved into the Tri-County area to be rid of Linden and his poison.

Unfortunately, while Joe was buying it so Hec could join his family, that bastard Linden Avery had his goons to attack and mutilate Brian. Poor Stu had to protect his sister Terri instead of helping Brian. Stu finally saw red and started his attack on them when Constable Sebastian arrived and rounded up those responsible. It was Sebastian that gave a focus for Stu's anger by getting him to become a police officer.

Now, I have his son turned daughter to help become a lady. I know that Anna and Julie have done a lot in teaching Kelly to be a girl, but I and Debbie must teach her the inner strength to resist sex with Johnny, or she will get hurt. If that ever happens, Joe will go on the warpath and take the Law into his own hands.

Me, I have to be here if that ever happens so that Joe will not hate himself for what he may do. He made a promise to be there for Brian, and he wasn't. Now, my Joe has made that same vow for Kelly. Will history repeat itself? Or will Kelly be spared?']

* * *

It was two weeks later, and I had yet to do anything about becoming a woman as I was promised by Aunt Debbie and my grandparents. My grandparents were once again out at the Church, helping with the Church Thrift Store. As was their custom, they loaded up Granny's canned goods and quilts as well as Grandpa's repaired appliances and woodwork. Whatever was not sold was brought back because there was no room for storage. The store was in the Church basement-Fellowship Hall.

Those two love to work with their hands and would go to the thrift stores and collect the discards and remake them. Granny has taken old clothes and turned them into quilts, bedspreads, comforters, and designer originals that she has sold to help raise money for charities that ask for help and for people needing help in paying a hospital bill. But most of her creations are given as gifts, or donated to the Tri-County Thrift Store.

Grandpa's tinkering with machines has given him an insight into how things work. He has rebuilt every kind of farm equipment, automobile, appliances and electronics enough that he has a barn set aside, full of stuff the he has either fixed, or is fixing with Granny's contributions in the loft.

They have a table set up to display their wares, and often spend all day Saturday there just visiting with their many friends. Those tat buy the merchandise are those who have read the ads about the store or heard it on the radio or TV. Over the years, the top quality of the merchandise and Grandpa's tinkerings had earned the store a very high reputation among the commuters and locals.

* * *

This is what Aunt Debbie was thinking about me:

['Kelly will now need to pass as a woman now that she is attending school as a girl. She'll need to get use to the weight staying on her chest as well as the gaffe that will tuck her boy bits safely away and let her look like a girl.

That is perhaps the best thing she will get from being out here with us. She really needs no more training in being a girl. What she needs is time to become a woman away from the temptation of Johnny. I know that the next time that she meets Johnny that she will give herself to him. This time, I hope things fare better.

The first time, Kelly wore a cheerleader uniform when she gave Johnny oral sex, and again not long afterwards. I do not know if it is more lust, or love that they share and it's mainly Kelly's libido in charge with Johnny being the lucky recipient of her attention.

But I can read the signs all too clearly, something is about to happen, but I can't tell exactly, what! Or am I letting my own past cloud my judgement? I can not be sure, but even though that bastard pastor is now locked up, how soon will he be free?

* * *

Aunt Debbie and I were eating breakfast outside in an enclosed gazebo that Grandpa had just built in the backyard. I was wearing a black skirted leotard and white hose in preparation for working out at the gym with Auntie later that day. She was wearing a pink unitard, I was thinking about the fact that she was a girl while I was still physically a boy.

I felt it was time to start, so I turned to Aunt Debbie, "It has been 2 weeks. When do I see a doctor about being turned into a girl?" ['I hope that she won't discourage me from having the surgery.']

Aunt Debbie sighed, "Are you sure and certain that you want to become a girl? Because once you have the operation, there is no going back for you. That's why I've held off on doing anything." ['I must make sure that my niece is ready to make the commitment.']

Then I began to weep, "[sniff, sniff] Ever since I was tin, [sniff, sniff] kerbell I knew.[sniff, sniff]" ['LORD, I am ready to be a girl.']

Then she patted my shoulder, "Then when we get back home from the gym, I shall make a few calls to some friends that can help you transition into a girl, but like me, you can never be a birth mother like Terri," she sighed. ['Like you no doubt, that is the one thing that I hate about not being born a woman.']

"I know that Auntie, but I still must become a woman physically, no matter what the cost is to me. And maybe, just maybe I CAN be a birth mother," I affirmed. ['LORD! Am I crazy for believing that it's even possible?']

* * *

Back at the Tri-County Jail, Constable Sebastian and his son, Augustus were meeting with the Honorable, Milton Ficas in the Judges Chambers.

" Milton , why have you called for us?" asked Gus as they sat down.

"Bad news, guys. Linden is a free man," he sighed. ['These two will simply hate what I have to say.']

They stood up and yelled in unison, "WHAT!!??"

"SIR! WE FINALLY HAVE THAT SCUMBAG AFTER YEARS OF HIS STAYING JUST OUT OF OUR REACH! WHAT HAPPENED!!??"

"Please sit down! I hate this as much as you two, but there's nothing that I can do," he pleaded as they loomed over him. ['I was right! Only their code of honor keeps them from attacking me.']

Constable Sebastian loomed over him as he placed his meaty hands on the desk, "WHY SHOULD I NOT QUIT AFTER THIS?!" ['If I do, I can get him, no matter what.']

"Because he made bail."

Augustus punched a wall, neatly punching through the paneling to the cinder block below, "DAMN IT DAD! WE DID IT BY THE BOOK AND HE STILL GOT OUT!!" ['This is Debbie's worst nightmare made real.']

Constable Sebastian nodded and looked at the judge, "WHO SET BAIL!!??"

Judge Milton activated a monitor, "According to the Court Order, Attorney Fred Phelps."

Constable Sebastian stood up, "How much was his betrayal?"

Judge Milton smiled, the exact amount of the property sale."['Now he and Gus will deal with his betrayal, and stay with the Force.']

"Then he will replace that bastard in my jail, and the proceeds will go to Pastor Patrick, he will know how best to use the property and funds for the Tri-County Church Council."

* * *

It was after our gym workout that something happened that I was not expecting. I had forgotten about Aunt Debbie's breast forms and a gaffe that let me look like a girl. The first time that I had a period was wild. I had just gotten up from taking a nap and was going to shower and change when I saw blood in my groin. "AUNT DEBBIE!!" ['I have to go to the hospital! The gaffe has hurt me somehow!']

She came running into my room and saw my groin and the horror etched on my face, "Fear not Kelly that is the gaffe simulating a period."[I wish that I knew more, but Grandma can help her with that.]

I smiled and slumped onto the toilet in relief, "I thought that I had sprung a leak!" I giggled. "So, this is what being a real girl is all about." [I wonder if I was a real girl if I'd get bloated since momma does.]

Auntie helped me up off the toilet, "Come Kelly, Grandma can help you better than I can. [Giggle] "Wait until you hear just what being a girl is all about when we have to take care of our bodies, then you'll know that being a girl is not all fun and games." [GOD!! I would love to go through a real cycle and give birth, but that's denied us.]

Then I heard a knock on the door. "Who is it?" [Damn!! I sound like some ditzy blond on some sitcom on T.V.']

"It's your Granny, may I come in?' [No telling what Debbie's done to Kelly; she can be such an imp at times.]

I unlocked the door and turned the knob, "Sure Granny, you're welcome anytime," I responded with a laugh. ['Wonder what she'll say about my bloody groin? first time for me to soil my panty this way.']

When she entered and saw us, she quickly closed the door behind her and locked it, "This is something that Joe shouldn't be privy too since it concerns us girls. When I saw your red groin, I knew that that rascal Debbie had gotten you that special gaffe." I saw Debbie blush;" Now I can teach you all about the secret of being a girl and caring for her body." [Too think that here I am doing this for my granddaughter, but she needs me now since she can't stay home because of John. At least she gets to see her Momma on the weekends.]

"What all do I need to learn? I've already learned how to be a host and hostess thanks to Mrs. Woods."

She smiled as she sat on the toilet while Aunt Debbie produced a sanitary pad and clean undies for me, "True, she did that, but you need to learn about the manners needed for high society. There are certain unwritten rules of etiquette that you need to know that are used by high society and business. Using them, you will gain confidence and poise which is different than hosting a party." ['She already knows the manners, now to add the poise and grace that Debbie's charm school provides.']

