[Report This]Date: 19 Jul 2009 - 03:40 am Title: Chapter 5
You seem to be lacking scene narratives. describe the surroundings more. I want not only to be able to see it but hear it, taste it, smell it, and feel it as well. As my writing instructor always told me. "don't just tell me the story, but put me in it. Make me feel like I am there and a part of the story." Aside from a few typos your dialogs and internal dialogues are great. Also try to use more white space to separate you scenes and to add emphasis. Your story as of right now, feels a bit like an info dump. but that is expected until the final draft.
You have a great plot line as well as a strong storyline and I would love to read more when it is available but this piece lacks a strong epiphany and revelation. I have been taught that the difference between a good story and a sucessful one are in the following:
your opening paragraph -- this part is crucial. It will decide if your readers will continue or put your story down.
balancing scene narritives, dialogue, and internal dialogue
having a plot that shows a climactic epiphany and revelation
feel free to contact me for advice and proposed edits at [email protected]
I too am an aspiring writer and have written many first and second drafts as well as a nonfiction literary essay I am ready to have published called Summer Break. I went through about 15 edits on it before it was finished and I am now working on a fantasy novel about an assasin turned savior. I took a creative writing course and have participated in many writing workshops where we learned to constructively critisize others works. This critisism help me to learn how to spot my owm mistakes in my writing and I think I can help you if you would like it.