I grinned, thinking about the future, "You think that I might need it for later when Johnny starts his own business or starts helping his Daddy?"[Wouldn't that be nice? Could I really be a High Society Lady or Patron of the Arts?]

Granny sighed, "Well, to tell the truth, I never thought of that. Mr. Woods caters mainly to the public, but he has sent me his catering staff to me and he and his wife have been here too." [And he detests having to wear a tuxedo. He's a simple man, really prefers the simple life like we do.]

I showered and dressed in fresh clothing and went with them to Aunt Debbie's store where they led me to her office. Thanks to Granny and Aunt Debbie, I learned all about keeping myself clean and how to care for my now feminine looking body. I never knew that a woman had so much to do to stay clean and pure in her bits.

* * *

Back at Tri-County High School , Johnny was meeting with some fellow players after practice. He was not particularly close to them since they did not like either Johnny or Kelly, being members of the bastard pastor's Shining Light Church .

"Well, if it isn't that fag-boy lover, Johnny," sneered Ron Apricot; Defensive Back as he lay in the lounger. His bulk easily matched Johnny's and his mahogany skin and hairless head showed an air of assumed authority. ['This freak needs to learn his place. No fag lovers allowed on the team.']

"Careful there, Ron. You know how Coach hates such attitudes." ['He has been getting more hateful ever since Kelly left, why?']

"Well, Mister Goody Two Shoes is NOT here!" announced Dave Waters; Defensive Back. His Nordic body an equal to Johnny's well-conditioned physique. ['Only his dad's money keeps him on the team. If not for all of the equipment and uniforms that he buys for the team, Johnny would be canned.']

"And where is he then?"

"That wuss is being kept busy by our revered pastor. I am sure that you've heard of him. You have certainly caused him trouble," sneered Ron. ['Seeing that fag in drag was an abomination that made Ronzi his money. Now to destroy that fag in drag.']

"DAMN IT! THAT BASTARD SHOULD BE BEHIND BARS!!"

"Simple, he made bail," chuckled Martin West: Quarterback. His Navajo heritage evident in spite of his adoptive parent's surname. His parents were visiting a local Cherokee reservation when they died during a boating mishap. Their son had no identification, so was adopted by Martin and Tina West.

"So, what is the idea? Beat me up?' asked Johnny as he positioned himself for a fight.

"No, not at all, Johnny," sneered Conner McCray: Tight End. His Irish ancestry evident in his red hair. ['Once he does as we order, Kelly will be mush. only that fag's hold on Johnny keeps her alive.']

Johnny dropped his guard, "Then what?"

"Simple, wuss you break up with Kelly, preferably after some intimacy," chuckled Conner.

"And just why would I want to do that?"

"To protect the coach from getting fired and replaced with one of our."

"Just how long do I have?"

"Until she graduates from that charm school."

"OK." ['Dear Lord, Am I right to do it?"]

* * *

NOW I had a greater appreciation for all women and truly regretted those snide remarks to Julie when she had her off week. I vowed to ask her forgiveness when next I saw her. It was a week later that it happened. She'd come up with Momma for the weekend.

"Hiya Julie" Then I hugged her to me. I was wearing a green pastel swimdress and she was wearing a pink bikini. We were swimming in Grandpa's pond that was used to water the livestock.

Julie smiled as she saw me approach her as she sunbathed on the shore after our quick dip, "Hi Kelly, you look good." ['I can't see any of the boy in her. Not even any bulge in her groin where her boy bits are.']

I blushed, "Thanks Jules, but I need to ask you for your forgiveness." I was really fretting.

She looked puzzled, "What about?"

"Back when I was still a boy, I teased you about being a girl going through your menstrual cycle. Now I know what you go through."

Then she hugged me to her, All's forgiven my sister, now let's get ourselves a tan, girlfriend."

* * *

I found that learning how to walk with the breast forms glued on and gaffe was the hardest. I was not used to the weight upon my chest and I was missing my boy bits, but I was soon used to them.

"Aunt Debbie, I'm bone tired. May I rest for awhile?"

"Well, you have learned proper balance, grace and poise, so you can take a break this weekend. We won't continue till Monday evening."

"Thanks Auntie, but why in blazes did I have to walk around with that damned book on my head?" I must've shrunk an inch thanks to that!!" I giggled.

"One of the basics of charm school, I'm afraid. At least I didn't have you practice in heels like I did!!" she laughed back.

"You didn't!!" I tittered.

"Oh I did."

* * *

Going to charm school as well as high school was the most difficult thing that I had ever done. If it wasn't for the fact that I have a photographic memory, I'd have totally failed. But I had fun anyway. I had to learn all walking with poise and grace very much like a geisha. In fact, one of my teachers was a former geisha. The school had hired her to instill that quality of oriental grace and dignity into our training. Me, I thought that I'd be sent home as a failure in the first week.

But Kameko [the geisha] was patient with me until I got the hang of it. She told me that I'd not make it as a Court Geisha because I was a true wildflower that would die in such a stuffy atmosphere. She was right; I never have been much of one for pomp and circumstance.

When I was graduating, I was getting ready in my room when Grandpa knocked, "Who is it?"

"It's your Grandpa honey."

"Come on in then, I just have to slip on my shoes." I was wearing a pink blouse and floor length silk skirt slit to the waist in the sides.

When Grandpa saw me, he looked as if he was seeing an angel. ['Seeing that boy turned girl going to Charm School is something else. Kelly had to unlearn many of the things that she was taught as she learns the fine arts of being a Lady. But seeing the transformation from girl to woman that she is becoming will give Kelly the strength needed later on. And now that she is graduating, we have a special treat for her that I am sure that she will enjoy.'] "Kelly, you look just like your Momma did when she graduated from high school."

"Thanks Grandpa." Then I hugged him close as he stroked my long hair. Then Aunt Debbie came out of the bathroom connecting our room.

"Kelly, you have won top honors."[Now for your reward.]

"Thanks Auntie, "I giggled." I never thought that being a Lady was so tough."

"Well, now you know, [giggle]."After all this time, I think that you deserve a big night out, want to party?"['She doesn't know it, but Johnny is here ready to surprise her.']

"To tell the truth, I am tired." [Sigh]

Then I heard his voice behind me, "But we have reservations at the country club waiting Kelly. Are you denying me a chance to dance with my girl?"['Thanks Debbie for letting me know.']

"JOHNNY!!" I screamed as I jumped into his arms. Then we shared a kiss.

"I see that you remember me, you look great!" ['She feels so wonderful too. But can I do what they ask of me?']

"Thanks Johnny, you're as excited as I am, aren't you?" ['I can tell by the hardness in his pants.']

"Come on you two, I am hungry, "Mister Woods chuckled. ['Those two are still hot for each other. But they're adults. I wonder what my son has planned?']

I looked around, "Where's Momma? Did she have yet another dinner to host?" ['She still does it, even though I am gone.']

I heard her voice behind me, "Right here Kelly," then I was engulfed in her bear hug, "I wouldn't miss this for the world! It's hard me not being here, but I know that you're in good hands. How could I miss this special time for my daughter" ['Stu, she is so like me at her age.']

* * *

After the graduation ceremony, we got into the stretch limos and headed to the club, I was alone with Johnny, "Kelly, you look like a woman now, so beautiful. My Dream Girl, he sighed. [She is more beautiful than before. Does she still love me?]

"Thanks Johnny, Aunt Debbie got me breast forms & a gaffe so that I now look like a woman."[Will he go for it like I hope?]

"You mean that you are still a guy under all of that?"[Is Kelly pulling my leg again?]

"Yep, I am still me, I giggled. "Come on Johnny, I am here for you. As much of a woman as I can be." ['Maybe tonight, or soon, we will make love.']

"Just how good are they?"[Damn, I want her so bad.]

"As good as a real woman's. Go for it my lover." Then I undid my skirt and pulled down my panty and hose. He lay back as I mounted him. I felt him climax in my gaffe as we sated our passion. After he had climaxed, I used a napkin to clean up. Then we got dressed and went into the club.

"Kelly, are you coming back home to school? Everybody wants to know," smirked Julie. ['I know that they did it from the sheer bliss on their faces.']

"No Julie, everybody knows me at school, I can't go back to being a boy again. I am going to school up here with my Aunt. I hated having to tell you that my sister, but I still need to be here. But I'll be there for you when you need me." ['Lord, next time, not so graphic, please. I doubt that we could take that ordeal again.']

Johnny smiled at me, "So, you are giving up being a boy?" ['I can see no hint of boy about Kelly.']

"Yes Johnny, I was always a girl at heart. You helped me to find the girl that I am. For that I will always be grateful," he blushed, ['Maybe that's why I do it with him.']

Mister Woods hugged me, "Well, at our house, you were always happy as a girl. You're always welcome at our house." ['I have missed her.']

"Thanks Mrs. Woods. Nice to know I have a home with you."['This'll make three homes for me, yet I'd give them all up to feel complete.']

Johnny looked at me with pleading eyes, "I wish that you would come back home."['Can't she live with us or her Momma? If she was home, those goons would not force me to dump her because she has friends at Ronzi's.']

"Johnny, if I did, I would have to be a boy, I can't be a boy again," I wept. ['Can't he understand that I'm protecting him and his family as well as myself?']

He knelt before me, "Then will you be my girl? My Dream Girl?" ['Please say yes.']

"Yes I will. I will always be your girl." ['Forever and always.']

"Come, Kelly. We need to talk." ['Now to give her my news.']

"Coming Momma."

* * *

We went aside and spent the next hour sharing everything. I could tell that Momma was happy for me.

[Ever since, she has been here, the house has been empty. The only time that I've truly been happy has been on my weekend visits here to be with Kelly.] "Kelly, I have moved in with the Woods."

I held her by the shoulders, "Why, Momma?"

She smiled at me, "It's lonely without you there and with the Woods, I'm no longer lonely," she sighed.

I went over my times back home with Momma, "But what about our home and the playhouse?"

She kissed me, "Don't you worry none. Our home is being renovated completely and will be yours one day when you're ready as well as the playhouse."

"Ready? For what?'

"For being Johnny's wife. We know that you two love each other. This is our wedding gift to both of you."

"Thanks, Momma." then I hugged her as I wept tears of joy.

* * *

Momma was now the Building Manager for the Clinic where she worked and oversaw the other secretaries as well as catering the many dinners for the doctors.

After that night, the Woods and Momma left and Aunt Debbie and I went home with Grandma and Grandpa. I was soon enrolled and attending school there for my senior year. Aunt Debbie was able to get me started upon hormones and my body was soon developing as a woman. After two months, I no longer needed the breast forms. I was as large without them. I soon became a Cheerleader and was cheering our team at the games. When we played against Johnny's team, Julie and I always spent half time talking.

"How's Johnny doing?"

"He misses you."[If she knew what Johnny has gone through, because of her, she'd cry.]

"I miss him too. Where is he? I have something to tell him."

Then Johnny came over and hugged me close," Kelly, you look terrific!!"[I don't care what the others say; you are all the woman that I need.]

"Thanks Johnny," I said as I kissed him. "Damn, we still excite each other," I giggled.

"Want to go out after the game?"['She excites me still.']

"Sure."['Wait till I tell him the news.']

That night, after the game, we drove up to a secluded are near the lake and country club. It was serene and peaceful. There was a tiny log cabin there with smoke rising out of the chimney. "Kelly, do you like the place? It's your dad's old cabin."['It's now or never.']

"Yes Johnny, It is lovely."['Yes, Johnny. I know why we are here, and I am ready for you.']

"This is my place now. Daddy bought it last year from your mother, and it's my graduation present. I wanted for you to see it with me."['Am I doing the right thing considering what the others have said to me?']

"But why?"['I can tell that something is bothering him, what is it?']

"I still love you Kelly, even if we don't marry, you will still be my best friend."['There, I came as close as I could without hurting her.']

"Thanks Johnny, but there is something that you should know."['I can tell that he is worried about something, maybe I can help him out.']

"What's that?"['DAMN! She is beautiful!!']

"These are my breasts, they are real."

He looked at my chest with wonder, "They Are?"

"Want to take them for a test drive? I know you do as much as I do." [I don't know why, but I'm the one that initiates our love sessions.]

* * *

Then he gently took my hand and we went into the cabin where we sated our passion for each other until the next morning. Then he dropped a bombshell that totally blew me away.

"Kelly, I have a confession to make."['OH GOD!! I tried, but I can't take it anymore. I know that it will break her heart, but it's better this way.']

"What is it?"['Does he have some disease?']

"As much as I love you, I am torn up inside because I still see you as a boy."['DAMN IT ALL!! I still can't tell her the truth. I am such a coward!!!']

"Even, [sniff] after [sniff], last night?" [Sniff, sniff] ['Johnny you are breaking my heart!!!']

"Kelly, I never meant to hurt you, I love you. This is my problem not yours."['Mine and the others that don't understand.']

He held me has I wept bitter tears. I was in love with him and wanted to be with him, but he still saw me has a boy. WHY? WHY? WHY? "Then why bring me up here and why make love to me? Tell me that at least. I deserve an answer."

"I thought that doing this would change my mind."['But it did not. GOD, Can she ever forgive me?']

"Please take me home."

* * *

We did not speak on the way, not even listening to the radio or C.D. player. I felt betrayed and dirty from what happened. Johnny had used me to satisfy his urges and threw me aside! I wanted to die because I couldn't live with the pain and humiliation of being treated like a whore by my best friend.

As we approached the farm, I formalized my plan to die luckily, nobody was home. I would have plenty of time to end my sorry life. Johnny pulled up to the front door, and I got out and pulled my bag with me and slammed and locked the door.

Johnny got out, "Kelly, I still love you. I wish that things could be different," he sighed. ['What Hell have I wrought??']

I opened the front screen door, and shut it behind me, "Goodbye Johnny. Please don't return," I wept bitterly as I turned my back on him and life. ['Daddy! I am coming to join you in Heaven. My life is over.']

I went through the house saying goodbye to everything and collecting the narcotics from the bathroom. Both of my grandparents use to suffer from severe spinal pain until Aunt Debbie took them to see a chiropractor who worked hr magic and ended their pain. Now, Doctor Ruth Elizabeth White eats Sunday dinner here with her family and my grandparents enjoy every minute of having children under foot.

I finally got to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of Grandpa's home brew. On the 'Dukes of Hazzard', Uncle Jesse may make the finest moonshine in Georgia ; But Grandpa's is smooth and has the kick of a mule that unless it is cut, will send any but the hardiest into the Land Of Nod which is where I wanted to go to PERMANENTLY.

I dropped the pain pills into it, watching them begin to dissolve, and then I wrote my goodbye note because I wanted for everybody to know why I despaired of life.

* * *

To My Family and Friends:

If you are reading this, then I have succeeded in ending my life. I did so because I have no hope. I love you all, but my heart is broken and to live is a pain that I cannot endure. Johnny and I went to my daddy's log cabin that he and Mister Woods had bought from momma. Johnny had it renovated and I must admit that it is a darling cabin, but that is where my heart was broken.

Johnny and I made love in every conceivable fashion over that weekend. I thought that he was going to propose to me, but he dumped me! I know that he is hurting but I can not live after being used by Johnny to sate his lusts. I will NOT be his whore!

So I am ending my life and going to heaven where there is no pain.

Kelly Lee Moore

* * *

Then I downed my ticket to Heaven, rinsed out the glass and carried the note to the living room where I set the channel on Contemporary Christian and sat down. I was well on the way when I heard Aunt Debbie's car pull up. I felt that it was fitting for her to find me, I couldn't move, but I knew that I could speak one final time.

As she entered, she smiled as she saw me, "Hi'ya Kelly, what's new with you?"

"My heart is broken, I have no hope. Good bye Aunt Debbie."

Then she saw the moonshine, empty pill bottles and saw what I had done as well as the note,

"NO KELLY!! NOOOOOOO!!!"

Then I heard no more.

 

Kelly's Journey
Chapter 14-Through The Gate
By Stanman63
Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut and JennaFL for Proofing and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration!
Synopsis:After rescuing Julie and dealing with the trauma of the ordeal, Kelly make a momentous decision that will change the lives of everybody as she embarks upon the path of completion.


* * *

We were on our way back to the farm after our gym workout at the spa. I felt tired, yet full of energy as if I had to make a decision and a great weight had been lifted. I now knew that I had a decision to make about myself and only Aunt Debbie could help me. She had gone through a transition that I wanted, so she was my guide on my journey now. Aunt Debbie pulled into a gas station to refuel, and I went to the restroom to tinkle. I saw my girl's groin and how realistic it looked. I touched my new girlhood and it felt great! I actually came to an orgasm as I touched myself down there. I quickly cleaned up and the smell of my discharge was musky and fresh. I redressed and got myself a root beer [my favorite, especially with butter pecan ice cream] and a cream soda for Aunt Debbie.

I approached the counter to pay and saw a perfect Santa at the register, except that he wore a red plaid shirt under his overalls, "Well, who is this delicate flower who graces my establishment today?" he asked merrily with a twinkle in his eyes.

I blushed at the attention, "But Santa, [giggle] surely you know that it's me, [giggle] Kelly," I giggled. ['He must be called Santa a lot, especially near Christmas.']

Then he leaned his head back and laughed, "HO! HO! HO! I am not that merry old Elf. I am Christopher Snow, I own this store." ['I can see that she has a love of life like I do.']

"Well, at least you have a good Christmas name," I smirked. [' Wonder if he has a red truck or sleigh.']

"Yes I do Kelly, that'll be $2.50 for the drinks. Are you paying for the gas, too?" ['Her friend is a beauty too.']

I pointed to Aunt Debbie who was filling the car, "No Sir, my Aunt Debbie is." [Looks as if he liked her from the look on his face.']

"Why not you? Can't you drive?"

"Oh, I can, I have a black Thunderbird, but its home."

He smiled at me, "Guess this is a Girl's Day for you two then."

"Actually, we're returning from helping my best friend with a problem."

Then he noticed a pin on my shoulder, "Is that pin from the Rest Area Chapel?"

"Yes, I got it from Father Downing and Sister Mary last Christmas, why?"

"Well, I am a member of their church."

"That's nice. They've said that they mainly minister to truckers and transients."

"Yep, I used to drive a truck until my son, Paul Junior took over. Now I run Poppa's store since he died."

Aunt Debbie came in and approached the counter, "Sir, do you accept VISA?" she asked as she held out her card. ['I can see by the look on her face that Kelly did it in the restroom. It's time to talk to her about it.']

He accepted it and ran it through the slot, "Yes ma'am. That's $12.95, need anything else?" ['This beauty looks like my daughter except that she is a bit taller.']

"No sir, that's all." Then she turned around to leave. ['Why is he staring at me? Do I have something in my teeth?']

I picked up my purchase and followed Aunt Debbie, "See ya' Santa!" I called back as the door closed behind me. ['I can't help but to get in a parting shot at him. He and Grandpa both could be Santa.']

Before she got in the car, Aunt Debbie looked at me with a smirk, "Well, did you enjoy yourself in the restroom?" ['Poor girl, I know that I've caught her off guard just like Momma did it to me years ago.']

I stood there, totally aghast at what she had just asked, "WHAT? How did you know?" ['Is she psychic too?']

She opened the door and smiled, "It is no secret that a girl likes to check herself out and even masturbate, and it's OK to admit it. In fact, all young women have done it at times." ['She needs to know that it's natural to explore.']

I got in after she had unlocked my door, "Yes I did. I couldn't believe that I could pleasure myself that way, but instead of semen coming out; it was clear and had a musky sweet odor to it. Why?" ['Now that I think about it, kinda like Johnny in a way.']

She started the car, "When we get home, I'll let you read the literature about it." ['She'll me amazed at what she reads and those stories will help too.']

I put in a C.D. by ' Alabama ' and selected 'My Home Is in Alabama ', "OK." ['Somehow, this song feels right.']

She smiled and sang along with me, "Good choice Kelly, but why that song?" ['Does she feel homesick?']

I patted her on the arm, "Because I am going to my new home to learn all about myself and grow."

"And that you shall do, I promise you that."

* * *

During this time, Momma and the Woods were talking about the ordeal and how to help Julie. She was at a counseling session discussing her encounter and her feelings. Johnny was there with her since he has that link to her.

Mister Woods sipped his wine cooler and sat it down, "Well, the twins are in counseling about what just happened. But what should we do to help them? Will they be able to go back to school or do we get them a private tutor now? They never wanted that growing up, but that might change." ['LORD, how do I protect my children from harm? Will they go on or will they be scared to live?']

"Well, there is one good thing. Kelly is the same after the ordeal. And she suffered a nervous breakdown too," sighed Mrs. Woods. ['I will never forget her scream or the absolute dismay in her eyes.']

"Yes, my daughter sacrificed herself to help Julie, and made them pay for their crimes. But Julie and Johnny both are suffering now and I am at a loss on what to do." ['Being Stu's wife hasn't prepared me for this.']

"Constable Sebastian has promised to oversee the installation of security cameras throughout the schools that we are paying for," said Mister Woods as he passed around a folder. ['A bit late, but I will feel better now.']

Glancing at the folder, Mrs. Woods nodded approval, "Have the students privacy been seen about? The A.C.L.U. will have our heads if there are any cameras in the showers or dressing rooms. Those people get their claws into anything that they can and make life miserable for everybody." ['I hope that Chuck's friend Sebastian has taken them into account for our sake.']

"Don't worry Lynn . Sebastian has handled them before when pastor Linden had Debbie attacked. They wailed about his rights being violated by not allowed bail, but Sebastian's friend Judge Henry Block shut them up," Momma sighed as she remembered the Hell that she went through for Aunt Debbie. ['Running the gauntlet of the press and facing down those liberal phonies has helped me to help Kelly.']

Johnny and Julie came in and ran over and hugged their parents, then she sat in her daddy's lap like she was a baby and snuggled up to him, "We're home, Daddy! Do we have to go back?" ['I know that he wants us to go, but it's so yucky.']

Mrs. Woods passed a bottle of soda to both twins, "And just why do you want to stop going Julie, you've only been once." ['Have we been wrong to force them to go?']

"Because Julie and I don't need some group to talk to, we have each other, but Julie did find a boy she likes," informed Johnny as he opened both sodas. ['Julie, I hope that this guy is worth it.']

Mister Woods frowned, "I do not like hearing this. Why should you stop the counseling?'

Julie looked at him with her pleading eyes that he could never deny, "Daddy, Momma, I had a dream, just like Kelly does. And I no longer hurt because of the ordeal." ['Even now, I feel warm inside remembering the dream.']

Mrs. Woods gathered Johnny into her arms, "And what about you?" ['He looks like he is worrying about something. What is it?']

Johnny blushed, "When Julie was healed, so was I. I had a ring side seat to her dream."

Mister Woods cleared his throat, "Then why have you also been seeing Pastor Patrick and Joan?" ['Has Johnny lost his Faith?']

"Daddy, I needed to find a balance in my mind between what I felt from Julie during the ordeal and the fact that I'm a guy," he sighed. ['Can I ever truly love Kelly, now?']

Julie hugged him, "I hate that you were involved the way that you were. It must have been hell for you, Bro," she wept silently.

He wiped her tears away with tee back of his hand, "I'm not."

"Why? You were hurt because of me!"

"Because if not for the link, you would have suffered a lot more. We were able to rescue you less than an hour after the link kicked in." ['Lord, I know that you allowed it, but I do wish that there was another way.']

"OK. Bro. But don't you dare think that you know more about us girls, now. You don't!" she grinned.

"I won't, I promise, after all, there's also Kelly, and she is in a class all by herself."

"Why thank you Johnny. Stu and I did our best," sighed Momma. ['Even now, I feel guilty for not being there for her.']

Johnny blushed, "You are most welcome, Momma Moore."

"Who is this young man Julie?" asked Momma. ['Who could capture her heart after she lost Kelly?']

"Mark White."

Mister Woods stood up quickly, dumping Julie who lands on her feet, "OH NO! NOT ONE OF HIS LOONIES!"

Mrs. Woods placated him, "Chuck, do you trust Julie?"

"You know that I do, Anne. Why?"

"She made a choice that we don't like, will you listen to her before you pass judgment?"

He looked down at the tear stained face of his distraught daughter, and knew that he had broken her heart, "Julie, please forgive me. I love you, and I was speaking out of fear for you." he implored as he knelt before her, crying.

She hugged him and laid her head on his shoulder, "Oh, [sniff, sniff] Daddy! [Sob] I know that you love me, [sniff, sniff] but when you just now hollered, [sigh] I was afraid again, [sob] like I was during the ordeal," she wept.

Johnny stood by her, "Dad, I discovered recently that Julie and I are telepathically linked to each other. I can tell that this Mark was a true gentleman with my sister. If she had a choice on who was her first, it'd be Mark."

"Anne, Love. Please go and prepare us some dinner. I believe that our children are hungry."

She got up, "Should I prepare for Mark, too?"

"Yes, I believe that we just might want to meet Jools friend, he sighed. [For years, I have wondered if Julie would find a boy friend. Looks as if she has.']

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Princess?"

"May I invite ark over for Dinner?"

"Be my guest."

Mark came over for dinner and was a true gentleman, allying the fear that he was like linden. As they got to know Mark, they found a young man whose moral fiber was stronger than the teachings that he learned. Marcus Leonard White was orphaned while a preschooler. His parents chose Avery Linden as the godfather, not knowing about him being a defrocked preacher.
Using his access to ark's accounts, he was able to build his church and private school.

By the time that Mark graduated from high school, his accounts were empty. That is why all of the properties owned by that church are now Mark's and he turned out to have profited, too. Mark has a nice fully furnished house not far from the estate that he donated to the Tri-City United Methodist Church as a home for college students. Now he lives in a studio apartment over an old warehouse.

* * *

We drove in silence for awhile, listening to the music. The 'Alabama C.D. had finished and now we were listening to a C.D. of 'Time Life' love songs. I was thinking about how my life had changed ever since that Halloween party when I became Tinkerbell. Would I have found Kelly girl if I had been Peter, Pan instead of Johnny? Both characters wore tights as a part of the costume, but only Tink wore a panty.

As we were approaching the off ramp to the farm, I got the courage to talk to Aunt Debbie, "Aunt Debbie, can we talk?" ['I wonder if she has been waiting for this.']

She glanced towards me with confusion, then she nodded as if she knew what I wanted, "Yes Kelly. I guess that we do need to talk since; I know what you need to know about becoming a woman. Am I right?" [' I can see her confusion from here. I am glad that I can help her because I know what it's like not having the support of a mentor.']

I sheepishly blushed as I realized that she saw through me, "Yes Ma'am, you're right. I was wondering when you knew that you wanted to be a girl or at least dress as a girl. I wonder if there is a difference." ['Lord! I pray that Aunt Debbie will answer my questions, and if not her, then Granny.']

It took her a few minutes for her to reply as she gathered her thoughts together, "For me, there was no difference since I was attacked and had my bits crushed. After that, I transitioned from Brian into Debbie," she sighed. Even today, I have nightmares of the attack. I don't want for you to suffer as I do." ['Lord, will she suffer such a loss as I have?']

The C.D. ended and I shut off the player, "But what about when you first wanted to be a girl? Was it like me and Tinkerbell?" [' I wonder if like me, she has pictures of herself as a girl from when she was as young, as I was when I was Tinkerbell.']

She looked over at me and smiled, "I was about the same age as you were when you were Tinkerbell, but in my case, your mother Terri was taking ballet and I was helping her. She got me to wear a spare leotard and tights that she had. After I saw myself as a girl and the feel of the hose, I was hooked." [' Funny how we both have similar tales of girlhood.']

"And Grandpa was not liking it at first right? I remember what he said about not being there for you." [' Grandpa has sure changed since then if so. All that I know is that I love him, and he loves me.']

"Yes, he hated me at first for wanting to dress as a girl, but thanks to my brother Stu's acceptance of me as a girl, Grandpa saw that he was losing me and that made him question himself. When he saw me in one of Terri's dresses and hose, he finally saw his daughter, Debbie, and accepted me," she sighed as she remembered that day. ['LORD! If not for my big brother Stu, Grandpa would not have accepted me, Thanks for Stu.']

I turned to her and struggled to find my voice. Finally, after several minutes I found my voice, "You mean to tell me that you and Daddy are related?" [' What else about my family am I to learn about I wonder.']

"Yes, Stu and I were brothers and when our parents died, since Momma and Poppa were our Godparents, they adopted us.'I do miss them, but I was your age when they died from a faulty heater. It's hard to even think that I am really adopted. To me, I am their daughter, by birth, and I am sure that my brother Stu would say that he felt the same as I do." ['Glad that Kelly still has Terri.']

"What? Daddy would say that he feels like he was their daughter by birth? I don't think so Aunt Debbie," I grinned [' Thank you LORD! You have returned my quirky sense of humor to me. Poor Aunt Debbie has not been my victim till now.']

"YOU SCAMP!! You know good and well what I mean," she giggled as she wiped her eyes. [' Now I know what Terri meant.']

"Ah! But that is NOT what you said about my dear daddy Aunt Debbie," I smirked as she did a fish-face at my response. [' It's almost as much fun baiting her as it is Momma. It feels good to laugh again.']

She shook her head and smiled, "Touché' Kelly. [Giggle] Your daddy Stu felt that he was really their son by birth, not adopted. SATISFIED EINSTEIN?" She giggled. [If this is how she's gonna be around Momma and Poppa, they'll be laughing their heads off at her antics.']

I handed her a diet soda which I had opened for her that she took a swig of, and then recapped the bottle, "Yes Aunt Debbie. But tell me please; uh, did you have any boyfriends at all while you were growing up? Or did Grandpa say no to boyfriends?" ['Maybe if Momma had said no to me, I'd still be with her.']

"No, not really. I didn't have a Ronzi's like you did and no boys wanted me to help them with their dates. You see, I wasn't as outgoing as you are Kelly. I was a wallflower, afraid to open up to others. But now, after I met a few boys after graduating, I blossomed into a girl very much like you, minus the prancing, though," she smirked."

"Too bad Auntie, you missed out on a lot of fun times. I know that I had fun when I did," I sighed remembering the past. ['Maybe I can teach her to be more outgoing and lad back. She is beautiful and deserves to be happy.']

By that time, we were back at the farm and as we got out, a big shaggy sheepdog bounded up and knocked me over in his greeting, "OK, Shaggy. I love you too, but you're too big to jump on me, ya' big lummox," I laughed as he showered me with sloppy kisses. ['Lovable mongrel! Wonder where Grandpa got him from?']

"HEEL SHAGGY!!" called out Grandpa as he came up on his faithful old tractor. It was as ancient as he was, but like Grandpa, there was no rust, but there were a few scratches and dents from its years of service. It was on it that I had learned how to drive, just like Momma had.

Aunt Debbie stood over me with a big grin on her face, "Well, Daddy, I see that you're letting the chow hound greet your guests again," Aunt Debbie chortled. ['I'm glad the he went after Kelly instead of me today, but knowing him, I'm gonna be next.']

Then Shaggy bounded after Aunt Debbie who ran away from him and he gave chase as she merrily led him around the yard, giggling all the time as he 'woofed' behind her. This was their game they played whenever he saw her unless she sat down, and then he'd get in her lap for a tummy rub.

Then I heard the front porch screen door close behind Granny, "OK, Debbie. Are you through playing with your bed buddy?" asked a smirking Granny as she stood on the front porch. ['Those two would run and play all day if they could. If not for Shaggy, she wouldn't have met her boyfriend.']

Then Shaggy succeeded in catching her and she went down with a squeal of delight as Shaggy landed his sloppy kisses on her, "Yeah, Momma, Since Shag's here has finally caught me," she laughed with glee. ['No matter how bad I feel Shaggy's sloppy kisses wash away my gloom. Thank you Jesus for my friend.']

Grandpa hugged me after he helped me up, "Well, Kelly. Looks as if Shags has given you his sloppy welcome," he grinned. ['That mutt can sense when a person is bad or not. He's given Debbie many an early warning.']

"Yeah Grandpa, I never got my face so thoroughly washed by a dog before. I'm sure that the Woods would love him to bits."

"Then why pray tell DON'T they have any critters?"

"The only reason there are no cats or dogs is that Julie and Johnny are allergic to their fur, Grandpa."

Then he handed me an ever present hanky that he kept in his overalls and I wiped my face clean of dog slobber, "Well, come on in girl, dinner is ready and a waiting. I am sure that you have quite a story to tell us," he said with warmth. ['I am ready to hear Kelly's story unlike I was when Brian told me about being Debbie.']

He shook his head and grinned as I handed him back his now damp hanky which he then tossed to Granny who caught it and put it in her apron, "Have you talked to Momma or the Woods?" [' Silly me, Momma called Auntie.']

He led me over to Granny, "Yes, Terri called and told us what happened, but we want to hear about it from you. If you want to tell us, that is." [' I know from experience with Debbie that she'll need to talk to us about it for her peace of mind.']

"I am ready to talk about it Grandpa. I hope that y'all have plenty of Kleenex, because it is a tearjerker," I sighed. [' Can I sound any more like a Drama Queen? Or am I being a silly goose now?']

Then he bear hugged me as Granny, Aunt Debbie, and Shaggy came up, "We know, Kelly. And we are here for you." ['She's still so sweet and innocent even after her ordeal! Thank You LORD for helping my grandchild.']

Aunt Debbie attached a leash to Shaggy's collar that she'd gotten out of her car, "I'll take Shaggy out to the barn daddy." ['Why he was regulated to the barn is a shame, Kelly was never allergic before.']

He undid the leash and pocketed it, "Let him stay Debbie, the only reason we put him out there last time was that he was out at the duck pond. NOT because Kelly's allergic to him." ['Poor kids. They love animals, but can't stand their fur. Well, guess that it's up to me to fix it.']

* * *

Grandpa did find an organic relief for them and others. He found a combination of herbs that thoroughly cleansed the fur and worked with the fur to prevent dandruff by using the body's oils to kill it and fleas and tics. Unfortunately, it only worked for Julie and Johnny because of their unique heritage.

* * *

We were spoiled with a scrumptious dinner of pot roast with apple pie ala mode for desert. Aunt Debbie and I offered to help clean up, but we were forced to sit in the living room watching the movie 'Ice Angel' as they cleaned up the kitchen. Then they joined us in the living room and I told them about the ordeal and my wish to be a girl, not to just dress like one.

Granny led me over to Grandpa's lounge chair, "Here you go, Kelly. Sit here and tell us your story from the beginning." ['Even though we know, we want to here her thoughts so we can better help her.']

I couldn't believe it! I was to sit in Grandpa's chair? Only he sat here and smoked his pipe of herbs, "But this is Grandpa's chair, not mine Granny!" ['I don't want to disrespect Grandpa! Why is she doing this?']

Grandpa led me over and sat me in his seat, "Today, you sit here and tell us your tale my grandchild. I know that you're showing me respect, but I WANT you to sit here." ['Poor child thinks I'm an ogre about my chair.']

I hugged him in thanks and gratitude for his gift, "OK, thanks Grandpa for letting me sit in your lounger." Then I spent a few moments getting myself ready while they sat down around me in the sofas.

Aunt Debbie brought out tea for everybody but pointedly handed Grandpa his '#1 GRANDPA' glass that I had given him last Christmas, "But you don't get 'MY' glass Sport," he chuckled. ['She gave me this for my birthday and now it's my favorite glass.']

I smiled at their attempt at humor and started on my story, "It all started when I dressed as Tinkerbell for Halloween, I was gonna be Peter Pan, but Mrs. Woods picked up the wrong costume," I smiled and blushed as I remembered the events that led me into becoming Kelly girl for the first time. ['Daddy, I wonder if you ever did see me as your little girl while you were living.']

Granny sat down her glass and sighed, "So, if not for that, you'd not have discovered Kelly girl." ['I saw her picture from that Halloween party and all that I saw was Kelly girl.']

I saw that they were gonna go back to when Kelly girl was born, "Yeah, Granny. Wearing that dress and tights and sleeping in them that night started me on my journey as Kelly girl." ['If not for that, what other event would have triggered my entry into being Kelly girl?']

Grandpa fidgeted, "And the Woods accepted you as Kelly girl?" ['LORD! Will I ever find peace in my heart for what I did to Debbie years ago?']

I took a sip of my drink, "Uh huh. That was after Daddy died and I'd been having nightmares about it, but wearing Julie's tops and shorts at night stopped that Grandpa." ['Even then, with my long hair, I could pass as a girl.']

Aunt Debbie looked at me with tears in her eyes, "What about this doctor that hurt you?" ['I was brutally attacked, was Kelly's hurt any less traumatic for her?']

Granny wiped Aunt Debbie's tears away, "He actually thought that I wanted to be a girl, so he gave me pills and shots that made me start to go through girl's puberty. Because of him the only thing I am missing are breasts. My boy bits are there, but I can only pee. I can't father children. That's why I turned from Julie to Johnny Aunt Debbie."['Having a girl's body as a boy sure was something. I still have my child's voice and I never have shaved, unlike Aunt Debbie when she was Uncle Brian.']

Granny looked at Aunt Debbie, and then at me, "I am sure that when she found that out she threw a fit." [' I threw a royal hissy fit when I saw what happened to Brian; I lost my son, but gained a daughter.']

"She did Granny, and I don't blame her. But she is still my best friend. In fact, she helped me out a lot when I needed help with Johnny," I sighed as I once again felt Julie's anger and dismay when she pounded my chest back then. ['That is one Hell that I NEVER want to go through again! I hated hurting her, but I had to be truthful about myself.']

Aunt Debbie smiled, "You mean when she helped you at the dinner party?" ['That girl is so sweet. Kelly has a good friend in her.']

I blushed as I gathered my thoughts, "That and the night before because in both cases I had oral sex with Johnny Aunt Debbie." ['Even now, I can remember every moment of the passion. I hope that Aunt Debbie has such wonderful memories.']

"And you instigated both encounters?" [' I know it has to be her because that Johnny doesn't have that much gumption.']

"Yes Grandpa, I know now how foolish I was to do it. I thought that being Kelly boy and playing sports with him would be enough. Being Kelly girl ignited a fire in me that I hope to control." ['If not for that, I'd still be with you Johnny my love.']

"Kelly, after the kidnapping, you lost it when you saw your hands, Why?' [' Did she lose her innocence then, or have YOU renewed it LORD?']

"Because I thought that I had killed them, [sniff, sniff] I have been trained in karate up to black belt level, [sniff, sniff] and I can easily kill with one blow.[sniff, sniff] I was convinced that I had sinned against both GOD,[sniff, sniff] and my Teachings.[sniff, sniff] I felt that I should have died in their place Granny[sniff, sniff," I wept as I held up my hands, recalling the anguish that I felt back then.

Aunt Debbie came over and held me as I cried myself out while Granny and Grandpa hugged us both, "Yet you were better after a nap and Julie was too. Did you see Jesus?" ['LORD! I am thankful for your accepting me as a girl.']

"Yes I did Auntie, [sniff, sniff] He took away my distress, [sniff, sniff] and healed me when I gave up my hatred [sniff, sniff] and forgave them," I finished crying as my bitter tears of grief became tears of JOY. ['Has Aunt Debbie ever felt such LOVE from YOU LORD? If not, I hope that she does.']

Granny cupped my chin gently as she lifted my face up to meet her gaze, "Now that you are here, is there anything that you want to do while you're here with us?" ['Thank you LORD for renewing her innocence.']

I looked up at her, "Yes Granny, I want to become a real woman like Aunt Debbie if I can." ['Well as real as I can be. Wish that I was a girl like Julie.']

Grandpa gently hugged me and led me back to his lounge chair, "If that is your wish, then we will help you to become a woman. I don't understand why, you feel this way. All that I know is that I see a sweet, gentle young woman before me. I almost lost Brian years ago because I neglected him, I will NOT make that mistake with you Kelly." ['LORD! You have given me a chance to redeem myself through Kelly, I will not fail you.']

Granny came over and placed a rose pendant in my hand, "Kelly, let this rose symbolize your journey. For as in the song, you shall bloom from your winter in a spring of new hope. My child, you have a much harder road than my daughter did, but like Debbie, you too will bloom." [' LORD! Help me to nurture Kelly as she grows into a young woman.']

I looked at the pendant, remembering that drive up here with Aunt Debbie, "Granny, did you know that Aunt Debbie played that Bette Middler song when she drove me up here? To tell the truth everybody, I kinda feel like a rose," I sighed as I admitted to everybody how I felt. ['Why does that particular song call out to me? Are you trying to tell me something through it GOD?']

Then Grandpa placed a red rose in my other hand, "Kelly, [sniff, sniff] when my son Brian told me that he felt that he was really a girl inside,[sniff, sniff] I lost it and called him vile names. [Sniff, sniff] It was only after I saw him dressed as Debbie, [sniff, sniff] I knew that I was wrong and accepted my daughter. [Sniff, sniff] My only regret is that I was not there when she needed me when she was attacked. [Sniff, sniff] Now that you are a rose that must go through a winter to bloom in the spring, [sniff, sniff] I vow to be there for you and see you through," he openly wept as he told me his shame. ['I know that Debbie, Lizzie, and Terri have forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself.']

I placed both roses on a saucer, and then I hugged them as I cried tears of joy. I felt safe and secure with them, I knew that I could trust them to be there when I needed them. I thanked GOD for their love. I looked at them, "Thanks. I can never thank you enough for letting me be here." ['No wonder Momma loves roses! She has roses of every color on her skirts, blouses, and undies.']

We hugged and I went to bed because I felt tired. I looked at my two gifts and remembered Bette Middler's song 'The Rose' and how it applied to me. Could I actually be like the rose? Will I bloom in my new spring? Will I marry Johnny?

* * *

At this time, Granny was praying about me: "My grandchild Kelly has chosen her path now. She has been through many heartaches and is still the sweet, gentle innocent soul that she was before. Terri has given us a gift of surpassing beauty in Kelly. Now it is up to us to teach her and help her to grow into the woman she is inside.

"But I sense darkness within her that she has yet to face concerning herself and Johnny. We must be ready for when she faces it because like Debbie, she will despair and lose hope. If she dies, it will break my beloved's heart. Please LORD, protect Kelly from her darkness. And give her the strength to overcome it. In YOUR NAME, AMEN."

* * *

This is what Grandpa was praying in his heart: "My LORD, YOU have given me a second chance in Kelly. After the fiasco of my turning Brian away, her brother Stu showed me my error and when I saw Debbie, I saw my beautiful daughter and accepted her. Then when she was attacked at Halloween, I was not there because the bastards had used their dad to lead me away.

"I know that they're still in prison, but I lost the friendship of their fathers who moved away to get away from the memories. Now with Kelly I will NOT make the same mistake! But I need YOUR help to know what to do. Please give me the Wisdom That I need to help Kelly as she learns and grows into the beautiful woman she is inside. And the ability to see those who would hurt her. In YOUR mighty NAME, AMEN."

* * *

Aunt Debbie was praying this: "LORD, Am I the right one for Kelly to learn from? Is there another better suited to be her mentor? I feel so inadequate for the task, yet here I am, mentoring my niece in how to be a woman. Momma and Terri helped me, but I guess that Terri is out because of Johnny and I DO have momma and poppa to help me.

"LORD, all that I ask is for YOU to help me to help Kelly because I know that there are bumps along the way on her journey to completion. Be there for her as YOU were for me. In YOUR mighty and HOLY NAME, AMEN!"

* * *

Then I prayed before I went to sleep," LORD, am I like love, like a river that drowns the tender reed, or am I the reed? Am I like love, a razor that leaves the soul to bleed, or am I the bleeding soul? Am I like Love, a hunger, an endless, aching need? Because right now, I feel empty inside."

"Or am I like love, a flower only a seed? Am I a promise, a possibility? My heart is afraid of breaking, LORD; will I ever learn to dance? If so, who will I dance with? Am I a dream that's afraid of waking, will I ever take the chance to fly? Or am I one who won't be taken, who can not seem to give? Will I ever be able to share my heart? Will my soul stay afraid of dying and never learn to live?"

"LORD, the night has been too lonely. The road has been too long. No LORD, I do not think that love is only for the lucky and the strong. For in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow is the seed that with the sun's love, that in the spring becomes the ROSE! May I be that Rose LORD? Will I be like Aunt Debbie and bloom in my new spring? LORD, I hope so! AMEN!"

Then I went to bed and slept peacefully for my nightmares were finally gone. My Hope had been renewed and I could see clearly now my path. I knew that my family and friends were with me and GOD Loved me for whom I was.

That night, I dreamed about daddy still being alive and giving me away at my wedding to Johnny. Julie was my Maid of Honor; Constable Sebastian Johnny's Best Man. Aunt Debbie was my Flower Girl. Now I know that little girls are supposed to be Flower Girls, but since she was never a little girl, this was our way of letting her be a girl child for a day.

 

Kelly's Journey
Chapter 14: Despair

By Stanman63

Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut
and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration!

Synopsis:
As Kelly grows into her womanhood, all seems to be going well, but a tragic encounter with Johnny kills her spirit, leaving her in despair.

 

  Three_Friends.jpg

 




I found that learning how to walk with the breast forms glued on and gaffe was the hardest. I was not used to the weight upon my chest and I was missing my boy bits, but I was soon used to them.

 

"Aunt Debbie, I'm bone tired. May I rest for awhile?"

"Well, you have learned proper balance, grace and poise, so you can take a break this weekend. We won't continue till Monday evening."

"Thanks Auntie, but why in blazes did I have to walk around with that damned book on my head?" I must've shrunk an inch thanks to that!!" I giggled.

"One of the basics of charm school, I'm afraid. At least I didn't have you practice in heels like I did!!" she laughed back.

"You didn't!!" I tittered.

"Oh I did."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Going to charm school as well as high school was the most difficult thing that I had ever done. If it wasn't for the fact that I have a photographic memory, I'd have totally failed. But I had fun anyway. I had to learn all walking with poise and grace very much like a geisha. In fact, one of my teachers was a former geisha. The school had hired her to instill that quality of oriental grace and dignity into our training. Me, I thought that I'd be sent home as a failure in the first week.

But Komeko [the geisha] was patient with me until I got the hang of it. She told me that I'd not make it as a Court Geisha because I was a true wildflower that would die in such a stuffy atmosphere. She was right, I never have been much of one for pomp and circumstance.

When I was graduating, I was getting ready in my room when Grandpa knocked, "Who is it?"

"It's your Grandpa honey."

"Come on in then, I just have to slip on my shoes." I was wearing a pink blouse and floor length silk skirt slit to the waist in the sides.

When Grandpa saw me, he looked as if he was seeing an angel. [ 'Seeing that boy turned girl going to Charm School is something else. Kelly had to unlearn many of the things that she was taught as she learns the fine arts of being a Lady. But seeing the transformation from girl to woman that she is becoming will give Kelly the strength needed later on. And now that she is graduating, we have a special treat for her that I am sure that she will enjoy.'] "Kelly, you look just like your Momma did when she graduated from high school."

"Thanks Grandpa." Then I hugged him close as he stroked my long hair. Then Aunt Debbie came out of the bathroom connecting our room.

"Kelly, you have won top honors."['Now for your reward.']

"Thanks Auntie, "I giggled. I never thought that being a Lady was so tough."

"Well, now you know, [giggle]."After all this time, I think that you deserve a big night out, want to party?"['She doesn't know it, but Johnny is here ready to surprise her.']

"To tell the truth, I am tired." [sigh]

Then I heard his voice behind me, "But we have reservations at the country club waiting Kelly. Are you denying me a chance to dance with my girl?"['Thanks Debbie for letting me know.']

"JOHNNY!!" I screamed as I jumped into his arms. Then we shared a kiss.

"I see that you remember me, you look great!" ['She feels so wonderful too.']

"Thanks Johnny." I could feel that he was as excited as I was.

"Come on you two, I am hungry, "Mister Woods chuckled.

"Where's my Momma?"

"Right here Kelly," then I was engulfed in her bear hug, "I wouldn't miss this for the world!" ['It's hard me not being here, but I know that you're in good hands.']

After the graduation ceremony, we got into the stretch limos and headed to the club, I was alone with Johnny, "Kelly, you look like a woman now, so beautiful. My Dream Girl, he sighed. ['She is more beautiful than before. Does she still love me?']

"Thanks Johnny, Aunt Debbie got me breast forms & a gaffe so that I now look like a woman."['Will he go for it like I hope?']

"You mean that you are still a guy under all of that?"['Is Kelly pulling my leg again?']

"Yep, I am still me," I giggled. "Come on Johnny, I am here for you. As much of a woman as I can be."

"Just how good are they?"['Damn, I want her so bad.']

"As good as a real woman's. Go for it my lover." Then I undid my skirt and pulled down my panty and hose. He lay back as I mounted him. I felt him climax in my gaffe as we sated our passion. After he had climaxed, I used a napkin to clean up. Then we got dressed and went into the club.

"Kelly, are you coming back home to school? Everybody wants to know."

"No Julie, everybody knows me at school andI can't go back to being a boy again. I am going to school up here with my Aunt. I hated having to tell you that my sister, but I still need to be here."

"So, you are giving up being a boy?"['I can see no hint of boy about Kelly.']

"Yes Johnny, I was always a girl at heart. You helped me to find the girl that I am. For that I will always be grateful." ['Maybe that's why I do it with him.']

"Well, at our house, you were always happy as a girl. You're always welcome at our house." ['I have missed her.']

"Thanks Mrs. Woods. Nice to know I have a home with you."['This'll make three homes for me, yet I'd give them all up to feel complete.']

"I wish that you would come back home."['Can't she live with us or her Momma?']

"Johnny, if I did, I would have to be a boy, I can't be a boy again," I wept.['Can't he understand that I'm protecting him and his family as well as myself?']

"Then will you be my girl? My Dream Girl?" ['Please say yes.']

"Yes I will. I will always be your girl." ['Forever and always.']

"Come Kelly, we need to talk." ['Now to give her my news.']

"Coming Momma."

We went aside and spent the next hour sharing everything. I could tell that Momma was happy for me.

['Ever since, she has been here, the house has been empty. The only time that I've truly been happy has been on my weekend visits here to be with Kelly.'] "Kelly, I have moved in with the Woods."

"Why Momma?"

"It's lonely without you there and with the Woods, I'm no longer lonely."

"But what about our home and the playhouse?"

"Our home is being renovated completely and will be yours one day when you're ready as well as the playhouse."

"Ready? For what?"

"For being Johnny's wife. We know that you two love each other. This is our wedding gift to both of you."

"Thanks Momma." then I hugged her as I wept tears of joy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Momma was now the Building Manager for the Clinic where she worked and oversaw the other secretaries as well as catering the many dinners for the doctors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that night, the Woods and Momma left and Aunt Debbie and I went home with Grandma and Grandpa. I was soon enrolled and attending school there for my senior year. Aunt Debbie was able to get me started upon hormones and my body was soon developing as a woman. After two months, I no longer needed the breast forms. I was as large without them. I soon became a Cheerleader and was cheering our team at the games. When we played against Johnny's team, Julie and I always spent half time talking.

"How's Johnny doing?"

"He misses you."['If she knew what Johnny has gone through, because of her, she'd cry.']

"I miss him too. Where is he? I have something to tell him."

Then Johnny came over and hugged me close, "Kelly, you look terrific!!"['I don't care what the others say. You are all the woman that I need.']

"Thanks Johnny," I said as I kissed him. "Damn, we still excite each other," I giggled.

"Want to go out after the game?"['She excites me still.']

"Sure."['Wait till I tell him the news.']

That night, after the game, we drove up to a secluded are near the lake and country club. It was serene and peaceful. There was a tiny log cabin there with smoke rising out of the chimney. "Kelly, do you like the place? It's your dad's old cabin."['It's now or never.']

"Yes Johnny, It is lovely."['Yes Johnny, I know why we are here, and I am ready for you.']

"This is my place now. Daddy bought it last year from your mother, and it's my graduation present. I wanted you to see it with me."['Am I doing the right thing considering what the others have said to me?']

"But why?"['I can tell that something is bothering him, what is it?']

"I still love you Kelly, even if we don't marry, you will still be my best friend."['There, I came as close as I could without hurting her.']

"Thanks Johnny, but there is something that you should know."['I can tell that he is worried about something, maybe I can help him out.']

"What's that?"['DAMN! She is beautiful!!']

"These are my breasts, they are real." He looked at my chest with wonder. "Want to take them for a test drive? I know you do as much as I do." ['I don't know why, but I'm the one that initiates our love sessions.']

Then he gently took my hand and we went into the cabin where we sated our passion for each other until the next morning. Then he dropped a bombshell that totally blew me away.

"Kelly, I have a confession to make."['OH GOD!! I tried, but I can't take it anymore. I know that it will break her heart, but it's better this way.']

"What is it?"['Does he have some disease?']

"As much as I love you, I am torn up inside because I still see you as a boy."[' DAMN IT ALL!! I still can't tell her the truth. I am such a coward!!!']

"Even, [sniff] after [sniff] ,last night?" [sniff, sniff] ['Johnny you are breaking my heart!!!']

"Kelly, I never meant to hurt you, I love you. This is My problem not yours."['Mine and the others that don't understand.']

He held me has I wept bitter tears. I was in love with him and wanted to be with him, but he still saw me has a boy. WHY? WHY? WHY? "Then why bring me up here and why make love to me? Tell me that at least. I deserve an answer."

"I thought that doing this would change my mind."['But it did not. GOD, Can she ever forgive me?']

"Please take me home."

~~~~~~~~~~
We did not speak on the way ,not even listening to the radio or C.D. player. I felt betrayed and dirty from what happened. Johnny had used me to satisfy his urges and threw me aside! I wanted to die because I couldn't live with the pain and humiliation of being treated like a whore by my best friend.

As we approached the farm, I formalized my plan to die. Luckily, nobody was home. I would have plenty of time to end my sorry life. Johnny pulled up to the front door, and I got out and pulled my bag with me and slammed and locked the door.

Johnny got out, "Kelly, I still love you. I wish that things could be different," he sighed. ['What Hell have I wrought??']

I opened the front screen door, and shut it behind me, "Goodbye Johnny. Please don't return," I wept bitterly as I turned my back on him and life. ['Daddy! I am coming to join you in Heaven. My life is over.']

I went through the house saying goodbye to everything and collecting the narcotics from the bathroom. Both of my grandparents used to suffer from severe spinal pain until Aunt Debbie took them to see a chiropractor who worked her magic and ended their pain. Now Doctor Ruth Elizabeth White eats Sunday dinner here with her family and my grandparents enjoy every minute of having children under foot.

I finally got to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of Grandpa's homebrew. On the 'Dukes Of Hazard', Uncle Jesse may make the finest moonshine in Georgia, But Grandpa's is smooth and has the kick of a mule that unless it is cut, will send any but the most hardy into the Land Of Nod which is where I wanted to go to PERMANENTLY.

I dropped the pain pills into it, watching them begin to dissolve, then I wrote my goodbye note because I wanted for everybody to know why I despaired of life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To My Family And Friends:
If you are reading this, then I have succeeded in ending my life. I did so because I have no hope. I love you all, but my heart is broken and to live is a pain that I cannot endure. Johnny and I went to my daddy's log cabin that he and Mister Woods had bought from momma. Johnny had it renovated and I must admit that it is a darling cabin, but that is where my heart was broken.
Johnny and I made love in every conceivable fashion over that weekend. I thought that he was going to propose to me, but he dumped me! I know that he is hurting But I can not live after being used by Johnny to sate his lusts. I will NOT be his whore!
So I am ending my life and going to heaven where there is no pain.
Kelly Lee Moore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then I downed my ticket to Heaven, rinsed out the glass and carried the note to the living room where I set the channel on Contemporary Christian and sat down. I was well on the way when I heard Aunt Debbie's car pull up. I felt that it was fitting for her to find me, I couldn't move, but I knew that I could speak one final time.

As she entered, she smiled as she saw me, "Hi 'ya Kelly, what's new with you?"

"My heart is broken, I have no hope. Good bye Aunt Debbie."

Then she saw the moonshine, empty pill bottles and saw what I had done as well as the note,

"NO KELLY!! NOOOOOOO!!!"

Then I heard no more.

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